A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much?

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A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much?

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A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 3:07:51 PM

xwanderlustx

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My husband and I are newcomers to poly, and we're afraid that we're expecting too much. We have been married for 3 years, and we're still very in love and committed to eachother, but we're both ready to utilize our bisexual sides. I'm submissive to him, but I want my own female sub/lover who will occasionally also be with him (always with me there), and he wants his own pet boy that I have no interest in being more than friends with. In our perfect world, we would be one big happy family. However, we've laid down the law that our relationship will always be first, and that the additions have to understand that. If either one of us is uncomfortable with the other's relationship, they'll have to either fix it or end it. We realize that it isn't exactly fair to tell someone that they'll never be first to the one they love, but it's the only way it will work for us. Is it at all realistic to think we'll find someone that understands and accepts that? Are there any thirds out there that can give us your point of view about not being a primary partner?

Thanks in advance,
~Brittany

Post #: 1

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 3:48:41 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
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It has to work for everyone and as long as everyone is aware of the rules going in you should be fine.

Mike

(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 2

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 3:52:26 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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I wouldn't say you are expecting too much - it's what will work for you! I'd probably guess you'll have more luck with "no strings attached" lovers and fuck buddies. I could very well be wrong though. I've come to discover I'm not really a big fan of the term "third".

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 3

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 4:03:09 PM

marie2

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From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xwanderlustx

However, we've laid down the law that our relationship will always be first, and that the additions have to understand that. If either one of us is uncomfortable with the other's relationship, they'll have to either fix it or end it. We realize that it isn't exactly fair to tell someone that they'll never be first to the one they love, but it's the only way it will work for us.

I think it's all good to want what you want, but to read what you just wrote, I can't imagine why anyone would want to join in a relationship where you're basically saying "you'll always be a second class citizen in this relationship" "you'll never be an integral part of this" "you'll never have the same value or importance as me and him" etc.

Who would want to sign up for that? Would you?

quote:

Is it at all realistic to think we'll find someone that understands and accepts that?

Anything is possible, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

quote:

Are there any thirds out there that can give us your point of view about not being a primary partner?

My thoughs are this: When you've reached a point of feeling secure, when you don't feel the need to open a dialogue with a potential partner by telling them that they'll always come second, then you'll be ready to open your heart to the possibility of a triad or quad where each person will be valued and respected as an important part of the relationship. Until then, my guess is that you'll be coming up empty.

(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 4

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 4:04:58 PM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
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Your expectations sound realistic and although I hesitate to proclaim anything normal, what you suggest is at the very least, typical. Although the addition will as you say never be #1, I would hate to say they would actually be an honest 2nd. They will, in my opinion, have the notoriety of being #2 to two people, which might just be more like a 1.25, not really a 2.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
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(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 5

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 4:44:26 PM

LadyPact

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I can't give you clip's perspective. Right now, he's on a plane to come here.

From the beginning, MisterP and Myself have always been very adamant about the fact that our primary relationship comes first. Any sub that is going to share our life with us has to realize where there is an "us" to begin with. That includes the love between us that it was founded on. No person coming in is going to change that.

It may be a lot to expect of someone. There very well may be people who can't accept that. Still, when someone does, they will be worth the wait.

_____________________________

"Come to the edge, She said.
He said that he was afraid.
Come to the edge, She said.
He came. She pushed him,
And he flew . . ."

http://NE2010.net

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 6

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 5:10:32 PM

Lordandmaster

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To the OP: think of the omega wolf. The omega wolf is the lowest-ranking member of the pack, submissive to every other pack member. And yet no wolf pack would survive without its omega. The omega's role is crucial.

