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ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50

I have lots of male friends, Doms and vanilla...and it doesnt mean go away at all. 

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ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

If you view friends only as a waste of time you are shutting yourself out of one of the most useful, tried-and-true, awesome truths this little universe holds. Totally self-serving to those who can think beyond one step at a time:

Dude, friends HAVE friends.

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ORIGINAL: domiguy

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ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50

I have lots of male friends, Doms and vanilla...and it doesnt mean go away at all. 

I'm not sure, but what I think you have are acquaintances.  I might be splitting hairs....Friends are rare. With friends there is a connection...It's not the passing "hello how ya' doing?" It's a choice and a priviledge to have someone as a friend. It's a matter of substance...Someone who actually gets you...It's deep.

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ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

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ORIGINAL: salilus

That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant.

A female dominant on these boards and I were talking at one time about this (this used to be one of my standard complaints), and she said something that made complete sense, and I've been living my life by that mantra ever since. The jist of it is: If a woman tells you at the beginning stages of a relationship that either a: She wants to be friends, or b: She isn't ready for a relationship right now but would rather be friends (and still manages to be dating others who treat her bad, cheat on her, steal out of her wallet, etc., what that really means is she does want a relationship. Just not with you.

I can't tell you how many female friends I have in my life. It's absurd. Yes, I'm that guy they can call in the middle of the night and pour their heart out to, knowing I'll always listen, and no matter how bad the other guy treated them, they're still going to make the comment "I wish I could find someone like you" and still go back to the other abusive guy. But that's okay because the women who I have as friends I actually value as friends, as the word "friend" really means something to me, not just as a placeholder for "not interested in me".

So, I started treating this differently since discovering that. Yes, women will probably hate me for saying this, but I'm not really going to apologize because it has made my life a lot simpler and less hectic. I'll give you an example of an exchange that happened last year at the university where I am a grad student.

A very attractive female grad student started last year and we finally had a moment to sit down and talk. At one point, her flirtatous attitude indicates to me that she finds me interesting and is quite interested in hearing more about me. So, I start to inquire "relationship"-wise. She blurted out. "I don't really see you that way. I see you more as a friend. A really good one."

I smile, nod, and say: "I appreciate it, but all my friends are people I've dated. It usually takes a long time to become a friend with me. I don't see that happening. So, good luck to you."

So, all during last year, this woman was hanging on my every word, interested in everything I said, wrote and discussed. She came by my office and wanted to hang out with me, constantly inviting me to "grab a bite or some coffee". Halfway through the semester, she comes by my office and tells me about how she broke up with her boyfriend and then wants to tell me the whole story. I smile, nod, and say: "I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable discussing intimate subjects with someone I'm not involved with."

Rest of semester, she won't leave my office whenever I'm around. Tells me, she's been "thinking" about me. She had a dream about me the other night. All that sort of stuff. Close to the end of the semester, she visits my office and asks: "How come we never got together? We seem so alike." I look up from my book and respond: "I'm very particular about the women I date. I have special needs." And I leave it at that.

Received an email from her the other day, stating that she was looking forward to seeing me again when the semester starts. Gave an indication she discovered some "info" and is anxious to talk to me when we get together. If she shows up on the first day in black leather and a whip, I'll have a good idea what "info" she discovered. And if she does, I'll introduce her to the woman I'm dating. That ought to be interesting.

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ORIGINAL: Saint

I know that for me, I am getting quite tired of being everyones friend. I just recently had a wonderful Domme tell me that I am a wonderful person to know, but she is afraid of ruining that by trying to be more with me. *shakes head* It is perplexing and I have to keep asking myself just what the hell am I doing wrong if I am such a wonderful guy and yet all anyone ever wants from me is friendship. Maybe I am a good guy to know, but should that be such a negative thing when looking for a person to be with? Do I need to be an asshole in order to find someone?

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ORIGINAL: salilus

That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant.

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ORIGINAL: Saint
How many submissives on here routinely meet someone within this lifestyle or outside of it while looking for a relationship and keep finding themselves in that whole dreaded friends category?

MJ has been a great friends for over 3 years. We live 3 hours apart and we had MANY differences as far as likes, dislikes, etc went. So that kept anything from really ever 'happening.' When we did finally decide to meet, we met as 'friends' nothing more, nothing less. We talked about limits and safewords, etc, justincase, we decided to play or if something 'else' was there. Well, something else WAS there.

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ORIGINAL: SirDominic

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ORIGINAL: salilus

That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant.

It seems to me that a lot of people responding are not getting the OP's problem. It's not that they do not want friends, it is that people they are interested in having a deeper relationship with consistently don't want to be anything more than "friends".

salilus' comments, above, are a classic example of how to shoot yourself in the foot, if you are wanting a deeper relationship. When a guy comes across with the "shoulder to cry on" personality, he is pegging himself forever more in the "friends" category. As a friend she is looking for some gentle, caring. Not what she is looking for in a lover. There she wants excitement, passion, that feeling in her gut that this guy is a handful.

It may not be fair, but that is the way it is. It is why so many women go for the "bad boy". He's not gentle or caring, but he is exciting, powerful. The bad boy is also vain, caring only for his needs, which is why his relationships are spectacular, but short.

The trick is to come across as the bad boy, while retaining the caring, sensitive part of yourself that women will fall in love with over time.

Namaste, Sir Dominic