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"Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 6:46:04 AM

Posts: 1
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Hi,

I'm sorta jumping out of order here, since I've yet to post an introductin, which I'll do shortly, but this is what's really on my mind...

I've been reading through th posts for a few days now and at some point someone usually uses the term "real dom". Like, "Oh a real dom would never do that" or "A real dom would insist on a safe word" and a "real dom would never want to cause you emotional distress"..things like that.

I admit that I am of the romantic sort and on one level the idea of someone placing my needs, safety, and desires above all else is well, cool :) But then if I wanted that I'd be a dom...wouldn't I?

It seems like if he has any human failings or just a bad day he's labeled not real.

I think a real dom is selfish and cares way more about what pleases him then me. That's one of the things that attracts me. That I've been told is setting myself up to be abused. I feel like if I use the criteria for a dom that is mostly out there...well I better search the submissives sites for him.

So I'm asking the Masters, putting aside the ability to physically rule over someone in a scene...what are the character traits that you believe set you apart. Are you really the romantic selfless heros that I've been told you are...if you're a "real dom" ofcourse.

Nice to be here, and thanks for reading all this..
Reanna

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 6:57:06 AM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Well I'm a sub, but I totally disagree with you. I think a real dom is all about meeting the needs of the submissive. However, its critically important that he maintain an illusion that its all for HIS pleasure. That's not to say that it isn't TRULY for his pleasure sometimes..just that I feel a Master (in a full time M/s relationship) should always be conscientious of the needs of his slave. He has a huge responsibility to her. I think a selfish man would make a poor dom indeed.

< Message edited by HentaiGamerKitty -- 10/6/2005 6:58:03 AM >

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 7:18:30 AM

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

reanna,

Although the usages of terms like "real Dom" and "real submissive" are things that I do not like, they are very popular in online exchanges.
I find it disturbing that people are judged as to their validity according to how well they fit another person's needs or desires. I wish it were more popular to say " a Good Dom for me would be..." or "a good submissive for Me would be....". Just because someone does not fit one's needs is no reason to besmudge their image and character.

Granted, there truly are some who are clearly not "real", but rather seem to be here facilitate their predatory desires, but it quickly becomes obvious what their true intentions are.

As for the question in your post, In My own opinion, the best, and most gallant qualities a Dom can portray lie in the art of even mixtures. Strictness with understanding. Discipline with compassion. Leadership with open eyes...as well as open mind.

It would be wrong to leave out some other important qualities such as affection, romance, and human understanding of the emotions involved. I, as a Dom, must endevour to always be a Provider. It is My responsibility to care for those who have entrusted themselves to Me. Another important job is as Protector. I must ensure her safety and wellbeing, never exposing her to things which could be detramental or damaging. Lastly, I believe I should be a fair judge over both her, and over Myself... never living by double standards, or by hypocracy.

Hope My opinions help out, but always remember, that just because someone else sees it differently than I does not mean they are "not real". Just different.

_____________________________

Love is a razor & I walk the line on that silver blade... slept in the dust with His daughter her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence... The evil that men do lives on & on.
~ Iron Maiden

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 7:25:44 AM

Posts: 511
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

I think a lot of subs want to return to childhood,and look for someone who did what thier dad did for them,only with sex.

Sort of incestuous...very odd.

(in reply to RainGod)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 7:31:38 AM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

I agree with you, JustaTop...thats why I like having a "daddydom". It fills a void that was missing in my past.

(in reply to JustaTop)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 7:34:49 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: reanna
It seems like if he has any human failings or just a bad day he's labeled not real.

I think a real dom is selfish and cares way more about what pleases him then me.

And then you go around and do exactly the same thing. That's not a "real dom." That's a "dom that will work right with me." People confuse the two all the time.

quote:

That I've been told is setting myself up to be abused. I feel like if I use the criteria for a dom that is mostly out there...well I better search the submissives sites for him.

If you open yourself up, you're setting yourself up to be abused. Is a selfish dom who will simply use you with no deference to what you want going to be more abusive than another type? I don't see any evidence for it.

quote:

So I'm asking the Masters, putting aside the ability to physically rule over someone in a scene...what are the character traits that you believe set you apart. Are you really the romantic selfless heros that I've been told you are...if you're a "real dom" ofcourse.

