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hopelesslyInvo -> RE: Guilt - does it feel good to you? (4/3/2008 5:46:12 PM)
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*digs up the thread and goes "bump" in the day*
i was tempted to, for the first time, make my own thread, but i kept thinking about this one too much. i regret to say although i tried so many times to respond to this thread when it was active, to this day i still can't really seem to think of a word or better combination of words than guilt, but... to the point~
so last night i'm tired but not sleepy, in the mood to lay down but not shut my eyes... well this calls for one thing and one thing only... it's movie night!
moving right along... as i'm looking over things i find myself in the mood to watch kill bill, as it's been a while since i've last seen it, and as i'm sitting here starting the movie and getting comfy, the opening scene struck me in a way it never did before. as bill shoots bb in the head he says to her...
"i'd like to think you're aware enough... even now, to know there is nothing sadistic in my actions. no... this is me at my most... masochistic".
well, yeah... it's basically a misuse of the word if you think about it long enough, since he really wasn't "enjoying" it, but anyway it got me thinking, and the more i thought, the more i was reminded of this thread.
the line of thought i was having basically crossed paths with what i was thinking when i tried to reply to this thread the first time. the closest i got to thinking at the time as possible better words was "ruin" or "corrupting", but i never found a way to make it fit that didn't seem just as much out of context as "guilt". but the general idea i was having is basically "responsibility" and "killing the unicorn".
you see, metaphorically the unicorn is so beautiful, innocent, and pure, that no one could possibly ever even think to harm it, but from the right perspective... as the unicorn is magnificent in life and existence, so to would would the loss, ruin, or death of something so perfect also be magnificent and powerful if not even beautiful. at the time i was looking at your viewpoint similar to this, in that you liked having some sense of "unicorns" to perhaps seduce into being willing, rather than just being willing on their own, and moreso that you wanted to do something that "shouldn't be done", which is where i figure the word guilt comes in.
not only would it be incredibly boring to try and "ruin" something already corrupt, but it would be without any real impact or satisfaction. the word rape popped into my head originally, and i don't mean to incinuate, but i think it's somewhat similar from a viewpoint at least in the thought that "you can't rape the willing". i almost looked at you as having a criminal psyche, not that i'm incinuating again, just similarities in seeing the world different perhaps, where you don't feel "bad" for what you do, or "regret" it, but you do feel that you're doing something "wrong" or that simply "shouldn't be done". some action that given the set stage will carry impact, or possibly make them be the one to feel regret, but on top of it, the big seller isn't just that the "unicorn died" but that "you killed the unicorn". you are the one responsible, and although it's felt in some sense "wrong" or "unnatural", it doesn't feel "bad", but instead feels satisfying. in one sense you feel, (or feel like you should feel) guilty or remorse for doing it, or for who you have done it to, but you realize you wouldn't enjoy it near as much, if at all, if you didn't feel like you had done crossed some boundaries or done something that isn't supposed to happen, to someone who perhaps didn't "deserve" it.
now this line of thought started to remind me of hentai, or rather pornographic japanese anime. basically every story seems to be about an innocent virgin girl, who ends up raped, and for the most part turns into a corrupted slut who has given in to her desires and accepted "who she is" by the end, it's a highly reoccuring theme. it's not an exact match for sure, but thinking about how you say you "choose your victims" and enjoy "guilt" made me notice some similarities.
at some point you're feeling that you did something wrong, but you are feeling pleasure from doing wrong, then it just sort of clicked in my head, "well isn't that what sadistic means in the first place?"
a sadist enjoys inflicting pain/suffering upon others, something not meant to be enjoyable. a sadist really seems less strange than a masochist in this degree, as they enjoy something that is not expected to be enjoyable as opposed to the masochist who enjoys something that is absolutely not meant to be enjoyable. but to the point, if a sadist couldn't feel like they did indeed "hurt" someone, wouldn't it feel just as horrible to them as it would if a guy gave flowers to a girl and she threw them in the trash and told him to blow off?
but anyway, the line from kill bill got me thinking more, what if there was someone who enjoyed hurting others, but only enjoyed hurting the ones that they felt sorry for hurting, or perhaps a person who hurt others to emotionally hurt themself, but felt justified in it.
more simply... a "sadistic masochist".
i'm not sure i'd even hint that i think that's what you are, but the idea has some merit to it.
that you love to feel sorry for someone, to pity what you do to them. not to feel remorse for it, but to find attraction in the pain of select people, and feeling responsible and bad for them, but not burdened by it.
i hate to use this example, but you know how people will be at some "outing" and one of their daughters is riding a bike or something and falls off, skinning their knee or something? and while looking so pitiful, the girl bursts into tears and cries for their mother, though when the general crowd of people around catch sight of this poor girl as the mother goes over to pick her up and hold her... despite her being hurt and in tears, most of them are like "awwww that's so cute, how adorable", many would consider this a kodak moment. it's sort of a strange reaction that although the girl is in tears, most people are smiling and just want to pick her up and hug her to death because it's so cute.
i feel like i'm about at the end of saying what i had to say, but that it's still almost like i'm just ranting off the ideas that came into my head without knowing what the point is i'm trying to make, but i'm thinking... maybe instead of guilt, a word closer to what you feel or enjoy might be sympathy? or maybe a better combination of words might end up looking like "weightless guilt" or "remorseless sympathy"?..
to the best i understand it, i think sympathy is probably closer to what you're looking for than guilt, since you don't feel bad for doing these things, but maybe you feel like you should. if you like to nurture or console in some sense, but want to be the reason for the pain that sent them seeking to wrap their arms around you in the first place, or if when someone feels out of place or you are the reason for their pain and their vulnerabilty, but it doesn't give you a wicked grin, and instead brings about for you a warm smile... maybe that's it.
on the other hand i think saying you enjoy feeling guilty might have really just hit it the whole thing on the head.
**just as a note i didn't really proof this post over too much, so it might not be the best of reading or in good structure**
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