Kids and the Lifestyle

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Kids and the Lifestyle

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Kids and the Lifestyle

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Kids and the Lifestyle - 2/29/2004 7:45:18 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Many of you know me here now. At least in cyber space. You have an idea of who I am.

Anyway..myself and my Dominant are engaged. Both of us are older now. Older...geez. Hehe..anyway. Up until now neither of us had thought within ourselves we found the right people to have children with.
From time to time we talk about having a child now. Perhaps adopt one. Well, maybe have one biologically. As you can see we talk but haven't made any real plans yet. We have to be ready for the responsibility of parenthood. We both do it part time now with nieces and nephews but your own well that is a whole other story.

So, onto my question. If you have a child. How do you cope in a day to day life? I almost responded to the balancing vanilla and D/s but figured I would get a better response by posting a brand new question.

I've always felt I was born in the wrong century. I like the man being the man of the house. Its what I crave. I have no problem doing as told to do. I know..this is just my feelings and who I am.
With today's society being what it is. I wonder. If we had children would they be better people? Because we would have discipline within our home. Even if the child never saw mommy and daddy...the child would still know you obey the father or you suffer the consequences. In my mind, we would have a good child.
Yet I may be wrong. Which is why I'm seeking input here? We just want to make the most informed decision. We are talking about it and we will continue.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Gloria

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 2/29/2004 8:23:51 PM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

Hi Gloria,

When I met Master, he was almost 34, had never been married, and had no children. I had just turned 37 and had two teen sons from my first marriage that lived with thier father (another story). I love children, but I didn't plan on really having anymore, because, on top of everything else, I had fertility problems and complicated pregnancies.

Master accepted that, but we also discussed adopting. Instead, we ended up taking our godson in 5 months ago after his mother became addicted to meth. She was living with us when he was born, and lived with us until he was 5 months old, so we have always known and loved Race. Unfortunately, we have little *legal* standing in what is going on, but we are working on getting permanent custody.

Anyway, that being all irrelevant other than to say I agree that it is better for a child to be raised in a home with discipline. But that is only a small part of what growing up in a home that is lifestyle. He will learn trust, rules, and see an adult relationship filled with love and honor. How could that be bad?

As far as *activities* go, children change things in just being there. But, play behind closed doors is no more their concern than our parents vanilla sex life was ours. And lots of kids grow up hearing the word *Sir*,, I am one of MANY military brats I know :)

Sandy

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 3/1/2004 8:39:51 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EStrict

Anyway, that being all irrelevant other than to say I agree that it is better for a child to be raised in a home with discipline. But that is only a small part of what growing up in a home that is lifestyle. He will learn trust, rules, and see an adult relationship filled with love and honor. How could that be bad?

As far as *activities* go, children change things in just being there. But, play behind closed doors is no more their concern than our parents vanilla sex life was ours. And lots of kids grow up hearing the word *Sir*,, I am one of MANY military brats I know :)

Sandy

Sandy,
Thanks for the thoughts. Inspirations I should say. I totally understand about the children issue. My brother has 6 kids...and I never had any because I knew they would need parents someday. Two have lived with me full time for 4 years now. The last two smaller ones...well they just have'nt been thrown out yet. My Dom..is'nt used to having a housefull of kids. Yet at the same time he talks about wanting our own. I guess it would be different.
We have our hands full already. I can't say as the lifestyle is changing a lot. But then again if we raised them in our home from day one. I can't imagine the lifestyle not having a significant impact on them.
We actually take the oldest boy to the munches. He is 19. Can't say as though..even though we try to treat him like an adult. Can't say as he truly knows what the lifestyle is yet. I prefer to be open and honest..but when they are ready. I'm not sure thats the right way to parent either. So far it seems to be working ok.
Anyway..thank you for the response. It gives me something to think further about.

