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RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 8:09:15 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
You're welcome MzMia.  It's nice to hear such patronizing words when we subs post in "your forum" to share our thoughts and experience.  I hope you too have a nice day!
 
 - pixel

I agree Majik, I was commenting on pixels kind words.
We can surely all post all over the boards, we really should not even have
separate sections here.
 

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Majik)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 8:13:44 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
By the way, it is all "our forums", even though the title
of this one is, Ask A Mistress.


Sometimes I have trouble telling whether you think it's "your forum" or the "Ask a Mistress" forum.  I guess I now know the difference and can rest assured that it's "our forum".  Thanks for setting the record straight!
 
 - pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 8:20:56 PM   
Invictus754


Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
I did not bother to tell him, I WAS interested in him because I wanted to see what he would say.

And maybe if he had known this, the conversation would have been completely different.  Relationships consist of chemistry, and if one side is warm and the other cold, it doesn't work, eh?
 
quote:

yada yada yada
At the end of his last rant, he blocked me.

Gee.  Didn't see that coming, I bet.  And it pissed you off so you have to make a thread about it to show everyone how benign you are.

quote:

He will never know that I was really interested in at least getting to know him.  How many relationships and friendships never progress because of "simple" misunderstandings, oversensitivity and different styles of communicating?

It sounds like you were just jerking him around for your own amusement, or you would have told him you were interested.  Hope you had fun.

_____________________________

You never know your limits, until you push them
If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 8:25:36 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
Thank you for sharing invictus, yes I create any threads that I want to create.


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Invictus754)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 8:47:35 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
Just having fun watching the train wheels falling off the track and lapping up the dirt. 

Give it a few seconds and they'll come to rest. 

I love this place.   

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 8:52:54 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
LOL me too, we are a loving and supportive bunch.


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to joyinslavery)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 9:20:37 PM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline
I've had communication problems before with potential submissives -- sometimes I tend to overread emails and parse each word. The phone is the absolute worst, as my phone conversations are usually limited to "yes", "no" and "see you there" types of answers (I hate the phone.) It's a lot easier communicating in person for me, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt if that isn't possible. I don't always succeed, but I try.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 9:25:41 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
Nothing like a thread to prove that misunderstandings can be way complex and far from simple.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/22/2007 9:27:41 PM >

(in reply to joyinslavery)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 9:38:02 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Nothing like a thread to prove that misunderstandings can be way complex and far from simple.



Few things involving people are simple.

Although spending any amount of time here would (perhaps) lead to other conclusions. 

Human, gender, individual, orientation.  Simple enough (I suppose).



Edited because I was (just for a moment) lactose intolerant.   

< Message edited by joyinslavery -- 5/22/2007 9:58:41 PM >


_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 10:29:22 PM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
MzMia, any intelligent, genuine sub man is going to see you as a Woman who possesses tact, class and intelligence.  If he fails to see this, he's not too bright.  Anyone with a brain and some common sense can tell you're a decent Woman who gives respect to others and has a pleasant demenour.   G*nite sweets.

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e


(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/22/2007 10:39:13 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDolly

MzMia, any intelligent, genuine sub man is going to see you as a Woman who possesses tact, class and intelligence.  If he fails to see this, he's not too bright.  Anyone with a brain and some common sense can tell you're a decent Woman who gives respect to others and has a pleasant demenour.   G*nite sweets.



Initially, I thought I would click on your link to your myspace page. 

Then I realized how stupid that would be. 

Thank God. 

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to MistressDolly)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 12:09:36 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline
MzMia said,
 
We were exchanging emails and he sent a long one about how he wanted to serve me, what he had to offer, etc.

I told him in a nice way, that I was not interested in a casual relationship. 

I did not bother to tell him, I WAS interested in him because I wanted to see what he would say.

He will never know that I was really interested in at least getting to know him.



