Is staying unattached better? (Full Version)

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zaynab -> Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 11:26:08 AM)

For all you subs out there.....
if your Master allows you to talk with and become friends with another Dom/Master, and you become attached to that person.... if that privelege is revoked for some reason.... obviously you will be sad about that....

so, what do you do about all this? just not become close friends with another Dom/Master? or what?

I absolutely LOVE my Master, but I do get attached quite easily.... should I just never have any male friends?



cellogrrlMK -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 11:28:22 AM)

zaynab, I have many male friends... friends, nothing more than that. My Master is comfortable enough in my devotion to him to know that it won't go any farther than that. [:)]

cello



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 12:09:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: zaynab

For all you subs out there.....
if your Master allows you to talk with and become friends with another Dom/Master, and you become attached to that person.... if that privelege is revoked for some reason.... obviously you will be sad about that....

so, what do you do about all this? just not become close friends with another Dom/Master? or what?

I absolutely LOVE my Master, but I do get attached quite easily.... should I just never have any male friends?

Well, what's the reason for the revocation? That's the biggest missing piece here.

If this reason is going to be universal, then obviously not getting attached is the answer.

If this reason had to do with this particular situation, then obviously that won't apply in all situations.

It sounds a bit like a 16 year old who just got her first heart break and swears "I'm never going to love again cuz it hurts too much!"



plantlady64 -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 12:13:55 PM)

Hello There,
I also am permitted by my loving Master to have other Dom friends. I also could not play with someone I didn't like and respect enough to be friends with.
If my Master revoked my association with one of my other friends I would respect He had his reasons, but I would also be sad.
The thing I'd like to point out is any and all of my Dom friends are told from the beginning I am owned by my Master (gunship in here) and He decides who I can play with and has full veto power over any of my other friends. They also have to play with me in open play in our public dungeon in front of Him the first time we play. This way my Master gets to see all of my friends, meet them face to face and decide if He thinks I'll be safe with them or not.
I actually think there is a very different closeness between my relationship with my Master and the ones I develop with my other friends. Knowing I'm owned by one who holds my heart, the fact I don't see others but maybe twice a month, and the fact I don't have the desire to become a major person in a Dom's life keeps them a little distant to begin with. So yes, I'd miss them, but my emotional heartfelt feelings don't progress to the point I'd be too hurt if I couldn't see them any more. Even if my Master didn't let me play with another person ever I'd still be in my mind one of the most lucky people in the world as I have a wonderful Master already.
The other Doms are just icing on a already extremely sweet cake. I can live without icing if my Msater wants that.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne



doubleLeo -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 1:42:47 PM)

sex is just one aspect of any relationship. It doesnt have to get physical to get serious..emotional closeness is just as initmate as a sexual one. If the bonds between slave and master are being effected by an emotional tie to some other, it is defintiely a serious issue to look at.
just a thought,
dL



junecleaver -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 1:47:58 PM)

Why would your master just change his mind like that? It seems like there might be a deeper reason/issue than just commanding you to break off all contact with people on a whim.



DesertRat -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 2:25:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zaynab

For all you subs out there.....
if your Master allows you to talk with and become friends with another Dom/Master, and you become attached to that person.... if that privelege is revoked for some reason.... obviously you will be sad about that....

so, what do you do about all this? just not become close friends with another Dom/Master? or what?

I absolutely LOVE my Master, but I do get attached quite easily.... should I just never have any male friends?


I am not a submissive/slave, but I'll venture an answer anyway. In some cases, avoiding male friendships is probably a very good idea. Someone could get hurt.

Bob



sub4hire -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 2:59:21 PM)

quote:

so, what do you do about all this? just not become close friends with another Dom/Master? or what?

I absolutely LOVE my Master, but I do get attached quite easily.... should I just never have any male friends?


I think it depends upon you. I myself usually am closer to men than women. I've always been in male dominated societies within life. I've chosen the male jobs. My first full time job I was a firefighter/paramdeic. Before that I was working with my father re-building cars.
My passions in life are male oriented. So, yes I believe a person can be friends with a member of the opposite sex.
However many people in life have not mastered that yet. I remember back in some year of high school in psychology class learning that most men cannot handle being friends with a female. Something inside of them just doesn't allow it.
Over the year's that has proven true, and not so true depending on the individual.
I have many male doms as friends. In fact my best friend is a male dom. Outside of my own dom of course.
So, yes it can happen..but the real question is can it happen with you?



sweetpettjenny -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 3:44:35 PM)

If he allows you a male friend...Don't get emotional bonds , try to stay casual friends with them.