A lot of doms are the romantic want to be lovers/husbands AND doms. A lot of doms embrace their nurturing side. Some of them try and become knights in armor. Lots of subs love being spoiled passive sex machines (frankly I certainly enjoy that on occasion).

Are there doms out there exactly what you want? Absolutely. In fact I'd suggest finding a FEMALE dominant rather than a male dominant as the dynamics could easily lend themselves to you being used more than adored, which is what you seem to want.

As a top myself I tend to be a mix of things. Ultimately I want everyone to come out happy in the long term. However, as the bottom you have accepted a certain responsiblity for adhering to my authority and making things better for me. Obedience comes first, this is what ALLOWS the happy glowy feelings.

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 7:36:08 AM

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

Every person's definition of "real" is different, so that makes it a rather meaningless way to describe someone else. I far prefer using the word "twue" to describe someone who is REALLY real.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 7:36:14 AM

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

There are men who are not *real* Doms. They are self-centered jerks. If you don't know them, be grateful. It's easy to tell, they are clueless. They think they can say "I am Dom" and therefore any sub will willingly submit to their nonsense.

(in reply to HentaiGamerKitty)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 7:36:47 AM

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/20/2005
Status: offline

Wow RainGod
You have said whay\t I am feeling so much today. I have been in search of a sub I can Love, honor and respect. In my search I have talked to many subs and dated a few. It seems that in the world around me I must conform to their standards or I am not a real DON. I am so tired of hearing this and that since I know what I am looking for but many have not fit my needs I am using them. This is what is being said about me in some of the gatherings. I wish that those in the scene including submissives would learn the core rules such as honesty, compassion and assumptions. I have finally found what I am looking for and she is what I need and I what she needs so to those out there that feel I must conform to your needs please review what it is you want and seek that out and not condemn or assume or bad speak someone because you did not fit like a hand in glove which is what this lifestyle is about.

TJ

(in reply to JustaTop)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 9:04:49 AM

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Real...somwere along the line i got to hate the world real, what is real for one is not real for others, real, true, false, wannabe and similar words are invented i thik by elitist pepole that want to feel better than everyone else.

(in reply to Masterwolf61)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 9:47:57 AM

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Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline

Ask 10 submissive/slaves for thier definition of a 'Real Dom' you'll get 10 differant answers, the same holds true for 'Real submissives/slaves' What it boils down to is what you think about your partner and vise-a-versa. My slave thinks I am her Master period, therefore to her I am a real Dom, but someone else may think I am a wannabe. But then I care what my slave thinks and the other persons opinion of me I couldn't give a flying fruit bat.

As for being selfish, hell yes I am, but I am selfish in mine and my slaves wants and needs and no others. I make her do things she doesn't want to do, but I want her to. She does them to please me, and she derives pleasure from pleaseing me and I see nothing wrong with that. But then I love to please her especially when she is not expecting it. I can be cold, I can be warm and I can hot depending on where i want to take her at that time.

< Message edited by WickedKev -- 10/6/2005 9:49:15 AM >

(in reply to nephandi)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 9:52:46 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

The only thing this is "real" is the connection between the people involved. To try to define any of the participants as real or unreal has about as much meaning as trying to define them as good or bad.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 10:04:40 AM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nephandi

Real...somwere along the line i got to hate the world real, what is real for one is not real for others, real, true, false, wannabe and similar words are invented i thik by elitist pepole that want to feel better than everyone else.

I think so too, nephandi.
The only way I use word "real" or "offline" is as an opposite to "virtual" or "online". Therefore none of you here is actually real to me, being dominant, submissive or whatsoever.
Although I know that for some this "reality" is much more "real" than the other one (in my opinion quite a sick attitude, but who am I to judge).

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to nephandi)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 11:21:03 AM

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

Masterwolf said:

quote:

Wow RainGod
You have said whay\t I am feeling so much today.

Thanks, Bro. I am glad you got something out of it.

