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new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 10:25:18 AM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		O.k. well fairly new to the lifestyle and to poly relationships... i really like my Dom alot and was just introduced to his other sub.  He has been with her for 8 months and me for 2, she lives farther away.  I get to be with our Dom every weekend and she gets to be with him about once a month. 

i am trying very hard to deal with the situation.  i want to learn to deal with it.  i have horrible jealousy issues and think this would be a great learning experience if i can get past it.

The first time my Dom went off to visit his other sub i had a really hard time, and ended up asking to be released for about 2 weeks, but then begged to come back, which he gladly accepted me back.  There was the understanding that i would try to deal with my issues more, and i really want to.

my question is this: is there any advice on how to settle the jealousy in my head and or get over it? If you had this issue in the beginning were you able to get over it?  My biggest problem is that i really care for my Dom that seems to make it a bit harder, if i didn't care about him then i wouldn't care who he was with...

Thanks in advanced to any advice you may have :)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 10:38:59 AM   
MistressPav


Posts: 350
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		Find another to occupy YOUR time while he is away.  It will keep your mind off of him when you can't have him. 
Unless of course, he won't let you, but then you did say you were in a poly situation, right?  I would hope he'd allow something like that to help you ease into the situation.
Just my thoughts.


_____________________________

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 11:45:10 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ask yourself honestly why you chose to be with a man who would regularly and directly bring forth these issues for you to deal with?

How is he helping you get through them?  Do you honestly feel polyamory will work for you?  What's the longest poly relationship he has maintained before, if any, and why did they end?

And remember that even if you two are not directly involved with eachother, instability in your relationship WILL affect theirs and vice versa.  Try and have respect for that.



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 12:02:03 PM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		Are you jealous of his time, his energy, his affection? I can tell that you want to resolve this issue and the more you understand about why you are feeling jealous, the easier it will be to get over it, so please spend some time discovering what is bothering you.

Sometimes people are jealous because they are afraid that someone else will be better at what they do.  In that case, you might do well to remember that he already had the other sub and chose to have you as well.  Clearly each of you gives something special that he is looking for.  I know my various partners each have something unique and beautiful that makse me enjoy my time with them. 

Sometimes, it is not really jealousy at all, but more of a sadness that someone else gets to see your partner and you don't at that moment.  In that case, I would think you could think of a few things that might help.  One, you get to see him more often, so you could try to develop empathy for his other sub.  Maybe she is feeling jealous that you get to see him more often. Think of all the time you do get to spend with him and maybe one weekend won't seem like as much of a sadness or a sacrifice.  Try to plan something fun to do while he is away.  Long before I was poly, but when I was still newly in love with my now husband, I had a hard time letting him go off a couple nights a week with his friends.  I missed him so much and knew he was having fun without me, so I felt left out.  After I started planning to hang out with my friends on those nights, I felt much better.  I also ultimately, realized that it was my gift to him.  If I was upset when he went out, he would invariable feel sorry for me or a twinge of guilt that did not let him fully enjoy his fun evening.You could try looking at it as part of your submission.  If he is feeling worried about you or guilty for leaving you, due to your distress, you are not contributing to his happiness.  Basically as a sub, I feel like my primary duty is to make my Master's life more pleasant and comfortable.  If that means giving him time to do something that isn't with me, then I need to submit to his desire to do that thing.  If that means doing chores, I do those.  If that means spending quality time together, we do that.  Basically it could mean anything, as long as it contributes to his well-being.  Perhaps if you considered sending him off to enjoy time with his other sub simply one of your duties as his sub, it might help.

These are just a few thoughts that might help.  Good luck finding what works for you.

