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The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 7/17/2004 11:45:45 AM

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I'm going to repost this as well from my archive. I think many of U/us should keep O/our eyes open for the wannabes on the internet express.. hugs serenity

The D and S Wannabe

I HAVE HAD MANY SUBS WHO HAVE CAME TO ME HURT,CONFUSED,AND DEVESTATED BY WANNA BE DOMS AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE COMPILED...IT MAY NOT BE AS YOU SEE IT OR ANYONE ELSE...THESE ARE MY COMPILED THOUGHTS AND IDEAS ON HOW YOU SPOT A WANNABE

D/S IS ABOUT THE POWER OF LOVE...RATHER THAN THE LOVE OF POWER

THE WANNABE
1.If you meet a dom/domme and they ask to be your sub and they want sex right off the bat.

2.If they have a empty bio...sure enough sign they come in as someone else...

3.If they don't make you rules to follow....

4.If you ask a question and their response is talk about it later and you never get the answer so you have to look elsewhere for it

5.If you meet them r/t and find out they have no toys at the house but a nice wife/hubby they forgot to tell you about

5.If they cant seem to take control of the relationship

6.If you find them in private but not with you

7.If you just meet them and all of a sudden they want you as a sub

8.If you ask them questions about the d and s lifestyle and he cant seem to answer it

9.If you see them in locate and look at bio notice another name on it

11.If they haven't been online for days and they cant explain or tell you why

12.If they don't give you an email or icq to get intouch with them, besides vp

13.If they ask you for money and gifts More to come

TO ALL SUBS:
IF YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR A DOMME OR DOM HERE ARE A FEW GUIDELINES

1. Watch that dom/domme that you are interested in, how they act, the way they carry themselves in public rooms

2. Dont rush things let them time take its course

3. Ask around how he/she are as doms/dommes, and get different opinions

4.If you find a Dom/Domme just dont jump into the relationship, this is why many have been left hurt.

5.Always ask questions..how are you to learn about that person if you dont

Please remember....You are the gift as sub....it is precious.....make sure it is taken good care of....

_____________________________

serenity

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 7/17/2004 11:53:53 AM

angelthighhighs

Posts: 104
Joined: 5/29/2004
Status: offline

quote:

3.If they don't make you rules to follow....

i disagree with this being a sign. there are many that prefer to wait until they get to know you better before setting up rules. or they would prefer to wait until you meet real life if this is the goal. if you haven't surrendered to a Dominant...in my book at least, they don't have the right to set rules. rules are made by one you have willingly agreed to submit to.

(in reply to serenity2u)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 7/17/2004 1:08:04 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: serenity2u
IT MAY NOT BE AS YOU SEE IT OR ANYONE ELSE...

Thanks for noting this. We all see things through our own filters. I see some of them pretty differently than you do, as noted below.

quote:

D/S IS ABOUT THE POWER OF LOVE...RATHER THAN THE LOVE OF POWER

As stated by many people in another thread, love isn't a necessary component for everyone's d/s interactions.

quote:

2.If they have a empty bio...sure enough sign they come in as someone else...

I have lots of empty profiles, simply because I can't be bothered to fill them in. *shrug*

quote:

3.If they don't make you rules to follow....

I think rules should be made together, and in the time frame that works for the people involved in the interaction. Personally, I'd be pretty snarky about someone who tried to force rules on me right off the bat.

quote:

5.If they cant seem to take control of the relationship

I think that makes them a bad match, not necessarily a wannabe.

quote:

6.If you find them in private but not with you

I have private conversations with lots of people that I have no "relationship" with. It says nothing about me other than the fact that I will occasionally speak to people privately.

quote:

9.If you see them in locate and look at bio notice another name on it

I have different ID's on different services, often because my usual ID is already taken.

quote:

3. Ask around how he/she are as doms/dommes, and get different opinions

Feel free to ask, but remember that we all want/need different things, and just because someone isn't a good fit for one person doesn't mean they won't be a good fit for you.

quote:

You are the gift as sub....it is precious.....make sure it is taken good care of....

I always have issues with the "gift of submission" paradigm. To me, a gift is something given with no expectation of something in return. Someone submitting to another pretty much always expects dominance in return.

And why is submission somehow so much more valuable than dominance that it's declared a "gift"? They're two sides of a coin, and both equally valuable. At it's best, it's an exchange of compatible energies, imnsho, with neither one better/more important/more special than the other.

