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limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 2:57:06 AM

zuki

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Joined: 8/10/2007
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i have been talking to a Dom for a while now and we seem to get on well for the most part. There is one thing that is bothering me however. When the subject of limits is talked about He seems to think it is ok to tell me that He will push those of mine He doesn't agree with. i have read lots of posts about how subs now enjoy things that they had set up as limits in the beginnning of a relationship, but if you knew they were going to be pushed at the beginning would you have continued? The Dom says if He hadn't told me his intentions it would be lying, but i now feel i can't trust him because i think he is going to disregard my limits. i think if he had waited until he had gained my trust and then tried pushing things i might be more willing to continue.

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 3:20:24 AM

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Is this Dom intending to push your soft limits or the ones you consider hard limits ... things you won't participate in under any circumstances? If it's your hard limits, then my advice is steer clear of him, period! It means he is not concerned with your well being.

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RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 3:25:45 AM

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If I was told he was going to push my limits, no I wouldn't continue with him.

My limits are in place for a reason. That doesn't mean they won't change in the future, save those in place for ethical/health reasons, it just means that it would do me harm to be pushed into doing that activity. He is correct that is he is being honest and upfront. If he is going to disregard your limits, why does it matter when he tells you?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 3:32:46 AM

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From: Toronto
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hi zuki,

I'd go and ask him for some examples of what he means to push my limits, and which ones, and also ask if there are any things he'd never push. I think that after that conversation, you'll have a much better idea of where he's coming from and whether you can continue with him. Or at least you will be able to ask more specific questions.

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 3:41:14 AM

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Disregarding a person's limits is different than pushing them, and should not be compared to principles. When Reality first came to me he had a list of limits. I was honest with him upfront and told him that in time, once I had gained his trust, we would eventually work through those in order that those limits became curiosities and when we were faced with those hard limits, we'd work with the fears that put them there in the first place. That doesn't meantosay I disregarded his limits, on the contrary, I respected him MORE than to allow him to have a private box of fears within our relationship. There is no area of his life I don't have access to and thankfully he was able to see that I had his best interests at heart to proceed, and as a result, we have a fulfilling relationship (that is not to say that I am of the opinion that others, that have limits, are in unfulfilling ones). What led us to this point in time - communication, understanding and patience, in bucketloads.

Edited to add: While I know this is in the Ask a Submissive/Slave section, I thought my perspective may be helpful.

< Message edited by MissMorrigan -- 1/6/2008 3:47:20 AM >

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 3:51:20 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan

Edited to add: While I know this is in the Ask a Submissive/Slave section, I thought my perspective may be helpful.

It's all good. We're friendly here.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 8:50:10 AM

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I always tell men I may connect with that I have a few hard, untouchable limits which are MINE. And some limits I have for people I have not learned to trust. Those limits can grow or shrink with knowlege of my partner.
The first limits (mine) are there for me.
The second (limits with them) are those whose boundries can be changed by trust and desire.
If anyone wanted to push the first ones, that would end any conversation, period.
Kyst

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 8:54:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zuki

i have been talking to a Dom for a while now and we seem to get on well for the most part. There is one thing that is bothering me however. When the subject of limits is talked about He seems to think it is ok to tell me that He will push those of mine He doesn't agree with. i have read lots of posts about how subs now enjoy things that they had set up as limits in the beginnning of a relationship, but if you knew they were going to be pushed at the beginning would you have continued? The Dom says if He hadn't told me his intentions it would be lying, but i now feel i can't trust him because i think he is going to disregard my limits. i think if he had waited until he had gained my trust and then tried pushing things i might be more willing to continue.

Quite honestly, I can not answer because I don't know the kind of limits you are referring to.

On a general note; when I was owned, with the exception of a few things, I had no control over what he wanted to do or wanted me to do; and I knew this from the start. But, what I would say no to, is not what you would say no to; so my experiences would not apply to you.

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RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 9:01:48 AM

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From: Apple County NY
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They're your limits and not his. He hasn't any right to push them or set them for you especially as you don't know him. He does have the right to ask you why you set an odd one, and you have the right to say you don't yet feel comfortable talking to him about it.

My basic belief is that when someone says they won't abide by my limits, that means I can't trust them. I can't trust them to abide by a safeword. I can't trust him to keep my safety in mind. I can't trust him not to cheat on me. Etc.

He may like to consider that he isn't really lying, but that's his refusal to look at his own behavior. Tell him no way and find someone you can trust. You already know you have no guarantees of safety with him.

