Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it"

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Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/24/2007 11:39:08 PM

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Femdoms, have you ever had a budding relationship with a submissive and things seemed to be clicking, then he did something to totally "blow it" in your opinion and ruin everything? What did he do and why was it a big deal to you? Would you ever give him a second chance? Are there stumbling blocks other submissives could avoid and learn from the mistakes?

Many years ago when I was single there was a guy I met here or on another site, I can't remember, and we were at the stage that we were talking on the phone several times a week and had exchanged pictures, things were looking good, and it was close to setting up a time to meet (I was going to fly out of state to meet him). I had made it clear to him that I would find it highly inappropriate at that stage that he engage any other femdoms in online play or submission because I was serious about things, and he swore he would never think to do such a thing. I found out a week later not only was he doing it, he was with a friend of mine in a little tight knit femdom community we had online. I couldn't believe it, but it was true. He was doing the entire "online live domination play" with her on IM daily. When I called him on it he flat out lied to me, not know that I knew her myself. I told him that ballsout lying on matters of this kind would mean goodbye forever and he continued to lie. I sent him the logs and he called back with a different story, begging me to forgive him for lying, that the other girl "meant nothing" and it was just a harmless thing (different than what he told her). I never talked to him again.

The lesson here? If you are going to fuck up, own up to it and don't lie. The lies will bite you in the ass. I knew right then he could never be trusted, and he was thinking only of himself, and playing both of us.

Akasha

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/24/2007 11:47:23 PM

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From: Stockton, California
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People don't often give submissives a second chance, at least in my observation and experiences. In your situation, I personally don't think he deserved a second chance. Having said that, there are a number of times where I wasn't given a second chance for something so trivial that I still wonder why it ended a relationship. But I often believe the rules don't apply to everyone, and I have yet to figure out what creates the benchmarks. Nor do I really even care anymore, for that matter.

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 12:50:52 AM

CollegeConundrum

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You're eliminating a dangerous distinction here of "submissive" and "person"

"Person" makesmistakes all the time, some are forgiveable, some aren't. It shouldn't be "the submissive" makes a mistake and they shouldn't be given more of less of a second chance because they're submissive. The guy above me is right; submissives get the short end of the stick. In my opinion, partially because dominants have a very high opinion of themselves and they know there's "plenty of fish in the sea", so to speak.

Me, personally, if I screwed up, I'd own up to it. And if that's not enough to placate her, then fuck her, I'll help her pack.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 3:59:22 AM

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I try to look at each situation and evaluate the problem. If it is a blatant lie such as you described-- no second chance from me. Mistakes happen sometimes and if the person (submissive/slave or anone) isn't aware of the actual problem, they can have a second chance with me if they truly wish to rectify the problem.

I recently gave a so-called slave a second chance. His lies have managed to have him booted out of my life completely. He just couldn't seem to understand the concept of honesty.

I feel like almost anything can be worked out, if there is honest communication in a relationship.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 4:09:16 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CollegeConundrum

You're eliminating a dangerous distinction here of "submissive" and "person"

"Person" makesmistakes all the time, some are forgiveable, some aren't. It shouldn't be "the submissive" makes a mistake and they shouldn't be given more of less of a second chance because they're submissive. The guy above me is right; submissives get the short end of the stick. In my opinion, partially because dominants have a very high opinion of themselves and they know there's "plenty of fish in the sea", so to speak.

Me, personally, if I screwed up, I'd own up to it. And if that's not enough to placate her, then fuck her, I'll help her pack.

Me personally, looking at your attitude and profile, I guess plenty of people have packed and left you far behind.

I'm with you MamaDomme. An honest mistake is one thing, but a blatant flouting of the rules or lying, no second chances.