That's the only way a third or beta (or whatever else you want to call it) could ever fit in with you over the long term. If you say "Our relationship comes first," then you have to ask yourself why anyone would ever want to join you for more than an occasional fuck. Why not say "We'll always be the dominant pair" instead? That leaves plenty of room for a submissive third to be submissive but still essential to your group.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 5:11:35 PM

xwanderlustx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

quote:

ORIGINAL: xwanderlustx

However, we've laid down the law that our relationship will always be first, and that the additions have to understand that. If either one of us is uncomfortable with the other's relationship, they'll have to either fix it or end it. We realize that it isn't exactly fair to tell someone that they'll never be first to the one they love, but it's the only way it will work for us.

I think it's all good to want what you want, but to read what you just wrote, I can't imagine why anyone would want to join in a relationship where you're basically saying "you'll always be a second class citizen in this relationship" "you'll never be an integral part of this" "you'll never have the same value or importance as me and him" etc.

Who would want to sign up for that? Would you?

quote:

Is it at all realistic to think we'll find someone that understands and accepts that?

Anything is possible, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

quote:

Are there any thirds out there that can give us your point of view about not being a primary partner?

My thoughs are this: When you've reached a point of feeling secure, when you don't feel the need to open a dialogue with a potential partner by telling them that they'll always come second, then you'll be ready to open your heart to the possibility of a triad or quad where each person will be valued and respected as an important part of the relationship. Until then, my guess is that you'll be coming up empty.

For the record, I'm not fond of the term "third" either, but I don't know any other simple way to put it. Please enlighten me if there is one.

I would never so much as say that those joining us would be "second class citizens", as that's rather insulting. All I'm trying to say is that my husband and I are (obviously) in a MARRIAGE, and I think that it would kind of come about that any relationship outside of that marriage would be secondary, correct? I won't speak for my husband's feelings about his pet boy, but as for my girl, I would hope to fall in love with her and care for her as I do for my husband, but she would have to understand that she could never replace him. She would be loved and respected in our relationship all the same. It would just be a different kind of "love", on a different level. As far as getting to a point where I've "reached a point of feeling secure, when you don't feel the need to open a dialogue with a potential partner by telling them that they'll always come second", I don't consider being upfront and honest with someone about a relationship's heirarchy as being insecure. I don't want to give someone false hope that one day they could perhaps win me over from my husband, or my husband over from me. I wouldn't feel comfortable NOT having that conversation, just to make sure all of the cards are on the table.

We haven't even started to actively look for anyone to join us, and neither of us have been in a poly relationship before. I know how solid our marriage is, however I also know that this type of thing can break a solid relationship if it goes awry. By giving eachother veto power from the get-go, we're just trying to enact some kind of fail-safe if we have issues come up, and that will hopefully save us from something disastrous.

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 8

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 6:05:43 PM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xwanderlustx
All I'm trying to say is that my husband and I are (obviously) in a MARRIAGE, and I think that it would kind of come about that any relationship outside of that marriage would be secondary, correct?

Not obviously and not correct for everyone. Speaking as the third person to join the relationship that I am in, the legal aspect of marriage between him and Alandra has no bearing on which relationship takes priority.

For us (and this may not work for others), the relationship between the three of us comes first. That is our priority and where we place our focus. The relationship that I have with him or with her comes second to the three. When I first met him, if he had told me what you plan to say, then I would have passed them by. It was not looking for a secondary relationship.

We have talked about what we would have to offer if a fourth person entered our relationship. We have looked at it from the perspective of could we meet their needs and give them what they need in order to have a fulfilling relationship with us. Right now, we just don't see that we have enough to offer a fourth person if they were to look to us to meet their primary relationship needs. The only way we could see it working is if we were a secondary relationship for them because that is all we have to offer at this point in our lives.

You are looking for a person that would be a secondary partner for you. Are you going to expect that they consider you their primary partner? Or will you allow them to find someone who can meet their primary relationship needs since you will not and consider you as secondary as well? What do you have to offer them to make them willing to be a part of your family?

