Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant?

Collarchat.com

Create a
Free Account

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Search

Espanol

Deutsch

Francais

Italiano

Portugues

Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 1:50:46 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

Frankly, I'm a little weirded out about how jealousy gets discussed here in the Poly camp . . . . .

I was raised by people who believed that some emotions were 'bad' or 'wrong', & that one should suppress / repress / avoid / ignore / deny / etc the 'bad / 'wrong' emotions . . . . . As an adult, dealing with the repercussions of this upbringing, I learned in therapy & etc that all emotions are 'normal' & are spontaneously generated as reactions to stimuli, that there are no 'bad' or 'wrong' emotions . . . . . It's what is done with one's emotions that is the crucial issue . ... .

So, when I read thru polyamory discussions & hear that there is a belief that jealousy is 'wrong' or that there are people who never feel jealousy, I'm having a hard time understanding how that works . . . . . .

My actual experience with poly is very limited, but was instructive on just this issue; the other participants in the one poly relationship I've tried reported 'no jealousy' but acted jealous, & were unwilling to discuss . . . . For the record, I admitted to jealousy feelings & was treated like I was 'the problem' . . . . . . .

I'm very curious to hear what the posters here have to say about this . . . . . .

Best,
The Demon, Kia

Post #: 1

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 2:13:12 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Emotions aren't inherently wrong, it's what people learn from and/or do with them that can be positive or negative.
Best wishes,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 2

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 2:25:07 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10836
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Emotions aren't inherently wrong, it's what people learn from and/or do with them that can be positive or negative.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 3

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 3:03:46 PM

Juliannadelion

Posts: 869
Joined: 7/25/2008
From: circusofthedamned
Status: offline

When one loves the Master so strongly, so fully and completely that they would give their life over, were he but to ask....

How could you not feel jealous, or worried, or anxious that the 'new' person will take what is so precious from you? It does not have to be true for you to feel the emotions. (and I know people will be SCREAMING about the wrongness of that) Especially if you are someone that has experienced the loss of that which is precious to you - repeatedly.

You are entitled to feel what you feel. Being honest about how you feel is the only way that the other person or people are going to know how you feel. If the other people involved do not acknowledge what you are feeling (whether based in fact or not) - then what is the point?

I believe that alot of people think that adding another person to their relationship will make it all grand and wonderful and then fail to appreciate exactly what they have done.

You have just started a completely new relationship with all the bumps and pitfalls that come with it - but instead of between two people, now it is three. And instead of making it double the work, it is now 100 times the work because you have to take into account EVERYONES feelings. Most people have a hard enough time just finding one person, juggling two tends to be far more complicated than they realize.

I have been the first and I have been the third in a handful of relationships that went no where because the people involved (myself included) didn't understand fully what they were getting into, or just exactly how they would feel, until already in the middle of it.

While I have heard from those that this can be a blissful arrangement (just ask SavageFairie or FelineFae) I have yet to have that experience myself, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to try again.

The relationship I have now is perfect and beautiful and wonderful and I could not ask for more. I am happier than I have ever been and would not trade my love for anything in this world or any other.

Why would I bring someone in to muck it all up?

But that's just my

........

_____________________________

Do you think this kind of love happens every day? ~ Asher

Bonded by blood, bound to His soul, soon to be his wife, owned by AsherDeLampyr

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 4

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 4:16:42 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

Posts: 8589
Joined: 10/5/2008
From: Insanity & beyond
Status: offline

I am the addition to a beautiful loving marriage of two who consider them each others' best friends. I love them both & they both love me. I don't tend to be jealous & I have no feelings of jealousy in this relationship. That being said, I've also had the new one come in & I've been pushed out. Therefore, I told His Evilness that while I have no jealousy of their feelings for each other nor of their relationship with each other, should we bring another sub into it, I may have some issues with that. My insecurity stems from past relationships when I have been replaced, not from any feelings that I get from them. It's completely my issue. The thing is, I knew this about myself going into this & brought it up before any collaring happened. I wanted them to know that I might need help working through this.

We met a girl who was a possibility & one of the first things that he told her in their first talk was that I had final say over whether she would become a part of our dynamic. That helped me a lot to know that he was taking care of me like that. As it turns out, I discovered that she had some unresolved drama in her life & when I told him about it, we all agreed that we didn't want even the possibility of that in our lives.