(in reply to EStrict)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 3/16/2004 9:20:28 AM

LadyJeannie

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

From my perspective, D/s can offer a strong basis of love and respect as well as structure, discipline, accountability, understanding, openmindedness, responsibility...gee I can see where someone on the outside might be concerned about those in the D/s lifestyle being parents!! My God! Just imagine if children learned to respect authority! The horror! *grin*

Seriously, our children grew up in a poly, D/s home (regardless of the fact that we didn't necessarily know what it was or call it that.) But looking back, they both acknowledge that they now understand the dynamics at work, and it gives them wonderful insights into what my lifestyle now entails. To be brief, our kids grew up in a home in which I was the dominant partner, my husband the submissive partner, our poly status just gave them a much loved and cherished second mom in the family, nothing seemed "weird" to them. To date, neither of them has climbed a clocktower with a firearm, both went through their tumultuous teens, survived the ordeal, and are on their own paths for being bright, wonderful and productive members of society. Being in this lifestyle doesn't innoculate us from having children who are susceptible to bad choices, hard lessons, and growth experiences. What it does, I believe, is give us valuable tools for coping with those. How we as parents wield those tools is strictly up to us.

My "kids" are now grown and please Goddess, the last one will be leaving the home very soon (again). They take with them all we could give them in love and nurturing. We accepted them as individuals, tried like hell to change them into what we wanted, (laughing) and then simply conceded to a force more powerful than we were. MTV. *grin*

With their father's passing a few years ago, things got very rocky, because the stabilizing balance we had all known, disintegrated. We had to stumble, falter, fail, start again, work hard, and love each other sometimes in spite of it all. That's not "alternative lifestyle parenting"....it's just "Parenting". Was it an ideal? A perfect "Father Knows Best" or "Leave It To Beaver" scenario? Did we have Stepford children and idyllic lives? Nope. It was just life as we lived it, and so far, no one's suing me for their childhood, so I'm hopeful....and the statute of limitations expires soon.

To address a question that always gets asked...Did we ever get caught? Of course! The toys got found, questions were asked, and because the kids were fairly young, "That's none of your concern" was a perfectly acceptable answer for us. But then, they didn't freak over that answer, because there are many things that simply aren't a child's business--finances, business practices, personal issues, sexual issues. ~~ Jeannie

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 3/29/2004 7:03:52 AM

Gabrielle

Posts: 34
Joined: 3/27/2004
Status: offline

Kids can be a difficult issue. I married my master three years ago, and brought my two children into the marriage. We were just beginning in our D/s lifestyle, and yes I was worried about the influence. But as others have said, my children have, do, and will continue to learn the tremendous respect between a husband and wife. I "gave" my children to my Master soon after we were married. I have control of them as long as he is at work with the simple things. But really bad behaviour and great praise when earned is left for when he gets home. I support all his decisions and we present a 100% unified front. Should I ever disagree with his handling of the children (I am more experienced with children being a nanny for 10 years) I always wait until the children are not around and I ask his permission to speak freely. He always takes what I have to say to heart and often he sees that I am right. However, should he ever disagree with me, I live with that and I respect his stance on whatever the issue may be.

As far as our own interactions, the children see that I take care of him in any way I can and he does the same for me. A submissive has great worth, don't ever let anyone tell you different. He worships me as I worship him, we just know our places. My children see that if a man is a MAN that deserves respect and takes responsibility as he is born to do, than He should get that respect from his wife. He is head of the house, my children know this. They do not question it. I call him sir, or daddy. My kids once asked why I call him daddy and I simply said that it is because he takes care of me with the same deep love a father would give his child. My daughter now calls him daddy when just 6 months she wouldn't. She sees that he deserves all that I give him and she is only 5. My son, who is 8, will forever be devoted to his own father and thats fine too.

As for "play" we do it behind closed doors. The children are asleep or at their father's house. Granted, there are things we cannot do or roads we cannot travel at this point. There is only so far he can take me into my submission simply for reasons of practicality. A master must allow some liberties when small children are involved. In my heart, always, I serve him and there are few decisions I make without him. The decisions I do make will be relinquised to him when the children are grown.

What I am trying to say is that children are a blessing. They deserve to be raised in a proper home where the man is head of household and the woman supports him. They deserve to see the loving bond between husband and wife that so many children are cheated of these days. The sacrifices made between Master Submissive are worth it. I honestly think that we are setting a very good example. My son is learning how to treat a woman with respect and tenderness. My daughter is learning that a WORTHY man deserves all she can give him.

(in reply to LadyJeannie)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 3/29/2004 8:53:47 AM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have a different perspective.

There was a time when children were so not a part of my potential future I never worried much about it. That has since changed .. I dont currently have any.. nor do I intend but in the realm of potential it is a possibility; however unlikely. So I have given a great deal of thought to it because for me Mastery is about responsibility.