*editing to add that there is a difference between saying "you will never come first" to "we will not allow a third partner to break our relationship up". With the first, you are saying that if the third is sick and needs to be taken care of but you and your husband had already made plans to go to a movie, that the third will not come first and you will go out with your husband. Is that really the message that you want to give?

Knight's Kyra

< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 12/28/2008 6:11:48 PM >

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 9

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/28/2008 7:54:23 PM

MaamJay

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Some good points there kyra, though I do feel that the relationship the 3 of you have established isn't typical, even if it is amazingly strong. However, you did give that caveat. From what I have seen, more often the married couple is the primary couple and others are secondary ... though that doesn't mean it has to be a negative. Instead I would see it more as sharing the love as parents manage to do for any number of children they might have. I would see placing the marriage as primary as being more about not replacing it with the other, not in being unkind or inconsiderate as your example would be in My eyes. If My sub was sick then Master would understand that My caring for him would take precedence over going to a movie with Master! In fact He would be disgusted if I suggested still going to the movie! I would also see "secondary" in the light of less burden ... an acknowledgement that you alone aren't trying to meet ALL of the other person's needs, that can be quite liberating! In My case, Master is my primary Dominant ... My sub (when I get him here!) would be My primary submissive. Neither would be secondary in their role, though there would be a Household hierarchy of King, Queen and prince! Being secondary doesn't have to be unloved!

So wanderlust, I don't think you're asking too much and I agree that it is best to be upfront first. Perhaps you will need to spell out clearly what primary and secondary mean to you both and ask what connotations it gives to the newcomers. Be less concerned with the label and more concerned with what it means and how it will play out in everyday life. Think of lots of scenarios and talk about them with hubby first as to what your responses would be ... then share those with potentials.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 10

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/29/2008 9:36:40 AM

Twicehappy2x

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

Your expectations sound realistic and although I hesitate to proclaim anything normal, what you suggest is at the very least, typical. They will, in my opinion, have the notoriety of being #2 to two people,

Gee, does that mean my nic should be twicehappy1.25?

Grins, Master mine, i can do a better explanation than that.

To the op; It is true that the way you've explained it might not be very attractive to some folks. It does kinda sound like the additions will always be 2nd class family members.

In reality if it is done right you eventually become a family of 3 or 4 or however many are involved.

It is true, Jewel is Scooter's only and therefore number one wife.

It is also true i am his only and therefore number one slave.

I do not want her place or obligations and she does not want mine.

Are we equally important to Scooter, absolutely, though in different ways. To take it even further Jewel and i are equally important to each other, though again, in different ways.

You can love another partner or partners just as much as the original one, but in a different manner. After all, not only are we different people but we also fill different roles.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 11

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/29/2008 11:53:17 AM

ShiftedJewel

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Well put twice... but I wanted to add to it. It is probably the most difficult thing in the world to make an outsider understand that the love you offer is just as real, just as important and just as substantial as the love you share with your husband. Yes, the primary relationship is important, we look at it as a strong foundation to build a strong home on. Without it all would crumble. But in the same respect, all the other parts of a house or home are just as important. Seriously... what good is a foundation with no walls? Ok, so I do a little construction here and there... but it seems to be a good analogy.

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 12

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/29/2008 12:35:23 PM

lapresence

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I think if you aren't looking to form an actual family, it may be much more difficult and AquaticSub may be right, that you may have more luck with "no strings" or a fuck buddy. I say this not to belittle what you both seek, but simply because then everyone's objective is to strengthen everyone else's roles and relationships. I think you are definately on the right track, being totally upfront and honest in what you seek. And it certainly won't be for everyone, but there are people who want what you are offering. So I certainly see potential to find exactly what you are looking for in your relationships.