I think that what people are saying here about jealousy not having a place in a poly relationship is not that the emotion itself is a bad thing, but that if you have those kinds of feelings, perhaps poly isn't a good fit for you. That's a very different thing than saying if you feel jealousy that's an inherently bad thing. Rarely if ever do poly relationships start out as 3 or more people deciding at the same time to be in a relationship with all the others. There is usually an established relationship and others are brought into that. If I had come into their relationship with jealousy issues about their already established relationship, it could cause unnecessary drama. Just as it would if one of them was jealous of my relationship with the other.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
~~L. Cohen

Just one of the yahoo's

(in reply to Juliannadelion)

Post #: 5

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 5:23:31 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

I'm having a problem understanding this concept of 'jealous person', in that either-or kinda way . . . . . .

For example, I tend to think I'm much much less given to jealousy than 'normal', 'typical' females . . . . . . . But I'm certainly more given to moments of insecurity than those so confident that they never feel jealousy . . . .

So, is poly really a possibility for the middle folks who are neither screamingly confident nor whisperingly insecure? Or is it just more like fantasy material?

Best,
The Demon, Kia

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 6

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 6:20:01 PM

DagnyT

Posts: 43
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline

Hi, Kia,

I've definitely felt jealousy here and there over the last few years as part of a V (especially when things were new and "unknown") but I think I'm less of a jealous-type person (I want what you have) as I am possessive-type person (don't try to take what I have)....

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
Emotions aren't inherently wrong, it's what people learn from and/or do with them that can be positive or negative.
Best wishes,
Davan

I think Davan put it perfectly.

An emotion like jealousy can be a flag that something is "off" either in your own processing of events or in the relationship. Jealousy in and of itself is not "wrong" to me and you're not a bad person, or bad at poly, for feeling it, in my opinion.

Dagny.

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 7

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 6:40:19 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3231
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Juliannadelion
When one loves the Master so strongly, so fully and completely that they would give their life over, were he but to ask....

How could you not feel jealous, or worried, or anxious that the 'new' person will take what is so precious from you?

Easy; we worked very hard at building security in our relationship, so there would be no fear that someone else could take this relationship from me. The only one that could end the relationship that he and I have is either me or him.

Alandra and I have not experienced jealousy between the two of us by being in a relationship with him. There have been moments of envy, wishing we could be doing what the other is doing, but we have not experienced fear that we would lose him.

Jealousy is a normal emotion, but it doesn't mean that everyone will feel it in every relationship. It is an emotion that is a result of lack of security. It may be a lack of security within yourself or a lack of security within the relationship. It may be that there is something happening within the relationship that is threatening the security or it just may be a product of misperception and unwarranted fear.

As Davan said, it is what you do with the emotion that can be positive or negative. We chose to build security within ourselves and the relationship, so that it is an emotion that we do not have to feel.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Juliannadelion)

Post #: 8

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 7:09:29 PM

Juliannadelion

Posts: 869
Joined: 7/25/2008
From: circusofthedamned
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Juliannadelion
When one loves the Master so strongly, so fully and completely that they would give their life over, were he but to ask....

How could you not feel jealous, or worried, or anxious that the 'new' person will take what is so precious from you?

Easy; we worked very hard at building security in our relationship, so there would be no fear that someone else could take this relationship from me. The only one that could end the relationship that he and I have is either me or him.

Alandra and I have not experienced jealousy between the two of us by being in a relationship with him. There have been moments of envy, wishing we could be doing what the other is doing, but we have not experienced fear that we would lose him.

Jealousy is a normal emotion, but it doesn't mean that everyone will feel it in every relationship. It is an emotion that is a result of lack of security. It may be a lack of security within yourself or a lack of security within the relationship. It may be that there is something happening within the relationship that is threatening the security or it just may be a product of misperception and unwarranted fear.

As Davan said, it is what you do with the emotion that can be positive or negative. We chose to build security within ourselves and the relationship, so that it is an emotion that we do not have to feel.

Knight's Kyra

Well said. Thank you.

_____________________________

Do you think this kind of love happens every day? ~ Asher

Bonded by blood, bound to His soul, soon to be his wife, owned by AsherDeLampyr

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/27/2009 10:59:00 PM

belladonna66

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/21/2008
Status: offline

I have just gone through a loss partly over Jealousy and partly over not being part of the life style. My primary and I are vanila as vanila gets. We added a Dom as a secondary. I became jealouse mostly because I was trying to learn the lifestyle for him but he was adimit not to include me for my own safety. I understand that love that you love so much that you would do any thing. "When one loves the Master so strongly, so fully and completely that they would give their life over, were he but to ask.... " (DavanKael) I was willing to give my life. This he could not live with. My life is worth more than our relationship. So we ended the realtionship to save my life and our friendship. He needed someone in the lifestyle and I could not give that to him. My jealousy was of those who could live in the lifestyle.

