Zaraseeks
Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
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So I was reading in a Gor thread, and came across a "Master" doing the whole poor me, I fucked up with many slaves, blah blah, and went on to say that it seemed he had issues, in fact had addmited he did, and I said a Master or Mistress, Gor or BDSM (though I know little of Gor) HAS to Master themselves before they can another, and it is sad and scary to see one try without first working on themselves. As a switch when I do Dom, I hold myself to a very high standard, I must be in perfect control of myself, and in touch with myself in order to be in that subbies head and get the desired effect on both sides. There is a sense of honor, LOTS of self work, and always looking at ones-self.
So my question (and sorry this is a bit unclear as it is all coming so fast) What about the sub or slave? Does one need to first Master themselves? I know my first D/s long term relationship, I came to it with so many issues from my childhood, now Wwe were friends first, so She had already began to help me work through them, and upon entering it I was already in a state of self improvement, taking responsibility for my life, and looking at myself. But god knows I was still a wreck, She took my hand, gave me the loving push I needed when I thought I just HAD to run and hide from all I was facing, when the fight to Master myself seemed all too hard. She was there to wipe away my tears, and with Her love fight away my fears. I am ever Grateful, at that point in my life She was JUST what I needed. But this relationship came to be in a different way then most, as neither of Uus were looking, Wwe feel into being what Wwe were. So should a sub or slave take on this journey alone before seeking out a Mistress (I say Mistress because I serve Women almost exclusivly) Should the slave Master his or her self so to speak first? I know one can not come with so much baggage and only seek to hide escape from it, a mistake I often see in subs. Should a sub though dive into a matter of perfecting their life before even seeking a Dom? Please "bare" (lol) with me, I know this is horribly unclear right now.
Personally I have always held a strong sense of honor in my submission, it is about me being strong, sometimes that strength is saying, right now I am not strong here Mistress, please help me. By nature I am a strong willed person, i am a free thinker, I am not ever a push over, but my heart longs to submit, and when I do so I seek to do so fully, to me that is strong.
Now though my last Mistress at points in my life was exactly what I needed, and took great care of me and cherished my submission, She went through a horrible addiction and Oour relationship failed, I had to leave for me and for Her. But as stubborne as I am, and as much as I believe in fighting for love, it took me sometime to leave, therefore my submission was abused, trust broken, and I have some awful wounds from that. Not long after I came to my current Mistress, now mind You She was again a friend during the hard points of this breakup and this relationship also just sorta formed, Wwe didnt push it to happen, I did not seek Her out as a Mistress, that is what She became. But I am finding it very difficult to serve again fully and from the heart, there is so much fear, and I cant have that child like wonder and trust that I did with my last Mistress due to some of the ways She treated my submission, so I have alot of baggage, my current Mistress has given me every reason to trust Her, and I do from my heart long to please Her, but there is such an inward battle in again laying my subbie heart out there, I struggle so much, and as She points out it was never Her who gave me reason to distrust. She didnt hurt me, and yet She does pay.
I know I am asking about is it fair to seek one out when there is this sort of trouble, and I did not seek Her out. But since this is where this post has gone, is it fair that I bring HEr along for the ride? I am honestly working (activly) on getting past these issues, and wonder how far I could work past them alone, since I think I need to trust and see I wont always be exploited in doing so. But its hard to even lay that out there, should I have taken a step back and first gotten to the point where I can trust, and then trust Her nad allow Her to prove She wont hurt me?
To very briefly hit on some of these struggles, when She orders me to do something that will please Her, I bulk, and cringe as I do so, but it is as if I wont allow myself to feel the joy of obeying and pleaseing, something that my heart really goes crazy over, its as if there is this girl inside me telling me to not allow myself to feel that joy, as it is that joy that will bring my surrender and my surrender hurt me and will again, so I am fighting this girl, trying to let her know its ok, even if I do hurt, I wouldnt go back and not go through my last relationship even though I was hurt, because I learned so much, and the joy from that surrender was amazing. But alot of the time this girl wins, and I do not allow myself to feel the pleasure of serving, or I mask it with an almost bitterness (please everyone this is hard for me to look at myself and see that is what I do, let alone admit it, so be easy on me, PLEASE no purist question me here) As a submissive the question is almost always running throught my head "Will this please my Mistress, how can I go further than asked, am I thinking of myself or Her" But I tend to disregard that, the question is there, I think of the answer and deny myself and my Mistress that joy. Now I am getting MUCH better, I am working VERY hard, but it is a long way to come and a long way to go, which leaves the question, has that part of me died? Maybe "evolved" into something else, more of a bottom? Will I ever be able to fully allow myself surrender? God knows I hope I do, as that is the only time in which I feel truly complete and at peace, it is who I am. Why then is it so hard? And is it fair at all to my Mistress, part of me thinks (sometimes) I should walk away and figure it all out, I do not want to scar Her, but then I know that is not my decision to make, and She too has pointed this out. One other point (and I know this is SO all over the map) I came into this knowing it would be temporary, She is married, and has kids, I am live in now, but since Her husband is in the army they move every 3 years, in 3 years when they do move I can not come with, this cant be forever, (Her family and kids would begin to ask questions, Her husband is aware and supportive of Her and I, but not lifestyle and not really involved) So though Wwe are close and great friends and will always be a part of each others life, I will be hurt by this, it is inevitable, I think love is worth it, I decided knowing this that it was worth it, but I cant help but wonder on a sub conscience level is that why I hold back? Do I not fully surrender because I know that She will have to leave and that will hurt SO much more the more I have surrenderd?
Ok I am sorry, I feel this ended up being more of a journal than anything...but my questions are still valid if You can handle the rambling...so please any feed back and thoughts I would love to hear.
Peace,
eryn aka lil zara
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