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Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 2:42:42 PM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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When I wanted to meet a Dom, I had certain expectations; respect, personality, intelligence, a certain time of 'courting', if you will...basically a time to get to know someone, to find out if our personalities meshed, our needs/desires were similar, and to have a friendship before anything else.

Those who were disrespectful, expected instant submission, or were too impatient to be friends first were not considered.

Since HoneyMaster and I have decided to find a Domme to help to train me with obedience, pony play, and other things, I have found that the Dommes who contact me expect instant submission without question, and without much introduction at all.

I find myself turned off and frightened by this, but, since it's basically the only thing I've run in to, I'm wondering if this is the norm. Can you please tell me your own opinions regarding this? Am I crazy to expect to get to know someone before deciding that they are worth allowing them to top me? If a Dom tried that, I'd set them straight, but, I'm wondering if, since female Dommes are more rare, that they can get away with that type of behaviour a bit more often...(not to me, but to others) Is this really asking too much?!!

Thanks!

~Christina

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~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 2:45:28 PM

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From: Kalamazoo, MI
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It is NOT to much to ask for. I always insist on a face to face meeting in a public place, for coffee or a meal, and at least a 24 hours waiting period before any session. I believe that both parties should be sure that they are totally comfortable with each other. I prefer to earn respect than to demand it.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 4:00:34 PM

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Personally I do not expect instant submission, that to me shows they will bow down to anyone and I don't need a doormat. Its a turn off. I want someone strong who is truthworthy, obedient, educated and knows what they want. Respect is earned in this world, not given. I expect a sub to get to know me and vice versa before anything else takes place.

You just haven't found the right Domme for you, keep searching she is out there.

Good luck,

~Lashra

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(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 4:16:41 PM

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Joined: 12/28/2007
From: Tasmania, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

If a Dom tried that, I'd set them straight, but, I'm wondering if, since female Dommes are more rare, that they can get away with that type of behaviour a bit more often...(not to me, but to others) Is this really asking too much?!!

Certainly not, I wouldn't want anyone who would 'roll over' that soon, I want to get to know them first before they even so much as mention the word submit, you are entitled to find someone who will respect your need to first establish a friendship, lay some ground work... You just haven't found her yet, good luck with the search!

DJ

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(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 4:21:54 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

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Joined: 2/15/2007
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That really surprises me, because I would have expected the Domme to play hard to get and keep her distance until she was comfortable with you.

Is your Master involved in these meetings? Possibly the Domme feels pressured to "show off her real-ness" to the Dom and is trying to impress him.

Perhaps gently suggest that you like to get to know a Dominant as a person first. If the Domme still insists in jumping into role play/protocol, she might be quite new and insecure (a case of domme frenzy?). Your Dom could mentor her to chill out a little.

Can women "get away" with expecting instant submission? Maybe, but I don't know why anyone other than a total newbie would give away instant domination. Shouldn't you be earning that privilege? Maybe point that out to these pushy Dommes.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 2/10/2008 4:24:55 PM >

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RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 4:22:52 PM

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I would expect a long courtship with a slave who was to become a lover with 24/7 TPE.
I have had other kinds of relationships but they were not totally satisfactory.
All my needs were not met.
I think you are expecting too much of a Domme to train someone in certain areas and to have no real power. Why would a dominant woman do that?

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 4:57:46 PM

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Joined: 8/13/2007
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This has nothing to do with a difference between male and female dominants, and everything to do with how dominants behave when a submissive wants to be trained without being in a relationship with the trainer. The men who approached you with respect and care when you were single probably did so because they hoped to build a loving and permanent bond with you. If they had known from the outset that you were already "taken" and not emotionally available, they might have behaved differently.

Under the circumstances--yes, I would expect a little more insensitivity from women who are willing to play with someone else's property. You have essentially put out a call for a person who is able to take pleasure and satisfaction from a pure exercise in sadism, without wanting any deeper emotional connection with you. You are not available for a relationship: the energy you have for emotional bonding and a deeper D/S dynamic already obviously belongs to your master.

