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RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 3:57:39 PM

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When I first meet with someone, depression is one of the area's we discuss. How depression is handled can determine whether I wish to be in the relationship or not. I cannot handle on top of what I have going on already... lot's of depression I am expected to guide someone through, heal from or am responsible for. I can help, cheer them up, work things through and such, but not all the time. Of course when they have a problem I try to be there in that moment or as quickly as I can, giving them something to hang on with or have already arranged what needs to happen in case of depression and life getting in the way of dealing with it at that moment.

I tend to have set things to do in case someone has periods of depression and they are to do them until I can be there. Things like ways to sooth themselves, talk to themselves or not talk to themselves, activities or whatever works best for them. They must be able in most situations to handle it until we can handle it. And they must help themselves, do what is agreed on and not expect too much from me, that they really should be doing themselves. If I say don't do this because it creates a situation where it all continues or I say do this so that they can get through it, heal or be helped by a professional or whatever... they best do it. If they don't, they don't get my attention, as I will not have a continuous situation needlessly.

If I cannot be there I will give a time frame in which I will discuss it with them... ready or not. I don't think it is a good idea to leave people in limbo if it is a personal situation between the two. I try to resolve things before the night is over or at least discuss and agree to do more later... let's find a comfy spot and chill for the moment.

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RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 4:44:45 PM

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Hypothetically speaking, the person in control tends to impose their priorities. Therefore, the controller needs to seek psychological therapy to learn how be singularly uplifting, and then learn how to share and inspire that upliftment in the surrendered person. Hey, if you choose to drive down a one way street, don't complain about the direction of traffic -- unless you are a hypocritical narcissist who could actually care less about how your partner actually feels, and how your direction inspires feelings in your partner.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 5:46:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

whats if it something like seasonal or clinical depression vagabond?

Sorry, I am neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist. I do not have the knowledge to understand and know the difference between seasonal and clinical depression. However, IF I have gotten to the point where I am depressed rather than just unhappy, SOMETHING needs to be done. I should be able to go to my Dominant to discuss options with him. If he refuses to acknowledge the problem or do anything to help me, then why am I with him?

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 5:49:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

uhhhhhhhhhhh, in most ways, nope-------- you are a SLAVE with a problem.

That would be my way, not necessarily YOUR way, but you get leeWAY in your talking to Master.

Me

*slaps the cap and scoffs* i've never liked that.

porcelaine

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RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 5:54:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

i am a big advocate for talking and expressing yourself. however, i think there are moments when you can't find the words or don't feel comfortable bringing the issue to him. i believe it is important that a slave has a very good support network of other people on similar paths that are willing to listen without judgment and offer encouragement and advice when warranted or requested.

it can be a difficult road and many times issues like this make the person feel incredibly isolated. sometime a little pep talk is all that's required to give her the motivation she needs to go to him. on other occasions it is the collective sharing and the understanding that she's not alone and others have gone through challenges and surmounted them. if that isn't a possibility and she has befriended a dominant that's another option. though i'd be certain he was comfortable with her confiding in this person beforehand. whatever the case we should always offer a hand to our fellow slaves. at least that's my belief.

porcelaine

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RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 6:09:57 PM

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Some people would not be happy nor comfortable to hear that you are depressed. I told my ex that and he told me to move to Calif if thats what I needed to do. He did want me to be happy, but I didnt feel he had any solutions or help to offer.
I moved. I do still get depressed though sometimes. Dont we all?

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RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 6:55:29 PM

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If the depression is a result of a situational problem, then obviously the answer is to change the situation. Lack of friends? - find a group that relates to something you are interested in - quilt guild, library volunteer, work at the humane society. Or join the local bdsm group. Take some classes in a subject that interests you.

Clinical depression can't be treated by a dom - no matter how sensitive or intuitive. For clinical depression you need a professional or two. And maybe medication.

(in reply to mzbehavin)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 7:10:46 PM

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Clinical depression can't be treated by a dom - no matter how sensitive or intuitive. For clinical depression you need a professional or two. And maybe medication.

Agreed.

However, a dom could and should get the sub some help A huge part of being clinically depressed is not having the energy to do anything about it.

