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aee77 -> Questions (10/26/2009 11:28:17 AM)

As you read please keep in mind that I am very new to this....

I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time - is this just an unspoken rule or is there some reason behind it?

Also - How does one determine a good fit in this type of relationship?

I've read a ton on both the D and s sides but run into a lot of very vague information.... for instance I am unable to find much information regarding BDSM and the Dom's goal if SM, objectification or (forgive me if this is wrong) - a "pet" is not involved.

Any insight or information would be greatly appreciated.



FoundEachOther -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 11:38:48 AM)

quote]As you read please keep in mind that I am very new to this....

I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time - is this just an unspoken rule or is there some reason behind it?

Also - How does one determine a good fit in this type of relationship?

I've read a ton on both the D and s sides but run into a lot of very vague information.... for instance I am unable to find much information regarding BDSM and the Dom's goal if SM, objectification or (forgive me if this is wrong) - a "pet" is not involved.

Any insight or information would be greatly appreciated. [/quote]

I personally think it is important for a sub to know a Dom's expectations prior to meeting them, if they will not at least tell you the basic's I would not be jumping on the band train with them. It all comes down to personal safety.



angelikaJ -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 11:42:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: aee77

As you read please keep in mind that I am very new to this....

I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time - is this just an unspoken rule or is there some reason behind it?

Also - How does one determine a good fit in this type of relationship?

I've read a ton on both the D and s sides but run into a lot of very vague information.... for instance I am unable to find much information regarding BDSM and the Dom's goal if SM, objectification or (forgive me if this is wrong) - a "pet" is not involved.

Any insight or information would be greatly appreciated.



1) A good dominant partner will treat the submissive partner as an individual. So, they really can't tell you how they will train you because they don't know you yet.

2) How does one determine the good fit of any relationship: compatibility.
Similar values and interests and desiring a similar level/style of "play".

3) If I am understanding you correctly, you are interested in a D/s relationship that does not involve SM.

There are quite a few posters here who live their lives like that.




aee77 -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 11:42:51 AM)

ty for the response! I was generally thinking along those lines, but wasn't sure what was considered "acceptable" or not...



aee77 -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 11:45:35 AM)

angelikaJ,

As to "If I am understanding you correctly, you are interested in a D/s relationship that does not involve SM." That is - for the most part correct... I'm more interested in finding out what, exactly a Dominant partner gets out of the relationship... barring what would be "extremes" for me.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 11:45:59 AM)

For me and mine, the goal is our mutual pleasure and self-actualization.

Anyone not willing to discuss in detail what they will be doing with you: I'd wonder why, too. [8|]

RED, RED FLAG!!! Run away!

  If open, two way communication is not part of the deal from the start, what kind of idiot would be interested, or would think that anyone else would be? You'd hafta be a fool, hoping to ensnare a fool, if you thought that you could get away with not being communicative, and not negotiating to see that both parties' needs and desires can be properly addressed within the relationship.

Block and delete those fools.



aee77 -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 11:47:51 AM)

wow ya'll are awesome! Ty so much for the information - I thought I was missing some critical piece... but the whole "wait and see" thing didn't seem right to me. ty,ty,ty!



leadership527 -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 1:00:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: aee77
I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time - is this just an unspoken rule or is there some reason behind it?
"Dominants" do not do this. Only some doms do... apparently the ones you've spoken to. I'm a pretty big believer in forthright communication. Any plan I have which wouldn't survive the light of day is probably not a good plan to start with. I also suspect that you're finding it hard to get a bead on "training" in particular because the word is virtually meaningless in this context.

quote:

Also - How does one determine a good fit in this type of relationship?
Same way you do any other type of relationship. It is a relationship first, D/s second.

quote:

I've read a ton on both the D and s sides but run into a lot of very vague information.... for instance I am unable to find much information regarding BDSM and the Dom's goal if SM, objectification or (forgive me if this is wrong) - a "pet" is not involved.
Goal? Wouldn't each dom and each relationship have it's own goals? Just like your first question, I think you are over-generalizing here. I could tell you what my goals are for my marraige, but that wouldn't really mean much to anyone else. What I would suggest though is that any dom who couldn't clearly and concisely articulate what HIS goals were for YOU in THIS relationship isn't worth his salt.



