allyC
Posts: 776
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline
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Hi there writergirl. I am going to offer something I wrote a long time ago and although the situations are different, the solution (or coping mechanism) may work equally as well. I wrote this a few years ago when I was going through a dark time. ---------------------------------- I am awake. It is 4:56AM as I begin writing this and still I have not yet found sleep. It is amazing sometimes, how I can see things with such lucidity at such odd times of the night.
I am a woman who has a few illnesses. They are called Clinical Anxiety, Clinical Depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have learned in the many years that I have suffered from these maladies that they are not so much personality defects but rather medical conditions and as such, I have begun medical treatment for them.
Sometimes, it isn't enough.
So tonight as I felt myself falling into one of those downward spirals (Those of you who suffer from any of the above might know what I mean) I first turned to my owner and let him know where I was "going" so to speak. It is always necessary to inform him because after all, he even owns those spirals.
Then I got out of bed as the unwelcome and uncomfortable fingers of insomnia tightened their grip and I thought to myself - "What is it that I can do to make it better?"
These two words sounded off in my head with the utmost clarity
Please him.
You all might think that sounds either incredibly obvious or incredibly ridiculous but hear me out.
There was a day when I was in one of my dark holes and I was angry with him. It wasn't because he had done anything unfair or because he had intentionally hurt me. It was because I am ill and I was sorely lacking in the coping department and when he did something in my best interest, I was too lost in my own funk to see it. We had discussed and discussed and in the end, as it should be, his word was final. Because I must always do my best to keep the negative behavioral manifestations of such anger in check, I had a whopping amount of energy that was just bubbling to get out. I was really quite amazed at the fierce and fiery power generator that was burning deep in my icky places so I got up from my spot on the floor and I began to take that negative energy and spend it doing everything and anything I could to please him. I didn't make a conscious decision to do it, it just sort of happened.
When I am really angry with someone, it is difficult for me to go out of my way to please them - in fact I believe that is probably the case for most humans. A normal knee-jerk reaction to being angry at someone is usually quite the opposite but as I tend to be an abnormal person, *grin* I set to work.
From making sure he was as comfortable as possible to doing more housework - from putting on his favorite music to taking the time to lay my brow to his feet and pleasingly touch him I did anything and everything I could to ease his day and before I knew it, that ugliness within me was gone and it was replaced by the tones of inner serenity.
In any difficult time that followed, I did my best to remember that day and I poured my negative energies into positive action. I tried as hard as I could to bring my focus to pinpoint clarity, even in those moments when my sight was nearly blinded by my own irrational thoughts. It was difficult - it took conscious effort and it felt more like work than any part of my slavery to him had ever felt but in the end it felt like triumph and my path felt more secure but most importantly, I had taken something negative and turned it into his pleasure.
So I offer this to all of you in hopes that what works for me, may in kind work for you.
If you are angry and you feel as if you are about to explode, then please him.
If you cannot sleep and feel restless and edgy then please him.
If you have reached a point where you don't feel you can cope - then please him.
If you experience jealousy or envy and you're overcome with seeing red, then please him.
Even if you are angry with him, as difficult as it may sound - take a moment, focus, remember your purpose, and use that energy in any and every way you can to please him.
And when you think you’ve done everything you can to please him, do more.
It isn't that you shouldn't talk to him when you feel these things or that you should not face the issues themselves, but rather when you've exhausted those avenues and yet still you feel even the slightest bit of unrest.
Negative emotions and negative energy have an enormous and frightening amount of power. They can be extremely destructive and they have the power to repeatedly pull you from your chosen path of slavery. I decided that I would do my best to no longer allow that to happen. In fact, with conscious effort, I have and will turn them into the fuel that pushes me running right down the center of that path and further toward my goal as a slave and as a positive woman.
I cannot say that this is the cure-all or that it will help anyone else but me but I have found, as I walk this path of slavery that to ground myself in times of anger, and to find that divine place of serenity that my active and conscious surrender to him brings, it is exactly what I must do. I don't always succeed and as any human being, sometimes my emotions do get the best of me but I never stop trying. It wasn't until tonight, that I realized exactly what it was I was doing and those two words that mean so much popped into my head.
Please him.
And to think all this time I thought it was complicated...
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Well wishes,
Cav's ally
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