Hell, I'm a wannabe biker bitch, so what do I know?

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to serenity2u)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 7/17/2004 1:36:22 PM

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I totally agree with you Sherri. Sure, at any given time, any of those things *can* mean someone is not what they say, but it means litte. I don't always fill in profiles. I don't cyber, so being in private means nothing more than an easier way to chat at times. And a *gift* is something you give without expectations in return.... most submissives I know have *expectations* of getting *something* out of their submission.

Don't get me wrong Serenity, there is nothing wrong with you having a list like this,, but it reminds me of those *one size fits all* shirts... they are great when you are a 34B, but when you are a 36F they really don't fit at all....

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 7/17/2004 2:53:36 PM

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Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Like many of the folks who have posted, I don't cyber. (I also have a blank profile, as I'm not looking for anything beyond participating on the boards. And I do say I'm not looking)

In my mind, all cyber Doms and cyber subs are wannabes. It's not a lot different than my belief that you can have all the cyber sex you want, and still be a virgin (if you were a virgin before you started cybering).

Don't anybody get mad at me. It's just my opinion.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to serenity2u)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/18/2004 9:28:59 PM

Posts: 264
Joined: 1/23/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

I totally agree with the others on the rule deal ... To me if a dominant makes rule to start with, then that is a red flag to me. If a dominant take their time and the rules happen as a matter of course though the relationship then that is something that both parties work with, or have input on to various degrees.

< Message edited by NightDaughter -- 8/18/2004 9:30:41 PM >

_____________________________

NightDaughter
My Blog - http://www.livejournal.com/users/nightdaughter/
"I never said that I could spell, but I do try my darndest to get my point across" - ND

(in reply to serenity2u)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 12:43:21 AM

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How many of these lists are we going to have to see? They all say pretty much the same thing. And pretty much aren't followed by people in r/l situations.

(in reply to NightDaughter)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 8:08:05 AM

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I have to echo what everyone else said here. These are your rules and they work for you.
There are also a couple of your rules I totally don't agree with either. I've spent my entire adult life in the scene.
I'm not saying they are not good ideas. For a brand new person, I do believe they need to set some sort of guidelines for themselves. Hopefully they won't get hurt too fast.

Myself though my best advice I can give anyone is get off the computer. Start living life in real life. Go to a munch. Start networking. Meet real people. Real people find it hard to hide out in private chat rooms with others while face to face with a person. Read their body language.
Get to know them on a real level and not the internet.
Meeting someone in real life does not mean you have to play with them. It means you have agree'd to sit down with them and chat. Nothing more and nothing less. It is invaluable for meeting your mate.

(in reply to serenity2u)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 8:38:02 AM

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Wait didn't those same generic rules pop up about 15 times before it was tossed to the lions each and every time, I'd sort of like to know which "all knowing" source is putting this out there.

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 9:53:20 AM

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Joined: 1/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: serenity2u

I'm going to repost this as well from my archive. I think many of U/us should keep O/our eyes open for the wannabes on the internet express..

I agree with many of the posts in response to the list from above. In reality, the list can be compressed to the following... safe, sane and consensual. Of course this applies to those of legal age. I always like to a fourth "rule"... fun!

Sherri had numerous valid points as did others. And I especially liked the comment about "submission as a gift". I'm glad a female sub said it since the same statement from any dom would get them "cruxified".

Now on the other hand, I can uderstand why lists are created. Many people new to BDSM look for guidance. A list is one way to provide that BUT a caveat should always be included stating that the list is just a set of guidelines and not hard rules. Use your head and common sense along with the 4 words... safe, sane, consensual and FUN!

(in reply to serenity2u)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 3:22:38 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TaurusMCMLVIII
I agree with many of the posts in response to the list from above. In reality, the list can be compressed to the following... safe, sane and consensual. Of course this applies to those of legal age. I always like to a fourth "rule"... fun!

Ack! I better not have said anything that translated to SSC, cuz I totally detest that mindless mantra. I see it as less than useless (and even the originator of the phrase dislikes how it's become a rallying call and some kind of arbitrary standard).

quote:

Sherri had numerous valid points as did others. And I especially liked the comment about "submission as a gift". I'm glad a female sub said it since the same statement from any dom would get them "cruxified".

