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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 1:09:57 PM

khem

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lol If I heard someone called "rugman" I'd think they were fond of pubic hair...

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 5:36:32 PM

MsStarlett

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*giggle* Khem!

I have doormat. I love my doormat. He's very special. He likes to be walked on (trampled), humiliated, treated like dirt, never ever wants sex, has a foot fetish, loves watersports, lives for CBT... He's just awesome! Gets me all hot and wiggly just thinking of him.

Wonder if he's on line?

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 6:56:27 PM

bobipanti

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I feel that no individual male or female wants to be treated as a "doormat ". I also feel that no true human being should treat another human or animal as a doormat. Life is too short and too important to be treated in such a barbaric manner Kindness works better than wipping one's shoes on a live creature.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 7:07:14 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Trampling is fun! Consenusal fetishes are the tits, if both parties are into it!

Passive-aggressive types are not.

I do think that the ones who protest their lack of doormatness are already starting out with a chip on their shoulder, kind of like the ones who adamantly proclaim against any kind of payment. (those are the ones who won't pay for dinner!)

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 7:18:16 PM

Fischen

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I think I have a solution ... If anyone ever says to you, "You're a doormat", deck them with a baseball bat, then take pictures. Submit your proof ... You'll never have to say the words, "I'm not a doormat" ever again ...

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 7:18:23 PM

MsStarlett

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bobipanti

I feel that no individual male or female wants to be treated as a "doormat ".

You just haven't found the right one yet. Mine is fantastic! He's the regional manager of a big company. His work is very stressful as he is the person who carries all the responsibility. He may get all the glory when things go right, but he's also the one who's head is on the chopping block when things go wrong. I believe that he has some deep seated need to be 'punished' for his imagined transgressions. He has a wife and loving family to give him all the praise and affection that he needs. That's not what he wants from me. I once asked him "After a long hard session, do you prefer to be cuddled and praised or left alone?" He answered swiftly "Oh NO Mistress! I want you to treat me like dirt!" Whatever his reasons are for his fetishes, they are very real needs to be mistreated. I feel lucky and blessed to have him.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 7:20:04 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Ms Starlett you really found a winner there! It's not easy to find someone who is actually uplifted by extreme treatment.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 7:26:59 PM

steffie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
I guess because they feel some women will look down on them. If a woman looks down on a man for showing her his inner self she isn't much of a Domme now is she? Because frankly to me thats a big part of a D/s relationship. Being able to trust someone enough to let down the walls and get past all the conditioning to show them the real person that lies beneath.

Lady Lashra, I think you hit the nail firmly on the head. Well said.

That's the big fear for these males. That by submitting to her in every way, she'll lose respect for him. That, the more he gives up his free will and submits to Her will, she'll ultimately think he's a spineless, worthless piece of trash and eventually toss him out in the garbage. There are a lot of insecure males out there that will think this way.

It's like the trust issue. Without trust, there can be no love. For these men, they fear that without respect, there can be no love.

The thing they don't realize -is that the good Dominant woman does respect him. She see his submission as an act of love. Nor are they apt to destroy the thing they love.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 7:36:33 PM

Leatherist

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"Real men don't submit to women".

They are bugged by that stereotype. It's overcompensation.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 8:15:03 PM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictory I translate this into:

1) I'm only ever going to do exactly what I want to do,
2) I'm going to be very passive-aggressive about what I want from you, my top.
3) I'm harboring some grudge/wound that prevents me trusting you

I am not convinced that whenever a sub makes such a claim, this equivalence holds.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictoryNo one right way, just a right way for me, and for you. Best of luck.

As long as you don't project this approach--that your sub has an inequal, lesser status--on subs you encounter with whom you have not negotiated equality, your approach is fair enough. I don't suggest that you make such a projection. I add my point because I have encountered an attitude in some dominants that all submissives have a lesser social status than they do.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 8:15:11 PM

atursvcMaam

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i once offered to be a doormat provided that She would not wear panties. That question ended rather quickly.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/20/2008 8:16:22 PM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bobipanti
Life is too short and too important to be treated in such a barbaric manner Kindness works better than wipping one's shoes on a live creature.

And for some the act of wiping one's shoes, literally or figuratively, on such a person is an act of kindness to that person ;-) I think consent is the key issue here.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 4/20/2008 8:17:09 PM >

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 4:39:42 AM

MadameMarque

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It's simple. Being submissive and/or masochistic is generally thought of as undesirable and weak. It is, after all, by definition, a state of less power than others, and of submitting one's power to others, often with other "undesirable" treatment by others, thrown in - torture, humiliation, discipline, restraint, being controlled, at the whim of another - is anyone else getting excited, yet?

