Dustyn
Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
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Perhaps this memory is being looked at through rose-colored glasses, but I'll offer up my only true experience in submitting and see if it helps you answer your question any. If not, I'm sorry for taking up space better used by someone else.
As I wrote in a different, thread, my introduction to BD/SM came at the expense of a bumper sticker. Granted, the urges, desires and longings had already been there, but since I was growing up in a strict Roman Catholic household, I just came to think that there was something wrong with me for wanting the things that I did. I wanted to feel pain, not int he sense of a fist fight or a stabbing, but pain inflicted by someone for a specific purpose. I wanted to inflict that same pain. It's really hard to put into words, so I apologize if it sounds off key or anything like that.
After my third play party that I attended as a guest of the guy that I talked with in the bookstore, I met a female dominant who not only took the time to answer my questions, but turned them back around and made me answer them myself. It was fascinating to figure out the things that I knew and had never thought of being as answers, only abstract ideas, thoughts and concepts. Over the course of the next almost 6 months, we spent hours upon hours talking at length about why BD/SM was 'right' for me, as opposed to just a standard relationship like you see on TV or in the movies. In essense, why the kink in me wasn't a perversion but simply who I was, good, bad or indifferent.
The time I spent with her learning how to direct my desire to control and guide is really some of the only good memories I have from the first 20 years of my life. Was I her submissive in the traditional sense? That I don't know, but I considered myself subservient to her.
Here I am now, almost 15 years later, and I am still struggling at times to define who it is I see in the mirror every day and what it is that I want from the people in my life. There is still a very strong desire inside of me to find someone that I can respect and trust so completely that I would be subservient to them. Looking back at that time, it beings a feeling of almost rapture when she would praise what I did, because I knew the words were not hollow in the least. In some ways, I try to be like her, but I frequently don't feel that I do her, or the knowledge and guidance she gave me, justice.
Do I think I've ever met someone of her character and strength? Perhaps, but in my apparently futile efforts to argue myself out of thinking that way, I may have driven away something that I very well might need in life.
In the end, perhaps I am a switch.
I don't honestly know if this little piece of my memories is of any help to you, but I hope it will at least show you that there is someone that at least empathizes with the concepts that you are talking about in your question. If you would care to talk in more depth, I'm always willing to talk with anyone. If not, then I hope you can find your answers if you couldn't find them in my words.
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