My primary and I have talked about trying the lifestyle between ourselves but I run the risk of walking down the same path as I did. Again I hear the words echoed "My life is worth more than a realtionship" Now I must deal with my jealousy and emotions of losing someone so special and not being good enough to please him.

(in reply to Juliannadelion)

Post #: 10

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/28/2009 8:24:29 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Jealousy is very normal though it can take different forms. I realized that I work so hard on not being jealous that I was turning the feelings inward and turning them into insecurity. I realized that wasn't healthy either, so I took a new stance. Whatever happens between my Master and another is between my Master and another. It has nothing to do with me, how desirable I may (or may not) be, how well I am doing my job, but is strictly between them.

I read a great book once that said that everyone feels jealousy to some extent. The trick is in how you act on it. You can sit back and let it build and fester or you can simply acknowledge it and move on. Some times will be more difficult than others, but ultimately the choice is up to the individual on how much they let it get to them. It went on to give practical suggestions such as keeping the main lines of communication between the primary and yourself, never having the two (or more) subs gang up against the primary or talking behind their back, etc.

Sadly, there are times when someone else's jealousy is the biggest problem. They may try to discredit you - either subtly or openly - or stir up some type of trouble in the hopes that you will leave. If you are honest about having some jealous feelings you may be the one to be blamed simply because you were honest about it while the other kept theirs covered. It can be a volatile emotion but certainly doesn't have to be. The most important thing is that you are honest with yourself about the feelings and that you make your decisions wisely based on them. That decision might be to laugh off a slightly painful moment all the way to deciding that this type of relationship isn't the best for you, at least not with these particular partners.

_____________________________

(in reply to belladonna66)

Post #: 11

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/28/2009 11:04:25 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4035
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I always have to catch myself when reading topics such as these because my natural tendencies in poly are towards all-way polyfidelitous relationships (/families), rather than Vs. I think the potential for the arousal of jealousy to be different (maybe not less or more, just different) in those types of situations because each individual is part the whole and there are separate sub-relationships within the whole that have the chance to blossom without the threat that of being trumped by another.

It's not a question of whether emotions are 'wrong' or 'right', but they should be indicative tools. If jealousy becomes a consistent issue in your poly interactions then perhaps poly (or most types of it) isn't something that's really for you (note: using the term "you" here in general, and not directly related to the OP).

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 12

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/28/2009 12:58:15 PM

Juliannadelion

Posts: 869
Joined: 7/25/2008
From: circusofthedamned
Status: offline

I am truly sorry for your loss.

I do wish you the very best of luck in everything you do.

I left a master with 9 slaves to be with my Master now. (he spent so much time trying to make everyone happy, that no one is happy - including him).

I hope everyone can find the love that they want and need, be it poly or not.

_____________________________

Do you think this kind of love happens every day? ~ Asher

Bonded by blood, bound to His soul, soon to be his wife, owned by AsherDeLampyr

(in reply to belladonna66)

Post #: 13

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/28/2009 5:03:00 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: belladonna66
"When one loves the Master so strongly, so fully and completely that they would give their life over, were he but to ask.... " (DavanKael)

Wasn't me, didn't say it. :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to belladonna66)

Post #: 14

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/29/2009 11:34:47 AM

SavageFaerie

Posts: 4361
Joined: 12/3/2004
From: Home in Florida Finally
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Juliannadelion
While I have heard from those that this can be a blissful arrangement (just ask SavageFairie or FelineFae) I have yet to have that experience myself, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to try again.

I work to avoid jealously on all levels. I keep away of signs, looks, and general interaction. If I feel that one of the other seem to feel like they are not getting the attention they deserve, after all Im with a married couple. I will take steps to carefully redirect the attention to who is feeling left out.

Im just into poly for about 6-7 weeks now and this is my first time, but I am a strong empath so I sense when the new toy is getting more attention than the primary partners.

For instance poen loves flogging, so when BP came back from his last trip, I suggested he flog us at the same time, that way both of us could enjoy it as well as he did. I know that she needed more than myself, so at one point I took a break and sat aside ( on my knees in a submissive position which fed his desires. The whole scene was successful because I knew what both wanted and yeah...I pretyy much topped if you will and turned it around so she could get what she wanted and at a more lengthly scene than normal. All of us got what we needed.

