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"Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 7:13:46 AM

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

My dear slave is planning on moving in with me early next year. These will be some major changes: very small town Kansas to NYC, never lived with anyone before to living with me, living a mostly vanilla life to a mostly D/s one, etc. Major changes all around for both parties.

My question: how can I best help my slave acclimate? beyond the basic ‘moving in together’ advice- I have that covered; really looking for a BDSM-D/s view here. I am looking mostly to hear from subs/slaves who have made similar moves (Masters/Mistresses welcome, but I am really trying to get the sub/slave perspective to compliment my own). What was the biggest shock, major conflicts, things you wish you or the Dom/me could have done differently? I have a mental list of what I THINK these answer will be, but I need to hear others views to make sure….

Horror stories also welcome- those are always fun

Thanks!

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 7:15:45 AM

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

My dear slave is planning on moving in with me early next year. These will be some major changes: very small town Kansas to NYC, never lived with anyone before to living with me, living a mostly vanilla life to a mostly D/s one, etc. Major changes all around for both parties.

My question: how can I best help my slave acclimate? beyond the basic ‘moving in together’ advice- I have that covered; really looking for a BDSM-D/s view here. I am looking mostly to hear from subs/slaves who have made similar moves (Masters/Mistresses welcome, but I am really trying to get the sub/slave perspective to compliment my own). What was the biggest shock, major conflicts, things you wish you or the Dom/me could have done differently? I have a mental list of what I THINK these answer will be, but I need to hear others views to make sure….

Horror stories also welcome- those are always fun
Thanks!

Can I ask you something you first so that I am not going on assumptions?

The two of you HAVE met in real life, right?

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 7:28:22 AM

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

LOL! A VERY fair question...yes...he is comming to NYC for our 4th visit over New Years. We have been 'dating' for 6th months (as of Dec 17th

) and 1st started chatting July 2006 while he was still in Iraq). Our interactions have been both kink and vanilia, I have have dinner at his partent's house out in KS ( I flew out for our birthdays; they were one day apart) and he has met my kink friends and he is known to my vanilia friends (we plan on meeting some of them this next trip out). Even my real estate agent ment him (verdit- he's wonderful! lol) We spend a LOT of time on the phone (1-3 hrs everyday- yes, we know that we won't be talking nearly so much once he moves in), and I have have previously lived with someone (for 12 years). We both have already identified some potential vanilia flash points and our expectations (vanilia and kink) while living togeather, but the D/s points are a tad more foggy.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 7:34:21 AM

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Joined: 2/4/2007
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Tell him to follow the yellow brick road, and to avoid those with no heart,
brain, or courage. And never ever pay attention to a man behind a curtain.

Flying monkeys however are simply part and parcel to big city life.

chia* (the pet)

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You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 7:44:29 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

LOL! A VERY fair question...yes...he is comming to NYC for our 4th visit over New Years. We have been 'dating' for 6th months (as of Dec 17th ) and 1st started chatting July 2006 while he was still in Iraq). Our interactions have been both kink and vanilia, I have have dinner at his partent's house out in KS ( I flew out for our birthdays; they were one day apart) and he has met my kink friends and he is known to my vanilia friends (we plan on meeting some of them this next trip out). Even my real estate agent ment him (verdit- he's wonderful! lol) We spend a LOT of time on the phone (1-3 hrs everyday- yes, we know that we won't be talking nearly so much once he moves in), and I have have previously lived with someone (for 12 years). We both have already identified some potential vanilia flash points and our expectations (vanilia and kink) while living togeather, but the D/s points are a tad more foggy.

LOL thank you.

Umm, you most probably will not like what I am going to say, but, this would be my advice.

Don't move in together right away. Have him get a place, nearby, so that you two can spend as much time together as possible and so that both of you can slowly work towards living together.

Moving in with someone, even if a person has done it before, is hard enough; throwing in D/s makes it twice as hard sometimes.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 7:45:40 AM

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

Tell him to follow the yellow brick road, and to avoid those with no heart,
brain, or courage. And never ever pay attention to a man behind a curtain.

Flying monkeys however are simply part and parcel to big city life.

chia* (the pet)

LOL
Chia, you are simply hilarious.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 7:56:18 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

Tell him to follow the yellow brick road, and to avoid those with no heart,
brain, or courage. And never ever pay attention to a man behind a curtain.

Flying monkeys however are simply part and parcel to big city life.

chia* (the pet)

OMG, I just spit my diet peach snapple out! You crack me up.

(in reply to chiaThePet)

RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 8:13:30 AM

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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As someone in the process of relocating and to another country the answer really depends on the two of you and what type of relationship that you have.

For myself, I thrive on structure and consistency. The last 7 days have been somewhat stressful for me because my routine has been completely thrown off. Driving myself and three cats across the continent and avoiding the winter weather has been a challenge.

