sarbonn
Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
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ORIGINAL: sarbonn
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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
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ORIGINAL: sarbonn
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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
A couple of things. First, don't take this the wrong way, I'm just being honest -- I've seen your posts for years, and most of them are downers.
That's the problem of having been a part of the scene for years. I'm definitely not the same person I was those years ago, and obviously first impressions tend to linger with some people more than others. I'm actually quite upbeat about quite a few things these days. Unfortunately, some people tend to hold you to ancient perceptions. That's okay. It's not like I'm losing some popularity contest or something. It's all good.
I am talking more specifically even about the posts here on collarme -- I can't recall many that were upbeat, optimistic, cheerful. Most have been complaining about how you have given up (how many times have you typed the words "given up"). I don't recall ever reading a message from you that had an overall "positive" slant to it. I am not talking about anything from years ago.
Go take a quick read of your past posts here. Or just do a search for "given up" or "gave up" and you might be surprised.
Akasha
Sounds like it's taken out of context, even if it may have been me taking me out of context. I've never "given up." I left the scene. I left the scene because I moved to a much more conservative area of the country and started to realize that I was probably not going to find what I was looking for in this neck of the woods. I kept believing I was going to be moving back to San Francisco after I finished my Ph.D., but after my school work was over, I ended up getting a lucrative offer in this same neck of the woods, so I realized that I'd probably be stuck in this area for a very long time.
But it's not really giving up. It's frustration. I mean, honestly, what do you expect someone to do? Be upbeat about not having been in a bdsm relationship for the last seven or eight years? Sure, it's my fault. I know that. But I also tend to put forth a lot of humor that has a tendency to use me as the victim rather than other people. As such, I've grown used to making myself the target of much of this humorous ridicule, even to the point that it sometimes comes out in regular speech. Sure, I know that's not attractive, but when you've been used to either dating vanilla only or spending your evening with your legos and stuffed animals, well it can sometimes come off that way.
I also write things as I see them. Unlike a lot of people who try to pretend to be something they're not, I'm brutally honest. When guys with one purpose in mind have completely worn down the femdoms on boards to the point where NO MAN is trusted as being sincere, it's pretty hard to be upbeat about that. We have a lot of things in our midst that serves to derail the process for a lot of people attempting to find the appropriate partners. It's unfortunate, but it happens a lot. Ignoring it or glossing over it doesn't make it any better.
I used to maintain a web site to help other submissives find their way. That web site was accessed by a woman claiming to be in the scene who then used it to try to get me fired from my teaching job. Sorry, but it was hard to keep a happy face during that drama.
I also think you have a VERY selective memory of anything I've written, and that's filtered through a lens I've ascertained is not very rosy.
As for giving up
from 8/04
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I've mentioned this before but the HNGs have made it so difficult for the sincere ones of us in the community that a lot of us have pretty much just given up trying to connect with anyone. I've had people push me away because of pre-screening that is designed to get rid of lots of people where quite often I don't even get a chance to be taken seriously or even in a serious context. When it happens enough times, you start to realize that the insincere ones have made it practically impossible for the rest of us to manage successfully, so that doing nothing is often more beneficial than wasting time.
from 7/05
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I'd probably be very comfortable with a woman who was of the take-charge nature if that taking charge brought her pleasure as part of the relationship. I don't need the fetishy things to make it work for me. Those were all great when I was exploring this lifestyle for the first time, but while I think such things are great, they wouldn't be necessary for me at all.
I've pretty much given up for now. While I wouldn't turn away the right woman if she came along, I've stopped looking. I run into too many toxic people, and I've started to believe that something I'm doing is attracting them.
It sounds like me that you have given up for the most part.
As for poking fun at yourself as a way of being humorous, it's self deprecation -- but isn't it also narcissistic? Generally people self deprecate when they want others to stand up for them and say "oh no, that's not true, you are really wonderful!" Making yourself the target of ridicule is still *making yourself the target*. The first thing femdoms (or any people seeking relationships) don't want to see is "it's all about ME!" It's not all about you -- if you want to attract a partner you should be writing about what you have to offer, how you can enrich, and how you can add joy and pleaure by the nature of your company.
I'm just saying -- that kind of self deprecation is just a downer. Is that the kind of person you want to go to an amusement park with or have hour long phone calls?
Akasha
Yes, you have taken this out of context by highlighting the words you want to say what you are trying to interpret. "Giving up" can mean several things. You're taking it in both of these instances as "Giving up": I am ending my search and becoming a Tibetan monk. The definition of these giving up statements are "Giving up": So many obstacles have been thrown into the mix these days that I may never actually succeed in finding someone no matter how hard I try. I'm still looking, but damn I sure can't believe how much extra baggage exists in the search process these days. Therefore, I am practically giving up on my chances, not on my search."
By the way, people hang out with me all the time and I'm the life of the party. I'm a very funny, intellectual person IN PERSON. Self deprecation done by people who don't know how to do it is depressing. Self deprecation done by someone with a sense of humor comes off as hilarious and very easy to hang out with. People hang out with me because I actually make them feel better being around me. That rarely translates well on the Internet, unfortunately. Even that last sentence probably sounds negative because it was written rather than said.
Poking fun at myself is not narcisstic. It sounds like the pool of people who do this around you are very limited and you're perceiving everyone must be negative or self-absorbed to be this way. It just means your pool is limited in this area because my attitude in conversation is quite engaging to the point of encompassing a friendly atmosphere that is quite attractive in most settings. A very long time ago, my humor used to be projected out at people (insultive) and after I completely devastated some guy just incorporating humor and intelligence against what was obviously an unarmed opponent, I felt almost dirty afterwards. From that day on (decades ago), I vowed to change my sense of humor, and I did. I'm actually a very, very funny person, but if there's EVER a victim of my humor, it's me, and it's rarely done in a negative fashion but in a "hey, life is kind of strange" kind of way. Again, that type of attitude is hard to put forth on a message board because this is an atmosphere where people feel the need to rely on emoticons to verify their sense of humor.
But no, I haven't given up. If I had "given up", I'd have closed any bdsm account I've had and joined a church. Yeah, the scene is frustrating these days from a male submissive perspective, but rather than say that over and over again, I've at least tried to get to the heart of what causes the complexity, which means I somewhat expect everyone else to already recognize the issues at stake and then try to explain what I believe is going on. Women HAVE become much more selective online. THAT does not mean I am ridiculing women when I say that (as you seemed to take offense to in another thread). What that means is that because the guys trying to gain a woman's attention have become more opportunistic and dishonest in their approaches, it has made it more difficult for anyone who is really trying to find someone based on honesty, sincerity and integrity. Instead, when I mention this, I'll have someone attack me because I'm somehow "against women" or blaming women. People don't often read deep enough into anything these days, as if people are only capable of surface reading these days.
As for that 7/05 post, that, too, is somewhat taken out of context because that was in direct response to a woman who had contacted me and started up a telephone relationship, stating she was something COMPLETELY different than she actually turned out to be. She was racist, hated practically every other woman on the planet (and made constant references to how fat women were disgusting and that that's why I was so fortunate because she was so much more attractive than the slugs that inhabit Collarme). She then started calling me when she was drunk and kept trying to pick fights with me. I wrote that post RIGHT after that. Sorry if a toxic person brought me to an unhappy place. Someone turned around and said I was stupid for not trying to make it work because I should have just been fortunate to have a beautiful woman interested in me. That's the kind of thing that makes it really hard to be upbeat sometimes. That doesn't mean that a gut response of one day dictates your attitude over the other 6 days of the week.
_____________________________
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.
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