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A bit lost and confused - 10/26/2007 10:30:45 PM

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

I am here because I want to learn. I have lived my life the way I was raised. Mother always said "be strong, depend only on yourself", "You don't need anyone else", "If you depend on others, nothing will ever get done". I am not happy like this. I have always gone out of my way to make others happy but I'm trying to make myself happy now. I like to give up control to others, I have to be in control in so many places and so many ways that it suffocates me. My family doesn't understand. My friends don't understand. I like to please. I have fantasies of being bound and blindfolded... of things I can't really explain, and it scares me a little.

I gave myself over to a guy I trusted and things didn't work out. He manipulated me in a bad way. Lied about the other woman, hurt me beyond what I was okay with. I had no idea what BDSM was at the time. I hated myself after each meeting with him but I couldn't say no to him. I'm not usually a doormat, I stand up for myself even if I have to do it sobbing; this was trained into me at an early age. I had to run away to escape. I changed my phone number, my address, my job, my life.... because if he asked I would go to him.

The things I desire go against everything I was every taught. It scares me. I am a strong person because I have to be but I have to find a safe place to let go. I need some one that can pick up the pieces when I fall apart. Some one that can make me believe it's safe to fall apart. I know I have self esteem issues. I can't deny that.

I don't know how to act on these things. I'm afraid to try again now that I kinda know what I'm getting into. I'm pretty sure I'm sub. I just need to know if I'm in the right place. I need people to talk to that have been where I'm at, hopefully to help me find what I'm looking for; even if I don't know what it is yet.

_____________________________

Those who would gather roses must brave the thorns.

Nothing is weaker than water; yet against those things which are hard and strong, nothing can surpass it, nor stand in its way.

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/26/2007 10:45:42 PM

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sub does not mean "no longer responsible adult" Even doms and masters want a safe haven they can just relax and feel safe with another, can you provide that to them? The best relationships are where everyone works to the fulfillment of everyone- no one just gets a free ride.

Strong people make strong relationships- that doesn't mean you're never allowed to be weak or have moments where you need help, but it means you need to have a solid strength in yourself that refuses to allow you to ignore what you know is wrong.

Don't let your neediness to feel safe in the moment overwhelm your actual need to be secure in a relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/26/2007 10:46:13 PM

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

I have been where you are. My first Master was a bad bad man and to get away from him I had to move to the other side of the country, but time continues and no matter how much I fight it i can not deny my instincts. If you dwell on the past then you will never be happy never find what you are seeking.

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/26/2007 10:46:54 PM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

The problem with life is that it can be a bitch. The best I can say is to walk away from it as best as you can, stronger from the incident. Try to learn from it, and don't let him have control over your life if you can prevent it. I wish you the best of luck.

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 12:12:23 AM

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
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My Mother used to say, "Don't duck, if I'm gonna hit ya, I'll hit ya".

Chin up, no regrets, be the strong Woman you are.

We learn and grow from each and every obstacle we overcome.

People will always disappoint you, that is a given.

There is nothing here you are supposed to be, but true to yourself.

Need, don't be needy, one can be beautiful, the other destructive.

Each of us has moments when we question if our desires are genuine.

Sometimes the answer we find within, is the last thing we expected.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 1:14:40 AM

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/1/2007
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

Sub does not mean doormat m'dear, and you got with someone who treated you horribly. My advice for you would be to take some time out from relationships and just do some soul searching, find what makes you happy, and persue it. If you're like most of us true submissives out there, you've always had an urge and a need to make people happy even at the cost of yourself. That can be a distructive tendency especially if you're not with a good Dom who wont let you burn out like that. You need to take some time out to learn how to not only please others, but how to please yourself, and how to listen to yourself. Odds are there were some warning signs when you got with this man that you didnt listen to. Learn how to listen to yourself. If he makes you wary, and not in that good anticipatory way, then he is not the dom for you. And as always, please, feel free to contact me if you need a friendly ear to listen to you. Lord knows we all need it once in a while.