Last night he and I talked about some of the things that we did to cope while apart and about some of the routines that were part of our life that I will miss if they are not continued. We also talked about some of the things we will not miss. In many ways we are going to have to build a new routine together and until that structure is in place it will be somewhat stressful for me.

The one thing that has been reinforced over the last few days is making myself focus on the step/task that is right in front of me. It is his job to worry about the big picture and mine to focus on what I am doing and need to accomplish right now. Reinforcing the authority and structure is comforting to me.

I am not sure if that helps you any... structure and ritual are comforting to me, so they will help me with the transition. What about his submission comforts him and then seek to enforce that.

Knight's Kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 8:20:21 AM

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

My personal opinion would be make sure he has his own bedroom. Moving in together is not necessarily easy, and for both of you, having alone time might become very necessary. Especialy in a D/s relationship that neither of you are used to yet on a full time basis, time apart coud be something you will need to process things. If he takes them badly, or they take some getting used to, or if you just do not want t be sleeping next to one another some nights, having a second room available is a godsend. Obviously, not moving straight to living together isnt an option, but I know that even in my vanilla time living with someone else, that second room was what I would have done differently.
Also, at first, you might consider having him journal. Make a written record of how he reacts to things, and what he does and doesnt enjoy. It will make him think about things beyond the immediate setting and you can keep an eye on how he is acclimating to the actions AFTER the scene as well as during.

Just my 2 cents.
DV

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Snarko Ergo Sum
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VampiresLair

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 8:59:26 AM

Posts: 59
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

Does he have a job? If not, when will he be getting one?

I ask this as a sub who lived with her Dom for a short period of time when she could not get a job. It was okay at first but very quickly becomes pretty irritating. I couldn't get a job due to being in another country on a vacation visa, one where I could not get a job unless it was off the books. I quickly got bored and restless and really wanted more to do. It is great to be active and keep yourself active so that you don't have to adjust twice- once when moving there and once when you finally get a job. It sucks having nothing to do all day and leaves a sub very cranky (well, it did for me at least)

Right now I am in the middle of a similar situation with my Dom moving here to NYC. He is not coming until he gets a job and his visa is all in order. It is going to take a bit longer than we had anticipated, but we're doing everything we can to speed the process along and investing a lot of time into it.

My advice would be just to make sure that you have everything in order, that he will not arrive and basically do nothing, and a good map of the NYC subway and lots of use of www.hopstop.com ;) Oh! And lots and lots of communication! Ask how he is doing, what he is having trouble with adjusting to, etc.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 9:24:19 AM

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Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

FR

Have you considered putting the D/s aspect of your relationship on the "very slow" setting for a while? He will probably need time to get acclimated to everything else first, and when that is going well (3 months? 6 months?), introduce the D/s back into it.

Otherwise, it sure sounds like a whole lot of stress to handle all at once.

Cali

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(in reply to OrrisKitten)

RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 9:30:07 AM

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Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline

This is totally off-D/s topic, but

I moved to NYC from a much less different area (a suburb of San Fran) and it took me a good six months to get used to the city. In addition to the basic stuff (and think way more basic--you take so much for granted living here, make sure he knows the difference between express and local--I can't tell you how many times I got confused that the 2/3 doesn't stop at Columbus circle, for example, when I get out of the subway south of 14th street, I point a finger in the direction the train was going so that as I leave the maze I know my directions, even streets go east, odd streets to west, hopstop (but pick "more walking less transfers"), things are more expensive--where are the bargain? I can't spend $3 on a cup of yogurt, crowds, crowds, crowds, don't make me go to Times Square with someone that walks slow--don't make me go to parades--I will get a panic attack, you can't go grocery shopping with a cart because you have to carry the stuff home). And everything is faster here. You need a poker face when you leave the apartment--I had men start to follow me because I smiled, but I grew up smiling at people.

I LOVE it--I won't live anywhere else now, but it took me 6 months until I had to stop thinking about it.

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"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 10:21:12 AM

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Joined: 11/26/2007
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One thing that helped me was that he never referred to it as his apartment. He always referred to it as home. Which made me feel comfortable immediately. We then went grocery shopping and i started cooking and doing a little cleaning and i felt as if i had been there forever. There was no awkwardness or tense moments. i just fit right in and took my proper place. i sat at his feet and massaged him as we watched tv later and when we went to bed i was so happy and satified being in my new home. When it's meant to be. It's meant to be.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 11:40:39 AM

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Joined: 7/18/2007
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Oh! One thing I thought of that I didn't really consider before, and probably more towards the D/s side of things. For me (I know not everyone is like this) when I am with my Dom, I feel the safest I can ever feel. When we do a scene, I am excited, but still know deep down in my core that I am 100% safe, probably even safer than I could be at any time, no matter what kind of compromising situation I may be in. My Dom is my protector.