.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to kiwisub12)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 7:12:38 PM

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quote:

A huge part of being clinically depressed is not having the energy to do anything about it.

Too, too true, alas!

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it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to daintydimples)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 7:15:23 PM

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I have clinical depression. It's a continual battle every single day for me. I've dealt with it for so very long since I was a child that I've learned to keep it under control for the most part and I know how to handle it alone.

Master is aware of this and understands that it can be difficult for me at times. I'm always free to express myself whenever I need to. There is no special time or anything. If I have a problem, if I feel as if I'm about to sink since I can usually feel it coming on, I just tell him. We talk about it, he tries to help me talk my way through it but he also knows there's going to be times when the only one who can pull me out of it is me. He sits back and waits. What else can he do? Nothing much really except be there when I'm ready.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 7:17:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

(note: no I'm not depressed, Me and NZ are fine, just a question I was curious about)

I've not read the other replies, just the original post.
As a clinician, you say depression, I want to know: are we talkin' 'feelin' blue' or are we speaking of diagnosable mental illness and, if so, what level.
Also, I want to know about the relationship: how established is it, are emotions something that are healthily dealt with or not within the relationship.

Just taking a generalized stab, I'm generally inclined to sit down with a partner and suck it up and talk even if I would prefer not to at that precise moment. If there's emotional manipulation going on, then the relationship's in trouble anyway. If the person is really clinically depressed, that warrants keeping an eye on. If the person is 'just feeling blue', hearing them out may assist them as well as facilitating intimacy. It's possible to talk with someone about their feelings on a matter without overtly discussing a matter, though I'm reluctant to say I generally think that is a good idea.
Davan

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-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

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(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/25/2009 7:50:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

Been there before. Altho a clinically depressed person can have bouts of reactive depression (my case) I do no usually blame anyone for feeding a reactive depression even tho I KNOW they are.

As a matter of fact, I live in that situation right now (with my mom) and have much to think about on many occasionsof how to handle things.

But to blame actions and speak of another? No, if they don't get that they are feeding my depression they do NOT know me. They are just not into me, so I learn to walk away.

Sir's property

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 2:52:59 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

(note: no I'm not depressed, Me and NZ are fine, just a question I was curious about)

The dominant needs to stop what he/she is doing and do whatever is necessary so that he/she is able to do to address the submissive's concerns. The dominant accepted the sub's submission, now it is time for the dominant to show that he/she is worthy of it. Now of course, there is only so much he/she can do. the dominant must reassure the sub the he/she is there for them and assist the submissive to get whatever medical treatment is required

< Message edited by Acer49 -- 9/26/2009 3:19:30 AM >

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(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 3:19:21 AM

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This is a difficult question ..... whilst I totally get the replies that are saying it's the dominant's role to drop everything and be there to support the s type, my own feeling is that if the dominant is not in the head space or has other issues at the moment and cannot fully be there psychologically for their submissive so maybe pays lip service, listening and trying to provide support when not really able to the submissive may walk away feeling unsupported and unlistened to .... which would be entirely valid but could in fact make them feel worse.

My suggestion would be for both people to talk about this possibility coming up before it happens (if it is known that the submissive is likely to have periods of low mood) and if the dominant is not feeling able right at that moment to provide the support the submissive wants or needs that they have strategies around this. Examples would be the dominant giving a clear indication of when they will be able to fully listen and support and things for the submissive to do until then eg. self soothing (favourite blanket, music, meditation), friends they can call, help lines if serious, appt with their doctor/counsellor, activity and so on.

I read this and was going to reply earlier but instead went and thought about it for longer. I am actually not sure if I am getting the question but I guess my answer is that if the dominant doesn't feel able to talk right now.... be honest and say so, providing some other suggestions/strategies that the s type can do for now until you are ready. This way the d type is respecting their own feelings and capabilities right now as well as acknowledging the needs of the submissive.

Buggar, I don't feel I have clearly explained my thoughts

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(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 4:08:05 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

(note: no I'm not depressed, Me and NZ are fine, just a question I was curious about)

Even if I'm simply a bit fed up, let alone depressed, I don't get as far as needing to tell him. He can tell from the first sentence, or my demeanour and will say * You sound/seem miz, what's up?*.

