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When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/17/2007 7:05:45 PM

yuyu777

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline

Has that ever happened to you?
What destroyed your feelings to your Dom?
and What did you do with it?

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/17/2007 7:11:37 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

That happened to me nearing the end of my relationship with my last bf. he couldn't or wouldn't make the time to spend with me, and it just got frustrating as hell. didn't help that it was during the holidays and I was working 2 jobs.

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Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/17/2007 7:14:11 PM

miladyh

Posts: 64
Joined: 12/23/2005
Status: offline

In my case it happened when I found out he had been using the lifestyle as a means to lie and cheat...I had a feeling he was doing this but the proof did not come until later. And then bold face lying about it when confronted with the proof.

Not only did it ruin a D/s relationship it ruined a 10 year marriage.

h

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/17/2007 7:18:03 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

When my Daddy and I quit seeing each other for a few months I thought that I had indeed stopped being submissive.. it turned out that I still only felt submissive to him, and when we got back together I felt submissive once more...

I do not know if that helps or not.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/17/2007 8:34:00 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings yuyu,

this happened with my previous master. it was mainly based around the issue of us being in a long-distance relationship...when we first started talking to each other, i still lived at home. he is older but lives with his parents (bad, i know) and is finishing school and has never had a job. i moved out, lost both of my parents, and had to start working and grow up really, really quickly. he didn't really know what it felt like to be in my position and although he was very supportive in some ways, in other ways it was hard for him to understand...and the fact that i couldn't see us being able to be closer together within the next year or two due to his situation basically made it very hard for me to deal with as well. i just felt too much like the adult in a parent/child relationship, i guess, which was not good for my ability to submit. i also felt somewhat trapped, which eventually led me to break things off.

we are still best friends and talk nearly every day; we are very much like close siblings now, and have moved onto other relationships, but maintain a really close friendship. it had nothing to do with him as a person...we were just in different spots and d/s didn't work out for us, but it has worked out for us with other people.

respectfully,
annabelle.

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i have the kind of beauty that moves...

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/17/2007 9:59:04 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

Has that ever happened to you?
What destroyed your feelings to your Dom?
and What did you do with it?

yes it has.

he stepped over an absolutely rock hard limit with me, one that we had discussed as being a limit for a long time, and broke my trust in him. two days after that, he was in the hospital with congestive heart failure. he quite honestly did not even remember saying the things he said to me....but my absolute trust that he would not deliberately hurt me had vanished.

i continued the relationship for another year, till he passed away, and did not regret it. i still loved him (still love him) but no, i couldnt trust him to that extent again, and due to his health conditions, we didnt play after that.

kitten

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 1:22:37 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

this slave is inclined to submit...even after previous relationships have been totally destroyed. they weren't specifically D/s or M/s, but this slave is oriented submissively in and out of the bedroom. submission isn't a "feeling" for this slave, or something that is reserved for the Dungeon or behind closed bedroom doors, though. it's her trained, ingrained (natural?) knee-jerk reaction to the world around her and the folks that are in it.

currently, this slave is in training and service to ONE, not all, as has been her past inclination.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 8:50:03 AM

sunshinerays

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/18/2007
Status: offline

This happened to me about seven years ago. Not only did I lose my desire to submit, I also lost my sex drive.

To help both myself and my Master (now former) I sought the help of a wonderful sex therapist. Through his help I figured out I was being mentally abused by my Master. As most of you know abuse can be a fine line in this life. I was (and still am) a very confident woman and always said I would immediately leave a guy if he abused me. This was so subtle that I never saw it. Once I figured this all out I broke things off with my Master...well, after 4 attempts.

The great thing was my sex drive came back right away. However being able to trust a Dom took a few years and I still struggle at times.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 9:22:09 AM

sakidorei

Posts: 65
Status: offline

i think it depends upon the circumstances ... was there a broken trust or a lack of interest or did He push you to a place that you didn't like and you didn't -feel- submissive in that act? With each of the things i listed, there would be a different sort of response.

A broken trust is just that and it takes time to heal ... IF both parties understand that a trust has been broken and work with it. Of course, i don't feel submission when a trust is broken ... i feel guarded and hurt and distant.

i had a former Master who over time ceased to make a demand on my submission that i craved ... i served Him out of loyalty however there was not a drive and not a well, ... push for lack of a better word in our interaction. i think after you've been with a Master or Dom or partner for a long time and it's power exchange based ... there are times when it can slowly become 'nilla or lose it's edge. Familiarity sets in and at times you end up more like a boyfriend/girlfriend with some kink rather than a dynamic power exchange couple. i believe that there are times when a Master must manufacture for lack of a better word ... circumstances that place a demand on my submission in order for us both to enjoy that exchange.