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 4:21:34 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

quote:

ORIGINAL: CollegeConundrum

You're eliminating a dangerous distinction here of "submissive" and "person"

"Person" makesmistakes all the time, some are forgiveable, some aren't. It shouldn't be "the submissive" makes a mistake and they shouldn't be given more of less of a second chance because they're submissive. The guy above me is right; submissives get the short end of the stick. In my opinion, partially because dominants have a very high opinion of themselves and they know there's "plenty of fish in the sea", so to speak.

Me, personally, if I screwed up, I'd own up to it. And if that's not enough to placate her, then fuck her, I'll help her pack.

Me personally, looking at your attitude and profile, I guess plenty of people have packed and left you far behind.

I'm with you MamaDomme. An honest mistake is one thing, but a blatant flouting of the rules or lying, no second chances.

I hadn't read his profile until your post-- and now I really have to agree with you on that!

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 5:39:26 AM

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Oh boy, this hits home for me. I just recently booted my first ever sub before we even made it out of the starting gate. I'm pretty bummed about it, but I didn't think I had any other choice.

A month or so ago we started chatting and we were supposed to get on Yahoo the next night at 8pm. Well he never showed up. I IM'd him a couple more times and figured he'd flown the coop. Finally about two weeks later he emailed me and apologized and said he'd been out of town on business. I told him then I wasn't happy about it but it was OK as long as he never did that again. If he couldn't make an appt. again just to tell me and it would be fine. I just need to know.

So fast forward after a couple more weeks of chatting online we meet and he agrees he'd like to become my sub. I'm new, I'm slow he has to be patient etc... All OK with him. So we have another date about a week later and I know he's going out of town again in a few days. I tell him to email me. He assures me that he will have his comp with him and internet access. I never hear from him. I text him. I call him. I email him. Nothing. Finally 10 days later, I get an email from him saying he's sorry hes' been out of town, busy etc... he still wants to be my sub, please don't look elsewhere etc....

Well what else am I supposed to do? This is not a 2nd chance, it's a 3rd chance he's asking for and we are barely getting started. I had to tell him so sorry but no. It seemed obvious to me that he wasn't really ready or willing. So I wished him the best and told him to do some soul searching and figure out what he really wants.

I'm struggling a bit with my decision because I really liked the guy. But I just didn't see any other choice that would leave me with any credibility and self respect at all.

(in reply to MamaDomme)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 6:05:32 AM

urtoy

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My thoughts....admittedly personal and from the submissive side.....that each of us needs to know where the "deal breaker" line is drawn for ourself. For me, there is no tolerance for lying (especially a lie which leaves the other person's fidelity suspect). As to other infractions, I'd tend to be realistic, especially about the limitations of online relationships. If someone doesn't make an appointment for chat, especially if that person is on a business trip at the time, I would assume that real life circumstances intervened until I had reason to believe otherwise. Life tends to be messy and it isn't always possible to time things with any precision. If a would-be Dom has a problem with my responding to a friend in trouble or the needs of my offspring, he'd best look elsewhere as real life concerns always trump cyber-relationships.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 6:48:47 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

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I don't understand why any Domme would not have her new sub's cell phone number and the right to ring him any time she likes for any reason she likes. Maybe I am a bit intrusive and over-controlling......lol

Plenty of subs haven't made it out of the starters gate.

No 1 - not taking down his adds from the net once we have met.  I expect the trolling to stop immediately and not resume until the relationships hasn't worked out

No 2 - maintaining intimate relationships (not necessarily sexual) with other Dommes without my OK.  All the ex-Dommes and "hovering" Dommes have to meet me in person and get my OK as alpha female in the new power triangle.

No 3 - totally incompatible kinks. Why would a sub that hates pain pursue a sadist?    Because any Mistress is better than no Mistress? Its just silly and the BDSM stinks (coz no-one is having a good time)

No 4 - bad manners, tells lies, lazy, cheap, forgetting to ring or - worse - standing you up, not over his ex yet, the ex isn't really his ex yet, puts you down,  - these are all reasons to kick a new guy to the kerb whether you are kinky or vanilla. He just doesn't respect you and if he doesnt respect you in the early days, it ain't going to get better, believe me.