He's ALWAYS* ready* to talk with me. As far as he's concerned, when I have a problem , he has a problem too. He's never shied away from talking, even when it's not going to be a fun conversation. He's just the type of person that grabs the nettle when it has to be done, there's never been an *I'm not ready* situation in all the years we've been together.

If *not being ready* means not having the time at that moment to give it justice, or he wants to have a think about it, he'll come back to it as soon as he possibly can. If *not being ready* means avoiding it, then no, he wouldn't do that.

What type of *not ready* are you referring to?

agirl

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 6:08:15 AM

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Well if I am not ready to talk, then I assure her that we will discuss it when I am better able to listen and understand what the problem may be. Now if you remove the part about "not ready to talk" you may get a more in depth answer.

Also, your attitude further down in this topic is not what I have seen you display in the past, and I am sure if you think about it, you could probably come up with more appropriate and productive responses to comments you are feeling defensive about.

take care,
Orion

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

(note: no I'm not depressed, Me and NZ are fine, just a question I was curious about)

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

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RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 6:10:23 AM

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Too funny. Many answers I read of yours indicate to me, that you feel the roles may actually be reversed, yet the labels are in opposition.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

(note: no I'm not depressed, Me and NZ are fine, just a question I was curious about)

The dominant needs to stop what he/she is doing and do whatever is necessary so that he/she is able to do to address the submissive's concerns. The dominant accepted the sub's submission, now it is time for the dominant to show that he/she is worthy of it. Now of course, there is only so much he/she can do. the dominant must reassure the sub the he/she is there for them and assist the submissive to get whatever medical treatment is required

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to Acer49)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 6:26:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

When your slave comes to you and tells you she thinks she maybe depressed and she needs to talk to you, how do you deal with it when you are not ready to talk about the situation that's feeding her depression?

(note: no I'm not depressed, Me and NZ are fine, just a question I was curious about)

Well first of all, I know myself well enough to know that anyone that suffers ongoing depression and needs handling with kid gloves, is not for me. I've dealt enough with emotionally high maintainance people to know.........I suck at it. I am not sympathetic to it and tend to be a "snap out of it!!" type.

So, ruling out a reaccuring issue, I would listen, really listen. Try to get to the root of the problem, determine how serious the problem is, see what I could do to improve things. If it wasn't going to be a "snap out of it!" type of situation, she would be getting professional help.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 7:06:22 AM

ranja

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If i was a Master and my slave wanted to talk about some very depressing stuff and i would not think it would either get us anywhere or even be a 'help' for the slave to moan about all this stuff...

then i would maybe order the slave to do some quite strenuous exercize... maybe a springclean... severe vacuum cleaning, hight level dusting... all the settees done inside and out and behind and underneath them maybe some ceilings need painting? scrub some floors... polish the fridge... lets clean and work, it is sure to make the slave feel better...

... or if the weather is good maybe just a very long walk with the dog, tramping through nature, climb a few hills, work up a sweat...

... or dancing if the slave deserves that ... lets take the slave dancing... look for a ceroc (modern jive) venue and have the slave please any man that wants to dance with her.... have her on her feet until she is spent
(this is also an excellent idea for lonely people who want to make new friends)

I know any of these would work for me... i think talking quite often is over rated and just goes round in down wards circles...
when i'm depressed it is best to sweat it out of my body

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

RE: A Depressed Slave - 9/26/2009 7:40:54 AM

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Clinical depression can't be treated by a dom - no matter how sensitive or intuitive. For clinical depression you need a professional or two. And maybe medication.

Generally speaking this is correct, however what if the Dom is also a Mental Health Professional?

Especially with people I am close to, I can usually pick op on depression early on and often being able to talk openly does help. However if I suspect or indeed diagnose Clinical Depression, I take that person to their GP and have them refereed to an appropriate specialist who will work with me on this. There is an ethical issue here about me being a primary therapist for a member of my extended family or household but certainly there are no such constraints about being part of the team. Besides which If I am not able to locate a "kink sympathetic" practitioner, I have no compunction about handling the primary treatment along with a psychiatrist.

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Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

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