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...on relationships - 9/18/2005 7:43:14 AM

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

ok ladies....
2 situations that i personally know of:
1. A gal meets a sort of local dom in a chat room they both frequent, they meet, they eventually get together and she moves in with him. For three years they are together. One helps another health wise when they are desperately ill. Both are retired. One is active in BDSM lifestyle functions, the other isnt so much. One day the gal walks out.
He is not really a dom, but very vanilla in actuality.

2. A gal mets a sort of local dom on a site like this, they meet and within a months time she is owned, gives up her job, her rented home and moves in with him. He is retired. For 6 months she lives as gorean slave, submissive and nilla (tis how she described her life). Out of the blue she calls me yesterday...on the road, working. She is returning the collar as soon as she returns. But has no where to move to (untilshe works more hours) and she wants to find him another girl to replace herself. What happened? i ask. he's not really a dom, more vanilla and doesnt "do anything, go anywhere." Shee is still madly in love with her husband who is incarcerated and the dom did not permit her to see him but twice.

My thoughts in regards to a D/s relationship....
1. A relationship is between a man and woman, not between..well say, for example, between a sadist and masochist.
2. D/s, M/s is not just bdsm type of play 24/7, but a psychological dynamic of control and obedience.
3. The appearance to an outsider might be vanilla..a couple who presents vanilla.
4. Within the relationship dynamic there is always a sense of one dominating and one submitting.
5. Each have there own interests and both have there own friends and also shared interests and mutually shared friends.

So my question is... what the fuck happened? What are you expectations of the dom when you enter into a relationship? Would you walk out if he was, in your opinion, too vanilla? Do your thoughts on a relationship echo mine?

just thinking about things and wondering about others' thought......

thanks
~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

RE: ...on relationships - 9/18/2005 9:17:48 AM

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

I think your first point sums it up. Just as in any relationship, if things aren't going the way one expects and the person is no longer happy, why should it continue? Assuming that there was good communication between the two people involved (and it appears that there may not have been), if the relationship is no longer fulfilling and there is not going to be a change, then ending it is most likely the best thing.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/18/2005 9:49:53 AM

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

She is married ????? and living with other Doms???? i just don't get it

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/18/2005 10:59:20 AM

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpettjenny

She is married ????? and living with other Doms???? i just don't get it

long story...confidential ...so yes i did not go into detail

but i am not asking others to comment on the 2 relationships.... they are just there for examples of my ponderings.... and of course questions....

thanks tho jenny *smiles

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/18/2005 11:00:49 AM

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

I think your first point sums it up. Just as in any relationship, if things aren't going the way one expects and the person is no longer happy, why should it continue? Assuming that there was good communication between the two people involved (and it appears that there may not have been), if the relationship is no longer fulfilling and there is not going to be a change, then ending it is most likely the best thing.

Be well,
Julie

Would you end it if the other "seemed" too vanilla?

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/18/2005 12:38:04 PM

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavedesires

Would you end it if the other "seemed" too vanilla?

At this point I don't believe I would start a relationship with someone who I knew would not be able to participate in D/s and BDSM to some extent. If I was in a relationship that started out at that level and then changed, I would have to decide if that was something I could live with. If, after discussion with my partner, it was clear that the situation would not change, and it was not something I felt I could live with, I would end it. That is of course in an ideal situation where there aren't a number of complicating factors, such as children, etc.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/18/2005 4:59:01 PM

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I have been thinking about that now, if I could live with my Dom if he stopped being my Dom, and the answer for me is no, I don't think so. I have needs, cravings, desires... I cannot wait to get a place of our own where we can built a dungeon to play in. I love to be a sub, and I love being his sub, but unless he is really ill and cannot take care of me anymore, then being in a vanilla relationship just wouldn't work for me. I don't like beinging in control. I don't mind it at work, but at home, I don't want to make any decisions. I want him to make the decisions, to tell me what he needs and wants, and to have me help make him happy. Even if that means just laying back, relaxing, and having a few orgasms to make him happy. :)

ocean

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/18/2005 7:32:33 PM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

This is a normal compatibility issue- vanilla relationships break up all the time when one partner "discovers" bdsm and realizes their partner won't fit antmore, bdsm relationships break up all the time because of the same reason.

We grow, we change, we learn who we are and who we will become. If we're still a good fit we stay together, if not, we end it.

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/19/2005 2:16:15 PM

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

quote:

Would you end it if the other "seemed" too vanilla?

Ummm, okay... I am wondering how the vanilla issue was missed before getting into a really serious relationship? Seems logical that someone would know full well their partner's sexual tastes and the amiabilities (or lack of) between them before jumping into a live-together situation.... no?

