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"You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 8:36:22 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
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So my relationship with the boy has survived a short LDR when his work sent him to another state for a month. Yes, I cheated and visited him more than half way through. In that month, I think we've found things about each other to learn from and build on, however my patience was tested and I'm still a little sore from it.

I have trust issues thanks to childhood abuse and terrible decisions on partners in the past. I realize it's my own problem to fix, and shouldn't be projected onto someone else, but that's easier said than done, especially when buttons are pushed. The boy didn't see the big deal about telling me about his day, even when I kept making it an issue to get him to realize I needed it. After I explained that it made me anxious and worried, he cut the crap fast and started doing the right thing. I'm very proud of him for it.

However, we had a fight over it, and somewhere in all of that he said 'You don't own me yet' meaning he didn't have to listen to me. He's right, I don't own him. He's said this in the past before this LD thing happened and before the fight. He was most likely joking when he said it before, too, but this time it really pinched a nerve with me. I find myself reluctant to play with him because I don't own him. This hasn't been a problem before, and we both enjoy playing, but I just feel so wrong when I attempt to do anything and I find myself forcing through that feeling until I get that happy high from dominating him. We've worked hard on creating a loving relationship outside of D/s, so giving up isn't an option for either of us.

I'm not really sure if it was a blow to my confidence, or what, but it really bothers me. I've been wanting to bring up contracts and negotiations to take the first step towards collaring, but this little naggy feeling stops me. Why? Why is it such a big deal? I can't figure out why it's bothering me.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 8:41:08 PM

Posts: 32566
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Yes, I have. I'm sorry to say it, but it was realized by Myself this evening.

All I can say is that I empathize.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 8:41:37 PM

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I had, actually. Back when, I had the whole "You dont own me yet" pulled on me when someone was too busy to bother with a simple request I had made. My reply was "With an attitude like that I am glad I dont." Tit for tat. Its frusteration talking, honestly. He is still working on becoming answerable to someone else and when it grates on him he vents that way. Does he know how much it tweaks your nerves when he says it? If he doesnt, you might want to let him know. I mean, after all, if his statements like that mean you are less inclined to want to dominate him I coubt hed be so fast to use them.

It isnt an uncommon sentiment among those under consideration, however most are smart enough to realize voicing it is not a good idea. You might need to point it out, he might not have picked up on the fact that what he says in jest or frustration is having such an impact on you.

DV

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(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 8:44:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VampiresLair
It isnt an uncommon sentiment among those under consideration, .

DV

This was exactly the perfect phrase, DV. Thank you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to VampiresLair)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 8:58:44 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
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I pointed it out the other day, but I haven't really sat down and talked to him about it seriously. I need to do it, but I've been in a very keep-to-myself mood lately (nothing to do with this problem).

He's not the best at keeping things inside. He tends to blurt them out at random times, so I've learned to be patient and judge if it's something serious or not. This time it just got to me.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 9:03:15 PM

Posts: 32566
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I almost hate to say it, but patience is a virtue. Some things, no matter how much you hope for. come out in the wash.

Please be well.

LP

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 9:14:21 PM

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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IF I was serious about being considered by someone I had been talking to and getting to know, I would never say you're not the boss of me yet. If I like you enough to want you to consider me, then I will do what you say, or I will say why I don't want to do what you say to do. But I would be respectful.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

So my relationship with the boy has survived a short LDR when his work sent him to another state for a month. Yes, I cheated and visited him more than half way through. In that month, I think we've found things about each other to learn from and build on, however my patience was tested and I'm still a little sore from it.

I have trust issues thanks to childhood abuse and terrible decisions on partners in the past. I realize it's my own problem to fix, and shouldn't be projected onto someone else, but that's easier said than done, especially when buttons are pushed. The boy didn't see the big deal about telling me about his day, even when I kept making it an issue to get him to realize I needed it. After I explained that it made me anxious and worried, he cut the crap fast and started doing the right thing. I'm very proud of him for it.

However, we had a fight over it, and somewhere in all of that he said 'You don't own me yet' meaning he didn't have to listen to me. He's right, I don't own him. He's said this in the past before this LD thing happened and before the fight.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 9:17:10 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

IF I was serious about being considered by someone I had been talking to and getting to know, I would never say you're not the boss of me yet. If I like you enough to want you to consider me, then I will do what you say, or I will say why I don't want to do what you say to do. But I would be respectful.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

So my relationship with the boy has survived a short LDR when his work sent him to another state for a month. Yes, I cheated and visited him more than half way through. In that month, I think we've found things about each other to learn from and build on, however my patience was tested and I'm still a little sore from it.

I have trust issues thanks to childhood abuse and terrible decisions on partners in the past. I realize it's my own problem to fix, and shouldn't be projected onto someone else, but that's easier said than done, especially when buttons are pushed. The boy didn't see the big deal about telling me about his day, even when I kept making it an issue to get him to realize I needed it. After I explained that it made me anxious and worried, he cut the crap fast and started doing the right thing. I'm very proud of him for it.