(in reply to chiaThePet)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 1:47:51 AM

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings starlightsoul,

wanting these things is natural - you are not bad or wrong for it. for me, submitting to him has helped me grow as a person and learn NOT to be a doormat and carry the whole world on my shoulders - i still struggle with it, especially because i am pretty much the only person i can depend on besides him and life is very difficult right now, but learning to moderate my inability to say no and create social/familial boundaries is one way in which submitting has helped me grow (not that it couldn't be learned in other ways, but this was the best way for me). ironically, by giving up all boundaries with him, i learned to relate to other people better by creating those boundaries. i am kind of rambling a bit, but i am hoping maybe sharing my experiences might help because what you posted sounds very similar to my life. because i was kind of catapulted into relying solely on myself, i learned really quickly, though, that what matters to me in my life is more important than what my family, friends, or anyone else thinks about me. the fact that your family or friends may not understand what you want out of life, or that what you have always been taught might go against it, should not stand in the way of you seeking what you want. i was raised to be a very strong, dominant woman and to desire to be owned by a man definitely goes against the role models and lessons that i had in life early on. a few of my family members know a little of the extent of my personal relationship and i am definitely the quirky odd one out in their eyes, hehehe. i think the important thing to remember is that BECAUSE you are the one who is responsible for your life...you are the one who has to live your life day in and day out, and thus what you want is more important than what anyone else wants you to do. THEY do not have to be in your shoes 24 hours a day. you do. just take it slowly - you have already learned the kinds of things that can happen if you don't set boundaries, so use that to help you learn how to set boundaries, especially as you explore being submissive. do not let your need to please get in the way of knowing what is best for you in relationship. i hope everything works out; i apologize if i was too weird or tangential with my post.

respectfully,
annabelle.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to JaehreksSlave)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 5:57:18 AM

Posts: 130
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

Having the strength to properly submit to the right person can make you the strongest person of all. Try getting a network of other subs around you to talk to and keep up to date on your life-- and they can help you not cave in the situations that you don't want to be in (ie that one that made you change all the contact info). Depend only on yourself to be the strong one, but creating a network and using it is quite a good thing and shows forethought.

Don't be a doormat but that doesn't mean that you can't submit.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 6:19:04 AM

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

I think LA said it the best.

quote:

Sub does not mean "no longer responsible adult"

I want to be with my partner, but I also want to know that I am not so dependant on him that I would not be able to function without him in my life.

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 6:32:05 AM

Posts: 265
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline

What you have written rings so true with me starlightsoul. I too have had to be strong about so many things when deep down I just wanna have someone there to be my hero & my captor.

You do sound beautifully submissive to me
You already know that some people think that means you will be a door mat but given your actions you know this isnt acceptable.

It takes time to find the one who'll love you & treat you as you deserve & crave but when you do you will become so content and at peace... like never before.

Hugs

Dragon

(in reply to Squeakers)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 6:52:22 AM

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

My Mother used to say, "Don't duck, if I'm gonna hit ya, I'll hit ya".

Chin up, no regrets, be the strong Woman you are.

We learn and grow from each and every obstacle we overcome.

People will always disappoint you, that is a given.

There is nothing here you are supposed to be, but true to yourself.

Need, don't be needy, one can be beautiful, the other destructive.

Each of us has moments when we question if our desires are genuine.

Sometimes the answer we find within, is the last thing we expected.

chia* (the pet)

brillant post, Chia !
I ditto this.........and I think I love your mother! giggles..

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to chiaThePet)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 7:00:47 AM

Posts: 119
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

Starlight the things you have written could be taken straight from one of my journal writings. Many of us, i am sure, have been raised to believe certain things and most of us spend a great deal of our lives searching for the things that can make us happy. We want and need love, acceptance and security. Work on finding these things within yourself first, so that when you do find the One you were meant to be with you can offer Him all that you are and be a strong, loving couple. You have already made the first step, you want to learn. Now read as much as you can, keep a journal of your thoughts, feelings and questions, find friends that will not judge you for the lifestyle you want to live, and above all else, give yourself the time and space you need to find you.