Understandably, people who come out as submissive or masochists are concerned that others don't misunderstand them. They want other people to know, 'I still have self-respect,' 'I'm not looking for real, pathological abuse (only the fun kind, to be delineated),' 'Just because I say I'm submissive, all this other stuff you might assume about submissives, isn't to be assumed about me.'

And isn't it true that a lot of people who identify as dominants do have that unwanted attitude toward submissives and masochists?

One of the major disconnects that you see over and over again, is that upon first contact or first meeting, one person in the BDSM dynamic starts out in role or in scene, while the other person is starting from a neutral, equal, 'let's get to know each other' place.

How many times, on here, have you seen submissives complaining that dominants are approaching them with disrespect and presumption? It's not so unrealistic for a submissive to try to proactively address this, in their profile.

< Message edited by MadameMarque -- 4/21/2008 4:40:26 AM >

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 5:09:35 AM

MadameMarque

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A suggestion, though -

Though the 'I'm not a doormat'-type statements are understandable, I do not think they're the way to go. I would much more recommend positive statements, about what you do want, what you are like, who you are looking for.

Negative statements can become a self-fulfilling wish list, because it puts all the attention and focus on what you don't want.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 5:39:47 AM

pearlmoongirl

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This is an interesting thread, so I'd like to add my two cents because I still have 'I'm not a doormat' in my profile description.

I lurked on forums like these for a long, long time before I started posting, and - boot worship etc. aside - I saw some Dom/mes use the word 'doormat' to describe subs or slaves who are one hundred percent dependent straight out of the gate. Or, worse yet, that word was used to describe subs/slaves who are so broken that they have no self-esteem or boundaries at all, who are a danger to themselves and a frustration to Others.

So I made that 'doormat' reference in my own profile because I want to show that I am a functional person. I have quirks and needs and rough edges that need smoothing, but (I think) all within the range of normal.

~pmg

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 5:59:31 AM

AtlantaMistress

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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: bobipanti
Life is too short and too important to be treated in such a barbaric manner Kindness works better than wipping one's shoes on a live creature.

And for some the act of wiping one's shoes, literally or figuratively, on such a person is an act of kindness to that person ;-) I think consent is the key issue here.

Cheers,

Sea

You got it Sea - for those that like TRAMPLING - they would like nothing better than to be a DOORMAT. My boy brian LOVES IT - and I have offered him up to serve as a doormat at parties and events, for women to wipe their shoes off on his clean white briefs. We are even shooting a video where I tie him up on my patio, and get my feet all dirty just to use him to wipe them off. This is a distinct fetish for sure!!!

However, he is not at all the "doormat" that the subs that refer with a negative connotation. First of all, our relationship is the two way symbiotic, equal yet opposite kind. Although he would most likely do anything I would ask, I wouldn't think of taking advantage of him. If I did, I doubt we would be where we are today. he may prefer to please someone to avoid confrontation, but he simply chooses his battles, and I would never say he was "spineless" or as it seems the use of the word may imply. he is a single dad who moved to Atlanta several years ago with nothing but his car and computer...and has built himself a very nice life here. That required hard work (he has a work ethic rare in today's world) and strength of character.

Oh, and for the record...all real man...hmmm...he's working from home today...now that I am thinking about it, maybe I can wipe my shoes on him and get him in a "dirty" mood

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 6:15:01 AM

MySweetSubmssive

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When someone says that they are not a doormat, I hear warning bells chiming in the distance. This assertion often seems paired with pain or resistance around submitting that this is going to get worked out on me as a dominant. Uh oh.

I interpret this statement to mean, variously:

I feel conflicted or guilty about submitting.
I don't feel good about myself as a person.
I want to be forced. I am a "brat."
I have been hurt (perhaps many times) by dominants in the past, and you are going to have to prove you are not like them.

I've always been puzzled by the "doormat" statement because I don't see (good) submissives as doormats -- it's a non-issue for me. When someone says this about himself, it's an indication that we see D/s in very different, perhaps incompatible, ways.

My sweet spot is a man who is a vibrant, interesting person who also wants to ... (fill in filthy-delicious acts here). When this man describes himself and who he is looking for in his narrative, there's no reason to say he isn't a doormat, because it's very clear to me.

MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 4/21/2008 6:37:11 AM >

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 6:23:14 AM

Dnomyar

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My sentiments echo Dark Victorys.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 4:29:35 PM

MsStarlett

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Yes, LadyH. My boy is a true gem and very precious to me.

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RE: "I'm Not a Doormat" - 4/21/2008 4:50:56 PM

Politesub53

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

"Real men don't submit to women".

They are bugged by that stereotype. It's overcompensation.

This is probably very close to the truth. I have seen many profiles stating i am not looking for a doormat. To be honest, most submissives want to be seen as equal but just submissive, if that makes sense.

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