What i mean is ... after getting to know His preferences and wants and needs ... say a few years of being together ... if He does not continue to invest time and attention into tapping into my need to be pushed or challenged in my submission ... we can both become complacent. Things just move along ... comfortable ... loving ... but they lack the edge that we experience in a power exchange relationship that is vital and alive. It gets ... easy ... if we both aren't careful. When i cease to feel that drive or the challenge to draw me deeper or push me harder in my submission ... things become ... boring ... stagnant. Then i guess i would cease to feel that i am in a strong place of submission but rather simply in a relationship in which i serve and love.

There are times though that my Master may demand something that i don't like ... that i don't -feel- like doing. In that case ... i don't -feel- submissive at all. i don't want to do what He says ... i want my own way. Eventually we all come to that point of our will being the one that wants it's way ... regardless of the reasons why. In those cases, i choose obedience and submission even if i don't -feel- them. Those are the times when of course, i wrestle the most.

i have a choice before me ... submit regardless of my feelings or disobey and serve myself. It's easy to submit when it's something i want to do ... i feel it and love it and everything is warm and fuzzy. It's when His will runs smack up into my will and i don't want to do it and don't -feel- like submitting at all ... that my submission is most important. And then ... i can't be ruled by my feelings but by my committment to Him and the choice that i must make.

~saki
Property of Master D.

(in reply to sunshinerays)

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 9:28:18 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

Has that ever happened to you?
What destroyed your feelings to your Dom?
and What did you do with it?

Yes. It did not happen during our relationship though; it happened after he passed away and has hung on tenaciously. I still have no desire to ever be in that position again though I think for me it's just a case of not meeting the right people and not caring to put the effort into doing so. I am happy to coast along the way I am.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 9:35:48 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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Yes, I lost it totally towards the end of my last relationship. That was because he was emotionally and physically abusive (non-consensual after I said no to certain things that were too dangerous). He lied, cheated, betrayed, used his being "Dominant" as an excuse to be a complete asshole and basically did not fulfill any of my emotional needs.

So, yeah, I did not feel very submissive and broke up with him. Now, I doubt I will feel very submissive to anyone unless they can break through my trust issues. And that is too damn bad since I am and have always been, submissive at heart, but since my heart is broken, I have to protect it and you cannot submit something that is broken.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 10:17:41 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
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It's not enough to be Dominant or submissive; you must also be attractive. And stay attractive. Physically, mentally, emotionally healthy. Of course, physical and emotional health is measured in different ways... I measure it by being able to suffer and still stand tall. By having style. And by being as adaptable and aware of your surroundings as humanly possible. And the collection of thousands of little details that scream 'submissive' to me, that's sexy to me, and if it's attached to a healthy looking and fvckable body, then I'm attracted. But it all depends on context--not just theirs, but yours. You have more options, you might not feel it's worth the time to find the attractive qualities that someone actually has; you may simply become trapped in your own past concepts or social and cultural training.

Meh. If a girl gains 50 pounds and smells like week old laundry all the time, I'm gone. Shallow? Some would say. But the converse male sexuality--social proof, dynamism, professional skill, ability to generate positive emotions--if that goes missing, then he can Dom you all he wants and it just won't get your pussy wet. And guess what? Poof! you're gone. Is that shallow? About as much, because the reasons are just as transitory. This Dom that you lost your submissiveness to, if he worked on his own damned self for a while--then you wouldn't know what hit you. But, eh. It's hard to see the picture from inside the frame.

Also, you can get so close that the traits that attracted you become invisible... a little distance will respark that attraction. I personally believe that's why men have the instinct to tell you to fvck off so we can hide in our caves for a while. But I bought my psychology degree from the internet for $5.00, so you can take this for what it's worth.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 3:01:54 PM

Sirsinini

Posts: 172
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

Has that ever happened to you?
What destroyed your feelings to your Dom?
and What did you do with it?

First of all.... I DONOT seperate being submissive from being myself. So feeling submissvie is OUT of the question.

Trust, doubt and respect takes time in a relationship and if any is broken/destroyed .... its time to leave the relationship.

That is the underlying principle between myself and Sir.

Sir's devoted property

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 3:53:15 PM

lilsubl

Posts: 4595
Joined: 2/6/2006
Status: offline

yes, it did happen to me & after he released me, i went through a hellish time thinking that it had been my not being a good slave that had destroyed the relationship...i had started to catch him in lies & when i would confront him with these he would tell another "story" to cover the first...finally, he pushed me & i reacted & he released me, which he later said that he regretted doing...turns out that was the biggest lie of all...i lost my feelings of total submission to him when he lost the desire to dominate...it has been said that there are no bad slaves, only bad masters...i finally talked with him about what happened & he told me that i was a very good slave & that he had been a bad master by not telling me the truth from the beginning of his changing...i still am a submissive & will be a slave again...that didn't change....just my desire to submit to him changed.......