I dont think kids have any business in a D/s mono, poly, mulitple play partner or any potential scenario. For me the responsibility of parenthood is absolute. It is the number one priority that a person takes on. You have within that child an unlimited potential and you are responsible for doing everything you can to foster that to fruitition. That means that they deserve an environment that is child focused; not Adult centered. To me D/s is definately Adult centered activity: It is a lifestyle choice. I understand that many feel that they are born to; I do to but its is still a choice we all make.

If you want to raise your child in a *traditional* household ok.. if you want to play a bit of spank and tickle in the bedroom after the lights are out ok or visit a dungeon while the kids are home safe ensconced with Walt and a babysitter GREAT!!!. But living withing the confined boundries of D/s as I believe it to be in which Master is Master and not honey and dear and sweetie poo.. and slave is slave .. not snooky and snugglebunny.. then no children need never be changed by the choices I as an adult choosen to make. Thats just how I feel.. everyone has to make their own choices. I choose not to change the potential of any child that I might have by exposing them to choices I make in my Adult centered universe.

< Message edited by Sylverdawn -- 3/29/2004 8:57:36 AM >

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 3/29/2004 3:28:43 PM

iwillserveu

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Gloria,

I'm responding to questions you did not ask.

As a dad I see my kids as my first responsibility. I assume my Mistress is an adult and understands that I have to go to birthday parties, etc. Even if the dance recital falls on our usual "play" night, I HAVE to go to the dance recital.

If she does not uderstand this, then I guess we are not a good match. (No loss, I perfer an adult Mistress.:))

I also have to pay attention to my kids to the point where I seemingly ignore My Mistress. The kids MUST know they come first.

It also must be clear that nice woman who is with Daddy a lot is not going to replace Mommy.

So far that woirks in vanilla too.

The one BDSM thing I'd add is the need for deniability. I don't want my son to be picked on at the play ground because his Daddy gets tied up and spanked.

As for your situation, having kids seeing a loving relationship, and yes D/s is a relationship, is a good thing. Just remember to lock the Bedroom door.

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 4/5/2004 6:02:09 PM

confusetheswede

Posts: 48
Joined: 4/5/2004
From: THE DIRTY DIRTY
Status: offline

kids don't belong in that enviroment. plain and simple. don't be a fool.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 4/5/2004 7:47:22 PM

MistressKiss

Posts: 295
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I think that it is OK for children to see the subtle lifestyle gestures that a submissive makes toward the Dominant. Respect, caring, even service to a degree. Where I have an issue is kneeling openly, calling the Dominant "Sir", etc. Here is why I say this...

Even with some of the subtle details, children learn what they see. If they grow up seeing more than they really should from the lifestyle, they may assume that all things are this way and be in for a rude awakening. Also, I feel it unfairly influences the child toward the submissive mindset. I have an eight year old daughter. I think that the tools she needs to survive the outside world and today's relationships are not best served by demonstrating an open life of submission. Kids don't get the whole picture and there is just no way for young children to understand fully the dynamic of it. My 22 year old knows basically about my lifestyle, but not in detail and he doesn't want to know. (Interestingly, he feels I need to know everything about his sex life - go figure!)

I heard it put once that doing public things, even wearing a collar in public or saying "Sir" exposes others to your kink - either willingly in a lifestyle-friendly place or unwillingly in most public places. It isn't right to expose people to the lifestyle that you have no idea will or won't be offended. Subtle things are fine, I think, but I feel the environment is so important as to where kink is practiced.

I would keep it in the bedroom behind locked doors.

Interesting side note: My now 13-year-old son once told my former Master/husband that he had great weapons. The floggers were left out. We had to explain that....somehow.
Interesting that he saw them as weapons, not a device to give me sexual pleasure. That just goes to show why it's best to keep it on the down low where kids are involved. They don't have the same perspective.

Please attach the usual "IMHO" disclaimer to this post. Your kink may differ.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Kids and the Lifestyle - 4/14/2004 6:56:40 PM

Gabrielle

Posts: 34
Joined: 3/27/2004
Status: offline

Since when did addressing someone you respect as 'Sir' become unacceptable? And how is this exposing my children to D/s? I expect terms of respect from my children under certain circumstances, mainly to know that what I have said has been heard, not to establish dominance. I expect my children to call other adults Ma'am, Miss, or Sir until that adult tells them something otherwise. I do not believe this embedding a mindset of submissiveness, this is teaching respect for other human beings, at least until they prove themselves unworthy of respect.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 10