For my own part, all I can tell you is that I am looking forward to being part of this poly family I've joined. I'm beta, but I love both my Master and his alpha. And because I love them both, I want their relationship to be strong and full of love. We are still working on building the family; his alpha has children, still living with her ex, works and is in nursing school (super busy). So I will do things like cover for her at work or doing a pet sit so that she can go and see Master. I'm happy when they are happy, sad when they are sad, etc. And vice versa. I've cried more than once on her shoulder because Master was too busy to see me for several weeks. And she's covered for me as well, if I'm going to be late to work, etc.

We are very blessed in that everyone loves each other and we want all aspects of the relationship to work. Be it Master and his alpha, Master and myself, and his alpha and myself. Ironically I came in to the relationship already loving his alpha and just interested in seeing what he was like.

(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 13

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/29/2008 3:15:27 PM

Vendaval

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to the Forums, wanderlust.

I highly recommend finding a poly group or two within easy driving distance where you can socialize and meet other poly folks. Get to know some people who have poly relationships and families in real time and listen, observe, ask questions and learn.

There is a fine line between over-thinking the whole process and not thinking about it enough.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 14

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/31/2008 5:53:45 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: xwanderlustx
All I'm trying to say is that my husband and I are (obviously) in a MARRIAGE, and I think that it would kind of come about that any relationship outside of that marriage would be secondary, correct?

Not obviously and not correct for everyone. Speaking as the third person to join the relationship that I am in, the legal aspect of marriage between him and Alandra has no bearing on which relationship takes priority.

For us (and this may not work for others), the relationship between the three of us comes first. That is our priority and where we place our focus. The relationship that I have with him or with her comes second to the three. When I first met him, if he had told me what you plan to say, then I would have passed them by. It was not looking for a secondary relationship.

We have talked about what we would have to offer if a fourth person entered our relationship. We have looked at it from the perspective of could we meet their needs and give them what they need in order to have a fulfilling relationship with us. Right now, we just don't see that we have enough to offer a fourth person if they were to look to us to meet their primary relationship needs. The only way we could see it working is if we were a secondary relationship for them because that is all we have to offer at this point in our lives.

You are looking for a person that would be a secondary partner for you. Are you going to expect that they consider you their primary partner? Or will you allow them to find someone who can meet their primary relationship needs since you will not and consider you as secondary as well? What do you have to offer them to make them willing to be a part of your family?

*editing to add that there is a difference between saying "you will never come first" to "we will not allow a third partner to break our relationship up". With the first, you are saying that if the third is sick and needs to be taken care of but you and your husband had already made plans to go to a movie, that the third will not come first and you will go out with your husband. Is that really the message that you want to give?

Knight's Kyra

Thanks for saying so well what my sleep-deprived brain was trying to figure out how to say. I hope the OP comes back to read it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 15

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 12/31/2008 8:39:21 AM

DavanKael

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Hi, Brittany----
This has been an interesting thread thus far, thank you for starting it.
Folks hve made some important distinctions, I think, for you in terms of ways of viewing the 3rd person.
When I was part of poly- relationships within my marriage, relationships outside of our own came second. The closest, for me, to anything otherwise was entirely platonic for my husband and the other, and that person had more of a primary status for and with me than secondary. He still had a lot of discomforts about sharing.
After my separation, I was the third in a relationship (I did not relate sexually with the female) and was ultimately, as I stated I was concerned about going in, treated as optional.
In my opinion, if a person is going to be a non-primary third partner, their happiness is likely to be served by having a partner of their own. I will say, along with this, that I am a very Alpha female and being third was a challenge for me, especially in light of a female I viewed as obnoxious and inferior, though I deferred to her status as mother and wife as I was a wife for more years than she has been and dealt with people coming into my relationship in the way that I was coming ino hers and her husband's (At least in some ways). Her husband showed potential to be able to balance more than one partnered relationship but he ultimately chose not to live upto the challenge.
It's not an easy road to walk. Honestly, I think that status as a non-primary third is a sh!t status (Or lack there-of), though there are others who I am sure disagree and I respect their stances.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
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-Me

Waiting is

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(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 16