Dearest MzMia,

Did the content of this boy's emails, including the long one wherein he expressed
his desire to serve You, fall solely within the bounds of a casual relationship?
Not being privy to the exchange of conversation between the two of you,
i am left only with what You have shared here, concentrating not on the
aftermath per say, as it included emotions on both your parts, expected of
either side given the circumstance. Your statement that he wished to serve
You, coupled with his presentation of offered abilities, stricks me as someone
whom is seeking more than a casual relationship. Again, not being privy to the
entire exchange, i am left with this flow of thought based on the statements
presented alone. If this boy was advancing with a genuine desire to establish
a D/s relationship with You, why would You tell him You were not interested,
if in fact You were at least interested in getting to know him? Did previous
exchange include serious mention of possibility of service, or was it strictly
a casual banter? This boy's offering to You speaks that perhaps the discussion
had advanced beyond simple conversation, at least where he was concerned.
Did You have any notion in Your exchange with him that he was heading in this
direction? If so, was the possibility of such addressed by You, whether to
advance or curtail his intentions of service. i am not speaking of Your kind
admittance to him that You did not wish to pursue a casual relationship,
because to me, it would seem the conversation had advanced beyond such.
Did You have forethought and knowledge that he wished to extend the
exchange into an area of serious application, and if so, why would You
discard his desire as simple casual intent, and amplify such with the
revelation of Your disinterest? Simply to see what he would say? This
boy appears to have had reason to pursue exploring a surrender of
service to You, and You disregarded Your own desire and interest in
getting to at least know him, simply to hold audience to his reaction.
This greatly disappoints me as a submissive, causing me to pause in
my offer of vulnerability to Those whom i seek to uplift and exalt. Is such
just part and parcel of the litmus test to gage the emotions of submissives?
Are we from beginning to end simply gifted mistrust and maze, viewed
as unworthy of honest intent, that we might bleed emotions for the audience?
That they will stand and applaud when even angels end up falling. Pity indeed.

With Love and Respect, chia* (the pet) 

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 3:37:41 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
Maybe if the submissive had read MzMia`s profile before contacting Her. he would have known what to expect. It clearly says Friends only and clearly states my way or the highway. Some people dont agree with that, yet if its Her way of dealing with things then tough, its clear from the start this is the reaction one will receive.
my question to the submissives here is this. In order to communicate properly, and even to comment on the thread, would it not be wise to read Her profile first. i would think that any Dominant, male or female, would react the same way to submissives passing comments on Her actions, at least publicly.
If i have had a comment on a thread that i am unhappy with ( from anyone ) then i send a polite IM explaining myself. For me, i find this the best way to deal with things when using a Forum, rather than get into a "public" argument.

(in reply to Majik)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 4:17:43 AM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDolly

MzMia, any intelligent, genuine sub man is going to see you as a Woman who possesses tact, class and intelligence.  If he fails to see this, he's not too bright.  Anyone with a brain and some common sense can tell you're a decent Woman who gives respect to others and has a pleasant demenour.   G*nite sweets.


Thank you sweetheart.  A Mistress as sweet as she is beautiful.
Sweets to the sweet!
I peeked at your new webpage, it is wonderful and I can't wait until June 16th!



_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to MistressDolly)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 4:22:19 AM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

Maybe if the submissive had read MzMia`s profile before contacting Her. he would have known what to expect. It clearly says Friends only and clearly states my way or the highway. Some people dont agree with that, yet if its Her way of dealing with things then tough, its clear from the start this is the reaction one will receive.
my question to the submissives here is this. In order to communicate properly, and even to comment on the thread, would it not be wise to read Her profile first. i would think that any Dominant, male or female, would react the same way to submissives passing comments on Her actions, at least publicly.
If i have had a comment on a thread that i am unhappy with ( from anyone ) then i send a polite IM explaining myself. For me, i find this the best way to deal with things when using a Forum, rather than get into a "public" argument.


Thank you politesub, I feel the same way.
I could spend the rest of my life picking threads apart and arguing with people
and points of view on CM, I am not here for that.
I have come to realize there are a few, {mainly men} here that tend to say something
negative about anything I say on here.
I have noticed and I could show you at least 10 times they have done it, on recent posts here
on the Ask A Mistress section, it is a clear pattern.
If you want to check for yourself, review my prior posts on here.

It is always the same people, always coming after me.
It is their lot in life to do so, and it is my lot in life to continue posting.

Did you notice how it was stated that I think this is my forum?
LOL, have you ever heard that on here before?
Come on now, give me a break.

 Some of us can't agree to disagree on here. 
They could ignore me and my posts {since it is obvious they do not like me}

 BUT they get off on insulting me.
I actually enjoy being the "fall" Mistress on here for them, rather amusing
in a  sad way.
Again, if you look at previous posts you will see it has been going on for months here.


I may banter a bit and when I get bored with their rants, I do use the block feature.
I can tell you of at least 3 women that just stopped posting here because of them, and
show you the threads they publically stated it.
I like it here, and enjoy the Ask A Mistress section the most on CM.
Thanks again dear!
Sweets to the sweet*

< Message edited by MzMia -- 5/23/2007 5:00:32 AM >


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 5:27:12 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

Maybe if the submissive had read MzMia`s profile before contacting Her. he would have known what to expect. It clearly says Friends only


I know I'd have trouble reconciling "friends only" with, "I told him in a nice way, that I was not interested in a casual relationship."