ProtagonistLily -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 4:59:51 PM)

Why would I want to become attached to someone else? If you find yourself spending a lot of time wandering the profiles and the chats, perhaps something's wrong with your primary relationship.

I don't mean to sound like a biatch, but if you have that kind of time on your hands, that you can invest emotionally in other people to that extent, perhaps there's a problem between you and your Dom.

Do I have friends? Sure. Do I have male and female friends who are Dominant? Sure. But am I attached to them in such a way that I would question my primary relationship? Hell no.

It's about how close to the edge of the volcano you are willing to tread. Me, I have no interest in those sorts of edges...

Lily



EvO -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 6:02:37 PM)

Tricky situation at best..

But the most important factor in all of this is Trust.

Does he have reason not to trust you? If not, what other reasons may there be for this sudden jealously?

Within a lifestyle relationship, there is no one more important thing than trust. The Dominant needs to trust that you will abide by their teachings and rules. And the submissive needs to trust that the person taking their lives into their hands, if capable and worth of that.

Somewhere in all of this, there is trust issues. Without knowing all of the situation, it's not possible for anyone here to give you a direct answer to your question. Personally I feel if you self reflect, more than likely you will answer you own question on this.



zaynab -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 10:42:54 PM)

Thanks for replying friends.... well, ok, true, there is more to the story and since me testing the waters with my question here hasn't brought forth any sharks to bite me, I'll share some more.....

My Master trusts me 100%, and I am a trustworthy person.... but while making friends with others, I've been allowing some of my alters to have their own friends....

Or to explain it another way, Me (the host) and a few of my alters were the ones cultivating this close friendship. Meanwhile, the majority of my alters were not a part of the relationship at all. They were kinda like just sitting off to the side with no input at all.

My therapist would say, "I told you that it's best to do a daily group meeting with all of the alters and get all of their opinions about what you do or dont do, etc. Then not only will you be operating as a whole and well-balanced person... you will also stop making such chaotic decisions that cause chaos and disorder in your life."

That advice may sound great... but I've found it to be impractical... my therapist also told me "working with alters is like rounding up a bunch of cats"... it's hard enough to get them all together for a group meeting, it's hard to keep them there, to keep them all focused on the point of the meeting and being that they are all extremely different from eachother, its just....... like wrestling a bull by the horns.

So, I allowed myself and a few of my alters to carry on the relationship. It quickly grew from a friendship into only what I can describe as a romance! My Master let me do as I wished for awhile because I was enjoying myself and he thought it may be good for my alters to have relationships also for a change.... but the intensity of that romance was increasing so fast.... my Master had no choice but to end it from continueing.

How sad am I over it? Extremely sad. The alters that were in that relationship with me? One has a "lost feeling" now, and another is actually terrified about the loss of this other Dom. All the other alters dont care at all because they were not engaged in it.

The other Dom involved? I assume is hurting a lot. I sure am. I cannot over-ride my Master's decision to end the relationship though. He is.... afterall.... my Master.

But what now? I dont want to ever do that again to another person. I don't want to hurt people. But I also think that my alters deserve the right to be able to have relationships of their own. I've tried telling them that they are only my alters, but that doesn't work.

Also, if I don't work with them (on letting them have time out) they can make me feel sick, (pressure in my chest, heart pain, tense, bitchey, foggy headed, cant focus, etc.)
as soon as they get some time out, I feel clear headed, sure of myself, peaceful, etc.

*sighhhhhhhh.......... oh, and if they REALLY want out and I just wont let them, they'll just do it sooner or later anyway, and that's scarey as hell, so I'd rather try to work with them.

I know this is complicated for some folks, which is why I gave the very simple version with my original question.... but you were all right, there is so much more to the story as you now know..... bummed out, zay



DesertRat -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/16/2005 10:48:46 PM)

My guess would be that the other Dom is pretty sad. He is partly, if not mostly to blame, though, for allowing things to progress the way they did. He should have reminded you of the limitations you faced. He also should have maintained regular communication with your Master. He didn't do those things?