Here's something else that kinda bugs Me: If your partner was too vanilla, wouldn't that be a call for trying to help them broaden their horizons? I dunno... kinda push the bounderies? Maybe learn and teach each other? It really is sad how the norm of the day seems to be a drive-through-do-ya-want-fries-with-that kind of romance. Oops! you don't like doing what so-and-so does? Sorry, youre too vanilla. Oh! you won't share me with every guy you work with? sorry, you're too vanilla. Ummm, yeah youve spent years with Me, but this girl has bigger boobs...and since you don't do girls, you're suddenly too vanilla.

I am not saying this had anything to do with the two relationships mentioned here, but it doensn't really say, does it? My point is, what happened to sticking together through thick and thin? One girl's husband is in jail, so she is collared by another guy? I'm sorry, but isn't that paradoxical of loyalty?

Lastly, this is the worst thing... It bothers Me to hear people end a relationship and to compensate for their shortcomings in the ability to make it work, they feel the need to belittle the D/s role of the other. He's no real Dom, she's no real sub, yadda yadda, yadda. Can someone tell Me where in the heck this black-and-white definition of exactly what is and what is not a Dom or a sub? Surely there is a website someplace where t his is clearly laid out, because I never heard the saying "real Dom" and "real sub" until I got online. Really, people.... if you chose to take/give a collar to/from S/someone... they were obviously real enough at one time weren't they?

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/19/2005 2:30:46 PM

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

Can someone tell Me where in the heck this black-and-white definition of exactly what is and what is not a Dom or a sub?

When she handed him a paddle and he asked where the ping-pong table is ... that was a dead giveaway.

(in reply to RainGod)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/19/2005 6:41:21 PM

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It bothers Me to hear people end a relationship and to compensate for their shortcomings in the ability to make it work, they feel the need to belittle the D/s role of the other.

Me too.

Knowing ones role, the expectatons of the relationshp or the other person, why they got into the relationship, truly knowing them before getting into a relationship...all of these components help.

quote:

When she handed him a paddle and he asked where the ping-pong table is ... that was a dead giveaway.

hey hey caitlyn....

she hands him the cue and hopes he uses it on her as a cane but rather he asks, where's the pool table?

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to RainGod)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/19/2005 6:48:09 PM

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

Why do some want to live the fantasy of bdsm 24/7 instead of realizing there are 2 people within a relationship that are who they are no matter what their kinks, fetishes, etc, etc, etc are.

Its interesting to me that the gal of the second scenerio was indignant (and said all manner of rude and unsolicited things) with me because my Dom didnt have me move to him within a few months of meeting him.

To give up my home, my job just to move in with a man i was only beginning to know?

lol.......hope she learned her lesson. poor pitiful girl is "on the road again"...but damn, i dont feel sorry for her one bit.

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/19/2005 7:47:45 PM

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanprincess

I have been thinking about that now, if I could live with my Dom if he stopped being my Dom, and the answer for me is no, I don't think so. I have needs, cravings, desires... I cannot wait to get a place of our own where we can built a dungeon to play in. I love to be a sub, and I love being his sub, but unless he is really ill and cannot take care of me anymore, then being in a vanilla relationship just wouldn't work for me. I don't like beinging in control. I don't mind it at work, but at home, I don't want to make any decisions. I want him to make the decisions, to tell me what he needs and wants, and to have me help make him happy. Even if that means just laying back, relaxing, and having a few orgasms to make him happy. :)

ocean

Our relationship is based on love first D/s second. Master is not well a lot of the time and although I love the D/s side of our life together I would be perfectly happy to be with Him if it all came to an end (which is a distinct possibility). However while He can still talk and use His hands I think it won't be ending for a while yet!

(in reply to oceanprincess)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/20/2005 7:59:27 AM

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
I live with my Master. If my Master (who never will) became totally vanilla and didn't want to scene with me ever again I would just have to get that outside of my relationship with him. It would not be a deal buster for me as I could fill my need for kink elsewhere.
If I met a man who liked to be in control but not play kinky games I would have never moved in to start with.
The man who turned me on to this lifestyle for example was the most phenomenal vanilla lover I've ever known. He'd always been interested in BDSM play but never had a girl agree to try it with him before me. He could get me off over 30 times in less than 1 hour. Once he told me he thought the kinky stuff was actually more exciting when it was just in his mind, and that scening with me was actually not for him I moved on right away. I did keep screwing him for about 1 month more, but I was very unfulfilled even tough sex with him was actually dehydrating me. It's gotten to the point vanilla encounters (even incredible ones) leave me unfulfilled and wanting more.
I again say since I love my Master with all my heart I couldn't leave him if he became vanilla overnight, but I would miss the interaction and pray one day he'd come back to it. Being kinky is who I am, and who I want to be from now on, and I'd have to be permitted to scene with others to fill my needs elsewhere as I could never be only vanilla and happy again.
If the rule was no other Dom's & my Master only vanilla I think I'd just have to leave as I couldn't do it. BDSM is too important for me not to share the experiences I crave with someone. I'd be miserable and just couldn't be only vanilla ever again.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/20/2005 8:15:03 AM

