stella40
Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ocilla
I look forward to hearing some feedback on my strategy from both the D's and the s's.
I read your strategy and also that of Najakcharmer. I am not a male submissive but I feel personally if I were I would favour Najakcharmer's strategy.
I do not wish to criticise your strategy which seems fine, other that you write that you are seeking a LTR and after a few e-mails 'to establish chemistry' you would be... from what I can tell.... looking for signs of deference in your potential submissive. I'm not talking about offering to pay for coffee or expenses, something which I don't see within the realm of submission anyway but this would be within the bounds of common courtesy (especially if I were a male submissive). Anyone can show deference to anyone at any time, but deference alone is not the same as genuine submission.
I go along 100% with what Najakcharmer wrote, because it is that expectation alone which sorts out the genuine submissive from the 'not-so-genuine' submissive or player. As an experienced submissive the first thing I do right at the start of being aware of any interest in a Domme or receiving interest from a Domme is to go through her profile, journal entries, postings and to read them, study them and find out whatever information I can about her.
Personally I feel that while deference is pleasant and nice it's also a good way to hoodwink the less experienced Domme (if I wanted to) and has little in connection with real and genuine submission.
I can only explain this on the basis of my own experience which I will try to do so fully for the benefit of those others who might be finding it hard to find the right submissive or - more importantly - those submissive souls who are finding it very hard to find a Domme. I'm writing here about the initial contact between the experienced submissive and the experienced Domme. However this isn't a one true way, nor a one size fits all, there are other equally valid ways.
It doesn't matter if you're a Domme or a submissive, because if you are reasonably experienced you will ultimately have been caught out or fooled by someone. There's quite a few submissives out there who genuinely believe they can fool or hoodwink any Domme, I disagree and beg to differ.
Najakcharmer's expectation is one I would assume is the basic expectation of any experienced Domme. There is an initial transaction between experienced Domme and experienced submissive and if it doesn't go right there's no connection - period. At the very first sign of being interested in a Domme or being shown interest from a Domme (which has happened also) the first thing I would do before making any contact is to find out as much as I can about this Domme. I would study her profile, her journal entries, her postings, and if I found one, her website.
If I were approaching her, I would make sure that I had a full profile, with photos, and my initial contact would be to introduce myself, ask her what type of relationship she is looking for and to give her details of my profile and website. If she was advertising for a submissive I would mention my experience and make a suggestion as to why I feel I could fulfil her expectations as a submissive. I would also make sure that I was not in contact with any other Domme for whatever reason.
Why? Dommes are almost invariably highly intelligent women, they are also sensitive. In the initial stages of contact they are also inclined to be sceptical or even suspicious. The first thing I find that an experienced Domme looks for in a submissive isn't deference but rapport. (Expecting deference on initial contact was a major reason I quickly lost interest in a Domme. I refuse to submit to any Domme who will accept me as her submissive within minutes). This is a key, fundamental stage in the transaction. The first thing a Domme looks for in a submissive is a mind.
Now her finding that mental contact and her showing interest is where I would, as a submissive, start to open up and begin preparing for submission (not being submissive, but preparing to be submissive, considering that this Domme has control throughout of our interaction). These are where I start opening up, and sending her long e-mails and messages, often a few thousand words long. Here I am not being submissive to her, but I am opening up to her, all of me, being honest, telling her about my life, my experiences, and I do this to seek her trust and to develop her confidence in me as her new submissive. I show through writing so much that she is important, that our relationship is going to be important, and that I want her to see me as I really am. Here she is free to ask me as many questions as she likes, difficult questions, and to require further explanations.
But at the same time I would also seek just as much information about her. I go by the old saying 'better the Devil you know'. I want to know all about her, I want to know much more about what she has written on her profile, her interests, her life, her past, her history. This is why I maintain that the most fascinating and interesting part of a Domme is her mind, it is the most attractive part of her, and the most important. And be sure that if I am going to submit to a Domme, I want to know what she's about. I want to know what makes her tick.
I also want to know how she became a Domme, how much experience she has as a Domme, why she is a Domme, and I want to know in her words what makes being a Domme so important to her. I want to know her interests, her needs, I want to know her requirements, her wishes, wants, I want to know what she dreams about at night, I want to know her problems, her difficulties.
The more you know about a Domme the better, especially if it's going to be a long term relationship. Sure, domination comes as naturally to her as submission comes to me, but that doesn't make it easier. Being a Domme isn't easy, in fact at times it's damn difficult, and more so than with a male Dom a submissive needs to be able to fulfil emotional needs and to provide that mental and psychological stimulation which Dommes need to feel that emotional fulfilment they crave and also to progress and develop in a direction which a Domme wants.
This is worth highlighting. Most people would assume that submissives outnumbering Dommes by so much it is easy to be a Domme and she has so much choice. Really? So why are there so many Dommes out there who cannot find suitable submissives? Why do some Dommes require two or more submissives? And why do some Dommes find greater fulfilment in being a Pro-Domme? There are plenty of submissives out there worth their salt with any Domme. But can you really go the distance and be there for the long haul, and, over the years when her needs change, can you go the distance and be her submissive or slave in 10, 20 or even 30 years time? To me that is where the real challenge lies.
And we meet. Do I seek to show my submissive nature during the meeting? No. I am myself. I allow her to compare the reality of me with what I have written about me. She is in control. Once she is satisfied at this stage, we move on. I have opened up, she knows me, and who I am, and she sees this. Having got this far some Dommes would want to place me 'under consideration'. This is the trial period. This is where my new Domme would write about herself with relation to us, and this is precisely where she would define our relationship and - when she feels ready - require my submission. And I, being the submissive who I am, would never dream of even thinking to show my submission to my new Domme until that moment came and she felt that she trusted me enough and had enough confidence in me to require my submission.
And this is why some Dommes require a tribute, or why they become Pro-Dommes. Not because they are greedy or require the money, and certainly not because they think a meal in a restaurant or an expensive present shows genuine submission. They require a tribute or become Pro-Dommes simply because having different submissives provides them with the necessary emotional fulfilment and mental and psychological stimulation to satiate their needs to dominate.
And that need to dominate, to control for many Dommes is a very fundamental and basic emotional need which they need for their own emotional fulfilment and wellbeing.
DISCLAIMER: This posting on my part doesn't make me an expert in submission and I in no way wish to speak for any other Dominant or submissive who may have their own ways of establishing contacts with others. I am far from being a perfect submissive, and for all my experience I feel I still have a lot to learn and there is much I still don't know. I am simply writing from my own POV on the basis of my previous experiences. There are many other strategies which are as equally effective.
_____________________________
I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)
If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
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RE: why do MISTRESSES ask for tributes ? - 
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