quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


I must say you read like something out of cosmopolitan. While trying to say a D/S relationship can be soulful and connecting, you still nonetheless describe it as transactional and conditional.

In my relationship, neither one of us views it as an investment of time, we view it as a bonding experience. If its not bonding, its not going to last.

Bonding is not a by-the-numbers process either (do this, pay attention to that, etc. -- aka a Cosmo formula), no I think its an organic process that is intuitive and native to the individuals involved.

As I see it, if you as guy realize after time that a woman doesn't really care or value you --- you should walk out. Her bonding to you should not be a conditional process, rather it should be a purely personal, individual melding of her soul to yours.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

It's funny you say that. The main context of my OP was that submissives were the ones that felt "disposable," not that femdoms viewed them as disposable. Now that I reflect a little, it seems the better way to sum it is up as "garbage in, garbage out." But I have read that some submissives feel that they are fighting a losing battle, since they are so easily replaced. That seemed odd to me. Or, that femdoms in any way held that over a guy's head, in a literal sense, ie, "Well if you dont' like it, leave. Submissive #72281 is waiting to take your place."

Akasha

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ORIGINAL: cloudboy

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

It's funny you say that. The main context of my OP was that submissives were the ones that felt "disposable," not that femdoms viewed them as disposable. Now that I reflect a little, it seems the better way to sum it is up as "garbage in, garbage out." But I have read that some submissives feel that they are fighting a losing battle, since they are so easily replaced. That seemed odd to me. Or, that femdoms in any way held that over a guy's head, in a literal sense, ie, "Well if you dont' like it, leave. Submissive #72281 is waiting to take your place."

Akasha

My wife and I are in a polyesque arrangement. She has settled down with a secondary partner who is into DOM kink. Anyway, in her quest to find an extra marital relationship, she found getting male attention to be easy, like shooting fish in a barrel. But, finding guys who were height weigh proportionate, smart, thoughtful, and attractive was another story altogether. Then, finding a guy with those qualities with whom she could bond was yet another hurdle.

So, even though she found her guy in a "shooting fish in a barrel" arena, the guy she's connected with is entirely irreplacable. He's one of a kind.

As for my own experience in S&M, I have had it the connected way (in a close relationship) and in less connected ways. I don't think its all that easy for a complex woman to readily go out and find a man with whom she can have S&M in a connected, meaningful way. On the other hand, its probably easy for her to find a ready group of eager play partners.

So, in my view, a Domme could never replace a beloved, soulmate figure, or cherished other with a play partner. Hence, none of the former are disposible.

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ORIGINAL: preysub

I like many submissives feel like we are disposable some times because some people can be so rude and bossy instead of Dominant . Its understandable that we do not match everyone and that there is a need for Dommes to sort wheat fron chaff ,However i some time wonder how much wheat is waisted because no patients is shown to the hungey subs . I mean hungry ,in the sence of hungry to serve and please and as a result we tend to be a little keen or even impatient for establish some contact od discussion with a potential Domme .

On the subject of time invested in discussion etc well i agree ,this time needs to be used wisely. But even that is a two way street in that a Domme should in my view interview the sub to establish if there is any real likely match ,instead of waiting endless discussions on nothing and small talk and disappearing after 5 minutes not to return for a week .

preysub

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ORIGINAL: MisPandora

You just don't understand the other side of it.  If you did, you'd be truly disgusted at what your brother "submissives" do.

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ORIGINAL: DianeB269

A disposable sub is what I look for now. (when I'm looking)


Diane

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ORIGINAL: pollux
Not to mention that often in femdom play the whole point (!) is to objectify the male -- relating him to a role where he's merely "useful".  And what do you do when something isn't useful?  You throw it away, right?  That's the 800-lb gorilla in this discussion, IMO.  Part of me wants to respond to men who don't want to feel disposable, with, well get out of a subculture -- at least in its fantasy aspect -- which treats you as a disposable plaything.  But they don't want to get out of it, because that's HOT! 

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ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Sub are only disposable if they make themselves such. If they find that they are constantly being accepted for service then quickly released, my guess is there are two things happening. 1) The sub is choosing poorly. They're probably choosing what they fantasize about and not what they need in order to have a long-term fulfilling relationship. 2) The sub is, most likely inconcsiously, sabotauging the relationship. In either case, they need to work to improve their self awareness.

On the flip side, there are some Dominants who do the same...and thus can't find any that fit them longer than a few weeks.

Master Fire

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ORIGINAL: steviemichael

Disposable submission  gosh i wish this was the case most D/Ms want a submissive male to fit into the  "I want a sub that will do this and do that "typical stereotype little subbie that only exist in internet chat rooms and the virtual world of disneyland and use words like commitment  and trust whatever happend too wam bam thank you Mam !!

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Femdoms, do you consider submissives disposable? At what point, and why, does a submissive become non-disposable?

I am very interested to hear what other femdoms think of disposable subs - at what point are you vested in them?  Do you feel great loss when you have to give up on them?  Are they a dime a dozen in your opinion?

Akasha

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Femdoms, do you consider submissives disposable? At what point, and why, does a submissive become non-disposable?

I was thinking about this in response to a couple of threads ongoing and recent.  Some submissives have talked about how they feel defeated out of the gate because really, all a femdom has to say is "my way or the highway," because there are a hundred more subs lined up out her door waiting for a shot.  Others have talked about bdsm relationships being shallow, because a sub must obey or be tossed.  I thought about all this, and while I can see it may look that way, to me there's a deeper situation.

I think submissives are absolutely disposable upon first contact, of course.  Because they are just one of many. But from that point on, the clock is ticking, and any time a woman spends during this process is an investment. The larger the investment, the less disposable he becomes. To me, this is fairly straightforward.   For a submissive to assume otherwise, he devalues her time.  He thinks it's easy for her to just blow him off after spending 10, 15, or 100 hours working on him (whether that be emails, coffee, phone calls or play - it's all time, and time is a finite resource).

How does a submissive become less disposable?  Bank that time, and make it valuable to her.  Time well spent is a better investment.  And here's the key: Spend that time working on her hot buttons, not your own.  Or, focus the attention on her, not you.  That does not mean "how would you like to beat me today Miss" (even though you do not know her), it's effort to understand her as a woman, a friend, and a potential partner.  Find out how she ticks.   To stand out from the other submissives, really figure out how to touch her.

I think that's what it comes down to -- that the time invested is valuable to both people.  It's not as exciting and erotic to have that time invested be on learning her brain, her wiring, her joys and her fears; but it will endear you to her and make you less disposable.   The fun, saucy stuff comes as a byproduct of that.

That's just my opinion - I am very interested to hear what other femdoms think of disposable subs - at what point are you vested in them?  Do you feel great loss when you have to give up on them?  Are they a dime a dozen in your opinion?

Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

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