Since you're looking for a no-strings player, you should not be too surprised when the people who respond positively expect you to be ready to play! A person who doesn't care who you belong to or how you feel about her personally, and just wants to make you prance around like a pony for kicks, is not likely to approach you with great delicacy.

I have no idea what your circumstances are, but perhaps it would be better if you formed a personal friendship with a local dominant woman whose interests and ideas were compatible with yours? And then discussed training after you had already formed some sort of mutually friendly and respectful rapport? It might be a little less scary than just throwing open the door...

< Message edited by ShaktiSama -- 2/10/2008 5:03:54 PM >

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RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 5:26:25 PM

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From: New Zealand
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ShaktiSama agreed ...

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RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 6:02:30 PM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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I don't believe in 'no strings' playing.
While I am not looking for a 24/7, I AM looking for a relationship. It's just a different (but similar) type of relationship than I have with my HoneyMaster.
I would never submit to someone that I didn't trust, so, I would have to know that person and respect them before that could ever happen.
Basically, since HoneyMaster is in love with me, He finds it difficult to give me the direction and discipline He believes that I require. And He has issues with me being around anyone who has an (attached) penis. So, this was an idea to basically, further my training.
Plus, He finds Domme women HOT so, this is kind of a fantasy for Him. *lol*
We don't expect to find the right person quickly, I'm just a bit surprised at the approach I've received recently, is all.
Thanks all for your replies.
I will continue to read and learn.

~Christina

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~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Jasmyn)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 6:55:05 PM

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Joined: 10/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I don't believe in 'no strings' playing.
While I am not looking for a 24/7, I AM looking for a relationship. It's just a different (but similar) type of relationship than I have with my HoneyMaster.
I would never submit to someone that I didn't trust, so, I would have to know that person and respect them before that could ever happen.
Basically, since HoneyMaster is in love with me, He finds it difficult to give me the direction and discipline He believes that I require. And He has issues with me being around anyone who has an (attached) penis. So, this was an idea to basically, further my training.
Plus, He finds Domme women HOT so, this is kind of a fantasy for Him. *lol*
We don't expect to find the right person quickly, I'm just a bit surprised at the approach I've received recently, is all.
Thanks all for your replies.
I will continue to read and learn.

~Christina

Hi Christina,

I have two dom friends that have asked for my help with various issues. I make it a point to get to know the submissive as much as I can in a short period of time. regardless of what her Dom is asking of her I want to establish trust and if this can't be acheived I tell the Dom I wasn't able to help without putting the blame on her and make it feel as if she failed in some way. One lady was afraid of me, not because of anything I said or did, but because she had "heard" Dommes were "meaner" than men.

Communication is high and I, for some reason, have a higher tolerance towards her than I normally would in comparison to a potential I was interested in for myself.

I want to know her mindset as far as submission and to level the field, I take time to get to know the vanilla side. establishing a rapport and engagement is needed before the training can begin.

Both Doms trust me and they know I will not function on their timetable but on the one I set based several factors. I also allow open discussion about their fears or concerns every step of the way.

Continue to search for the one that "fits". It may take time but it will be worth it in the long run.

Faye

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I must the One that you are searching for.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/10/2008 7:44:30 PM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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This makes perfect sense, Miss Faye, thank you.
Actually, the only reason a Domme would make me more nervous than a Dom, is kind of the same reason mothers don't put up with as much stuff from little girls as daddys do their 'little girls'.
Women can see past the games girls use to charm and to get their way...
Men...well...not so much...yanno?
*lol*
That may not be a fitting example, but it felt right to me.
With Doms, I'm often able to charm or to pout my way out of responsibility. I think it might be a bit more complicated with another woman. But, actually, I have no idea. *lol*

~Christina

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~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to MistressFaye1)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/12/2008 5:38:10 AM

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Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

I enjoy someone who is respectful but not forcing their submission on me. I like them to meet me on a level where we can have a stimulating conversation about who they are as a person, where they've been, where they want to go and what they want out of life and out of our proposed journey. I also expect for them to have some semblance of self-control and show me that they'll be trustworthy, responsible and not a danger to have around me (reckless.) I need them to have my trust and trust in me before we venture off on other deeper things.