_____________________________

Love is a razor & I walk the line on that silver blade... slept in the dust with His daughter her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence... The evil that men do lives on & on.
~ Iron Maiden

(in reply to Masterwolf61)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 12:19:21 PM

Posts: 347
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

Greetings reanna,

It would seem that you are experiencing the reality of the situation. Not wanting a knight in shining armor so to speak. I like that you dont place yourself on an unreachable pedstal like many others do. The over romanticized portion of the lifestyle dosent apply to me. I have no need to be someones hero by any means. I want what I want when I want it. Not saying that I dont look at how it will adversly affect my slave. There are emotional boundaries disguised as limits that have yet to be dealt with and oversome by many in the lifestyle. To overcome an emotional boundary takes time and honesty by both parties involved but instead there are those that disguise these and are unwilling to work through them at any cost. This is the difference in between being honest with yourself and with others. Communication is the key but this dosent mean to top from the bottom by using a emotional boundary as a limit. Emotional boundaries are meant to be overcome through the guidence and direction from a Master/Dom.

Master Six

_____________________________

I wish you well

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 12:39:27 PM

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Aboute the only thing i use the world real to is to ask is this a real topas or a fake one?

(in reply to RainGod)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 12:54:51 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

quote:

I think a real dom is selfish and cares way more about what pleases him then me. That's one of the things that attracts me. That I've been told is setting myself up to be abused. I feel like if I use the criteria for a dom that is mostly out there...well I better search the submissives sites for him.

Reanna, I'm assuming from your question/wording that you have NOT been in a D/s relationship (or at least a significant one) yet? Because you seem to me to be confusing your fantasy of what you want with the reality of how people really behave and interact.

If you look for and find someone who literally wants nothing other than to use you for his own pleasure, I feel 99% certain you'll find an amazingly abusive person who will be quite a serious threat to your own physical and mental safety. Someone who cares for nothing other than their own needs is called a psychopath (or sociopath), and getting into a relationship with a psychopath is not generally recommended for people who want to have long and healthy lives.

However, if you meet a Dom who cares about you and is good at what he does, he will be more than happy to maintain the illusion that he is using you for his pleasure. And believe me, if he's good at it, you can tell yourself it's an illusion all you want, but it will feel 100% real while you are sitting there tied up in the closet waiting for him to want his "toy" for something.

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 1:04:12 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

<original post SNIPPED>

I admit that I am of the romantic sort and on one level the idea of someone placing my needs, safety, and desires above all else is well, cool :) But then if I wanted that I'd be a dom...wouldn't I?

No, not in my book. If you find the right partner in BDSM, one with a D/s bend to them, generally it's the desire for both partners to place the other's needs/wants/desires above their own. I don't know where people get this idea that D/s relationships are all about the Dominant and little about the submissive.

quote:

It seems like if he has any human failings or just a bad day he's labeled not real.

I tend to be just the opposite. If all some guy talks about is "the Master's Will" and basically what he says distills down to "it's all about me," I tend to think they've never gotten away from the computer and actually been part of a D/s relationship.

quote:

I think a real dom is selfish and cares way more about what pleases him then me.

I'll have to let Sir know he's not a real dom and that he's doing this all wrong.

quote:

That's one of the things that attracts me. That I've been told is setting myself up to be abused. I feel like if I use the criteria for a dom that is mostly out there...well I better search the submissives sites for him.

I think you have "real Dom" confused with "Abusive Son of a Bitch." But that's just me.

quote:

So I'm asking the Masters, putting aside the ability to physically rule over someone in a scene...what are the character traits that you believe set you apart. Are you really the romantic selfless heros that I've been told you are...if you're a "real dom" ofcourse.

I'm just a sub so I can't answer this question. However, I'm going to watch and see what the Dominants say (There are Mistressess and Dommes too you know.)

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to reanna)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 1:23:52 PM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nephandi

Aboute the only thing i use the world real to is to ask is this a real topas or a fake one?

Are there a fake topases? Now you got me worried. How can you tell the difference?

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to nephandi)

RE: "Real Doms" - 10/6/2005 1:29:32 PM

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

Please allow Me to add further to the confusion by asking what in the wide, wide world of sports is a topas??? I thought she had done a typo on that word.....

_____________________________

Love is a razor & I walk the line on that silver blade... slept in the dust with His daughter her eyes red with the slaughter of innocence... The evil that men do lives on & on.
~ Iron Maiden

(in reply to Kasia)

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