_____________________________

collared to Mistress Sizzlynn

When i let go of what i am, i become what i might be

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 7:39:52 AM

Posts: 14415
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StarlightSoul

The things I desire go against everything I was every taught. It scares me.

This is exactly where I came from. I was raised your typical upper middle class New England girl. I was extremely independent and I can be a very dominant personality.

First, I was very, very picky in who I chose to date. Yes....I said date. Dating is how I got to know the potential Doms in my life and figure out if what they wanted out of life matched what I wanted.

Next, my very first Dom was a wonderful man, that I'm still very good friends with. He knew and understood sub frenzy......and took things slow with me so that I wouldn't become frightened or burn myself out.

So, I would say: Be choosy and only accept someone that meets your list of qualities and don't be worried about taking things slow. Some people like to jump in with both fee. Some people like to ease into the water.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 7:49:08 AM

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

My Mother used to say, "Don't duck, if I'm gonna hit ya, I'll hit ya".

Chin up, no regrets, be the strong Woman you are.

We learn and grow from each and every obstacle we overcome.

People will always disappoint you, that is a given.

There is nothing here you are supposed to be, but true to yourself.

Need, don't be needy, one can be beautiful, the other destructive.

Each of us has moments when we question if our desires are genuine.

Sometimes the answer we find within, is the last thing we expected.

chia* (the pet)

who is this plant and where did the aliens take chia?

I'm kidding, great post and I agree. I'm sorry OP, the disppointment you feel over a lost relationship and in yourself when you are manipulated can be huge and hard to overcome. Your mother is right, you don't NEED someone else and should depend on you, but you are also human, make mistakes and desire to share your life.

The fact that you are struggling with your independence and strength vs. submissiveness isn't uncommon or any indicator of any failing on your part. None of us really truly know everything about ourselves, give yourself time and be patient.
You will find that to some extent these questions are always present, even with experience and age...you just stop overreacting to not having all the answers. Take a deep breath, take a break, go for a walk, eat chocolate, make a dart board with his picture and stab the bastard...but just let yourself be ok, because you are.
good luck to you,
l

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 10/27/2007 8:21:44 AM >

(in reply to chiaThePet)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 8:28:46 AM

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Actually, your mother was incorrect. People do need a strong support system. Unfortunately your family appears to be the kind that gangs up on you when you're down rather than helping you find a way back up.

There's nothing wrong in leaning on friends and lovers, as long as you are prepared to have them lean on you in return.

What you need now is to learn how to choose healthy partners. I suggest ACOA meetings, group therapy and/or individual therapy. As well as you sitting down and examining your friendships. If you needed to be driven to and from the oral surgeon for a procedure, is there anyone you could call? Would any of your friends feel free calling you for a favor? If so, would they be willing to do things in return or is it always a one way street?

Good luck, you have a lot of learning ahead of you.

(in reply to laurell3)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 10:34:15 AM

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Joined: 7/14/2007
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With the right person it can and should be a very freeing thing. My Master tells me repeatedly that I am FREE in Him.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Celeste43)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 9:38:20 PM

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

Thank you, everyone that answered. It has given me a lot to think about and I will think on it.

_____________________________

Those who would gather roses must brave the thorns.

Nothing is weaker than water; yet against those things which are hard and strong, nothing can surpass it, nor stand in its way.

(in reply to breatheasone)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/27/2007 9:51:30 PM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Again, I hope that you find what you are looking for, the balance that you need.

(in reply to StarlightSoul)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/28/2007 6:31:53 PM

Posts: 289
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Most people don't change their address, job, and life to escape a relationship they'd go back to if asked.

Perhaps the core difficulty isn't BDSM or what you were told about strength and independence.

You may want to consider getting a therapist to help you explore all of these things.

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)

RE: A bit lost and confused - 10/28/2007 8:50:20 PM

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Joined: 2/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cyntilating

brillant post, Chia !
I ditto this.........and I think I love your mother! giggles..

Why Thank You, Thank You very much.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to Cyntilating)

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