However, we had a fight over it, and somewhere in all of that he said 'You don't own me yet' meaning he didn't have to listen to me. He's right, I don't own him. He's said this in the past before this LD thing happened and before the fight.

I see what you're saying. This is something else I need to bring up to him. Thanks for pointing out the respect issue.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 9:19:10 PM

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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You're welcome.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

I see what you're saying. This is something else I need to bring up to him. Thanks for pointing out the respect issue.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/17/2009 10:50:06 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VampiresLair

I had, actually. Back when, I had the whole "You dont own me yet" pulled on me when someone was too busy to bother with a simple request I had made. My reply was "With an attitude like that I am glad I dont." Tit for tat. Its frusteration talking, honestly. He is still working on becoming answerable to someone else and when it grates on him he vents that way. Does he know how much it tweaks your nerves when he says it? If he doesnt, you might want to let him know. I mean, after all, if his statements like that mean you are less inclined to want to dominate him I coubt hed be so fast to use them.

Like a couple of others, my first reaction, also, was that he could have probably found a more respectful way to articulate that.

But Diurnal Vampire makes a very important observation here. Speaking as a submissive man, my second reaction was that I felt i understood exactly where he was coming from - for a lot of men, especially younger men, learning how to submerge into the submissive role in a BDSM relationship triggers a lot of internal conflicts, most of them of a type that they've never had to deal with before in any other facet of their lives. So they often struggle to recognize or understand these conflicts, until they suddenly come bubbling to the surface in the middle of some sort of headbutting situation like you're describing. The result is, they often wind up articulating their internal conflict by just blurting it out at roughly the same instant it becomes clear enough to them that they know what to blurt about. And it often comes out in a pretty non-constructive way, to say the least. It sounds to me like that's what's happening with him.

I'm sorry that I can't speak effectively to your issues regarding how it makes you feel and how to deal with those feelings, and thankfully the women in this thread have all stepped up and offered some excellent advice along those lines. I'm just offering this insight from the perspective of a submissive man who used to be a very young submissive man, in the hope that it gives you some background into where he may have been coming from emotionally. Which, if you think it's a valid observation, may hopefully help you in designing the best strategy to deal with the issue. Good luck to both of you. You sound like a very self-aware and insightful woman, and wellsuited to work through this one.

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In the forest of the night
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(in reply to VampiresLair)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/18/2009 1:50:06 AM

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Damned Panda has made some good points here, especially regarding his inner vanilla conflict.
I have had it happen to me and Ill admit that it knocked me right off my pedestal! and like you, it put me off dominating him for a while. Its crucial you talk, talk and talk some more and explain how these sort of words will cause you to back off (which is perfectly natural) and that if he can't take control of his little vanilla tantrums, then it could have a detrimental effect on you both moving forward.

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(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/18/2009 4:30:05 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

This has always been a sore spot for me in this "lifestyle".
This particular issue is one of the primary reasons I don't have a "submissive" male
as a partner these days.

It has been my experience, that often it is the "submissive male" that wants to decide
if and when you can become the "boss" of him.
He may not want you to be the "boss" of him, BUT he has NO problem spending hours
and hours discussing what he wants, what he likes and what he needs.
I don't dominate on "demand".
You can't just call me up and say, "I am ready for you to be the boss of me now!"
In fact, I have had many, many {did I say many?} that have done that to me, and they are
all very free agents now.

I discuss this in my journal on here.
I think it needs to be a mutual decision when you want the D/s relationship to begin.
But I have many ways to nip this "problem" in the bud.
If I am not the "boss" of you or your Dominant partner, I will not spend hours listening
to your needs, desires, etc. {excuse me for yawning cause it often bores the shit out of me}.
Or playing D/s parlor games with you either, until you mr.submissive man, decide that you want to submit to me.

I am enjoying the book "He's just not that into you", and many forget that D/s relationships
are more similar to vanilla than many of us would like to admit.

I am happy to wait for the submissive that "is THAT into me", and is actually submissive enough
to want to take a leap of faith with me, if/when I decide that I do want to be the boss of him!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 3/18/2009 4:36:45 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/18/2009 5:19:50 AM

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I'm a huge proponent of "i'm not owned until i say i am" mentality-but only in the cases of the Doms who start with the kneel bitch, or the Dominas who deman tribute just to IM--in the case of a potential or growing relationship--I expect if both parties are pursuing something, that the dynamic should be in place---else how does one know if it's going to work? There can be agreements up front, like work decisions or family decisions might be off limits in the early stages, but it can't be a suprise pick and choose scenario.

Happened one time, after I had brought him here, after I had paid his bills, after I had gotten his medicals straightened out--guess what? His unowned ass hit the B&O railroad back home, he soon found out I am not a babe to toy with.

