RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much?

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/1/2009 2:33:41 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

Poly is hard. That's the dirty little secret in all this that people don't want to confront. It is in fact harder than conventional marriage or even same-sex couples. One reason we have so many words for these relationships, and so many different "flavors" of what we do, is that it reflects smart, caring people (usually) working out something that isn't easy to do. And again, without roadmaps and die-cut models of how to behave, you have to rely on your self, your fundamental integrity and the love and respect of your partners (and one hopes, their integrity).

This is a myth of Poly that it is somehow harder than the more traditional relationships. Granted there are challenges that are "Different" than traditional relationships just because they are different doesn't make them harder!

Anything appears hard or difficult when one does have a road map or directions on who to make it happen. Ironically as someone that has been involved in poly for sometime.. I am more and more surprized how similiar it is to monogamist relationships. Basic relationships skills don't change just because you add another person to the mix. You don't need special skills to have a successful poly-relationship any more than you require for a monogamist relationship.

Yes.. Poly-dynamics will have different choices and situations to deal with that monogamists relationships. But.. this is also true that relationships in general will have different choices and situations to deal with compared to another relationship. The skills to make informed decisions for the betterment of an individual is just as needed in a monogamist relationship as a poly relationship. Bad decisions or uninformed decisions are just as harmful to a monogamist relationship as a poly-relationship. Poor communication in a Monogamist relationship is going to be just as damanging as it would be in a poly-relationsip. Unrealistic expectations is going to be just a damaging to a monogamist relationship as it would be to a poly-relationship.

The reality is that 50% of monogamist relationships that make a life long commitment actually fail.   It is hardly suprizing that poly-relationships would have a higher failure rate since the same pool of people (society as whole)that enter into monogamist is the same pool of people that is drawn upon to build these poly-relationships. 50% of the pool is going to have a failed relationship and when you are going to the pool for 3 people.. the odds are against you that you are going to get 3 individuals that are part of the 50% that succeed as compared to the 50% that fail. It would only take you getting one person from the failed group that would raise your risk of failure as a relationship.

Poly-relationship succeed not because they do something different.. but they are individuals that use the same skills that people who have successful Monogamist relationships use. If you want to have a successful poly-relationship.. I suggest you look at why you are having a successful monogamist relationship. As far as the OP goes... look to your relationship with your Husband. Look to why it is working for the two of you. Any person coming into your life is going to have some striking similiarities to the two of you. They will also have some differences. But.. the reasons why your husband and yourself work is going to be the bases of why it will work with three. However, just because it is a basis doesn't make it complete. A different person is going to bring different choices. Some of those things will appeal to your husband and some will apeal to you. Don't be surprize that you will find your husband will be attracted to someone that has some similiar traits to yourself but will be equally drawn to things that will be different that you.   There is obvious things that you will seek that is different than your husband.. but when you look beyond what you do with the person and look at who they are as a person. I suspect the person you will be attracted to will have some strong similiarities to your husband.

In my view... in poly-dynamics it is the similariites of our various partners that have a attracting factor for us. But it is the embracing the differenences that will bind us together.   This to me is not unlike a monogamist relationship. We find a partner that we are attracted to and share some key things to ourselves.. but it is those differences that bind us to each other.

editted to add the following

For clarity... It is harder to "Find multiple Partners" compared to find a single partner and will often take more time. BUT when the fish is in the pan... it is not any harder to cook two fish than it is one. It just took you a little longer to get those two fish into that pan.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 1/1/2009 2:46:26 PM >

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/1/2009 3:47:19 PM

marie2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

mmmmmmmm a hot slut aching to please would be much more preferred *w*

Rawrr

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/1/2009 6:15:41 PM

Feliciasub

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i have read all the posts in this thread.

Being not sure what poly includes or not.... that is exactly why i consider myself mono. When someone will come up with an idea of a poly-relationship that is suitable for both of U/us then maybe i'll consider being poly.

''Tringle'' is the way i see a poly-relationship : All of the triangle's sides are attached to the other sides, All of this makes a strong relationship. there is no primary or secondary relationships.

BDSM or vanilla, to me having sexual activities outside the ''primary'' relationship is simply having an open relationship ( if the other partner knows about it ) otherwise, having sexual activities outside of the ''primary'' relationship behind your partner's back... THAT IS BEING UNFAITHFULL.

I hope Y/you understood my point of view... as a lot of people knows it here... my first language is french

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/2/2009 3:18:34 PM

Dewolfsslave

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Lots to consider, and from another who is taking the first steps toward finding a poly partner, I appreciate the collective wisdom and experience that you have all so generously shared. It seems to me that no matter who or how many people there are in a relationship, it always boils down to the same things, honesty and communication. Also patience, hard work, and a healthy measure of luck. To those who are making it work, my respect and felicitations, and to those of us who are still seeking... may this be our year!

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/2/2009 3:48:35 PM

Medfordslilpups

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I am a "second" or well "third" depending on how you look at it in the relationship. Anyway, I have not read through the entire thread but I have read some....

Here is what I have to say or well offer on my perspective:

All relationships are different. There is no set rules for a polyamorous relationship, everyone makes it their own. Just like Master/slave there is no set guidline for how the relationship will go. When I came into the relationship with my Master and sis, I can tell you that none of us knew that the relationship would go as far as it did and none of us realized that we would all fall in love.

I know I am a second, and I know where I stand in the relationship, but I am ok with that because I know I am loved and I love them. I also know that we aren't going to stop the relationship because one person doesn't like something. I know we will talk about it and work through it and make the necessary changes. Like many have said, you need to have communication to have an effective relationship. My slave sister and I are both bi-sexual so for us that is an added bonus and also helps in not feeling left out. But if my Master and sis need alone time, I'm not going to go oh-boo-hoo in a corner.

To the OP....When you both go to find your secondary relationships, I strongly advise you tell the person up front what it is that you are looking for, because in the end if you don't and things go wrong, you could really end up hurting someone. I can't remember who said it on here, but someone said, would you be able to abide by those rules if you were in the second or thirds position??

Its very different from here, and I truly do wish you the best in finding your secondary partners. And I personally would not advertise you are looking for a Polyamorous relationship, as you have read there are a lot of ways "Poly" can be defined, so I would really be clear with the perspective partners what it is you seek.

Best wishes,

-lilpeanut (I'm the younger one listed in my profile with my sis)

PS. I am sorry if any of that was redundant.

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/2/2009 6:06:03 PM

loveandlight87

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OP – I am in a situation where I would be commonly referred to as the third in a V. We are fairly private, but feel free to C-mail me and I would be happy to share more.

Sufficed to say, what you are looking for is entirely possible.

love

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/2/2009 8:30:03 PM

Jeptha

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You seem pretty clear about what you want and you write well. I'd say your chances are pretty good, if you are patient and a little persistent.
You're situation is not so unusual.
It's not hard to imagine that being a good fit for someone.

It might depend somewhat on where you live...anyway, I don't think you're expecting too much.

Good luck!

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RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/3/2009 4:22:14 PM

sleeper798

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To the OP, you are not looking for pie in the sky in my opinion. As a "third", I am in the process of building a loving triangle with a happily married poly couple where the wife is bi. So go for it. Just be aware, and know thyself, so that when issues come up, they can be addressed. "Ending" any extra relationships would be a last resort, hopefully, after all those involved had truly put forth their best effort without being able to solve the problem. Good luck!

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