(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 7:07:40 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
i think there is a world of difference between chatting as friends only and being in a casual relationship. The later means to me being that little bit more involved than just friends.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 7:21:37 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
**Lets see, he did act like a jerk!  That should be obvious.  Do you think blasting a Dominant and blocking her  is positive behavior?
I mean what part of his jerky behavior is it, that you aren't understanding here?

 
I do not know enough about what occurred in the dialog. Blocking a person may be justified or it may be part of an immature tirade. Blasting a person is usually not nice but such an assessment is incomplete without knowing the other half of the conversation. Sure, we can extend you the benefit of doubt because of familiarity due to your regular participation in the forums. Without credit for this familiarity, the information in your first post itself does not make obvious to me whether it was jerk behavior or not.

I think what is occuring here is that each of us is interpretting this information through our respective filters of experience. Dommes are recalling experiences they have had with an unpleasant sub as they try to imagine what might have occured. Subs are recalling a mirror experience as they try to imagine what might have occurred. In reality, the ability to be unfair exists across all people. One way I can examine my behavior to see if I truly think it is fair is to ask if I would feel comfortable describing my words and actions during a parting exchange when asked by a potential partner with whom I was becoming acquainted, and feel confident that my answer will not hurt how this potential partner feels about me. If you feel this way about your recent exchange, then all the power to you.

quote:

We ALL are influenced by prior experiences, aren't we?  Many people are influenced in a very negative way and take it out on others,

is that a valid excuse?

 
No, it is not a valid excuse. However, it is reality that helps with a broader perspective as well effective communication to check against or avoid such filters. Also, I think your statement equally applies when you respond in a way that is influenced by your prior experiences with subs.

quote:

I do not like to be overwhelmed by someone approaching me. 

 
I don't think there is one universal way to write to a domme. Common advice usually suggests some substance beyond a one liner. Common advice suggests asking questions to learn about the domme. He may have overdone it. He may have focused on his agenda only. In any case, I think it might lessen the frustration you face if you make your preference known through your profile or through your email responses.

quote:

He might have actually let me "talk" or type!   He wrote long extensive emails, I wrote 2 or 3 lines.  He was not "listening" to

what I typed.  He was acting on his own agenda, and he did not have the TIME to even listen to what I was saying.
If you approach a Dominant person, and over whelm them and they can't even type a sentence or ask a question, then you
are only concerned about YOUR agenda.


I am confused that you were interested in him until he jumped the gun even though all his emails were uncomfortably lengthy and overwhelmed you with his agenda. I am confused because if a sub is asking too many questions, I can imagine multiple approaches to remove from him and take over control of the conversation versus responding to his emails and then dismissing him as a sub with his own agenda. I am confused about how much this thread is about jerk behavior and how much about misunderstandings/styles of communicating. I am confused how a domme who asks a sub how he feels about a long-term relationship versus saying that she is not seeking a casual relationship is tip-toeing around a sub.

So in the communication in this thread, there is room for confusion and misunderstanding.

Furthermore, I think Pixel correctly read how your first response came across to me. I felt as if there was negative energy directed against me. If I had responded in the same spirit, there could have been a downward spiral in the conversation. If you did not intend to convey such energy, this thread serves as an example of how communication by text can come across differently than intended.

Also, at the outset I extend basic respect to all persons, female or male and domme or sub. I hope for similar basic respect in turn. I do not think identifying as a domme gives a woman license to treat a given sub without basic respect simply because he is a sub. If a woman acts this way without first establishing a suitable dynamic, then there is potential that a sub who does not feel the same way will be offended in such a dialog, and may respond in similar spirit. Perhaps this point is not relevant here but it has general relevance towards misunderstandings and styles of communication in the broader BDSM arena.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 7:28:27 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDolly
When dealing with sensitive issues, etc. I think how well you deliver your thoughts and how  openly and disarmingly  you listen is important.  


Wise statement.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to MistressDolly)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Simple Misunderstandings/Styles of Communicating - 5/23/2007 7:47:27 AM   
addicted2it


Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
Status: offline
Many misunderstandings, particularly on CM or the Internet in general, happen regularly because we are only using the print medium to communicate.  It takes a great deal of skill to be able to communicate effectly this way; and no matter how expert a writer you are, others can misconstrue what you write because they can't read or understand the language very well.  I mean, you can be the best driver on the road, and some idiot who's not paying attention can ruin your day.

Another point is that, unless you spend lots of time exchanging e-mail with someone, you aren't really going to find clues that tell you what kind of person they are.  As you practice this with someone often, you will soon begin to get better at it with them.

Emoticons are fine, but they don't have one for every single human emotion.


_____________________________

"What I lack in wisdom and intelligence, I more than make up or with age."

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 40
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