RE: limits again!!!

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: limits again!!!

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: limits again!!!

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 12:50:42 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Yes, the limitation do matter. Do you even know what he defines as limitations? Do they compare to your idea? Some limitations are irrational. Some aren't.

Frankly, you already know your answer then. If you do not trust him enough to know you can trust your limits with him, regardless of whether he will push them or not then its a relationship doomed anyway.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 1:03:29 PM

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

Life is too short to live it in a way you don't want to. If you can't ever see being comfortable bringing others into the play or relationship and he insists on forcing the issue move on. Don't be coerced or forced into things you already know won't work for you.

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 1:26:31 PM

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I can only relate my experience.

When I was searching for a dom it seemed like limits and kinks were the first things that we talked about. Of course, I was looking for a compatible partner, and that was why I wanted to discuss these things right off the bat. I had some that spoke of ignoring my limits, pushing my limits, and some that stated they would respect my limits... but none of them were compatible.

And then I began talking with my Daddy, and I began to ask him what his kinks were, etc... and he had no trouble talking about his kinks, but when I began to list my limits (kinda a rehearsed formula of discourse on the topic that I had come up with) he stopped me, and he said something no one else ever had "I do not like to list limits like that, what I would prefer is that before we engage in any new sort of play I gain your consent, and we have a safeword so that if I cross a boundary you can let me know." This worked for us.

There are many things he knows I have no interest in trying, or that I would have trouble with, and we have had long talks about these things... I never had to make them limits with him, because I trusted that he would not do anything to harm me, and that is the key, if I were you I would find that trust place before I began to let him in that deep. This is a new relationship, and while the limits imposed today may have no meaning tomorrow (I found this true for us, there are things he does to me that used to be limits, and they are not so anymore... I keep them listed on my profile for a reminder that limits change over time) if I were you I would still want to retain some control until that level of trust had been established...

Some people get off on having their limits pushed, and some love to push limits... if he is a limit pusher, and that is not your mutual kink, that could become a problem... a huge problem, which essentially is a kink compatiblity issue. There are those who get off living on the edge, and he is letting you know he enjoys a partner that will let him take her to that edge.. if that isn't your scene, it just isn't. At lease he was honest.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 9:52:55 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

You may want to ask him if having others in play or a poly relationship is non-negotiable....this, to the Dominant in question,something he requires in a relationship that he develops..if it is....and you are monogomal in nature and cannot see "sharing" as a part of your life..then you have your answer..Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/7/2008 4:05:52 AM

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zuki

From your original OP: i think if he had waited until he had gained my trust and then tried pushing things i might be more willing to continue.

And now: He wants to push sharing and including others in play. For me this is not something i am prepared to do. i cannot imagine ever being in a place where this would be acceptable to me.

So you would have been more open to this if he had waited to tell about his intentions?

Each of you wants things from the other that they cannot provide. I don't see any real need to continue on in the negotiation here.

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/7/2008 5:25:07 AM

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zuki

i didn't think it mattered what the limits are, we all have different ones for different reasons, but as so many have asked the main limit He wants to push is sharing and including others in play. For me this is not something i am prepared to do. i cannot imagine ever being in a place where this would be acceptable to me. The Dom i have been speaking to seems to think that once i trust Him it is something that can be negotiated but knowing that He is going to try and make me do something that i don't want makes me not trust Him it is a bit of a vicious circle.

Ahh, ok, your post makes a bit more sense now in one respect; in another though, it is a bit contradictory.

In your original post, you stated

quote:

i think if he had waited until he had gained my trust and then tried pushing things i might be more willing to continue.

Yet now, you say

quote:

For me this is not something i am prepared to do. i cannot imagine ever being in a place where this would be acceptable to me.

Personally, I think you are making a big deal out of something that does not need to be a big deal. If you like him enough to continue the relationship; do so; knowing that MAYBE, down the road he may require sharing.
If you don't like him enough, then discontinue things right now and continue to wonder if things MAY have been different.

Either way, I think you have already made your decision and you are just looking for others to agree with you.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/7/2008 11:32:12 AM

Posts: 41
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Tennessee
Status: offline

it would see to me if it is a soft limit than pushing you is a part of growth. if it is a hard limit it should be respected and left at that.

