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"how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 5:11:09 AM

Level

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"...when they can't even control themselves?"

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

Dominants: how important is self control to your "vision" of dominant behaviour? Has it ever been an issue for yourself?

I have to exert some self control right now, and go to work

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 5:13:28 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

"...when they can't even control themselves?"

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?/b]

Absolutely, that has very little to do with d/s though someone with a lack of self control is just completely unappealing to me. Be it the ability to get things done or the ability to control emotions. I know we all loose it occasionally and that is cool but people who do it regularly, no ta.

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'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 5:16:43 AM

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I believe strongly and practice self control, I'm a parent, I have to, it isn't an illusion to hide things, it is real, however, I am not a god, I am far from perfect and I make mistakes just like anyone else, just not in key life management or life sustaining areas, but I am human, I at times cry, I at times get angry, I at times get frustrated--its life, I am real not a plastic fantasy doll.

edited to add: the fact that I am where I am, do what I do and continue down a solid life plan should demonstrate I can damn well manage someone else...IF they practice self control.

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 7/29/2009 5:18:10 AM >

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 5:46:58 AM

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quote:

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

actually...i don't really see a difference between a vanilla or D/s relationship. We all lack self control in certain areas irregardless of the orientation.

Certain things will have me heading out the door. Does he lack self control with his temper, alcohol intake, drug use, spending, infidelity? These are deal breakers.

There are other things that i consider minor...if there is a box of Twinkies in the house i can kiss my self control bye-bye...then blame it on the kid

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 6:09:28 AM

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I don't think one necessarily has anything to do with the other. A dominant can do a great job of controlling someone while not necessarily exhibiting self-control themselves. On the other hand, a dominant can exercise wonderful self-control and not be able to adequately "control" another. They are totally different things in my book.

Now, that said......if Master wanted me to not have certain behaviors but refused to control them in Himself, that would lead to resentment. If drinking, drugs, overeating, overspending, etc. is "bad" for me to do, how is it OK for Him to do? If it's a "bad" thing, it's a "bad" thing, no matter who's doing it. If He were to expect me to show tight control while He showed none, I would see Him as hypocritical and that would undermine that whole love and respect thang I got goin' on for Him, ya know?

Kind of like when a parent tells you to "Do as I say, not as I do." Grrrrrrr, that's so stupid. I couldn't handle that.

So, while one CAN control another while not necessarily controlling oneself, I couldn't be in a happy, solid relationship with someone who wanted to do that...............luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 7/29/2009 6:11:59 AM >

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 6:26:35 AM

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quote:

"...when they can't even control themselves?"

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Without a question. I don't expect anybody to be 100% in control of everything at all times...but there is a big difference between the occasional flare up caused by being human and somebody who just can't control themselves. Some habits are obviously more important/worrying then others, but they can also point to some of the same issues with lack of discipline. Everybody draws the line in different places, but for me a demonstrated lack of self control is a huge red flag.

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 6:41:11 AM

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i just saw something in a post that I have seen a few times on here want to state for all those that view THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE IN DS AND NILLA ok now back to the rest of the story lol

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 6:46:24 AM

LillyoftheVally

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Is there Latex, ok tell me ummmmmmm two differences

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'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 6:49:09 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

Is there Latex, ok tell me ummmmmmm two differences

I'd be cool with one.

the.dark.

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 7:03:49 AM

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FR

Yes, without a doubt. The lack of self control cost me my first D/s relationship. You cannot trust someone with your life once they have shown that their inability to control themselves compromises your basic physical safety.
And that would go for either vanilla or D/s.
j

(in reply to RCdc)

RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 7:09:32 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

Is there Latex, ok tell me ummmmmmm two differences

I'd be cool with one.

the.dark.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to RCdc)

RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 7:09:46 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Dominants: how important is self control to your "vision" of dominant behaviour? Has it ever been an issue for yourself?

self-control is only the means to the end. For me, I must be "worthy" of leading before I can do so. There's a lot of factors that go into that, but self-discipline is an important tool for achieving the things that, in turn, make me worthy.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 7:13:15 AM

Posts: 4258
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From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

It depends. I make no distinctions just because someone identifies as a dominant or submissive, I see them as they really are, an individual, a person.

But it really depends on what you mean by a lack of self-control. Do you mean that they are messy and disorganized? No, this doesn't bother me at all. I'm somewhat artistic by nature and function just as well in chaos and disorder just as when everything is neat and orderly. However prolonged contact with me will probably cause them to become more organized.

You see when I get to know someone I also take into account reason and motivation, so it's not enough to observe that someone lacks self-control, but I want to know how and why before I draw any sort of conclusion. Are they overworked? Busy? Stressed? Depressed?