(in reply to MistressPav)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 3:51:05 PM   
lilonee


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		your simply a cumdrop like a public toilet once really understanding it jeaousy evaporates if not able to visualize what you are i suggest to leave M/s for a more vanallia situation now not to be mean but it took me years to understand what i am expecting rights as many ummmmmmmm 'normal' ladies/girls recieve waaas just wrong he reminded me that i'm a vile nasty cumbag that i dont deserve jealousy
\

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 3:57:15 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 6170
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilonee

your simply a cumdrop like a public toilet once really understanding it jeaousy evaporates if not able to visualize what you are i suggest to leave M/s for a more vanallia situation now not to be mean but it took me years to understand what i am expecting rights as many ummmmmmmm 'normal' ladies/girls recieve waaas just wrong he reminded me that i'm a vile nasty cumbag that i dont deserve jealousy
\


WTF?

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 5:05:57 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4212
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Los Angeles, CA
Status: offline 		Something that I find all to common in many types of relationships is the approach of "I like him but....."

If the relationship wasn't D/s oriented, would you still have wnated to be involved with him?  I know that's a bit like saying "would you want the green M&M if it was actually orange?" but I think people seem a little too eager to throw out their own common sense when they're trying an 'alternative' relationship.

Jealosy's a bitch, though, no question.  If he was visiting his buddies, instead of her, then I'd say it's something that you could do some work on.  I've found it helps to think of it in just that way; if my girl was out laughing and giggling and having a great time with a female friend, I would be just as pleased as if she's getting her brains fucked out.  For me, it's because I know that when she's home, I also fuck her brains out.  Her enjoyment of someone else doesn't mean I'm lacking in any way.  When you realize that your man enjoys you for you, and isn't using another woman as a replacement to make up for your shortcomings, you might find the jealousy a thousand times easier to manage.

Regards,

Stephan


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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 9:18:18 PM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		i do know alot of my issues are my own personal short comings, am i good enough and all that crap.  i am working on this aspect of myself also. 

i did do alot of thinking today and have realized what i am mostly jealous of is that someone else is having fun with him.  i did put myself in his other sub's place and have alot of empathy for her.  i feel it is selfish of me... this is part of my submission to him.  i do want him to be able to go out and be happy. Sadly enough i get jealous when he goes out with his friends also... that is why i feel it is something i need to work on.

if this was a vanilla relationship, i don't know that poly would even be an issue... but yes i would still want to be with him if there was no BDSM D/s involved.

i think i made a bit of a break through today taking some time out to really figure out what it was that i was jealous of.. and it really is just the idea that he is having fun with out me... that i am going to be left out. 

i do look forward to the day i get to meet his other sub, we were able to talk for a breif time and i felt an instant connection... so i am pretty hopful... for all 3 of us... just have to get past this jealousy stuff...

thanks you guys for listening and taking the time to respond :)

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/10/2007 9:24:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Just remember that it's perfectly normal to want him and enjoy him being happy with someone else AND to want him to be with you and only you at the same time.  We are that complex and fucked up.

The issue is dealing with those wants and feelings appropriately.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/11/2007 1:27:57 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Oh I deal with this.   The first thing is being OK with myself feeling like this from time to time.  Not trying to be otherwise.  Just being OK with being me.  And him being OK with me being me and that me being a human.  I have worked through the enough stuff.   Cause what I can work through in my head can actually get internalized and lead to different feelings.  So his having others, before and after he met me, isn't at all about me.  It is about him.  Who he is.  Either I'm Ok with that or I am not,.  If I'm not then I need to step. 

He has a need to be poly.  I don't.  We're different in that way.  So one of the things I do is I try not to see his actions through my own lens.  If I were the one with many loves, it might well be about none of the being "enough".  but that is my lens.  His is different.  So I try hard to see things from his perspective, to understand him.  And that is helpful for me.

In this way I have worked through the am I enough" stuff, whatever that really means.  That leaves me with the "I just want be the one he's enjoying right now".    And that one I can sometimes work through by focusing on his enjoyment.  I like it when he does what he wants, I like the enjoyment he gets out of a responsive woman.  And I want to be good with him sharing that with me. 