_____________________________

I have found myself, good friends(family of the heart rather than blood), and an amazing love.
Proudly Owned by Gizzo!!!!!!!!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/7/2008 1:07:06 PM

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

I think that there are very different kinds of limits we have. Some are ethical, health-related, or have to do with how we are wired. Others have more to do with not wanting to give up control, fear, or social programming we have yet to work through. Unfortunately, it is hard for another person to judge which limits are which. For example, for one person poly might be an ethical limit, or simply that they are not wired for anything but monogamy, while a different person might find that poly was a limit for them formed from fear or social constructs they don't really buy into in the long term. For both of these people poly may have been a hard limit. In one case that won't change and in another, it can gradually shift over time from a hard limit to no limit at all. I don't think it is a good idea for anyone on the outside to determine which is the case for anyone else.

I really like what juliaoceania said about how she and her Daddy work. While my Master, my sisterslave, and I did start out comparing lists of interests and limits, we never saw them as things set in stone. Any time something has come up that one of us wants to try that was a previous limit, we talk about it. We used to have knife play as a limit, but when I discovered that I wanted to try it, Master was ready to shitf and we discovered some things we adore. Some things are revisited periodically, but without pressure. I will continue to be a happy girl whether or not azure ever lets Master have vaginal sex with me. He and I would like to, but she knows that it can stay a hard limit forever and we aren't going to try to force her to change that.

If the limit is something like including others, that should be extecterd to stay the same. I don't mean that it can't ever change (in fact in our lives it did change completely from when we started), but rather that it should not be expected to change. If trust is built and societal hang-ups are torn down slowly over time, it is quite possible to reach a place where that is mutually desirable, but it doesn't change for everyone. I would not be inclined to form a relationship with someone who needed that to change.

(in reply to sweetsub1986)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/7/2008 2:48:44 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Just tell him you are not bi, and you are monogamous and apparently you aren't compatible because you aren't ever going to be a bi, poly, or open type person.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/8/2008 6:14:01 AM

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/6/2008
Status: offline

i think it was wrong for him to tell u he was going to push your limits...that doesnt sound good to me, it sounds selfish... u need to do wat your comfortable with at the time and u shouldnt be rushed into anything....tell him how u feel...that just sounds really selfish to me...i, personally wouldnt tolerate it...and im a sub...d/s to me is for equal plessure... if he already has it in his mind that you limits dont really matter...its very selfish, and doesnt sound like someone who cares about your well beeing...
...and wat u want to do with this situation is up to you...dont set urself short...theres plenty of doms out there...goodluck
and be careful....

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/8/2008 6:42:50 AM

zuki

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Just tell him you are not bi, and you are monogamous and apparently you aren't compatible because you aren't ever going to be a bi, poly, or open type person.

No i am not bi, does that mean i could never enjoy playing with a woman? is it necessary to fancy people who you spend time with? i am not disagreeing with you these are just the questions that i have in my head. i know i have had sex with men i didn't really fancy and it wasn't any the worse for it.
Are there any subs who play with women dispite knowing that they are 100% straight and still enjoy it or do you just do it to please? Is a touch a touch whether it is from a man or a woman?

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/8/2008 1:16:02 PM

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Oh yeah.
I get the impression that the phrase, "I will push your limits" is mostly there to impress people with their dominance. It feels more like a catch phrase rather than taking the time to find out who the person is or may need.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

He's being honest with you- it's your turn to decide if you are ok with those terms or not.

Personally, no I'm not interested in someone who has a strong urge to push limits, not only because it's a sign of disrespect for me, but I'm just not compatible with someone who thinks "limits" are a kink in and of themselves.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/8/2008 5:34:22 PM

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/20/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrDennynSlave

I had limits when I became my Masters property. Most of those limits have gone by the wayside, due to my trust in Master. I still have one hard limit that he respects. That is not getting into water over my chest. I have a real fear of water, be it the pool or the lake. A fear that is perfectly acceptable to him, as I lost 2 little children to drowning. That is the only limit Master will never push of mine. Every other limit he has asked if I would like to try and push. My answer has always been yes. Again from the trust I have in my Master. Without that trust, I wouldnt have been able to push past some of my limits, even ones I thought were hard limits. It is all a matter of trust, as others have said before. Keep looking, you will find a dom who you will be able to trust, and wont push your limits without talking to you first about them. Then ultimately respecting your wishes, no matter what they may be in the end. Good luck in your search.

Like posted earlier, are these soft or hard limits? WIll he be pushing or disregarding? Talk to him about it. I value honesty and I think it's good that he's being up front; the issue (to me) lies with your understanding of what he meant. Go back to him and ask him to clarify so that there is no doubt which limits and how he'll be going at it. Then duck and run or pull out your toys and lub!

_____________________________

"All the things I should have said that I never said/All the things we should have done that we never did/All the things I should have given, but I didn't.../Give me these moments back..."