The key to the third is the ability to read the needs of the primary partners and coming up with ways to achieve a balance works wonders.

It also helps when the third can sense and find out what the primary partners need and carefully without being obvious come up with ways to make all parties get what they need.

To me thats what make a successfuly poly family. My not favoring one or the other and making sure things are even and not threatening is the key to a successful poly family

To end I am in bliss to have Blackphx and poenkitten in my life as each have differents wants and needs and I happily adapt to meet both needs, which btw match the needs I have been without for so long.

_____________________________

Disclaimer:If its the wrong word or misspelled I blame on my fingers and brains refusing to interact.

(in reply to Juliannadelion)

Post #: 15

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/29/2009 12:59:26 PM

pinkwind

Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

i am named emotion, speaks for itself i suppose. i have spent my life as an emotional woman accepting, dealing with, and in some circumstances denying my emotions, learning how they worked for me and against, how to commute or channel emotions to do most good and least harm both to myself and those around me, and i have led a pretty emotionally stable life because of my acknowledging that my emotions are a natural part of my psychological make-up.

Despite rumours to the contrary poly has proved a refreshing change of emotional scenery for me, i have learnt to what extent, and with whom, i can share, and i have been pleasantly surprised at my self control where a myriad of emotions are concerned, both during and after recent events.

i do understand now that i do not have an endless capacity for emotional affinity when it comes to some people or even situations, poly or not, but i do know that i am capable of embracing the same with more equanimity than most. Of all the things i have learnt, that no two people will engender the same emotional response in me even if most circumstances be constant, has proved pivotal.

_____________________________

pink...
Master Andy's emotion...

From Each According To His Abilities, To Each According To His Needs.

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 16

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 3/30/2009 1:16:05 PM

rileysgirl

Posts: 22
Joined: 3/27/2009
Status: offline

ok no body get made about this one it's from my own personal experience and it's just my opinion( yes even though i'm a newbie i used to be in a polyamorous relationship without the bdsm)
So in MY opinion if your not in love with everyone in the relationship then jealousy although it causes ALOT problems is understandable although i think that if you are a jealous person then a polymarous relationship probably isn't the best kind of relationship for you because like i said it cause ALOT of problems .... HOWEVER let's say you are with a male and a female and you are all "supposed" to be in love then i don't think there should be any jealousy because if you truly love someone then you just want the people you in love to be happy no matter what the cost.....
Well that's my opinion please no body flag me on it cause i DO actually know what i'm talking about.

(in reply to pinkwind)

Post #: 17

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 4/2/2009 10:20:41 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

For me... jealousy just happens. It's a part of me. Not a good part of me but it's a part of me. I'd like to think I can change that over time but for now it's a fact of life. I find that my jealousy gets worse when I'm surprised by things so we take things slowly when he talks to other women and ease ourselves into things. That helps and being able to just say "Ok. I'm feeling jealous right now. I know I don't need to be but I do. Can I have a headscratch and a cookie?" helps.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to rileysgirl)

Post #: 18

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 4/2/2009 2:52:04 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

Thank you, all who've posted so far, your thoughts & insights & experiences have really helped me to get a better feel for how jealousy actually fits into real poly relationships, & thus where that line is between poly-as-fantasy & poly-as-reality . . . . .

I look forward to hearing more about what people think & feel about jealousy & how it relates to polyamory . . .. . .

Best,
The Demon, Kia

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 19

RE: Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant? - 4/2/2009 3:04:40 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

Jealousy, as far as I'm concerned, is a symptom. It's like pain. If I am wearing shoes and the side of my little toe begins to burn and ache, that's my body telling me that there's too much friction there, and it's injuring me. If I am feeling jealous about my husband's new lover, I instantly start trying to see what the problem is. Is there a situation that we need to discuss how to handle so we are both comfortable? Am I feeling insecure or left out? What can I do, or we do, to fix this before it becomes horrible?

But that said, I don't tend to be jealous over Bear. We have so much history and so much strength together that I can rely on that, even when I feel slightly insecure. And as we have a habit of making loving gestures to each other, that often instantly resolves the problem.

I recommend that submissives of mine and his write in a journal, and that they instantly examine any feelings of resentment, jealousy, insecurity, etc. to see what is behind them so we can fix it before it gets bad.

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Jealousy, Normal or Aberrant?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2012

Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition

Terms of Service

0.281