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RE: "the unworthy" - 1/14/2009 11:01:50 PM

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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It has nothing to do with her, so phrases like, "She can do better," aren't the right phrases. These are what you're really feeling (yeah, I know, I don't truly know what you feel, but...). What's really going on is all about you: you feel unworthy of love/attention/positive things. It leads to the same kind of thing, a feeling of "less than", but knowing where it comes from can often lead you down a different path of discovery.

A few paths you might explore:
1) You're stuck in victim mode. This means that you create situations in your life where you can say, "What did I do to deserve this?" Often, that means something more akin to "Why me?" but, it can work the other way, too. You're so stuck as the victim that you really can't believe you'd EVER do anything worth deserving something GOOD. This feeds the ego by allowing you to, well, post these things and have people say, "But you're awesome!" You are awesome...you're just not acting like it.

2) Your saboteur is hard at work, finding any way to get things to fail...because you know they will...because you're not worth something going right. So, by focusing on how you feel she deserves someone better, you're creating that in your life by learning and/or remaining to be less than what she deserves.

3) Who DOES deserve you? Why?

4) Who do YOU deserve? Why?

5) Every time you have the thought that you are not worthy, deliberately stop and think the opposite. You will never change your thinking patterns unless you put new patterns into place.

I know some of this seems harsh, but you know me by now. I don't sugar coat often and I speak the truth as I see it. You ARE worthy. When you can learn how to work with ('cause you'll never get rid of them) the victim and saboteur archetypes, they'll be able to more easily point out these ego traps. I highly recommend Sacred Contracts by Carolyne Myss. You can find a lot of stuff about archetypes on myss.com as well.

Master Fire

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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to darchChylde)

RE: "the unworthy" - 1/14/2009 11:13:07 PM

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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Great post MasterFireMaam! Thank you for that web address... it looks very interesting! I think I am going to spend a good deal of time there tomorrow! I still want to get your book too... but the move and buying the place cash and all the break downs I had to wait... but I am still thinking of it and wanting it! Big time! lol I keep telling myself... soon.. soon! Maybe I wasn't ready for it yet and will get it when I am... hummm

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RE: "the unworthy" - 1/15/2009 9:45:30 AM

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Joined: 7/26/2007
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dC, I don't know you well, but from what I've learned about you from the boards, I think you're Worthy McWorthington.

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Don't believe everything you think...

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RE: "the unworthy" - 1/15/2009 11:27:29 AM

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
The trick is to stop the negative self talk. It is one thing to be cognizant of the fact that you can always strive to do your job better. It is another thing to let fear of not being good enough become a drain on the relationship. If you can remember that having a healthy self esteem will actually benefit the relationship then it is easier to stop the nasty worthless thoughts and to concentrate on the positives instead.

You are definitely not alone in this boat. : )

I fully agree with you chamberqueen.

This has to do with a lack of self-love/esteem.
And when you give, that "devil" which tells you
that you aren't worthy enough, free range..
you'll never get there.

The trick is, to get that in balance, to work
on your self esteem, and grow more confident
about yourself, and feel you're worthy enough
to be loved, and believe that deep down inside yourself
that you're loved, because I doubt you can feel this now.

I've been there Myself, and since I've worked on this issue,
I feel like My puzzle is whole.

So I would recommend it to you too.
It won't be easy to find a good counsellor
to work on that issue.

If you want more about this, you know My email.

It's far from uncommon,
your thread shows this.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

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~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to chamberqueen)

RE: "the unworthy" - 1/15/2009 12:48:50 PM

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Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde
But still, for one reason or the other; i all too often come back to thoughts "i don't deserve Her" and "She would be so much happier if She dropped me and found some other, better submissive".

I don't think this will make you feel any more worthy, but I can pass on what was said to me when I made similar comments such as these.

Who am I to tell him what he deserves? Who am I to tell him what will make him happy? I don't make those decisions; he does.

Part of believing that you are worthy is stopping the negative thoughts when they come up. Then replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Even if you have to start with "She sees me as worthy". I imagine that you think she has pretty good judgment and that you trust it in most respects, so why not this area?

Replacing old tapes is not easy work, but it can be done.

