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13 years later - 2/2/2008 10:18:12 PM   
Denveresque


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		I just needed to post this, and this seemed like the best place I could find.

About thirteen years ago, I was new to the scene. After a lifetime of fantasizing, I had finally found the internet and found a group of peoplke with whom I could have the discussions and examine the feelings of submissiveness I had had since I would remember. During this time I met a Mistress and became involved -- mostly online, then phone and a couple of meetings. they were terrifying, and exciting at the same time.

I've never been much to look at. Fighting my weight and self-image has been a battle for me, and i found myself constantly wondering whether whatever submissive feelings I had are the result of really feeling submissive or just so desperate to find someone who would want me. Anyway, not oe that mattered to her, really. She took me in, made me her confidante and made me feel desireable and wanted to an extent.  I think she developed feelings for me. it's hard to say, because she was kind of crazy -- unmedicated bipolar -- and she had kids, and the whole thing was either to much for me, or I got scared. I like to think it was the former, but the truth is it was the latter. I was afraid of it all, so I ran. Found a nice woman who claimed to be in the scene but was really vanilla. Had a couple of kids, and a nice suburban life. She doesn't like me too much anymore -- she never really got over the fact that I had been submissive, even though she knew it going in. And we stopped having sex a while ago -- i think she couldn't get past my submissive tendencies there -- didn't like it when I went down, stuff like that. So we just stopped. All these dynamics get complicated. And I'm here, kind of looking half-heartedly, hoping that maybe someone will be interested enough, pretty much doubting they will.

But I've always thought about my Mistress. Always thought about what would have happened if I had been braver -- what would have happened. if I had the guts to live the life that was offered to me. Thirteen years is a long time to hold onto something -- kind of "lost in the memory of a love that never was." I know it's tendency to over romaticized things like that -- to push those could have beens into the forefront of the mind, even though i was a grown up and made the decisions, I still think about her, and it, and then.

And this seemed like the place to write about it. Thanks.  
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: 13 years later - 2/3/2008 12:50:29 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		I saw the statement below somewhere and it clicked for me.  It is the way I try and live my live and wish everyone else would as well.  The things that I have missed I do not regret as I have done everything on my part and what was not meant was not meant to happen in the first place.  All I can suggest is that you grab life by the balls and live it from now on.
We have one shot at this life it is not a dress rehearsal All the best.
Mike


(in reply to Denveresque)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: 13 years later - 2/3/2008 12:54:28 AM   
PrizedPosession


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline 		Aw, i wish you the best and i hope you've learned to live to the fullest. But i'm awed by the fact you shared that story with us, and humbled. Thanks for the story and the lesson.
-bobcat

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: 13 years later - 2/3/2008 5:03:52 AM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		Wow, I had to go look at your profile as I had a very similar talk about this with a boy I have known and am friends with--is almost the cry of  lost youth---
 
I believe that 40 and 50 have these universally timed epiphanies, when we look back--and many times look back at "what"--feeling we left the course we charted or buried the dream we had because it wasn't cool or accepted.
 
I will tell you before I continue, you are not alone--I have spent many hours conversing with boys in the same situation that you are---the drive for submission/devotion is so deep that nothing but that will calm it--and it has nothing to do with, kink or sex, it has to do with---love, real, true, deep, and one that many could never understand--
 
When one sits and takes stock of their life, it is indeed a gamble to pursue a dream, a need , a burning desire, and yet what do we want to think about at the last 5 minutes of our lives? The things that we did or the things that we did not? I'd rather  think of the things I did--
 
It is not the love that never was, it should be the love you will find--(I too can relate to that concept and I will not stop My quest until I find it)--I don't think it always has to do with bravery--males subs take a bad rap--I think it has to do with what was expected---however, I will say this--when you look back, you give yourself over to what I call the fire wall--as you reach back to the past to live there, you lose the life that sustains you now and the ability to reach forward---and the ashes take hold---reach forward. Define you, the you that you want to be and the things that will get you there.
 
Given all that philosophy, take stock, decide what is important to you and seek it out---BE VERY CAREFUL--not to allow yourself to be exploited in the process---having worked with boys in situations like yours---it can be a failing--if that is what drives you, drive to find it, remember, though that dreams take time.
 
and btw, I had a slave for 6 months who was 345--he didn't get sent home because of his weight, he got sent home because he sucked as a slave.
 