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RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/12/2008 7:16:51 AM

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I don't know how you are approaching this potentials female dominants but if you are telling them that you are looking for someone to train you in some things but you all ready have a master I can think of two reasons they respond as some have.

First, they see it as a business proposition. Whether or not money is involved, looking for someone else to train you when you are in another DS dynamic seems like a teacher-student or business set-up not a relationship really as you have with your master. Therefore they may simply be going into dom mode thinking that is what you are really interested in.

Second, they actually be attempting to push you away because they have negative reactions to the idea that you would contact them to be trained when you are all ready in a relationship.

Of all the training I've done, I've only trained two submissives who were all ready in other relationships -- the others were matters of us using formal process to help them explore things safely and us to explore the potential between us. In those two cases the dominant in that original relationship had to talk to me and set things up with me. I set limits and rules with them because there was no way I was going to start giving my heart and person to anyone whom clearly all ready had someone. Even at the formal training level my heart gets involved and I have duty to myself and my family to protect that.

Instead of looking yourself, I think a better approach would be for both of you to look together and to look primarily in your local or regional community where folks can see you are sincere in your interest. Plus you can gauge better too.

Good luck.

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RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/12/2008 7:19:35 AM

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Christina, I mean you no disrespect nor insult, but if I were interested in this sort of thing my question would be, *what's in it for me?*

I'm sure that sounds self-centered to you, but ask yourself how you would respond to such a request.

You want someone to set aside blocks of time to train you in pony play and help with your training and discipline (I'm not sure what this means exactly....are you hoping for someone to train you to be pleasing to your master? How would a domme train you to be pleasing to someone else? If what pleases her is not the same as what pleases your master, she's gonna have to fake it).

I assume you are looking for someone who will not expect anything from you as far as additional time, an emotional bond, or service (her way) in exchange for this training. Is this a correct assumption?

You want her to do this in exchange for what, exactly? The opportunity to play with you (as your master prefers)? She must train/play with you while your master stands above her (how many dommes are into that?). She must not allow her feelings to get involved, while still offering you the best of her.

It seems to me that the type of domme that would respond to your search would be the type that seeks/needs practice or experience, because (it seems) that is all you are offering...an opportunity for an experience. This may be the answer to why you are receiving those who expect instant submission. They have little experience to start with.

I would recommend talking to those dommes you already know and have a friendship with. Perhaps she/they would feel that your friendship is a good exchange for what you seek.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/12/2008 8:18:16 AM

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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Hmm...as I stated earlier, I am looking for a relationship.
I believe everything starts with friendship, and can be negotiated from there.
Master WOULD be there initially, because it is His responsibility to make sure that those with whom we interact are safe, and have my best interests at heart.
The only things I have to offer in exchange are my submission and my friendship.
The only things I expect from someone I play with are his/her dominance and friendship.
I stated in an earlier post that we don't expect to find someone with whom we 'click' right away. Not everyone will be interested, and for many of their own reasons. I respect that.
I was just wondering why when dommes approach me, (I very seldom approach them) that they are much more aggressive, and less interested in who I am than I am used to with doms. (even doms that contact me now, are usually polite and interested in who I am although they know I am not available)
I understand, also, that what we propose is NOT for everyone.
Thank you all for your input!

~Christina

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to MsWorthy)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/12/2008 1:37:20 PM

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You need to move on quickly when you meet people like that no one should expect you to 'submit' immediately as for their behavior that would be a turn off to anyone and serve as an early warning device - danger ahead....

I always insist on meeting in a neutral public place prior to any physcial contact to have an open frank discussion about expectations, favorite kink(s), experience level and compatibility is utmost important with me.

Always trust your gut it never lies.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: Question for the ladies... - 2/12/2008 6:49:20 PM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Even if I am being approached as a trainer, I don't expect instant obedience. There still has to be some form of negotiation, and agreement on what the goals of the training are. Keep looking, and move on when you don't like the approach. I'm sure that you are as honest IRL as you are here, and you know it takes time. :)

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