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it's no fun unless you're scared

if you can't be brave, be determined & you'll get to the same place

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 3:54:18 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Submission and dominance are always in flux. I sure didn't feel submissive nor he very dominant last year when I spent two weeks with the flu immediately followed by a botched root canal.

Checking to see if I'm following the rules doesn't interest him while preparing his tax statement. As I have been known to comment, the average person spends 37 hours doing their taxes, considering he's also doing the business taxes, he shouldn't save it all till April 1st.

It's something that feeds off each other. If he stops being dominant, my feelings tamp down. If I'm feeling especially needy, twining around him and touching him constantly his feelings ramp up. It's a dance.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 6:30:02 PM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

Has that ever happened to you?
What destroyed your feelings to your Dom?
and What did you do with it?

This is a complicated question. I have had it become harder, or more painful to submit to someone when there was damage to trust, but I haven't experienced that longing or desire vaporising. However, I have been in a situation where I knew that the path I was on wasn't going to lead to happiness for either party. I have experienced realizing that I had to stop submitting to someone, even if I wanted to submit to them, even if it felt natural to submit to them, because it wasn't a wise and logical choice. Accepting that having a joined path wouldn't lead to mutual happiness and growth, is not a fun experience. I would recomend avoiding it, but sadly sometimes it is part of life.

I think it might be easier and less complicated if the dynamic vaporised. If someone has a magic receipe for that, pass it over, I'll brew it up. After the split, I struggled with a lot of inner turmoil and fear about my ability to control myself and situations around my ex. I had a lot of fears about cruelty, or vengance, and that has faded as time has passed. I feared that I would still respond to command, and that it could lead to emotional pain if used in a cruel or inappropriate way. Luckily the man in question is a good human being at core, and after some breif communication nastiness initially, he has been kind and let me move on. He hasn't abused my native instincts, and he probably could have. I am thankful for that, and I wish I knew when and if that dynamic will vaporise between us. Perhaps it already has for him, but I think I'll continue keeping my distance anyway, the distance helps.

I suppose I'm not really answering your question. I'm answering, what do you do when it doesn't stop and you need to move on anyway. Distance is good, time, space. I blocked myself from reading his lj and things like that, masked his replies to mutual friends in their blogs so I can't see them or read them. I don't call. I don't email. At public events, I keep some space but I am also polite. Time, I think, is your friend as both people move forward, hopefully into better spaces within their lives and within their relationships.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/18/2007 7:03:53 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Yes, I lost it totally towards the end of my last relationship. That was because he was emotionally and physically abusive (non-consensual after I said no to certain things that were too dangerous). He lied, cheated, betrayed, used his being "Dominant" as an excuse to be a complete asshole and basically did not fulfill any of my emotional needs.

So, yeah, I did not feel very submissive and broke up with him. Now, I doubt I will feel very submissive to anyone unless they can break through my trust issues. And that is too damn bad since I am and have always been, submissive at heart, but since my heart is broken, I have to protect it and you cannot submit something that is broken.

When we parted a few months ago I truly found out what a broken heart was. My heart literally broke in my chest. It was a physical thing. I would feel my heart flip flop in my chest because it hurt so very much that we were no longer a couple... and it impacted my submissiveness in ways that I have not fully come to terms with even though we are back on track. I understand how you feel, truly I do.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/19/2007 4:43:55 AM

trusting

Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline

i was madly in love with my Dom and totally respected Him, until i found out He was doing drugs behind my back... it more than crushed me. i no longer respected Him and at that point there was nothing left of our relationship, we ended it.

i am still getting over it, months later!

< Message edited by trusting -- 11/19/2007 4:45:16 AM >

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/19/2007 9:43:33 AM

enchainee

Posts: 15
Status: offline

I am finding that an artificial structure - "D/s" role play imposed over life - to be stifling - if individuality is lost.

A sheep in black leather is a sheep after all.

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RE: When you can't feel the submission anymore - 11/19/2007 9:51:42 AM

enchainee

Posts: 15
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Yes, I lost it totally towards the end of my last relationship. That was because he was emotionally and physically abusive (non-consensual after I said no to certain things that were too dangerous). He lied, cheated, betrayed, used his being "Dominant" as an excuse to be a complete asshole and basically did not fulfill any of my emotional needs.

So, yeah, I did not feel very submissive and broke up with him. Now, I doubt I will feel very submissive to anyone unless they can break through my trust issues. And that is too damn bad since I am and have always been, submissive at heart, but since my heart is broken, I have to protect it and you cannot submit something that is broken.

When we parted a few months ago I truly found out what a broken heart was. My heart literally broke in my chest. It was a physical thing. I would feel my heart flip flop in my chest because it hurt so very much that we were no longer a couple... and it impacted my submissiveness in ways that I have not fully come to terms with even though we are back on track. I understand how you feel, truly I do.