AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pixelslave
Akasha,
I think it's very sad that a Domme can extract a submissive male's deepest fantasies as she drills into his mind and psyche as the trust between them grows, but can't trust him on the same level to share hers as well. I've been on the opposite end, where I knew such things existed and my Domme feared I'd reject her if she revealed all of herself to me. I've bumped up against the walls inside her mind that weren't open for her to share with me that I never made it beyond. I wanted to be with all of her, the total woman, and not just the part she wanted to portray; the "strong Domme" in control of everything she needed for others to always see. 
I could never reconcile that in my mind as I'd been totally open with her and was ever so thankful that she loved me for being the submissive male that existed at my core; something most vanilla women just aren't capable of understanding or willing to accept. As such, why would I possibly have ever rejected her for being the dominant woman she was; particularly for having "dark fantasies" or other things that go against the grain of normal society similarly to me? 
I gave her my complete trust which she never took advantage of. She certainly could have done immense physical or emotional harm to me had she chosen to at the times I was in positions under her total conrol that left me completely vulnerable to her. I hope for the women who are in strong relationships with their subs, ones where trust is firmly established, that they'll take the risk to share more of themselves and step out on that flimsy limb to expose more of themselves. I hope they'll risk sharing their secret desires with their subs; connecting themselves to them on an even deeper level in doing so. I believe there are many rewards waiting for them as a result with so little to risk or lose. 
Dommes expect us subs to open ourselves to them all the time, to examine and learn where our buttons are. Why not take the same risks that we take all the time; reaping similar benefits and gains as well? I often see posts from women on these boards complaining of subs not wanting to see them as real women with real needs and desires, but instead as "posterboard dommes" only here to serve their fantasies. Whether you realize it or not, perhaps some of you unintentionally perpetuate that attitude by not sharing equally of yourselves! 
I hope this adds a different perspective to the discussion from the other side of the coin. For me, this is part of what's been missing in some of my past relationships with Dommes!
- pixel
That's a really interesting perspective. I think a lot of my position on this has to do with my own psychological relationship with my deepest, darkest fantasies. I don't want to just reveal them all up front anyway; what's the point in that? I prefer a relationship to move in stages, from sensual to sexual to outright nasty, and by putting it all on the table on the first date it's sort of like wasting the climax.
Also, I know my fantasies and fetishes, the really deep ones, are kind of complicated. Revealing them at the wrong time can confuse someone. I have to feel that they really understand me on a level that it will make sense, it will fall into place. Some of my fantasies are so obscure that if I told someone early on in a relationship, he'd surely look at me like I had three heads. Why would I want to put both of us in that situation of awkwardness.
I'm a sadist, and sometimes that comes in conflict with my compassion. Sometimes it's difficult to own up to the cruel things I want to do to someone I adore. That doesn't make me selfish, that makes me human. To say that femdoms should just own up to everything they desire (because they want submissives to do the same) is to deny them the ability to have some sense of vulnerability themselves. When I am getting more and more attracted to someone on an emotional level, my conflicts increase at times, depending on my mood. When a submisisve just anxiously, impatiently indicates I should just share my darkest fantasies because he shared his, I think that demonstrates a lack of compassion on his part. I'm sure submissives sometimes keep a few things close to the vest until the appropriate time.
I am perfectly happy to go there at the appropriate time. But to do so too soon would be a disservice to my submissives and to myself. It also would deny both of us the most passionate and emotionally intimate moments in power exchange.
It's funny, as I read your post again, you're really saying the same thing anyway. Sure, I share my *darkest* fantasies with a sub, but not until I am comfortable with him and we're at the appropriate stage in our relationship. Of course, it makes my head spin when a submissive *figures out* my darkest desires before I start to share them -- wow, then I'm really in an amazing place. But I don't expect all subs to be mindreaders. Just the best ones :)
Akasha
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