the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me!

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the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/24/2007 10:49:02 PM

Zaraseeks

Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
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Funny how I know that I am most happy and fulfilled when I am able to truly give my heart and devotion to a Mistress, when I can get past pride, fear, and ego, and serve from the heart. Probleam now is I did in my last relationship put it all out there, gave up control so completely, and was SO hurt by my very own submission. And now with my new loveing Mistress, who never hurt me, and I dont think She could ever have it in Her to hurt me the way I was hurt, but yet I am fighting my submission every step of the way, which makes Her feel like She isnt doing Her part, makes me question if I ever can allow myself to give the way I crave to give, and just frustrates me to no end!!! I need to somehow find the strength and courage to truly submit, and yet it seems like a near impossible battle!!! I even fight enjoying the acts of submission, I fight enjoying the pleasure it brings Her...*sigh* Very hard, I hope I can do it, it is who I am, it is what I need,,,any thoughts I would love to hear!

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/24/2007 11:38:57 PM

chickpea

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Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zaraseeks

Funny how I know that I am most happy and fulfilled when I am able to truly give my heart and devotion to a Mistress, when I can get past pride, fear, and ego, and serve from the heart. Probleam now is I did in my last relationship put it all out there, gave up control so completely, and was SO hurt by my very own submission. And now with my new loveing Mistress, who never hurt me, and I dont think She could ever have it in Her to hurt me the way I was hurt, but yet I am fighting my submission every step of the way, which makes Her feel like She isnt doing Her part, makes me question if I ever can allow myself to give the way I crave to give, and just frustrates me to no end!!! I need to somehow find the strength and courage to truly submit, and yet it seems like a near impossible battle!!! I even fight enjoying the acts of submission, I fight enjoying the pleasure it brings Her...*sigh* Very hard, I hope I can do it, it is who I am, it is what I need,,,any thoughts I would love to hear!

Step back into your submissive self with baby steps? Like test the waters again with small acts at first, then you see it's safe and different than before. Then you end up doing more. I think I'm guilty of it myself. I think of the whole submission thing, and then it frustrates me. But I guess this baby step thing is the only way to do it. Don't expect more from yourself than you're ready for. But then again, lots of things are easier said than done.

And give from the heart? Isn't that hard to find a person to give from the heart? Has to be the right one. And I guess you really miss your last relationship. But maybe if she is the right person, then it'll be easy to give from the heart. It's not giving from the heart itself that is the happiness, but being with the right person who you can give your heart to that is the source of happiness? Well, sort of vague what your situation is. But I totally can relate with ya and wish you the best.

< Message edited by chickpea -- 10/24/2007 11:46:18 PM >

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/24/2007 11:48:57 PM

Hergirl0824

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Joined: 10/2/2007
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i am agree with chickpea completely...being a new submissive if i try to look at the "big" picture then i become afraid of what i am facing even though my submission has actually brought great joy into my life. Ma'am sees when this is happening and makes me take a step back, slow down and enjoy things in the moment and not worry about everything at once...good luck hun

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/25/2007 12:09:06 AM

MissMagnolia

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Zara, it doesn't only happen in D/s relationships. Most people have, at some time in their life, been very hurt by someone they loved. The sense of pain and betrayal is so deep, we think we are so broken inside that we will never get over it. You didn't only lose love, you lost trust, too.

But life goes on, the world keeps turning and, if we are prepared to face the hurt and work to move on, we can. Some people can't move on because they hold the hurt, deep inside and I do feel sad for them. Some hug the bitterness to their hearts and won't let go and they never love again. That's tragic.

You have found love again and, in time, you will learn to trust again, too. The very hardest thing to do is to remember that THIS person isn't the one who hurt you. She didn't harm you or betray you. She is showing you love. Living and loving are risks we must take if we want to be a part of the world. There is no guarantee that you will never be hurt again. Existing without actually living is safe, yes, but can be very lonely for any of us.

Look for the sun behind the clouds and good luck!!

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/25/2007 2:08:15 AM

Politesub53

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Waves to Miss Magnolia.