Sorry to disappoint you, but i'm not a sub, in any of it's definitions (i'm not a sandwich; i'm not an underwater boat; and i'm certainly not someone who identifies as submissive, though that's an adjective not a noun). I'm a happy sadomasochist, not particularly interested in d/s for the most part, other than using it as occasional spice to perk up a SM scene. I've heard plenty of dominant folks say the same thing, and none of them have been crucified...but that may change. I"m going to see a crucifixion scene tomorrow, so maybe I'll suggest that as one of the "victims"!

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to TaurusMCMLVIII)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 3:28:13 PM

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Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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quote:

I"m going to see a crucifixion scene tomorrow,

Sherrie, do they actually nail through the person's hands? If not how do they set this up?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 3:37:53 PM

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The first crucifixion I saw they bound the bottom to the cross, then raised it. It was utterly intense, because I knew I was sitting there watching him DIE....the pressure on the diaphragm happens regardless of how someone is affixed to the cross. (He didn't die, of course...but he was in the process...and if they hadn't let him down he would have.)

When Bob does his crucifixions I believe he binds the bottoms to the cross as well, but I think he also provides a foot rest of some sort so that the fear of suffocation isn't an issue. I haven't seen one of his yet, but my understanding is that in the past they've shaved the bottom's head, affixed a crown of thorns to her head....used needles on her hands and feet to get blood flowing where it would have been from the nails, and then proceed to do a really hot HOT scene.

I'll hopefully know more by Saturday, assuming I get into the city to see it tomorrow nite. :)

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 10:38:04 PM

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Joined: 8/5/2004
From: West Central Texas
Status: offline

[/quote]
I always have issues with the "gift of submission" paradigm. To me, a gift is something given with no expectation of something in return. Someone submitting to another pretty much always expects dominance in return.

And why is submission somehow so much more valuable than dominance that it's declared a "gift"? They're two sides of a coin, and both equally valuable. At it's best, it's an exchange of compatible energies, imnsho, with neither one better/more important/more special than the other.

The way the gift thingy was explained to this girl by her training Master was this: No one at anytime has to submit to anyone over anything, ever excepting save God. Authority is derived from submission. The Catholics say the Pope is infalable. Is he really infalable? No, he can and probably does make mistakes. But because the body of the Church says that they will accept any decission or statement he makes and say that it is not wrong, he becomes infalable. If the body suddenly decided he was a no-good-nick, not only would he suddenly be falable, he would be in charge of nothing. (which has happened in history once that i know of).

As a submissive i can submit to anyone, anytime, anywhere, be it a Dom, a vanilla or the guy in the street trying to give me directions and finnally says in frustration, "Look, just follow me and I'll get you there."
At this point i have a choice. This girl can submit and follow him to my destination or to my distruction, or i can find someone else who gives better directions. If i choose to find someone else the guy goes about on his marry way unencumbered by the authority he saught. His only offered gift to me was his willingness to lead me to destination or distruction and only he knew which at the time.

The gift of submission, the act of giving over submission, is a thing and it does not change no matter what. It can be given and taken away at anytime. However since authority or Domination if you will is derived only from submission, it in itself is not a real thing, it is a concept until brought to fruitation by submission.

This girl thinks that it is harder to submit then to Dominate because opinions are like undies, everybody has at least a few, and they are interchangable with time. But to put ones opinions completely aside for those of another???

Now please, this is not a religious trist, this one says God because she is a believer, if you are not, fine and dandy on you, you don't try to burn me for being and i won't try to burn you for not....lol

As always if this girl is wrong or you beleive she was taught wrong, please correct.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"...yes well, I am but mad north-northwest. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw."

Shakespeare's "Hamlet, King of Denmark"

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/19/2004 10:47:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub0
The gift of submission, the act of giving over submission, is a thing and it does not change no matter what.

I don't see how that makes it a gift, personally. However, I do agree that submission is *active*, at least for me. There's nothing passive about it. Still doesn't make it a gift though. *shrug*

quote:

However since authority or Domination if you will is derived only from submission, it in itself is not a real thing, it is a concept until brought to fruitation by submission.

But the same can be said for submission. How can someone submit if there's nothing to submit to? The dominant partner in the exchange can pull up stakes and stop asserting the control s/he is given at any point too. And where does that leave the person on the bottom? Certainly not submitting if there's nothing to submit *to*.