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/1/2009 5:40:20 AM

xwanderlustx

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Thank you for all the replies. I probably should have gone more in depth to my feelings on the sitation to make things a little bit more clear, but I guess that's my own fault! When I say that my husband will always come first, I do mean in the aspect that "no one will ever come between us". I'm not planning on treating our secondary partners as second class or neglecting them just to spend time with my husband or anything of the sort. I've always been more attracted to women than men, but the love of my life just happened to be a man, so in a sense my new girl would be my primary female partner. Just a smidge below my husband in "rank" per se. I feel like being with a woman is integral to who I am, so she would still be very important to me. Because we're so new to poly, I'm just really afraid of something going wrong and it splitting us up. That's the only reason we've said that if we have a major problem with the other's new partner, something has to be done about it. Of course, we would work on things first and see if we can come to some kind of solution, but if it's a "dealbreaker", then they'll have to go.

As far as the whole "if the third is sick I would leave them and keep my movie plans with the husband" thing, absolutely not! I'm still going to care about them as a person just as much, and I would never treat someone I cared about that way. I know it's asking a lot of someone to be "second" at all, but I'm just hoping that there will be enough love to go around to keep everyone happy. Even though they're "second", their feelings and thoughts will still always be considered, especially once we get to a permanent, live-in basis.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 17

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/1/2009 9:22:49 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
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From: St George Utah
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Alrighty, time to chime in.

First off lets not call this Poly. Lets call this what it really is, extra sexual partners who help you get all your sexual desires out whom you also have minor feelings for.

Why not call it Poly? Because Poly requires Love and Understanding and Respect for the OTHERS relationships. In your OP you state that if any member of the primary party were unhappy then the other would have to fix it or end it. This means that no member who joins your family will ever be as important as the Primary Relationship. If this is the case then I now ask the next question, Who would you hold a Monopoly on Happiness? If you are happy with your husband/master/partner and those restrictions do not fall onto you then how can anyone who joins your house ever feel as though they are part of it?

I may be sounding harsh but that isn't what I am attempting. In reality what I am trying to do is get you to understand just how selfish what you are suggesting is. You are asking another Human Being to be happy and okay with the fact that their Purpose is as a Sexual Outlet for each of your Bisexual Tendencies. You have removed thier worth as a HUMAN when you determined that if they do something you don't like then it needs to be corrected or ended. Would YOU ever live by these rules?

Now Mind you this may all be in the wording I used to say something similar, and the blanket statement used to get the same back fire. I used to say that no matter what should the relationship fail I would end up with Andi. This saying elucidated to an idea that no matter who was in my life would be disposable as in the end for all their work they would be the one not chosen. This is not however what I meant. As it stands this very second as there is no one in my home other than andi and myself, should someone new come into the relationship and get it in her head that she could come between andi and I and get andi out of the picture then the person causing the major issue would be the new girl and therfore she would be ejected. Should Andi decide that she wants to change the rules of our D/s Relationship and pull the "I don't wanna be Poly" card then I would have to make a decision on what is more important, Being who I am, or maintaining my repsonsibilities to the marriage and the family. Having never been so close as to have to answer that question I have NO IDEA how I would answer. But the Fact remains, Should the Primary Fail then a new one MUST be rebuilt.

This is how I see it and it can get a little confusing, if you cannot follow along then I will need you to mail me a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope so I can draw you a map.

The Primary relationship consists of Andi and I, We have Built a Foundation, we have sculpted it over time and we have learned how to manage each others wants and needs in the time line that we have and maintain relative order and happiness.