I wish you well little one..smiles
 
 

< Message edited by LadyHathor -- 2/3/2008 5:07:54 AM >

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to Denveresque)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: 13 years later - 2/3/2008 6:23:01 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Is a man desirable because a woman desires him, or does a woman desire him because he is desirable?

You seem to think the answer is #1.  I think it's usually #2.  If you are looking half-heartedly, not expecting results, then you're not likely to get any results.  Female Dommes are inundated with "offers" -- some of which are actually legit.  What can you do unrelated to sexuality or relationships to make yourself more healthy and happy?

I talked to a friend two days ago.  She was unhappy.  I asked her to email me a list of the things that made her happiest.  She did.  It was a wonderful read.  But --- everything she mentioned was something she hadn't done for at least six months.  Not a big shock that she's feeling unhappy right now.

Say you like birdwatching.  Go be a kickass birdwatcher.  Then write in your profile, "I'm not Brad Pitt, but I have a lot of caring and affection for the right person.  I love birdwatching, and being part of nature."  Or whatever.  You will be more desirable to others if the focus of your life is on your joys, not your "failures."

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: 13 years later - 2/3/2008 6:41:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you've spent the last 13 years daydreaming about your ex, then you weren't ever really committed to your wife. And that's probably what turned her off, not the person she knew you were personality wise, but the fact that there were always three of you in bed; you, her and your ex.

You are not blameless in the destruction of your marriage. If you want to fix it, then go get some help working things out, both as a couple, and alone.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: 13 years later - 2/3/2008 6:08:46 PM   
Denveresque


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		.>>You are not blameless in the destruction of your marriage. If you want to fix it, then go get some help working things out, both as a couple, and alone.<<

I'm sorry if I implied that I blame my wife for any of this. While I think she could have been kinder about a lot of things, I know that she is as disappointed by the way things have been as I am.

What I was trying to say is that it was my choice that put me here. And I'm not even really saying it's all bad. It's just that I wonder sometimes that I'm in a middle ground, when maybe I could have been on a higher place. More highs, more elations, more sensations. I might have felt more at peace. Or maybe not. But I know that these things were my call, and I take responsibility.  

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: 13 years later - 2/5/2008 8:46:21 AM   
Denveresque


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		I think you're right, but I'm not sure what defines desirable. it's been oneo fht ereal questions I've always had in my life -- probably one of the questions that I've always answered wrong.

I think the answer is probably #2. But I think alot of smoke gets blown in that direction. There are a lot of things that make someone desireable, but it starts with attraction. Physical attraction. The emotional and intellectual aspects may be there as well, but it has to start with an idea of attraction. Something about the way they look or talk or sing has to make you a bit tingly, and if it doesn't, you'll never get there.


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: 13 years later - 2/5/2008 12:36:31 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		At least you didn't wait 25 years to "find yourself" Good luck to you and your soon to be ex-wife.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Denveresque)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: 13 years later - 4/1/2008 4:29:29 PM   
Marysboi


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with you, the first observance is physical attraction, But that disappears at some point and my suspicion is its rather quick. I grew up in a Boys Home in Denver.We had big guys, little guys, black guys and so on. however their name and personality are what we knew them by. Because we knew each other. I hated some guys but it wasn't because of a first impression as much as who they were and attitudes. You wont like everybody and everybody wont like you.What about you in High School. Your friends.. (those that you know and know you)Was the black guy always  "the Black Guy" I hope he was know as Fred Or George who was terrible in Math or who dated the white girl. etc. and his color is secondary..BECAUSE YOU KNOW HIM..My suggestion to you and (although I rant, take me with a grain of salt, everything is more complicated I know ) The suggestion is a continuance of the above bird watching..Put your self in a position that people get to know you..Go to munches, volunteer, be around people.. Some will see past your weight and admire you for your volunteering, or your bird watching. But in my experience the ones who are conscious of themselves, with awkward confidence. Become reserve, sometimes withdrawn and yet the answer as it seem to me is to do the opposite. ( Also please be aware, we all have our weight to bare) Put your self in a position where people do judge you. For the good that is in you and your soul. Take care and please be bold.

