RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant?

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 1/23/2010 12:38:25 PM

QueenTofME

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/23/2007
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I had 2 male subs for about a year. It was very clear from the get go what the position of the second sub was...it was secondary. In fact he requested to be used, considered 'the house slut' (he was bi)...and he stated he didn't want a relationship with" all that talking and stuff" so that was a no brainer. I like talking and so did my primary sub. The secondary sub had his own bedroom from the get go. This is one of these things to make clear BEFOREHAND...not wait for it to be misunderstood. People need to know their place. All people.

We all got along and the two of them worked together on projects. The secondary was recently divorced and hated the idea of going to an empty apartment...he liked having us to come home to.

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 1/25/2010 7:36:39 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

I'm having a problem understanding this concept of 'jealous person', in that either-or kinda way . . . . . .

For example, I tend to think I'm much much less given to jealousy than 'normal', 'typical' females . . . . . . . But I'm certainly more given to moments of insecurity than those so confident that they never feel jealousy . . . .

So, is poly really a possibility for the middle folks who are neither screamingly confident nor whisperingly insecure? Or is it just more like fantasy material?

Best,
The Demon, Kia

Up until recently Kia, I would of said no. I would of said that its only possible if neither primary partners loved each other passionately. I had successful poly in my previous relationship but I wasn't madly in love with my primary partner and he wasn't with me. We trusted each other and that is all that was needed.
Then Stephen comes along and Im head over heals when we start thinking about poly. Its worked for me before so why not again?
I have had a few poly experiences with Stephen where I became very insecure. What was he texting her? what had she just whispered in his ear? was that just a secret smile I saw them giving each other?. Its like bloody paranoia and it eats away at a person. In both those instances the fem sub had the big hotties for Stephen and I felt like the spare part. They knew the score. They knew there was two Dominants in this relationship but that didn't stop them being hugely attentive to him and not to me.

That didn't stop me wanting poly. I knew that it could work but there was only really one way and that was the fem sub would have to fancy me more than she fancied Stephen. Stephen knows that although I am bi that I won't run off with a woman.

We are now in a poly relationship with a girl who fancies the hell out of me and really likes Stephen. There is no insecurity, jealousy or worry that one is going to run away with the other.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 1/25/2010 7:37:42 AM >

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 1/25/2010 7:50:15 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: polybi108

jealousy is projection that there is not enough for ME.

Its the opposite of love.

My guess is that people who spent time feeling jealous are not up to the spiritual aspect of poly.

Of course, the setup can create jealousy or ameliorate it a lot.

I couldn't agree less. Love brings many emotions and one of those emotions is fear of loss. We can trust our partner implicitly but we can still fear losing him/her, we can still feel a pit in our stomach when some beautiful woman winks at him and gives him the come on. Jealousy, insecurity and doubt is often unfounded but it a trigger emotion in any man or woman that loves another with intensity.

Its not about spending time feeling jealous. You make it sound like its an activity that someone decides to do! Some people are more susceptible to jealousy and for them poly is certainly not a good move but it can't possibly be 'spiritual poly' until you have met the right person.
I feel right now like our poly is very spiritual but I still had to go through insecurity and doubt and jealousy to find the right one.

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Post #: 63

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 1/25/2010 11:34:59 AM

beltainefaerie

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Joined: 4/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: polybi108

jealousy is projection that there is not enough for ME.

Its the opposite of love.

My guess is that people who spent time feeling jealous are not up to the spiritual aspect of poly.

Wow. While I would agree that jealousy stems frequently from the "there is not enough for me" viewpoint, I think it is a bit far to say that it is the opposite of love and a giant leap to judge people who get jealous as being spiritually unfit for poly. My goodness! Why must people be so judgmental?

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 1/27/2010 1:52:43 PM

marithra

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Joined: 1/18/2010
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I am in my first poly relationship, and jealousy is a part of it, it is normal. But the four of us have tried talking, and for the most part it works. My primary partner and I talked a lot before entering this relationship, and ground rules have been established. Simple things, like I don't wear my perfume when I am with my other two partners, he doesn't take our girlfriend to our favorite date spot. Before any play happens we must inform the other (unless we are spending the night with other partners because play will happen then), and there are still mess ups, the green monster still attacks us.

I know that my primary and secondary boy still haven't sat down and talked. My primary is still not 100% ok with the idea that I am having a sexual relationship with my secondary boy. But he doesn't want to give up his relationship with his secondary girl. But there are other emotions at work there as well.

Needless to say jealousy is not hte best of emotions. But as long as you admit they are there (As both my primary and I have) and keep an open line of communication it does help. Not perfect but we are all flawed. *Shrug* I can't expect him to be 100% ok when I still am not.

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 1/30/2010 10:24:14 PM

krazykatelyn

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Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Emotions aren't inherently wrong, it's what people learn from and/or do with them that can be positive or negative.
Best wishes,
Davan

Yes!

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 2/6/2010 3:06:37 PM

Viskan

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Joined: 5/21/2008
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I personally grew up in a very emotionally fucked up family. Feelings weren't much discussed and such.

But I find myself now in a Poly family that consists with my boyfriend, his other half and her girlfriend who is also my best friend.

I don't feel jealous at all to be honest. I am really comfortable with how everything is within the family and how we approach things. I've personally said to my boyfriend that if it would ever happen if any of us felt uncomfortable we have to talk about it before it ever becomes a problem.

I use to be in a Poly relationship where apparently my boyfriend at the time could do everything he wanted but I wasn't allowed to do anything. Let me add this wasn't at all a D/s relationship at all.

My previous relationship made me worry about damn near everything when me and my boyfriend now were getting to know each other and found out that we really liked each other and wanted to take things further. I didn't know where any boundaries should and shouldn't be so I decided to bring it up with him. It was the best idea.

We're still in the early days but I am more than comfortable with what can and can't be done within this relationship and as far as I know all of us are happy.

For further information my boyfriend and his other half have been together for 4 years I belive, his other half and my best friend have been together for about 6 months and him and I've been together for closing on a month.

V.

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 2/10/2010 6:26:31 PM

Wulffe

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Joined: 9/19/2007
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Kia,

I'm sure this has been said before but here it is. Jealousy is a symptom of a issue within the relationship. Everyone feels jealous at some point in their relationship, whether it's poly or monogomas. Anyone who says they don't is full of BS. My mate and I are part of an 11 person Polyamorous Clan and I know that I feel jealousy once in a while. I also feel insecure at times, the two can conincide or they can be seperate feelings. The key is to be open and honest with the others involved but especially with your Primary(s). If they are not willing to be honest with you, listen to your concerns and sort out the reason why you are feeling this way then they are also not willing to truely be in a Poly relationship. If there is one thing I have learned being in such a large Poly group is that honest communication is the only way to stay sane even if it's not what you want to hear at the time.

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RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 2/15/2010 12:08:38 AM

kittyboy

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Joined: 1/29/2006
From: Brisbane Australia
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jealousy, like most negative emotions is a symptom, a sign that there is an underlying problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed.
I find generally that once the problem is identified and solved to all parties satisfaction the jealousy goes away.

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Post #: 69