Kate Bush, "This Woman's Work"

(in reply to MstrDennynSlave)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/8/2008 5:39:33 PM

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zuki

Are there any subs who play with women dispite knowing that they are 100% straight and still enjoy it or do you just do it to please? Is a touch a touch whether it is from a man or a woman?

There have been some threads where this has been talked about, you might want to look them up. From what I have read, different people react differently. Some are disgusted by it but do it anyway. Some take a pleasure from pleasing their owner but still don't like it. Others take to it wonderfully and enjoy it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/8/2008 5:54:18 PM

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/20/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: zuki

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Just tell him you are not bi, and you are monogamous and apparently you aren't compatible because you aren't ever going to be a bi, poly, or open type person.

No i am not bi, does that mean i could never enjoy playing with a woman? is it necessary to fancy people who you spend time with? i am not disagreeing with you these are just the questions that i have in my head. i know i have had sex with men i didn't really fancy and it wasn't any the worse for it.
Are there any subs who play with women dispite knowing that they are 100% straight and still enjoy it or do you just do it to please? Is a touch a touch whether it is from a man or a woman?

I'm agreeing with others that you're starting to sound contradicting. Now it sounds like something you're curious about exploring. I don't think this limit is rock hard for you, maybe not jello soft, but not rock hard either. Ask yourself some tough questions about what you're willing to explore when it comes to 'extra' people. Don't allow social hang-ups to close your mind (you know what I mean, some people still won't admit to anal cause it's not "socially acceptable" or some trite BS like that.) Really dig into yourself and find out what YOU are okay with. Maybe he sensed that this may not be as hard a limit as you're making it out to be?

Maybe before getting serious with him you need to do some hardcore self-evaluation? Just my 2 pence.

_____________________________

"All the things I should have said that I never said/All the things we should have done that we never did/All the things I should have given, but I didn't.../Give me these moments back..."

Kate Bush, "This Woman's Work"

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/9/2008 8:43:37 AM

zuki

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

i guess nobody has ever forced me to think about it quite so much before. it has just been accepted as a limit of mine and now i am wondering if i could do it. i am fairly new to the scene and still have some very vanilla values to work through i know that. thanks to everyone for their advice

(in reply to NaiveTempest)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/9/2008 10:05:21 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Values are good. Just because they are vanilla doesn't make them bad. Not beating the crap out of the driver who doesn't know where they are going is a vanilla value. I don't think therefore all bdsm types should commit road rage.

Someone putting you down for being 'vanilla' is the same as someone saying 'you're selfish', in both cases it means 'do what I want not what you want'. But it uses a manipulative, guilt trip mechanism to accomplish it instead of saying "Are you sure about that? Because I would really appreciate it if you would do this".

In any case, please be aware that forcing/demanding/manipulating/guilt tripping a woman who is not attracted to a specific other woman to have sex with her anyway has a nasty habit of breaking the relationship. You are likely to feel used in a bad way, angry and resentful and he probably won't want to deal with those feelings that his actions engendered in you. He is likely to say it was no big deal and that since you survived it, he's planning a lot more of the same.

If you do this once, and don't immediately kick him to the curb, which is a very common aftermath, will he accept you making this a lifelong hard limit? Because that's the question here.

Can he accept you as the person you are or does he have to change everything about you? And why would you want to be with a person who doesn't like the person you are? You are lovable and of value just as you are, and you deserve a partner who does love and value you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/9/2008 1:30:55 PM

zuki

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

i agree with you he should like me for the person that i am, but he thinks to close myself off from things that i haven't really thought about hard enough is perhaps limiting myself and my experience and maybe he is right. or maybe i will decide it really isn't for me and find someone who is less keen on that aspect of the scene.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/9/2008 1:44:02 PM

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

I think in this situation you really need to talk to him more. I have found that i often close the door on something before really thinking about or trying it and i appreciate when Master forces me to consider something i wouldn't normally as it often leaves me with a new point of view.

My questions for this man would be why he wants to push this limit. Is it because he wants you work on looking in the door before you close it or is it because he needs to have a poly situation? If he wants to push your limits in order to get what he wants in the end than it is likely you two aren't compatible. If he wants to push your limits to help you grow as a person and give you the chance to experience things you might never have in person than his intentions may not be so bad. I think the main thing i would want to discuss with him is whether poly is something he expects and needs in the future or if he would be happy in a monogamous relationship if you agree to try having other people in your relationship and find it doesn't work for you. Of course you have to trust him enough to believe that he is being honest but if you are considering dipping your toes in a previously forbidden pool i would hope you already trust him anyway.

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to zuki)

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: limits again!!!

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.359