The jealousy was in the first months of our relationship.  We are now at end of year 3.  Some of it I worked through.  Some of it we worked through and made adjustments.  And some of it I eroticized.  Cause that always makes things better for me.


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Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/11/2007 7:57:37 AM   
MistressMarielle


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2004
Status: offline 		Jealousy is as a result of mistrust.  Trust is not a "gift" that one gets it is an 'ability' that is chosen and exercised. If you choose not to be one who 'exercises' trust you will always be jealous. This will eventually erode all of your close relationships and it is unlikely that you will ever be able to have a peaceful, contented, or long term relationship.  YOU CHOOSE. YES, it harrrrd to develop the ability to trust, as you must know who you are and 'realize' your own worth.  Those are the foundational truths. I wish you well darlin'
 
Mistress Marielle

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/11/2007 5:06:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think jealousy means there is a lack of trust, I think it just means there is the presence of insecurity. 

I'm jealous when my partner goes to a great party and I'm at home- but I'm ALSO happy and thrilled for him and know that my jealousy is an absolutely unimportant artifact remaining from my own past days of problems.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/11/2007 11:36:03 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20683
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline 		I agree, LA.

There are times that We still deal with jealousy in Our household. We moved into a new phase lately.  That being that I collared My boy last month.  That is a deeper commitment level than My husband is used to.  As W/we go further and further into new territory, some of it is,...... well...... new.  Sometimes the jealousy shows up just because it's strange territory for him.  Sometimes, it's his own insecurities.  Sometimes, it's because the sky is blue.

It's not a lack of trust issue.  In O/our case, it's that feeling out period to being a poly family and everyone being secure of their own place within it.  These feelings are valid, for whatever reason.  As the Head of Household, it's My responsibility to see to the general health and well being to those I'm involved with.  I take that seriously.  If I want My poly family to work, I have to put the effort into it.  That includes dealing with jealousy.


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He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."


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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/11/2007 11:49:26 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10836
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Sometimes I think people forget that jealousy can be good.  It's a human emotion like any other.  The jealousy tells you it's real.  It tells you that you're alive.  Sure, it hurts.  But life without pain is not life.

BDSM involves some of the most intense emotions that people can feel, and poly does too.  Combining the two is necessarily going to fuck with your head a little bit.  Of course you have to learn how to control jealous impulses, but I think it's important to remember that life would be less rich without them.

(in reply to justnewsub)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/12/2007 9:56:06 AM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		i have to admit, that yes even tho i am dealing with the jealouy thing i feel i am doing better this time around then last time. 

my Dom has been wonderful in talking with me and helping me sort out my feeling.  i do have personal insecurities and i am dealing with those too.  i think the jealousy is stemming from the idea that i am being left out.  i feel like my weekends with my Dom are our special time together, he works too much during the week for us to have time together then... so now that he will be gone this weekend i feel like i'm missing out on my personal time with him.... on the flip side... his other sub doesn't hardly get any personal time with him.. so i am trying to share... i am also trying to be more empathetic to his other sub and her loss of time with him... that kinda helps me get over myself.

Darn these human emotions... they can sure make things difficult sometimes ;)

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/12/2007 2:57:21 PM   
MisterP61


Posts: 556
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Jealousy is a real BITCH!!!!  I know for a fact.  I am recently just getting into polyamory, and yes, I do get jealous of the time that My Wife spends with Her boy.  Some of it is that I feel a bit insecure and that I am replaceable (Pasts are also a BITCH, since it is what W/we tend to base the present and future on).  Now I must say that I am more often then not alright with the time She and he spend together, however; there are certain things that I hold dear and want to be in place.  he is to never sit in between Us, Our marriage comes first, and I do not mind him being at Her side, but he will not come between Us.  Another thing is that I currently do not own a sub.  This is the major cause of My jealousy, and though I have the intelligence to recognize it, it does not prevent Me from feeling the feelings.  Has it caused issues?.... Hell yes.... are they unresolvable issues?.... absolutely not.... do I learn from them as well as My Wife and Her boy?.... yes.  It is a process and it takes time.  It is OK to be jealous.... it is how you deal with it that is important.  If it is made into a wedge, it will remain a wedge, unless it gets taken care of early.  This can be a great tool for all three of Y/you to bond over or it can wreak havoc in everyones lives until A/all three are miserable, and I do not for a second believe that is anyones goal here.  I am glad to see that you are working through this in a positive manner.... seeking advice, just remember not all advice works for everyone, so choose what does work and leave the rest.  Good luck to you and Yours.