It's circular logic, as far as I can tell. D/s is a symbiotic relationship that requires BOTH parts in order to work. And that *still* doesn't make either piece of the puzzle a "gift".

quote:

As always if this girl is wrong or you beleive she was taught wrong, please correct.

I don't think that you're necessarily wrong, or that you've been taught incorrectly. I simply disagree with what you've been taught and the conclusions you appear to have drawn. They don't fit into my chosen paradigm. If they work for you, then great.

< Message edited by SherriA -- 8/19/2004 10:49:40 PM >

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to sweetsub0)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/20/2004 7:44:43 AM

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Joined: 7/1/2004
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quote:

I'm a happy sadomasochist

Ok, more than a bit off topic here but this came to mind and i simply couldn't resist sharing!

Too bad we can't air BDSM commercials because this would be perfect.

*picture Sherri holding up a <insert favorite BDSM product here i.e. lancet, whip, etc> and smiling*

Sherri says

quote:

I'm a happy sadomasochist

*screen fades to the next frame*

*product manufacturer name and emblem*
The choice of happy sadomasochists everywhere!

_____________________________

Wilted petals fall from a rose like bitters tears wrung from a heart whose dreams have shattered. What hope for the future can be seen by eyes that are darkened with sorrow neverending?

i'm not manic-depressive, i just have an elliptical personality

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/20/2004 8:05:35 PM

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This thread has three of my pet peeves involved all in one.

The word "wannabe" for one. This word I have ONLY ever heard uttered ONLINE. I have not met a SINGLE real life person that calls anybody that word, even when they do not like the other person. So, I stand on the point of view that if you label someone else, you in fact are only labeling yourself.

The gift of submission, I have adressed in a different thread with an article, that I can't seem to find anymore. Anyway, I think it is very uppity for slaves/subs who profess to be about serving, etc, and then expect to be treated like the Queen of Sheba because of their submission "gift".

Safe Sane and Consentual......really makes me insane. Since when is it SAFE to allow someone to leave whip tracks on your body? What happens if they miss? Since when is it SAFE to allow someone to force you to not breathe? Since when are either of these activities SANE? If these were sane activities, why do we as a community have to be careful about who we discuss them with or not? Why do psychologists down talk our way of life? The only thing I like about the SSC slogan is the consentual part. That is unquestionable.

My suggestion, is, if we really need lists like this, may we please re-name it to something like....."Red flag alerts for potential Doms?" or something that actually speaks with some sense?

_____________________________

**please note that I realize that I am just as full of crap as everybody else, feel free to remind me anytime**

If you understand it.......you've missed the point.

[image]http://img33.exs.cx/img33/2424/pixieunleashed-2.jpg[/image]

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/20/2004 10:31:40 PM

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Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
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quote:

I think many of U/us should keep O/our eyes open for the wannabes on the internet express..

There are folks who would say that all this "U/us" or "O/our" capitalization stuff is a sure sign someone is a cyber dom or sub wannabe. Feel free to add this to your archive.

(in reply to serenity2u)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/28/2004 2:54:17 AM

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A List
I have found list very useful; they help me remember things, compare things, i.e. a pro con list or a list of likes and dislikes etc.

I have not been on the message boards here very long. So I do not know if the topic of How to make different personalized lists and how to use them has ever been brought up. This I feel would be a more useful tool, then a list that in general suggest that some thing is out of the norm.

If speaking of red flags, like a red flag list. It is my feeling that teaching some one how to figure out what are their red flags and why. Can only do some one good in the long run.

If history has taught us any thing about protection, I would like to think that it is, Custom fit armor works better then walking around wearing an oak barrel

So make the lists, in braise the lists, make them yours and revamp them often as you grow

(ok that last part might be a bit over board) <Smiles>

I feel that at the opening of this thread was more along the lines of. These are my red flags and why. Would have left more room for the sharing of experiences

Keltic Knot

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: The D and S Wannabe ,what to look for .. - 8/28/2004 12:22:07 PM

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D/S can be taken to many levels. Some use it as a love of power over another just as some slaves NEED to be used and not loved. it is a matter of degrees here. AND while we are at it may I point out that there are as many fake "subs" and "slaves" as there are doms. Most claim to be a slave then never return emails or give different stories as you get to know them under different names

(in reply to serenity2u)

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