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Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 12:29:51 AM

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Is it unusual for a sub to seek a purely defined asexual D/s relationship in order to avoid the uncertainty, fear and maybe shame that may accompany an undefined and potentially sexual relationship? Oh, yeah, well I know this guy...

yours

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May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 3:16:05 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

Is it unusual for a sub to seek a purely defined asexual D/s relationship in order to avoid the uncertainty, fear and maybe shame that may accompany an undefined and potentially sexual relationship?

Is it unusual for a submissive to seek an asexual relationship? Fairly, but I do know of those, like mine, that don't involve sex.

Is it unusual for a submissive to not seek a specific kind of relationship because they're afraid if it? No, not at all. Humans often avoid that which we fear and those things that potentially cause emotional pain. It's not very healthy, though.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 4:23:22 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

Is it unusual for a sub to seek a purely defined asexual D/s relationship in order to avoid the uncertainty, fear and maybe shame that may accompany an undefined and potentially sexual relationship? Oh, yeah, well I know this guy...

yours

I know that guy's brother. It was a handy re-direction for whatever psychological item was preventing his hard-on that day..

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 5:37:11 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

Is it unusual for a sub to seek a purely defined asexual D/s relationship in order to avoid the uncertainty, fear and maybe shame that may accompany an undefined and potentially sexual relationship?

Unusual, yes. Unheard of? no.
I had a few nonsexual relationships with submissives in my days before Fox. One was a gay male who served me, so there was not even any sexual tension there. He loved to serve, and I allowed him to.
There are also those to seek a purely defined D/s relationship simply becasue they want that level of definition in what they do and variations mess with their focus. Some think they cannot serve properly if they think about the sex that might happen.

DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 6:24:01 AM

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i know people that have asexal D/s relationships. They serve, they fulfill that need and desire to serve, and that is all they need. It wouldn't work for me.

Of course, at the same time, i've had a few initially, or at least, intended D/s relationships that wound up being ONLY sexual, so.... meh, nobody's perfect.

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Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 7:05:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Is it unusual for a submissive to seek an asexual relationship? Fairly, but I do know of those, like mine, that don't involve sex.

Is it unusual for a submissive to not seek a specific kind of relationship because they're afraid if it? No, not at all. Humans often avoid that which we fear and those things that potentially cause emotional pain. It's not very healthy, though.

Master Fire

Thank you. My sense is that this sort of thinking would tend to build up resentments that would eventually poke through somewhere else.

One of the things that prompted the question is the prevalence of chastity and orgasm control in profiles here. Not being totally familiar with these activities, I.. er.. my friend isn't sure if these are inherently sexual or non-sexual in their nature and practice.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 7:13:34 AM

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Not everyone seeks chastity -- or control -- out of fear. Be careful about judging the health of an act, instead of a motivation. If you avoid something due to fear, you rob yourself of the chance to work through whatever troubles you.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 8:00:31 AM

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You're only asking half a question. You're telling us what is NOT there. But you're not telling us what's left.

I have had two relationships with women that were not at all sexual, but involved mentoring and discipline as appropriate. They included spanking, but I did not consider them D/s relationships.

I've scened at play parties. Nonsexual play, definitely D/s but not really a relationship.

So what kind of relationship are you contemplating?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 8:08:54 AM

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It's really dependent on those involved in the relationship and what type of dynamic they want and need to be fulfilled. I think from my observations that the majority do have a sexual component, but I know of some that are asexual and they are very satisfied and fulfilled with that. It's what they want and prefer.

Maybe some do that "in order to avoid the uncertainty, fear and maybe shame that may accompany an undefined and potentially sexual relationship" as you say, but there are those also who have no desire for sex with their D/s and prefer it separately. It's just what they like and what works best for them.

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RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 8:53:11 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

So what kind of relationship are you contemplating?