We decide to Work on a Secondary Relationship, and using the Foundation Metaphor we are Building onto the existing Foundation. This Created a WHOLE NEW STRUCTURE. In this Secondary Relationship all things need to be rebuilt. The Relationship dynamic changes to 4 different relationships all of which are different from the Primary relationmship. Lets call the new girl Mary. So Now a new relationship needs to be forged between Mary and I, While at the same time a new relationship needs to be forged between Mary and Andi, And equally a new relationship needs to be forged between Andi and Mary and I all together as a Unit. And the Forth relationship that needs to be forged? The NEW one between Andi and I in which there is now less ability to focus solely on the other. Andi and I need to learn how to continue loving one another and maintain our little rituals while incorporating a new person into the fold. It is this NEW relationship that is what usually crumbles and is assumed that because it crumbled it must be over completely.

Without truely maintaining all these new relationships everything fails. The relationship you have with your Husband will change, it HAS TO, if it doesn't then you are negelcting the other person. Try to think about what it was like when your and your Husband FIRST got together, you spent EVERY MOMENT YOU COULD TOGETHER! Well why do you think the new person comeing in would not want that? So you have to make Adjustments in your time and schedule to make sure that no one is neglected. Neglect in my opinion, even more than Lack of Communication is the number one killer of Poly Relationships. Neglecting the fact that EVERYONE needs Nurturing and if you do not give each individual what they need then it all falls apart.

So Often the New Addition, The Third, the Mary or the Mark are treated like Sub-Humans that somehow because they are joining an already existing relationship that they should have less desires and be okay with less affection. It is this thinking that causes SO MANY relationships to fail. Especially D/s relationships, because if you are neglecting basic relationship needs where are you instilling the needed connections for Trust and Devotion?

Everyone has to be willing to work together. Even in "V" Type relationships, Everyone needs to be getting what they need and if those basic needs are not being met then you are neglecting that partner.

So wanderlust, here is my take on what you guys got going. If you want to experience your BiSexual Sides go to a Swingers club or find another couple who you can trust and give it a whirl, but if you are going to so Poly then take responsibility for the relationships you are starting and treat them with the same respect you would want if you were the one comeing into that relationship.

Steel

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(in reply to xwanderlustx)

Post #: 18

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/1/2009 9:24:23 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

quote:

ORIGINAL: xwanderlustx

However, we've laid down the law that our relationship will always be first, and that the additions have to understand that. If either one of us is uncomfortable with the other's relationship, they'll have to either fix it or end it. We realize that it isn't exactly fair to tell someone that they'll never be first to the one they love, but it's the only way it will work for us.

I think it's all good to want what you want, but to read what you just wrote, I can't imagine why anyone would want to join in a relationship where you're basically saying "you'll always be a second class citizen in this relationship" "you'll never be an integral part of this" "you'll never have the same value or importance as me and him" etc.

Actually yes some people do want just that. I was perfectally happy with just that arrangement. I didnt want to be anything other than what I was. I wanted my own space and my own time then slotting into their relationship when it suited us all and yet I still considered us a family.

I would say that its hard to find, you would have to be open to them having other partners I would expect and also I just dont see it working as a lifetime commitment. Eventually circumstances will change either the others will be seen as equal or the others will want a more 'solid' feeling relationship.

There is a differance between stating that the person has to fit in with your current relationship and saying that the person will always be second to it. All relationships will require compromise. Thats really important.

Oh and i dont mind the word third, but then I only use it when not in a poly relationship, when im in one normally the definitions break down a bit and really everyone is just in a relationship.

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(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 19

RE: A third's perspective? Are we expecting too much? - 1/1/2009 11:36:14 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Why not call it Poly? Because Poly requires Love and Understanding and Respect for the OTHERS relationships.

ahhhhhhhhh NO!!! "Poly" is nothing more than a person having multiple relationships simultaneously that may or maynot have varying types of intimacy between them.

Poly-sexual relationships are as the name indicates.. relationships that are prime motivation is sexually driven.

Polyamory relationship are primarily emotionally driven by feeling of love etc.

In most cases... peoples sexual and emotional drives are a part of all their relationships but that is not a universal truth.. but even when they are both part of the relationship there is more complexities than to simply consider it in one particular way.

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Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 20

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