Lockit -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 2:18:53 PM)

I think I'm confused. Your profile says you are a part of a Dom/sub couple.



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 2:47:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I think I'm confused.

Me too.  My head hurts.  lol



leadership527 -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 4:21:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I think I'm confused.

Me too.  My head hurts.  lol

OK, am I being stupid in some obvious way cause I don't get the confusion *laughs*. But yeah, I'm married to Carol so that makes me part of a Dom/sub couple, right?



angelikaJ -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 4:25:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I think I'm confused.

Me too.  My head hurts.  lol

OK, am I being stupid in some obvious way cause I don't get the confusion *laughs*. But yeah, I'm married to Carol so that makes me part of a Dom/sub couple, right?


I believe Lockit was referring to the OP.



Lockit -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 4:35:25 PM)

LOL... thanks Angelika! Very correct. My head was spinning there for a moment trying to figure out how to explain this one. (Brain cells are all stuffed up and medicated!)

Leadership... I was just trying to understand if the op was looking for suggestions for her dom and herself or if she was talking about other dominant's or what was going on. So'z I was confused! lol



DesFIP -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 7:33:20 PM)

It doesn't matter why lots of them won't talk about what they would like as long as you say goodbye and keep looking for someone who is willing to talk about it.

You find a good relationship that's kinky the same way you find a good vanilla one. You need commonalities in those things that are important for you to have in common, you need similar moral and ethical viewpoints, you need to have a sincere liking and respect for each other as people, you need a certain amount of friendship, and you need that elusive and undefinable chemistry.

Why do you assume a dom has any big, bad goal in mind other than having a life that he finds worthwhile? What about him wanting this simply because he likes to be king of his castle and have it ordered the way he likes, with a companion who is happy like that herself?

Beyond that, talk to the different men who have profiles that you find interesting, stop talking if they don't attract you, keep talking if they do. Just like regular people.



antipode -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 8:12:38 PM)

quote:

I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time


I am confused too. Which half of the dom/sub couple are you? And have you asked the other half? Apart from which, I doubt very much that your statement is true, would love to hear where you get this idea from.



Malkinius -> RE: Questions (10/26/2009 11:23:32 PM)

Greetings aee77.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: aee77
As you read please keep in mind that I am very new to this....

I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time - is this just an unspoken rule or is there some reason behind it?


There are usually several reasons. The main one is that they don't know what they are doing. I don't mean, they don't know you or know enough about you to plan a training regimen, I mean they have no clue what to do. They make it up as they go along while doing what gets them off and as long as they get off on it really don't care. Some toss together the above plus what they read in BDSM porn about "training" and claim to know what they are doing. They actually have a bit more of a clue than the first group. If you are lucky they have done some of this before and seen what works and doesn't.

Anyone who knows what they are doing and has experience should be able to give you an outline of what they do and why they do it. The more they know you the more the outline gets expanded, filled in and changed. The good teachers will keep explaining things as they go along. No, they won't explain everything ahead of time or sometimes even afterwards but like any good teacher they are always leading or pointing you towards some goal. Also, sometimes they can't say why they did something more than it seemed the right thing to do at the time and on rare occasion, because they felt like it or it amused them. I will note that deliberately doing a few things for those reasons can be excellent training tools. (It is left as an exercise for the student to figure out why that is the case.)

quote:

Also - How does one determine a good fit in this type of relationship?


The simple answer is find someone with the same goals you have. Be very and brutally honest with yourself about what you must or need to have at the minimum and keep refining that as you learn more. Try to keep it to no more than three things. I have found that after three the rest are really wants, not needs. After that the rest is details.

