nephandi
Posts: 3930
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline
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Greetings
I was Aswad's slave for several years. Though it was a very hard road to get there. I have always been submissive. I remember that I would play servant or slave with my dolls when I was a little girl. One of my favorite games was that my Pizza Hut Courtney doll, my favorite Barbie at the time was a alien come to Earth and as she landed in my back yard I had to care for her as her servant. I spent hours playing I made her tea and washed and tended her clothes and fanned her and served her dinner and brushed her hair. Another game I enjoyed was that an unknown aunt and uncle showed up with their very spoiled daughter. As I had to live with them for a while I became the daughter's servant. I would entertain and serve her and be humiliated. And there was countless other such games where I or the doll I choose in the game to represent me where the slave, servant and so on of another.
The first time I learned of the existence of BDSM I and my mother was watching the news, there was an article about porn movies and how horrible that was. As illustration footage they had chosen 10 seconds or so of a scene with a woman with black hair and her hands tied behind her back kneeling at the feet of another leather clad woman. That image stirred something in me, and I still remember the well even if I could not have been more then 12 or 13 or so when I saw it. At 14 I encountered sex in books as I begun to read a fantasy book series named the Saga of the Ice People. In it the main character of the first book Silje marries the good sorcerer Tengel, their wedding night was the first I ever read of sex outside cold sterile sexual education. Well Silje is a virgin and Tengel is described as...well let us say that it was not just his magic which was great. It is described how Silje suffers through their first night, suffering for the man she loved. That to stirred me.
Then at 16 I met Aswad. Both where interested in BDSM so we decided to try it out. It was fun but it never really got my sparks flying. I am not the kind of person where you would think submissive as soon as you saw me. I am rather outspoken and know what I want. And at first I belived all I wanted was to be a bottom. I did not wish to give up my freedom, just play some spanking butt ad rough sex at times. So since the sparks did not fly I believed perhaps the problem was that I am to close to Aswad, so we found me a play partner. I found it boring. No he was good, and kind and all that, but for me to stand there tied up and just get hit with various instruments with a safe word and with it not really meaning anything and with him only wanting to do the things I was most interesting in and more serving my fantasies then me serving his, it did not work out. He did give me a pet spider though, and she is still with me, but I am getting off track.
That summer I realized that what the problem was, was that I wanted to serve, not just have rough sex and spanky butt, I wanted to belong to someone. Then begun Aswad's and me's long road to forming a lifestyle BDSM relationship. It was off and on, vanilla for a while, then BDSM then vanilla, something was missing.
At that time I was reading the Gor books. I am very into science fiction and especially life extension so the books where most interesting. I got them to be rarities for my science fiction collection. The books where rare back then before they where re published. Anyway the books moved me. I have always been a tomgirl, uninterested in my looks, but the books awoke in me a desire to be seen as a woman, and the relationships between the Masters and slaves in the books felt very right. I joined Gor sites and chat rooms and learned and after a while Aswad got interested to. Eventually we found we would try Gorean Master and slave relationship.
It was wonderful. However there was problems. I need allot of help because I have asperger syndrome, and I know that Aswad sacrifice allot to be with me. I am also a dedicated occultist, and I swore to myself when I was 10 years old to dedicate my life to the occult, and put that first. Now Aswad always accepted that and told me I was silly, but I have always had a problem accepting myself as a slave when I had to put something else before my Master. Aswad later saw that I displayed the responsibility and mind set of a free woman, so he freed me and made me his free companion.
I still miss being a slave as that position feel more natural to me than being a free woman. Truth to be told I often cringe every time someone calls me Mistress. I think, I am like you, I do not deserve that honorific. I do not think that a day go by when I do not consider begging Aswad to be his slave again. But two things stop me, the knowledge that I am neither willing to nor can put him before my occult studies. I feel I was born to study the occult, it is the thing that light my soul aflame the most. And how can I be a slave if I can not put my Master first? I know I am silly, Aswad says that no relationship is perfect, and he want me to study the occult. I would be studying for him. The other thing that hold me back is the honor of being called a free woman, and that is a gift I do not want to toss away. But part of my always long for Aswad's collar and I think it will always be so.
I wish you well
_____________________________
Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad
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RE: Choosing to be a slave - 
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