Ask your sub what his feelings are in terms of safety when he secnes with you. Is it more of a thrilling giant question mark, is it safety, is it completely unknown, is it absolute subspace? Try having a conversation about it. It may just turn out to be that if you do a scene with him after a hard day things may seem a little less stressful. I wouldn't say put it all on hold since it does seem like a large part of your relationship, but maybe take steps and just be aware. If you have scened in the past and he reacted one way and if when he moves here he is different, don't immediately stop, but take note of it and be sure to ask about it. Ask what may be different, ask what he may like or dislike (of course with the idea that he may voice what he wants but it doesn't mean he'll absolutely get what he wants). Having an aspect of BDSM in your life together may be just the thing to help him relax some, a constant that he may not have had otherwise.

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 12:12:50 PM

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

Having lived in NYC for 13 years, I do forget hard the subway can be for those who aren't used toit, having said that, andrew, while in the Army, once decided to go to Tokyo for his 3 week leave about a week before he went and had no major problems (other than this really funny misundertsnding about a very large pat ofbutter he mistook for cheese, but I digress). At least the signs in NYC are (mostly) in English ;)

Trust, scenes, nd BDSM-D/s as they relate now are not an issue. We have an (IMHO) unusally high compatibility level in this area. Vanilia life has been the one with the most growth these past few months, and it has been joy to see that happen and was one of the major reasons why I felt it was time to make the next step; there was just so little more we could learn about each other from how things stand now.

As for a seperate apt...not in NYC,and not at these prices! lol. I own my own apt, and sharing space will not be an issue- that part has already been gone over. His 'upkeep' is relativly low (a crap retail job, if he really HAD to,would cover his own bills-and this is my primary concern for when he moves out) and we are working on an actualy career path once he is setteled in. But these are really not quite the D/s issues I would like to hear more about.

I like the journaling idea (thank you); if he has any major flaw as a submissive it is his difficulty in finding any faults with me. Flatering, but not practical. Journaling might be way for him to work on this.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 12:26:42 PM

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Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
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OMG! I think the biggest hurdle will be making the transition from KS to NYC. I think he might be happier back in Iraq. It would be less dangerous, LMAO.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 12:33:13 PM

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

My dear...NYC is VERY safe...we have one of the lowest murder rates for a major city in the US. 13 years and I was nerv assulted, mugged, rape, etc. Then again- who the hell would want to mess with me; I am far scaier than most any thug ..AND, as an extra bonus, no one will give him a funny look when he wears the bracelet with his slave name like they do in KS.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 12:33:30 PM

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Well most here know my story. I met my Sir online and moved to another state to be with him even though we hadn't ever met face to face. Probably not the best idea, but fortunately it worked for us.

It was a transition to learn to be together. We had both been married to others for many years and the obstacle of learning someone new was challenging. We had to work hard to not bring our past relationships into our new one.

Regarding our D/s. He gave me a temporary collar that I wore the first year. We had a contract that we reevaluated every three months. We talked, and we listened, and we put each other first. We tried lots of stuff from play to daily rituals. What worked we kept and what didn't we tossed out. Be flexible, be respectful, and have fun.

Best of luck to you both.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 2:15:36 PM

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It was quite an journey getting my boy settled here when he moved in. He is away from his family and friends and doesnt drive so he was quite isolated. I didnt even give it a second thought when he 1st moved in and I think we both just thought it will be ok, just like when we were long distance and could meet up on odd weekends everyday a happy , bondagy great day. It took me a month to realise I needed to address the situation. We were getting stressed with each other a bit too often and our D/s time together was going a bit wrong. My best bit of advice is really cool off the bondage for a while. Expecting it to fall into place naturally just makes you disapointed when it doesnt. Its now 6 months since he moved in. We both feel really happy and balanced with everything. We have small daily rituals in place that are very simple. and every friday is my day and we have most of our bondagy fun then. He is always polite and curteous and even as vanilla I have the final say. We tried way too hard to be full on with everything and we just arent ready fot that. We have to learn to live with each other as a couple fisrt and the rest is just falling into place now.
I really would suggest that you work on the living together part first before the D/s bit
I hope it works out for you both.

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RE: "Willing to Relocate" - 12/15/2007 5:56:01 PM

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Like Pita, most here know my story as well. I moved from Kansas to Australia to be with my Husband, but we had already met and spent time together in real life.

my advise would be to take the BDSM part very slowly. I know you both want it and both will probably rush in anyway, but even if he thinks he doesn't he will need some time to just get used to being in a new place and get used to being with you all the time. My transition went really well, when we met face to face it was like he was coming home from a day at work, not meeting for the first time. Our way into married life was seamless as well, but all that said we did take some time off from the BDSM stuff and just lived life. We did all kindsa regular villa stuff for almost a year.

We often talked about adding teh BDSM stuff, but just held off untill I was really set here and comfy. Sometimes making a big move will be a kinda shock to the system that the mover doesn't even feel whilst it's happening. Just be gentle with him.

Good luck, I know you must be excited ! What is it about us Kansans that makes others wanna snach us up and move us all over the world? It's our innocent charm, isn't it?

< Message edited by desertdancer -- 12/15/2007 6:01:04 PM >

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