OK, I suppose what I desire includes some shared "vanilla" interests (I don't like that term personally), shared kinks, a willingness on her part to push me to explore new areas outside of my comfort zone in and out of D/s, mental stimulation, physical attraction, sex, optimism. The hard question for me is what am I willing to settle for? And in doing so, am I then discounting her by deciding that she is less than what I desire? Since I am very much a realist, the pushing part is an important aspect, I think. (hmm, I seem to have completely forgotten about "my friend"

)

yours

< Message edited by YoursMistress -- 1/4/2009 9:01:54 AM >

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 10:13:45 AM

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Ok, I get that there would be a platonic friendship. But what else? Are you looking for her to set goals for you and enforce them, in a disciplinary mentoring relationship?Are you looking to be a service submissive to her?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/4/2009 1:35:21 PM

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Having never participated in such a relationship it is difficult to pin down specifically what it would look like if it was perfect to me. This is part of the reason why I think of settling for almost any relationship with someone that has much more experience to provide direction. I don't know if I'd be satisfied with just doing housework only, I tend to think not. There are things that know I like or would like to do. There are others that terrify me, but in such a way that I feel a curiosity behind the fear. Having someone draw that out of me would be rewarding I think. While having specific interests in common would be good, better would be me having an interest in pleasing and serving her, and her having an interest in me to push me into uncomfortable realms. Am I just going in a circle here?

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/5/2009 5:26:14 AM

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From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

One of the things that prompted the question is the prevalence of chastity and orgasm control in profiles here. Not being totally familiar with these activities, I.. er.. my friend isn't sure if these are inherently sexual or non-sexual in their nature and practice.

yours

Chastity and orgasm control fetishes are almost always, without fail, VERY sexual in nature. The only asexual chastity control I've ever done that wasn't sexual was when it was about the bondage of it. It was the only time I liked it, too, since I'm of the mind the only chastity my slave needs is just me saying, "Don't play with it."

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/5/2009 5:29:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

Am I just going in a circle here?

yours

More like trying to draw a circle without a compass. Try some stuff first and see what you like. Then you'll have a better idea about what you can and can't live without, so to speak.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/5/2009 6:24:14 AM

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Thank you very much. I'll try to relax and have fun for now. I do appreciate your insights.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/13/2009 5:59:20 PM

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I'm pretty sure that if I were in a D/s relationship at this point of my life, it would be best if it was largely asexual. Not that there's anything wrong with sex, but I don't have a lot of experience, and (at least as a sub), I think sex would have a complicating effect.

(in reply to YoursMistress)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/14/2009 8:56:47 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: YoursMistress

One of the things that prompted the question is the prevalence of chastity and orgasm control in profiles here. Not being totally familiar with these activities, I.. er.. my friend isn't sure if these are inherently sexual or non-sexual in their nature and practice.

yours

Chastity and orgasm control fetishes are almost always, without fail, VERY sexual in nature. The only asexual chastity control I've ever done that wasn't sexual was when it was about the bondage of it. It was the only time I liked it, too, since I'm of the mind the only chastity my slave needs is just me saying, "Don't play with it."

Master Fire

I agree with MasterFireMaam in principle. However, not everyone has the same definition of "sexual". Some reserve that word exclusively for sexual intercourse. Some include intercourse and oral sex, but nothing else. Some don't consider it sex unless orgasm is achieved. Some don't consider masturbation sex, some do. I use the word "sexual" in the same as MasterFireMaam, but for some others, I think the word "erotic" might fit better.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/14/2009 10:44:08 AM

Chgolostnlooking

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The only relationship I've ever had with a Dom women started asexually - she was looking for a sub person to clean her house. We did for for about 2 months before things got sexual.

I got a lot of satisfaction being in that asexual part of our relationship - and even when it moved to a sexual relationship we never lost that dynamic.

(in reply to hardbodysub)

RE: Asexual D/s Relationships - 1/14/2009 1:01:43 PM

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I have one relationship which does not contain *their* definition of sex. It's not what I would call asexual, but, it does have very clear boundaries and that is a good thing, even if it can be hard to live within those at times. Those boundaries are, for many reasons, very good for me, though.

For me, I think there will always be an element of the sexual in kink that I practise, it's just how I'm wired, but that does not mean that the two (+) of us will be engaging in an inherently sexual act.

(in reply to Chgolostnlooking)

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