Very nicely stated Ma`am. It struck a chord for me.

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/26/2007 7:24:20 AM

MaamJay

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Beautifully said Miss Magnolia *waves*!

To put it slightly differently to the OP ... don't make THIS Mistress accountable for the sins of the previous one! I learned the essence of this in a different context many years ago as a new high school teacher. One class came in, and were grumbling about another teacher because "He was upset with his year 9 class but he took it out on us! That's not fair!" Those words really struck home to Me and anytime I came out of a class in less than a good frame of mind, I took a couple of minutes in the prep room or My office to take a few deep breaths and let those feelings go before moving to the next group. It stood Me in good stead and I have fine-tuned the process over the years! It's helped Me remain friends with 2 ex-husbands ... because I would rather retain a friend than make an enemy ... and has helped Me move with a fresh heart to a new sub after a previous one let Me down. Similarly, it kept my sub side in the hunt for a Master when previous One let me down ... and boy, did that One do me a favour! i count myself so blessed to have been 24/7 with my Master for over 3 years now.

While I don't doubt that there are some issues with which people may need professional help, sometimes it takes a conscious will decision to put the baggage from a previous relationship down and LEAVE it there and move on. I hope the OP can achieve this ... she is running the very real risk of her new Mistress feeling lost, confused, hurt, and rejected ... whereupon She will give up and leave and the OP will feel rejected (and vindicated!) all over again. Very dangerous loop that!

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/26/2007 7:42:03 AM

Argentopal

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Joined: 12/12/2005
From: Central Texas / Hill Country
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Hello zara,
Everyone so far has said wise and honest things to you and i agree. Anyone who says they have been so forunate to ahve never been hurt, in my humble opinion, has either not been living their life to the fullest, hasn't risked anything of themselves yet, or is just not willing to admit it. For me, life and submission isn't worth much if we do not risk. Even the right person is going to hurt us, no matter how much they love us and how honest and kind they are. We are all human. For myself, i had to learn not to hold the one that i loved to such a high standard thet they were bound to fail at some point. Subs talk about having bad days or hard times, think about the huge responsibility Doms of all genders have. They have bad days too.

I tend to compare life to music and i find songs that speak to me. When Sir and i married, many years before our Ds life began, we had 2 songs for our wedding and both speak volumes of our feelings then and still: Never Before and Never Again sung by Miss Piggy to Kermit in the 1st Muppet Movie and The Rose sung by Bette Midler. Today I would add the words to The Dance & Standing Outside the Fire both by Garth Brooks. Read these words. They are so so true. Life isn't worth living if you don't take chances, and ~for me~ i need the pain of the bad days to feel, to appreciate how amazing the good ones are. Good luck in this journey to yourself. It is worth every step.
sincerely,
opal
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/garthbrooks/standingoutsidethefire.html

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/31/2007 5:31:47 AM

Zaraseeks

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WOW, ThankYou everyone, wonderful advise! Really, I appreaciate the support along with the very real and honest take on the situation.

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RE: the battle of submitting to someone who HASNT hurt me! - 10/31/2007 5:41:48 AM

thetammyjo

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My initial thought, Zaraseeks, is that you may want to get into some personal therapy where you can deal with your own issues outside of the Ds dynamic. Frankly it doesn't sound like your issues really have so much to do with your role in BDSM but with your ideas about submission and past experiences.

There are some self-identified kink professionals who specialize in mental and emotional health but I also believe that a good therapist will be helpful and non-judgmental regardless of their own orientation.

You might also want to start investigating your own feelings and reactions by journaling and asking yourself hard questions. I think the MissAbernathy books might have some good questions you could consider.

If you want your current partner to stick by you as you work on things you will need to keep communication open but here's a warning: doms are horrible at separately self from problems their partners have. I know this first hand because I'd done it numerous times.

At the core, Ds relationships are basically human relationships. Your issues are not unique as experiences and feelings but they are uniquely yours.

It will take time and it will have ups and downs.

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