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/12/2007 3:21:13 PM   
bostoy


Posts: 18
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Just remember that it's perfectly normal to want him and enjoy him being happy with someone else AND to want him to be with you and only you at the same time.  We are that complex and fucked up.

The issue is dealing with those wants and feelings appropriately.


How do you deal with those wants and feelings?  I have been in this poly relationship for a little over three months.  I was the first sub and he brought her in.  I really, really, like her. We are in a V relationship.  She and I don't play but we both serve him.

This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.  I love him, but love shouldn't hurt so much.  She was on vacation last week and I had NO issues at all.  And then she gets back and today he went over to her house and I freaked out.  I'm jealous.  I love my sister, yet I hate that she spends time with him.  Yes, I get time with him, but I would rather him not spend time with her alone.  Yep, selfish and infantile, but they are my feelings and I just can't seem to get past them.

I live to serve my Dom.  I love him and want him happy.  However, I don't think I can continue to do this. On one hand I want to ask to be released, and on the ohter I can't imagine my life without him. 

One of the questions you told the op to ask was if the lifestyle was not in the relationship would I want to be with him and the answer is absolutely yes.  but if it weren't in the lifestyle, I would not be in a poly relationship and these issues would not be problematic.

Please, I need advice, help, opinions, whatever you wnat to say to me.  I'm beating myself up about this and need to stop. And yes, he and I have talked this to death...he knows my feelings and I know his. 

toy

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/13/2007 12:39:09 AM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		i totally understand how you feel, you and i are in the same boat i think.... so i'll scoot over and share my bench with you and hopfully this ride is not too bumy and we don't sink ;)

hang in there, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger....uumm.... this too shall pass..... um.... all's fair in love and war.....

just know you aren't alone and now i know i am not either :)


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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/14/2007 12:00:25 AM   
MasterIceStorm


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressPav

Find another to occupy YOUR time while he is away.  It will keep your mind off of him when you can't have him. 
Unless of course, he won't let you, but then you did say you were in a poly situation, right?  I would hope he'd allow something like that to help you ease into the situation.
Just my thoughts.



Now I might be mistaken On this. But Poly Has to do with respect and love. Not just someone to occupy your time.  From what you've said in this  You are in a V status relationship with him being the point and you two submissives being on the ends. You need to ask yourself if this is the lifestyle you want to live. You can be a submissive without being in a poly relationship. That is what makes you a submissive, you have a choice. Anyone who tells you different is full of it and needs to be kicked off the website. As far as a V style relationship that is hard enough on its own. With his other having a distance just causes more drama and more issues.  My advice to you is to take a step back. Look deep into it. Pull out the D/s. As others have said, Would you stay with him for other reasons? How do you truely feel about him being with another? Again as I said you are a submissive, bring this up to him in a polite yet firm manner. Do not let your "submissive" side kick your commen sense in the teeth.

Take Care of yourself.

P.s Your "Dom,Top,Master," ect will take care of all parts of you. As a true Dom to me would take care of his own.

(in reply to MistressPav)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 12/14/2007 9:20:11 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bostoy
How do you deal with those wants and feelings? 

I become consiouc and aware of them as they occur (which you seem to have a handle on) and then I laugh at myself over them, and then I go do something else.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to bostoy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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