No 5 - secretive. I just don't like it. If I am the dominant, why can't I know where you live, where you work and your phone number. You know those things about me. If BDSM is all about trust, sneaky and secretive is a big red warning flag the guy is no good.

No 6 - sleazy. Look, the sad truth is that plenty of promiscuous and shallow sex addicts troll pretending to be subs. The saddest part is that they really believe their own BS and can be pretty convincing as "subs". Dating someone who cannot stop sleazing after other women is just awful and eventually would demolish any Domme's self esteem. Having wasted 2 years of my life in the 90s on a handsome, kinky sleaze, nowdays I dump a sub as soon as I see his "sex appeal" and "infectious charm" thinly disguises a sleazy nature

Second chance? Not usually. I tend to tell someone exactly why I am not interested in them any more. Brutal honesty works for me. Sometimes my judgement is wrong, but if I have "gone off" a guy, there's nothing he can really do to revive my interest. There's too many other sweet, kind, well-behaved subs out there to waste more time on the duds.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 10/25/2007 6:53:54 AM >

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 6:49:36 AM

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Well speaking for myself, I find that when I "blow it", they generally
require me to come back and "blow it" again and again and again.

chia* (the pet)

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 7:34:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Femdoms, have you ever had a budding relationship with a submissive and things seemed to be clicking, then he did something to totally "blow it" in your opinion and ruin everything? What did he do and why was it a big deal to you? Would you ever give him a second chance? Are there stumbling blocks other submissives could avoid and learn from the mistakes?

<snip>

Akasha

Oddly enough, I have and it was pretty much for the same reason. Lying. It didn't involve another Domme or anything like that. What he actually lied about was something rather simple. A situation that I honestly wouldn't have cared about at all if he would have told the truth about to begin with. The thing was, since the lie was told, (it was about his living situation..... no, not a wife) he had to keep telling it. So, the lie became a repeated lie. When the truth was discovered, I told him flat out that his release wasn't based on what the situation really was. It was based solely on the fact that he had been dishonest about it.

Truthfully, he wanted a second chance. Asked for it more than once. There were times I even wanted to give it to him. I just couldn't do it. If someone isn't trustworthy on the little things, how do you trust them on the big things?

Oddly enough, I heard from him out of the blue just a couple of nights ago. During that conversation, he told Me that he regrets blowing it and will always wonder what might have been. I guess it just goes to show that there's good reason to take up that old credo of honesty is the best policy.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 8:09:01 AM

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littlesarbonn, it's possible they were looking for a way out. Or they turned out to be alot more strict.

Dealbreakers should be discussed in the negotiations of the relationship.

MsC, that looks like a pretty good list to keep in mind.

I have an ex-bf who likes to come around every so often, (like maybe about once or twice a year, usually at this time of year.) He swears up and down that he has changed,blah blah blah. He has had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to many chances. Though I wouldn't mind shocking him when I tell him what I have been up 2. **snickers**

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I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 8:22:30 AM

YesMistressIrish

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From: Calif
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AAkasha: I have experimented with giving subs a second chance. Lies from a sub are an instant deal-breaker for me and I do not give liars a second chance.

TNstepsout: Did we connect with the same sub? lol. Same story. Two weeks of no communication for any reason isn't acceptable to me. It only takes 60 seconds to make a phone call and 5 minutes to send an email. He said he couldn't get to a computer while he was away?

Most libraries I know of have internet access and there are places all over town where you can spend $5 to get online.
He probably had work accociates who have a lap-top?

He 'forgot' his cell phone while out of town or while on vacation? Pay phones are everywhere.

One of the first things I ask a sub to do is memorize my phone number, write it down and have it in his wallet, and enter it into his phone. Then, no excuses for a 'no call'.