I've read a ton on both the D and s sides but run into a lot of very vague information.... for instance I am unable to find much information regarding BDSM and the Dom's goal if SM, objectification or (forgive me if this is wrong) - a "pet" is not involved.

quote:

Any insight or information would be greatly appreciated.


The more specific the question and the more background to the question the better the answer you will receive. Communication is one of the things I require to train someone.

Be well....

Malkinius



DarkSteven -> RE: Questions (10/27/2009 4:58:05 AM)

A lot of times "training" is a euphemism for "I'm going to do anything to you I want without a relationship".  The best training you can receive is from the one that you serve.



BitaTruble -> RE: Questions (10/27/2009 6:12:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: aee77


I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time - is this just an unspoken rule or is there some reason behind it?


There are a whole bunch of 'could be' reasons and one which I haven't seen mentioned yet is that when someone asks for specific training information, what they are really looking for is wank fodder and being objectified to provide it gets tiresome after a while.

quote:

Also - How does one determine a good fit in this type of relationship?


Time, effort and good communication skills tend to work really well for M/s, D/s and even vanilla types of relationships.

quote:

I've read a ton on both the D and s sides but run into a lot of very vague information.... for instance I am unable to find much information regarding BDSM and the Dom's goal if SM, objectification or (forgive me if this is wrong) - a "pet" is not involved.


Goals are very subjective. You'd probably do well to just ask the folks who are of interest to you what their goals are, see if they align with your own and take it from there.

Welcome to the boards. :)



leadership527 -> RE: Questions (10/27/2009 8:47:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Leadership... I was just trying to understand if the op was looking for suggestions for her dom and herself or if she was talking about other dominant's or what was going on. So'z I was confused! lol
*laughs* well thank god it was just that stupid "fast reply" thing. For a moment there I thought senility had set in abruptly. I even re-read the original post and my answer 3 times trying to figure out what I had gotten garbled *chuckles*.



alittleevil -> RE: Questions (10/27/2009 6:35:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: aee77

As you read please keep in mind that I am very new to this....

I am curious to know why Dominants/Masters/Tops etc... seem very unwilling to discuss training ahead of time - is this just an unspoken rule or is there some reason behind it?


Could you please provide more information on what you mean by "training"?  Do you mean their specific methods?  Or what are they training you for? Are they being cryptic like "Oh, don't worry your pretty head about that...you'll find out when you get here"? Are you (or they) looking for some formal, standardized approach? They might not have anything more elaborate than "I'll teach you what I like and want as we go along." (Alternatively, some of those you are talking to might be being "mysterious" if they simply don't know what they would do once they had you!)

quote:

Also - How does one determine a good fit in this type of relationship?


Do you like each other? Do you have similar tastes? Do you seem fundamentally compatible as individuals or do you get that awkward sense each of you is playing a role that is getting in the way of communicating as mere people?  Are you looking for a life/romantic companion? A D/s relationship that is more "set apart" from your routine daily life? Something in between?  D)Done of the above?  If you can first define this, it will help you communicate it with others.

quote:

I've read a ton on both the D and s sides but run into a lot of very vague information.... for instance I am unable to find much information regarding BDSM and the Dom's goal if SM, objectification or (forgive me if this is wrong) - a "pet" is not involved.


Meaning basically D/s without accouterments?  Service and/or obedience.  Or a very traditional Male (or Female-) led household. Anything is possible, from high-protocol dynamics (in which the submissive is generally trained in a more formal manner) to a lifestyle that is more laid back in day to day 'style' but in which absolute obedience and pleasing service are still required.  A D/s relationship that does not involve SM as a sexual expression (or for its own sake) may (might, maybe, possibly) still involve physical disciplinary tactics and/or some degree of objectification/humiliation that occur as part of the process of getting to the dominant party's ideal of service and obedience, so be aware of that possibility.

Peace,
aj




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