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: 13 years later - 4/1/2008 5:57:41 PM   
kuriosity


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline 		I have found that when I can't stop thinking about someone or something from the past (either Dom or vanilla) it is because I am afraid of moving on.  Moving on usually leads to bigger and better things after the requisite period of mourning.  Good luck on your journey.

(in reply to Denveresque)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: 13 years later - 4/2/2008 12:18:44 AM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Denveresque

I just needed to post this, and this seemed like the best place I could find.

About thirteen years ago, I was new to the scene. After a lifetime of fantasizing, I had finally found the internet and found a group of peoplke with whom I could have the discussions and examine the feelings of submissiveness I had had since I would remember. During this time I met a Mistress and became involved -- mostly online, then phone and a couple of meetings. they were terrifying, and exciting at the same time.

I've never been much to look at. Fighting my weight and self-image has been a battle for me, and i found myself constantly wondering whether whatever submissive feelings I had are the result of really feeling submissive or just so desperate to find someone who would want me. Anyway, not oe that mattered to her, really. She took me in, made me her confidante and made me feel desireable and wanted to an extent.  I think she developed feelings for me. it's hard to say, because she was kind of crazy -- unmedicated bipolar -- and she had kids, and the whole thing was either to much for me, or I got scared. I like to think it was the former, but the truth is it was the latter. I was afraid of it all, so I ran. Found a nice woman who claimed to be in the scene but was really vanilla. Had a couple of kids, and a nice suburban life. She doesn't like me too much anymore -- she never really got over the fact that I had been submissive, even though she knew it going in. And we stopped having sex a while ago -- i think she couldn't get past my submissive tendencies there -- didn't like it when I went down, stuff like that. So we just stopped. All these dynamics get complicated. And I'm here, kind of looking half-heartedly, hoping that maybe someone will be interested enough, pretty much doubting they will.

But I've always thought about my Mistress. Always thought about what would have happened if I had been braver -- what would have happened. if I had the guts to live the life that was offered to me. Thirteen years is a long time to hold onto something -- kind of "lost in the memory of a love that never was." I know it's tendency to over romaticized things like that -- to push those could have beens into the forefront of the mind, even though i was a grown up and made the decisions, I still think about her, and it, and then.

And this seemed like the place to write about it. Thanks.  


I have found solice in the following.

Everything I have done in my life, including the mistakes I have made, all lead to me being who I am today. Being that I like who I am today, HOW can I possibly look back to any of it and think WHAT IF? If any one if these individual decisions I made were made differently, would I be someone else, Possibly even some one I hate. How is this in any way beneficial?

I am in thinking I have lost "the one that got away." But what I took from her was part of who I am. I learned alot from her, and from her leaving. In truth, probably more from her leaving than anything else. It WAS the greatest five consecutive years of my life, so far. I am currently working on nearing 2 consecutive years of the greatest time in my life.

Learn from your past. Live in the now.  Look to the future.

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to Denveresque)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: 13 years later - 4/2/2008 12:32:25 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I think this is a case of rose tinted glasses, you are not missing her but the idea of her. She was your first and only Mistress, she helped you see a differant side of yourself, but was it really a fullfilling relationship? You are down at the moment, clearly your relationship is failing and you are looking for a get out a "Where did it all go wrong". You are seeing this past event as though it was amazing, though I am sure at the time it wasnt all hearts and flowers. So maybe you should have not got married, but really was the relationship that bad? or are you just down at the moment? If it was that bad then yeah you should have explored your submission more, but with this Mistress? probably not.

I think you main issue is none of that but your low self esteem I actually think that low self esteem can be used far too easily as an excuse. So you may not be brad pitt, im not angelina jolie but that is not the reason I get upset, looks are really not all that important. More likely reason for failed relationships or not starting them for you is fear because you have given yourself all these limitations, what you should and shouldnt expect.

So maybe you made a mistake, you arent dead, so maybe your marriage broke down does that mean that the entire time has been wasted? you have learned nothing in these years? You are only 40 you have far more time to live.  Stop making excuses about lost chances and the way you look, get off your ass and do something, if your marriage is over then end it because its not fair to either of you to carry on

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Denveresque)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: 13 years later - 4/2/2008 1:52:07 AM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		Damn C. Harsh. but good advice. (yeah I know. Harsh coming from me... Almost don't fit do it?)

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 14
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