This subject kind of turns my stomach.

I simply do not 'get' game playing, lying, no-shows, etc.

I find this kind of behavior ridiculous and a total waste of time for everyone. What does any sub get out of being a user, or a liar, or 'playing' a domme?

I seek healthy relationships with everyone I connect with. That includes Dommes, Doms, and subs, vanilla included.

Certainly there's no logic to all the actions of subs I read above.

I understand life gets complicated, work or family can get in the way, however it is so easy to stay in touch if a sub really digs a domme. One minute, five minutes is all it takes.

Irish

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 8:24:59 AM

RRafe

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No Domme here,obviously.

Every single damned time I have given a sub a second chance-after breaking deal breakers-they did it Again. w\With no exceptions.

Once an asshole-always an asshole. Better to just suffer it once.

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 8:58:37 AM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Lying is the instant deal breaker for me, too, though perhaps my past relationship with a pathological liar makes me ultra-sensitive. :) These days, I even nail them for lying about their age in their profiles. <G>

In the early days, my radar is full on, and the smallest things create a blip for me. It might not be the "fault" of the other person in that they did something on purpose, but at this point I can spot the behaviors that will lead to problems later. Just last week at a party, my potential wasn't to be seen. That was not a big deal. I called him and he said he was in the smoking room. Since I can't go in there, I asked him to come out and say goodbye. His response? "I'm talking right now". Guess who won't be coming over this weekend!

MsC's list is fabulous---things for us all to keep in mind, I think, since isn't it easy to be persuaded. Sure, men that SAY they are subs are thick on the ground, but worthwhile ones are not, and compatible ones are not.

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 9:10:59 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CollegeConundrum

You're eliminating a dangerous distinction here of "submissive" and "person"

"Person" makesmistakes all the time, some are forgiveable, some aren't. It shouldn't be "the submissive" makes a mistake and they shouldn't be given more of less of a second chance because they're submissive. The guy above me is right; submissives get the short end of the stick. In my opinion, partially because dominants have a very high opinion of themselves and they know there's "plenty of fish in the sea", so to speak.

Me, personally, if I screwed up, I'd own up to it. And if that's not enough to placate her, then fuck her, I'll help her pack.

Or she might instruct you to pack and give you a nice hard kick in the ass as she tosses you out the front door. Personally thats how I would deal with someone with an attitude like yours.

OP I would give a submissive a second chance and have, in fact I gave a third chance to which he blew. All three were the same damn infraction, cheating, so I gave him the warnings and then finally the boot. I feel if a person cannot learn from their mistakes and heed the rules they do not need to be playing the game. If the sub has a problem with the rules he/she should speak up and say so as communication is usually the key to solving these problems.

~Lashra

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 10:41:52 AM

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Lady Hibiscus, at least you got to see his true colors before you 2 went any further. Hopefully soon you find someone who is worth it

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Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 10:45:05 AM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Thanks, LL! I confess I was surprised, but hey! best to find things out early.

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 11:10:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

No Domme here,obviously.

Every single damned time I have given a sub a second chance-after breaking deal breakers-they did it Again. w\With no exceptions.

Once an asshole-always an asshole. Better to just suffer it once.

I have to agree.

People make errors but I'd not toss a relationships because of errors.

If someone lies or breaks the contract once, why should I believe they won't do that again?

Or to paraphrase the Dalia Lama (?spelling?) who is in my town this week "Forgive but don't forget."

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RE: Second Chances? Submissives who "blow it" - 10/25/2007 11:23:34 AM

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Wanted to say this about forgiveness: (this is a general comment and not directed to anybody.)

When I forgive someone for what they did wrong, I am not doing it for their sake, but for my own. I do not want hating, or even disliking someone to weigh upon me like a lead weight. I forgive,(not forget.) and move on. much more better things to be spending my precious time on.

Sings in an off key voice,"I pick myself up,dust my self off,and start all over again"

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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