A lack of self-control can be caused by depression, or happen in a time of stress or when they are perhaps weaker than normal. It's worth remembering that whenever we meet someone new or the possibility of a new relationship arises circumstances may be less than ideal. In such situations I won't walk away but will give them the benefit of the doubt, simply because I've had my own difficult periods and know what it feels like when people bail on you.

However that saying I look for emotional maturity and personal decorum - in fact these two things are essential and come before almost everything else. You can live in a hovel, forget what you had for breakfast, eat crap (though don't expect me to share it with you) but if you're confrontational, rude, unable to control your emotions or your drinking or unable to take responsibility then you're not going to get very far with me.

But then again I feel self-control is essential in submissives as well as dominants as it shows an aptitude for self-discipline and never fails to reflect well, either on yourself or your dominant.

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 7:32:14 AM

olena

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Joined: 12/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

actually...i don't really see a difference between a vanilla or D/s relationship. We all lack self control in certain areas irregardless of the orientation.

Certain things will have me heading out the door. Does he lack self control with his temper, alcohol intake, drug use, spending, infidelity? These are deal breakers.

There are other things that i consider minor...if there is a box of Twinkies in the house i can kiss my self control bye-bye...then blame it on the kid

I agree with this. Dominants are not perfect and to expect them to be or think they are is not a healthy thought.

I like men that have passion and that is going to mean they venture into areas where their passion will get the best of them. There is trivial things one can lose control, there are some things that one can lose control but just need to be able to get back centered and there are some things that cause long term problems that we all need control and not just because someone is dominant.

Give me a man with passion that loses self control now and then in things over a man with a lot of self control but live life in a boring mental state.

(in reply to sirsholly)

RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 8:06:31 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

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Joined: 1/26/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

"...when they can't even control themselves?"

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

Absolutely. If you can't control yourself, how can I trust you to control me? If you can't make responsible decisions regarding your own life, how can I trust you to make responsible decisions regarding mine? I'm somoene who needs to be able to look up to my dominant, and I'm also someone who has a great deal of self-control and a lot more discipline than most people. If my dominant is not at least competent in those regards, I find it impossible to trust her leadership. She doesn't necessarily have to be more controlled and self-disciplined than I am (although that would certainly be nice), but she has to at least be accomplished enough that I can follow her lead without wondering what kind of disaster she's leading me into.

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 8:33:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

"...when they can't even control themselves?"

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

Sure. However, i do watch out for what i perceive. Perception and actuality oftentimes are not the same.

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 8:37:33 AM

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From: Texas
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quote:

Submissives: ever been turned off a dominant by a real or percieved lack of self control on their part? Temper, poor habits, etc?

Well, yes, but it's not an orientation thing with me.. it's an adult thing. Call me weird, but I rather expect adults to act like adults, take care of their adult responsibilities and all that sort of adulty stuff. ::grins::

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 8:48:00 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

Dominants: how important is self control to your "vision" of dominant behaviour?

In general, 'control' is a big issue for me -- self-control, external control... in overall, big-picture ways, it is -very- important to my integration in my own life. In little ways *shrug* I have my weaknesses, and really, though it's occasionally frustrating to my companions, I don't really make a lot of apologies for them.

quote:

Has it ever been an issue for yourself?

Of course it has. Being of dominant orientation doesn't mean I've never made mistakes, let balls drop, or failed to keep my cool at some crucial moment where losing it made me look like a total ass. In general, though, its never been a -prolonged- issue. I've had my occasional binge, breakdown, or blitz, and then yanked myself up by my bootstraps and gone on with life. I guess that, if an individual needed someone who was perfect in every way, xhe'd have to see about borrowing beth from Merc. *chuckles*

Dame Calla

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 8:53:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Dominants: how important is self control to your "vision" of dominant behaviour? Has it ever been an issue for yourself?

We are all human and now and then there is a slip in self control. Stress ccan cause someone to act differently than normal, as I am learning while I do our wedding plans. So can lack of sleep, feeling poorly, and many other things. So, the occasional loss of self control isnt a huge issue. However, a pattern of loss of control in certain situations is. If someone loses control of themselves every time they are in Domspace, for instance, there is a major problem. I they go off the deep end every time they are stressed, or take their anger out on someone whenever tey are upset about something, that is a problem. I do not see how a dominant can control someone else if they cant manage themselves. Aside from the occasional outburst, someone cant be held responsible for the safety of others if they are the ones putting that safety in jeapordy in the first place, now can they?

And no, D/s and vanilla arent all that different. If you think they are then maybe for YOU thats ture, but for some of us they arent. I dont see how someone who consistantly lacks self control can be in a relationship, how they can be a parent or an effective worker. I cant see how they could be a good dom or a good sub for that matter...

DV

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RE: "how can he/she control me..." - 7/29/2009 8:58:05 AM

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Me: "What do you think about the phrase, 'You can't Master another until you Master yourself."

Him: "I can't Master myself, I'm not a submissive."

Okay.. I thought it was funny.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to VampiresLair)

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