Knight's Kyra

i wanted to reiterate what Kyra said here because i wholeheartedly agree. Whenever we are caught in the endless cycle of self-imposed negativity about our worth and our value, sometimes we have to start with taking the thoughts of others and using them to replace the negativity that we are speaking about ourselves. i know that i have had to do so myself to break the cycle of the destructive and self-defeating and condemning beliefs i used to hold about myself.

For myself, i had to do so from a spiritual perspective because i believed that no human saw me as i really was, that i was hiding my inadequacies (sp?) and failings so deeply inside, that if i tried to use another person's thoughts about me, all i would think was if he or she really knew me, they wouldn't think that about me. So i had to take the word of a "Higher Source" on my worth.

If however, (the not believing what another person says about me to be accurate), is not something that you also struggle with, please as others have suggested, start with replacing the negative thoughts about yourself with the knowledge that she thinks that you are worthy and she has the last word on it.

heartfelt

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Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

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(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: "the unworthy" - 1/15/2009 4:31:38 PM

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Joined: 12/21/2008
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Are you inadequate? Unworthy of your Mistress? Is she wrong to love you the way she repeatedly states she does? Is she misguided? ARe you faking her out.. and not showing who you truly are and that is why you think you are not worthy? Because maybe she doesnt know what you think is the "real" you? Do you really think she cant see deep into who you are?

There is something very worthy about you...... or you wouldnt be hers. You have to trust her.. and then.. with that.. find a way to trust in yourself. Step out of your comfort zone.. prove yourself... to yourself.

and I say this to myself.. as much as anyone.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

RE: "the unworthy" - 1/16/2009 5:14:05 PM

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Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

dC, I don't know you well, but from what I've learned about you from the boards, I think you're Worthy McWorthington.

He pretty much is... if he were ten years older and had short hair, I would totally do him!

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RE: "the unworthy" - 1/17/2009 9:08:42 AM

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Joined: 12/16/2008
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I can't read minds so all I can say is what this reminds me of for myself. When I feel unworthy it's after looking at the situation trying to see if it will last. Will they still want me? In doing that I imagine their options. The options include replacing me or just dumping me for some reason. I can't see anything about me they would want over anyone else, or really any reason they would remain interested in me, so there is no basis for thinking they would keep me longer than a passing interest. It seems like their interest in me in transitory and I have no idea why it exists in the first place. That leaves me feeling unworthy of being kept around. It happens when I am feeling attached and like it would totally suck if they did blow me off. It's the cling factor. Don't throw me out! So I try to reassure myself why they would not, and that's when I can't think of any reason, and that is how unworthy feels. It's not unworthy as a human being or like I am a bad person, it is unworthy of being their first choice among many. I accept it as just the truth. They do have other options. I can't know what they like about me or how long they will keep liking it. Reassurances are meaningless because their favor is fickle anyway. Even if they say they won't change their mind, they can't know that. I think the question for me is, am I worthy enough for this to last? And the way I answer it is, being worthy doesn't make things last. Insecurity is just part of caring if someone stops wanting you. I know I am unworthy but I also know what I want doesn't depend on my being worthy in the first place, so it's pointless to worry about it. I can try being worthy but since I have no idea what that would be, chances are good I would go in the wrong direction with it and get myself the boot. All in all I would rather worry about something else. Lately on the history channel they have been running a show about ways the human race could be destroyed: plague, super volcano, giant meteor, etc. Am I worthy of the universe not erasing my species with a huge rock from outer space? Same thing, in my mind.

(in reply to darchChylde)

RE: "the unworthy" - 1/17/2009 9:21:05 AM

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

Basically, though faced with frequent obvious and subtle reassurances to the contrary; why do i so often come back to the perspective that i'm not worth serving my Owner? Even more so, how do one get past this self-conditioning so that the question either does not arise or will not effect me negatively when it does?

I don't believe that this is all that rare, or even limited to the D/s relationship scope. In fact, the best relationships are those in which both partners feel he or she is getting the "better deal." It's very possible that your mistress also asks herself every day "What did I do to get so lucky as to have him serving me?" I wouldn't say you need counseling, just try to remind yourself that through her affirmation of simply having you there, you *are* worthy.

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(in reply to darchChylde)

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