So says the sub with the weird limit that all but The Man announced their first agenda would be to break, which is why I'm with him. He just laughed about it.

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RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 9:04:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zuki

i have been talking to a Dom for a while now and we seem to get on well for the most part. There is one thing that is bothering me however. When the subject of limits is talked about He seems to think it is ok to tell me that He will push those of mine He doesn't agree with. i have read lots of posts about how subs now enjoy things that they had set up as limits in the beginnning of a relationship, but if you knew they were going to be pushed at the beginning would you have continued? The Dom says if He hadn't told me his intentions it would be lying, but i now feel i can't trust him because i think he is going to disregard my limits. i think if he had waited until he had gained my trust and then tried pushing things i might be more willing to continue.

Patience is a virtue-but at least he didn't pull a bait and switch on you. Perhaps he was just testing you to see where your mind was at? It's not always about arrogance. It can be about not wasting time on someone unsuitable too.

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(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 9:08:59 AM

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i had some hard limits that i thought could never change, mostly because of what i had seen in movies and read in books, etc. When my Owner took the time to explain to me the way he does things and showed me examples of how he does things. Those hard limits (mostly from fear) went away and now i can enjoy them. Everyone did though give great advice, but truthfully, it's hard to answer when we don't know what type of limits you are talking about.

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i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

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RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 9:32:35 AM

MstrDennynSlave

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Joined: 9/6/2007
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I had limits when I became my Masters property. Most of those limits have gone by the wayside, due to my trust in Master. I still have one hard limit that he respects. That is not getting into water over my chest. I have a real fear of water, be it the pool or the lake. A fear that is perfectly acceptable to him, as I lost 2 little children to drowning. That is the only limit Master will never push of mine. Every other limit he has asked if I would like to try and push. My answer has always been yes. Again from the trust I have in my Master. Without that trust, I wouldnt have been able to push past some of my limits, even ones I thought were hard limits. It is all a matter of trust, as others have said before. Keep looking, you will find a dom who you will be able to trust, and wont push your limits without talking to you first about them. Then ultimately respecting your wishes, no matter what they may be in the end. Good luck in your search.

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 10:52:28 AM

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Depending on the limit (and assuming the relationship has a solid foundation), for me, it is less the what than the how. Someone pushing me kicking and screaming past where I am comfortable going - usually not my thing.

Someone who has the skill and understanding and ability to get me past where I thought I could go, before I even notice that I have gone there? I like that:)

(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 10:57:19 AM

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Not all hard limits are created and are there from or by fear.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan

when we were faced with those hard limits, we'd work with the fears that put them there in the first place.

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 10:57:48 AM

RCdc

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Your post is far to vague to respond to. What limits do you mean? Hard ones or soft? Limitations that hold you back, or ones that make you ill? Once you define the limits, then an answers will make more sense.

the.dark.

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(in reply to zuki)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 11:24:49 AM

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I had a soft limit that was soft just for him, for anyone else it would have been a hard limit. He took it slow and pushed it whan he knew i was ready, it is something i really enjoy (he knows what it is). My hard limits are non negotiable they are set in stone. The good thing is Master had the same hard limits so it worked out well for us.

To the op if he is intending to push your hard limits i would take another look at this Dom and see if you really want a man who will not respect limits you have. Good luck.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to RCdc)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 11:34:23 AM

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Considering that my hard limits are things that I consider morally reprehensible or flat out dangerous.......someone telling me that they'd push my limits would be gone.

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RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 12:10:55 PM

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He's being honest with you- it's your turn to decide if you are ok with those terms or not.

Personally, no I'm not interested in someone who has a strong urge to push limits, not only because it's a sign of disrespect for me, but I'm just not compatible with someone who thinks "limits" are a kink in and of themselves.

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RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 12:40:37 PM

zuki

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Joined: 8/10/2007
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i didn't think it mattered what the limits are, we all have different ones for different reasons, but as so many have asked the main limit He wants to push is sharing and including others in play. For me this is not something i am prepared to do. i cannot imagine ever being in a place where this would be acceptable to me. The Dom i have been speaking to seems to think that once i trust Him it is something that can be negotiated but knowing that He is going to try and make me do something that i don't want makes me not trust Him it is a bit of a vicious circle.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: limits again!!! - 1/6/2008 12:45:26 PM

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Some people can't handle sharing and having others in their play. If you really like this dominant you can try to set a compromise but make it clear you will be expecting him to hold to his end of the deal, including no further pushing. You may also want to explain that it has nothing to do with trusting him, it's just something you can't handle.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to zuki)

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