That dog doesn't hunt in My woods.

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(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/18/2009 7:21:18 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

Why? Why is it such a big deal? I can't figure out why it's bothering me.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

From my point of view, that deeper need for possession of your partner is a sign of emotional vulnerability.

Also known as "falling in love".

When you feel the need to withdraw if you don't own your partner, it's a sign that you are no longer "safe" unless you have commitment and control. Dominants of both sexes tend to express their love by owning and controlling their partners.

_____________________________

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(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/18/2009 8:07:19 PM

MzMia

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Joined: 7/30/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

Why? Why is it such a big deal? I can't figure out why it's bothering me.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

From my point of view, that deeper need for possession of your partner is a sign of emotional vulnerability.

Also known as "falling in love".

When you feel the need to withdraw if you don't own your partner, it's a sign that you are no longer "safe" unless you have commitment and control. Dominants of both sexes tend to express their love by owning and controlling their partners.

You hit the nail on the head for me, Shakti.
I have said this millions of time, I am not into casual sex, casual intimacy, or casual relationships.
I MIGHT play in a club or play party, that is one thing.
But, my relationships are serious.
If I don't feel any committment or control, and I am "not the boss of you", than you will
never have to worry about me doing anything with or to you!

I have never understood people that state they don't need or require a committment to be in a relationship, but then cry, bitch and moan about not getting the respect or results they wanted.
I require a lot from anyone I am involved with.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 3/18/2009 8:28:02 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/19/2009 5:57:05 AM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I held back before responding here, since I have heard that kind of line in the past, said in different ways. I'm pretty tease-able, so if someone's being a sassmonkey, I am inclined to blow it off. (and possibly bite them, hard) I fetishize obedience, though, and if I am presented with open defiance when I ask for something---especially RUDE defiance---I take a step back.

If I didn't ask for something madly unreasonable, hit some unknown hot button, or call at a bad time, then what's the problem? That's what I would have to find out, pronto. That particular moment might not be the time for discussion, but I would plan on it soon. Those niggly feelings often add up to something BIG, and it's so easy to breeze on by that twitch in the head when emotions get in the way.

Before talking to him, though, talk to yourself. What do you want from this man, from this relationship? What do you NEED? What if he is (gasp!) not really submissive? Would you be content with a quasi-kinky relationship with him, or is it all or nothing? When you are secure in what your needs are, you'll be in a much stronger position to see what is going on with him. Who knows, maybe you have been sending mixed signals without realizing it! All relationships are compromise, and establishing a power exchange realationship takes patience and understanding on both sides. Commitment sometimes grows more slowly than we would wish, but if it is there, it is worth the effort.

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RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/19/2009 7:29:20 AM

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My thoughts on this were conflicted. First of all if my sub said this to me it would sting and it would shake my trust in him. I would be inclined to tell him "if you REALLY feel that way, remove the collar from your neck and consider yourself released".
Because I do not consider D/s relationships a game where you can turn the power off/on at anyone's whim. If he agreed to be your submissive then he gave you his word and if he cannot keep his word then how are you supposed to believe anything that he says as truth?''

On the other hand he could have been having a really difficult time and just blurted this out. BUT I would say if this is something he keeps repeating then to me it means he only wants you to be his Dominant in certain areas of his life but not in others. He maybe fearful of losing you and will not tell you. So in frustration when he feels you've crossed his line he blurts this out.

For me I would consider his commitment lukewarm at best. I think I would take a step back and reconsider my options. There is no need to tie yourself down to someone who is not going to take you seriously.

Just my thoughts.

~Lashra

< Message edited by Lashra -- 3/19/2009 7:30:08 AM >

_____________________________

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RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/19/2009 12:04:13 PM

SomethingCatchy

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Joined: 7/29/2008
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All very good advice. We've talked about this a few different times for a few minutes since I posted. I've been feeling reluctant to really sit down and have a deep conversation with him, because life is adding a few additional stresses. He read the thread, and said that he feels in line with what TDP said, and also that he should have been more respectful. We had a good talk earlier today and I'm feeling much more confident after.

Thank you all for the support and words, it's been taken into serious consideration. I've got some home work to do for myself (I'm taking your advice LadyH and writing out a list for myself to get a grip on things) and we're going to have a serious conversation once we both have time to relax instead of being stressed about work.

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/19/2009 1:17:29 PM

dreamerdreaming

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Why don't you own him yet?

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RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar - 3/19/2009 1:27:06 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

. Yes, I cheated

I have trust issues thanks to childhood abuse and terrible decisions on partners in the past. I realize it's my own problem to fix, and shouldn't be projected onto someone else, but that's easier said than done,

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Have you?

This is probably the whole can of worms. Why would anyone want to be with this type of person?

I wouldn't.

_____________________________

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

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