Bob



zaynab -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/17/2005 12:00:13 AM)

I believe that all parties involved were behaving in a very mature and cooperative manner, the entire time.... I think that the problem with this situation was that the 33 other main alters, who were an integral part of the host (me) should all have been communicating wih both Masters involved.

I suspect that the relationship would have evolved much differently (if at all), if Lorena B (the lesbian feminist), Steve (the puritanical penecostal christian), the group of heterosexual men, old n' creaky (99 year old senior citizen), and all the other alters were a part of it.

I can't help but think of a point that Faramir and junkyard brought up, re: alters....
something about the something of consent. and that a multiple would not be able to do that and so should not be played with by others. (re: bdsm ethics, blah blah)

Well, maybe they were right after all. I don't know. As I said in a previous post I had made.... I was going to give this a try and hoped it would not all end up blowing up in my face."



NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/17/2005 2:19:25 AM)

What's wrong with having male friends? Almost all of mine are of that persuasion. I guess the question is, how attached have you become? Have you done anything that would make your dom suspicious? Unless he's truly devoid of reason, something must have sparked his revocation of privileges. Ask him.



tinkJH -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/17/2005 5:00:01 AM)

I have lots of friends, male and female. Online and Offline. Master is comfortable and trusts me enough to allow me that without restriction. He is secure in our relationship and knows my feelings for him triumph over others.

Naturally, I am a flirt. Its almost instict for me to smile, joke around and giggle and have fun with either sex. But, there is nothing more. I care about each of them, as friends. I have no sexual attraction to them. I have online friends that I often game with and voice chat with, and offline friends I go with out on the weekends for coffee. That doesn't mean, that he won't revoke my privilage to voice chat, game (at all not just with them), or even go out on the weekend.



lovingmaster45 -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/17/2005 5:10:51 AM)

quote:

My therapist would say


Note to self...never get involved with anyone who has a therapist.



Slutsub -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/17/2005 5:51:20 AM)

hi..well my Master allows me the privlige of chatting on here with who ever i like..i am very lucky...i am like you i get attatched to other D.s on here ..but make it clear from the beginning that i am collared.

if they are truely in the lifestyle they will respect your collar and not make advances towards you.....i have done this and made lots of friends on here male and female

.you can have male friends........just remember who is your Master



plantlady64 -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/17/2005 6:16:31 AM)

Hi zaynab,
I'm sure some of your stronger alters have wills of their own and it must be exhausting mentally and physically for you to keep control over your situations at all times. I think if the other Dom realized the main you was collared to a Master, and the one that fell head over heels in love with Him was one of your alters I feel He should have exercised not only caution in His relationship with the alter, but should have tried to break through to the real you and discussed the need to restrain the alters feelings that were growing for Him.
Hang in there sweetie, time heals all wounds. This too will heal and you will be happy and complete again if you keep focused on the fact your Master Loves All Of You, not just one of the many personalities inside.

Sincerely,

sub suzanne



plantlady64 -> RE: Is staying unattached better? (8/17/2005 6:59:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat


I am not a submissive/slave, but I'll venture an answer anyway. In some cases, avoiding male friendships is probably a very good idea. Someone could get hurt.

Bob



Hello There,
I totally disagree with this statement. I am a collared slave to my Master. I am permitted to have an open relationship and other full contact Doms. All of them have had to play with me in front of my Master for his approval for private dates (To be sure I'm safe with them). I do develop close friendships with my bedfellows and they have a special place in my heart. I could not have a relationship on this level with someone I didn't trust, respect and care about. All of the Men I've seen know my Master holds my heart firmly in his hands and that he has full veto power and ultimate control of my actions. This dynamic actually works very well for me. I can be very close to them, care about them, enjoy our special unions, and still keep it in perspective their feelings as it relates to their position in my life.
I think if the lines are clearly drawn and respected multiple partners in an open relationship can be a very enriching thing for those involved.
If I feel the other Doms are getting too dependant on me emotionally I remind them where my loyalties lie & that we are just good friends.
Sincerely,

sub suzanne



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