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I tried dating a vanilla guy. He was a nice enough guy. But it was difficult. I can't put myself (ever again) in a situation where I have to teach a man. And he was not kink-curious. I just couldn't put it out on the table, at least nothing beyond "why don't you try playing with my vibrator?" He thought *that* was way kinky. It finally got to the place where I said to myself "what the hell am I doing here?"

(in reply to plantlady64)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/20/2005 4:45:42 PM

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

quote:

Our relationship is based on love first D/s second

(stands and applauds loudly) Well done, rayne!! That has to be the singlemost beautiful post I have ever read. To 'be with' someone because they give good Dominance is one thing. To stand your ground, stick by your guns, and never give up when the chips are down for your Dom (or sub, for that matter)... now that's love, My friend. Hell, yes!

(in reply to Rayne58)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/21/2005 9:30:33 PM

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I've yet to meet a "too vanilla" person. Everyone I know has some sort of kink or another.

Sounds like there wasn't sufficient communication from the beginning. That is the number one reason why relationships break up.
You learn to communicate these problems would not happen. As someone stated we
Are always evolving so our interests may change a bit from time to time. Yet, if you truly love another you can work through those times…become compatible. Life is not all fun and games. If everyone ran out the first sign of trouble how many people would be together?

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/21/2005 10:36:00 PM

nslut4whtmaster

Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RainGod

quote:

Would you end it if the other "seemed" too vanilla?

Ummm, okay... I am wondering how the vanilla issue was missed before getting into a really serious relationship? Seems logical that someone would know full well their partner's sexual tastes and the amiabilities (or lack of) between them before jumping into a live-together situation.... no?

Here's something else that kinda bugs Me: If your partner was too vanilla, wouldn't that be a call for trying to help them broaden their horizons? I dunno... kinda push the bounderies? Maybe learn and teach each other? It really is sad how the norm of the day seems to be a drive-through-do-ya-want-fries-with-that kind of romance. Oops! you don't like doing what so-and-so does? Sorry, youre too vanilla. Oh! you won't share me with every guy you work with? sorry, you're too vanilla. Ummm, yeah youve spent years with Me, but this girl has bigger boobs...and since you don't do girls, you're suddenly too vanilla.

I am not saying this had anything to do with the two relationships mentioned here, but it doensn't really say, does it? My point is, what happened to sticking together through thick and thin? One girl's husband is in jail, so she is collared by another guy? I'm sorry, but isn't that paradoxical of loyalty?

Lastly, this is the worst thing... It bothers Me to hear people end a relationship and to compensate for their shortcomings in the ability to make it work, they feel the need to belittle the D/s role of the other. He's no real Dom, she's no real sub, yadda yadda, yadda. Can someone tell Me where in the heck this black-and-white definition of exactly what is and what is not a Dom or a sub? Surely there is a website someplace where t his is clearly laid out, because I never heard the saying "real Dom" and "real sub" until I got online. Really, people.... if you chose to take/give a collar to/from S/someone... they were obviously real enough at one time weren't they?

I agree with everything you have just said here. I think that it may be just an excuse to move on to the next DOM/ME. It is so easy to label someone as being "too vanilla" no one ever says, "I did not choose wisely" or "I did not really know who it was I was submitting to". As it was mentioned by others in this thread communication is always the key.

ns

(in reply to RainGod)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/22/2005 6:10:35 AM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

quote:

hey hey caitlyn....

she hands him the cue and hopes he uses it on her as a cane but rather he asks, where's the pool table?

She hands him a few darts, and he asks, where's the dart board...and she bends over.

eeek

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: ...on relationships - 9/22/2005 7:20:32 AM

Posts: 168
Status: offline

quote:

If my Master (who never will) became totally vanilla and didn't want to scene with me ever again I would just have to get that outside of my relationship with him. It would not be a deal buster for me as I could fill my need for kink elsewhere.

I think I would probably lean in this direction as well. I couldn't really imagine leaving my current Master for any reason.

Ophelia

_____________________________

"And every one of them words rang true And glowed like burning coal Pouring off of every page Like it was written in my soul..."

(in reply to plantlady64)

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