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New to this - 8/31/2004 10:13:14 PM

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/29/2004
Status: offline

Hello, all. I was wondering if any of you had any advice for a person (read: me) who is new to this sort of thing. It feels a little strange bridging the gap between fantasy and reality, and I've tried to get all the info I could on the subject. But it's still been unfamilar, so I wanted to ask all of you about your experiences getting into this scene at first. Reactions, thoughts, dos, don'ts etc. Any advice would be helpful. (I decided to ask in here because though I've never thought of myself in definate terms, I guess the closest would be sub.) Anyway, thanks for the help.
Yours,
Karasuman

_____________________________

My girl hates the IRA.

RE: New to this - 8/31/2004 11:13:26 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

I know most people will disagree with me on this, but I found it best to first enter real-life play with a dominant partner who was also new to bdsm. It was wonderful to be able to grow together, and slowly feel our way onto new ground.

I was advised to seek out an experienced dominant person to start me. I'm glad I didn't, because things went very slowly and there were huge ammounts of comunication. We took little steps and discovered each others limits and reactions.

So...my best advice is to find someone new to start with, and to feel comfortable talking about what your doing so you can say "this hurts" or "this is making my hackles go up."

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Karasuman)

RE: New to this - 9/1/2004 5:03:42 AM

Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

I agree with perverseangelic.
However, my first BDSM relationship (which also happened to be my first relationship) was with another sunmissive, things didn't get too far

, but we learned a lot about ourselves and what makes us happy. I believe that is is more important to find someone you trust to learn with, although having them be dominant would be very helpful.
Also, I have a friend who thought she was a submissive until she actually tried being dominant, then she changed her mind and keeps telling me that I am missing out. I'm not saying that would happen, but you never know

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: New to this - 9/1/2004 7:50:03 AM

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Detroit
Status: offline

well someone had to disagree right? I'd say its different for each person as to weather you should find someone new or experienced. This lifestyle is more about what you WANT than what other think you SHOULD do. Do you want someone inexperienced to grow with or would you rather have someone who knows what they are doing to teach you. I often find that 2 inexperienced people when put together still dont know what to do. But thats my experience on the matter. I've found for me not actually serving or Being Dom helped at first so I just found a Mentor to follow. Now I have my own experiences and others experiences to pull from.

_____________________________

LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED
BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "HOLY
SHIT......WHAT A RIDE!

(in reply to siamsa24)

RE: New to this - 9/3/2004 5:19:59 AM

Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karasuman

Hello, all. I was wondering if any of you had any advice for a person (read: me) who is new to this sort of thing. It feels a little strange bridging the gap between fantasy and reality, and I've tried to get all the info I could on the subject. But it's still been unfamilar, so I wanted to ask all of you about your experiences getting into this scene at first. Reactions, thoughts, dos, don'ts etc. Any advice would be helpful. (I decided to ask in here because though I've never thought of myself in definate terms, I guess the closest would be sub.) Anyway, thanks for the help.
Yours,
Karasuman

For me was easier with a experienced Dom, i am very shy (who knew huh) but in BDSM play Y/you have to be very careful and safe and being new i wanted a Dom who knew how to be safe for the both of U/us.

My advice to Y/you is read, read, read and read some more first before Y/you get into any BDSM play. First of all Y/you have to trust who Y/your playing with tremendously. There are many threads on what to watch out for before Y/you meet someone from online. Found this one below it is good...

first meeting guidelines

second Y/you need to know Y/your hard limits and express them very well to Y/your partner. Make sure they know Y/your new and need to start off slow.

There is so much to learn and even those in the lifestyle or a long time still learns everyday. i wish Y/you luck but i can't express enough how important it is to BE SAFE!

Castle realm is the first site a Dom friend gave to me when i was new for me to read... It's a excellent source and good place to start... Reading the boards is wonderful learning, very experienced people here with a lot of knowledge.

castle realm

If i can help more in anyway i would be glad to chat more with Y/you off the boards... My name is jenn and Y/you can contact me in collarme email.

Hugs and wonderful luck to Y/you!!

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to Karasuman)

RE: New to this - 9/3/2004 8:47:53 AM

Posts: 32
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

Hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes by posting here... but I have a few things that might be good for submissives... Links to follow:

Online Predators

Acid Test for Dominants

Remember these aren't set in stone, just meant to help submissives... and may very well be posted elsewhere here.

_____________________________

Don't get upset if I disagree, it doesn't mean I am right... only I see it differently.

(in reply to subbiejenn)

RE: New to this - 9/3/2004 1:42:33 PM

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/29/2004
Status: offline

Hey, thank you A/all for the info! I really appreciate Y/you taking the time to help me out.

_____________________________

My girl hates the IRA.

(in reply to Maltor)

RE: New to this - 9/10/2004 11:03:39 AM

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Something that wasn't suggested here. Why don't you seek out a munch in your area? Let the host know prior you are new and learning. Not quite sure how you identify with the lifestyle yet. They can sort of hold your hand. Introduce you around.
Perhaps even set you up to play in public. With someone who will be gentle, knowing your predicament. It will give you a better idea if you even like to play. What you like, etc?

(in reply to Karasuman)

RE: New to this - 9/10/2004 6:20:26 PM

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/29/2004
Status: offline

I have looked into some groups near my area, and have actually been invited to one by some people I met on this site. (if you're reading this, thanks) The main problem is that while there are several groups near me, me getting there has complications. (some time/distance issues) The main problem, however, is the fact that I'm apprehensive (read: scared ****less) about doing anything in public.
I know that sounds kind of lame, but it's just the way I am. I realize than many groups would be more than happy to show me the ropes, so to speak, but I'm doubtful about putting myself out there when I'm still not sure about my own position on the lifestyle.
For a long while now, my involvement in this scene has been very private (secret). More theory than anything else. Because of that, the move into the reality of the scene has been problematic. I've read many accounts of people who got into it because a friend introduced them, and I have to say that I envy them quite a bit. All the steps I've tried to take have been alone, and I wish it had been otherwise.
Wow, I think i'm the most long-winded person I know. (laughs)

_____________________________

My girl hates the IRA.

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: New to this - 9/10/2004 11:29:53 PM

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Then I suggest you go to one of these groups. Tell them of your aprehensions...communicate. Then while at a party they can take you in a private room and play.
Just have a DM watch over you.

(in reply to Karasuman)

RE: New to this - 9/11/2004 1:12:24 PM

Posts: 765
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
Status: offline

quote:

The main problem, however, is the fact that I'm apprehensive (read: scared ****less) about doing anything in public.

That is one of the nice things about munches - you are not really expected to do anything other than show up, eat, drink, and be merry - oh and have the opportunity to discuss lifestyle topics with like minded people, all in a casual public setting - most munches there is no repeat no play involved at all (as they are held in vanilla restaurants ) although there may be a demo scheduled (if held in a private room at the restaurant) - it is more a chance to get out and meet and greet people with similar interests to yours - to explore, if you will, to find out if this is actually something you would like to pursue/become, to learn form others who may have experience in what you are going through - to network and mayhap find someone to accompany you on your journey if you decide the lifestyle is for you

a munch is also a nice intermediate step between the fantasy/research part of the lifestyle and actually stepping out and living the lifestyle - where you might be uncomfortable at a play party, knowing that action will be taking place and may be expected of you, you may find the 'vanilla' setting of a munch more amenable

hope this helps

< Message edited by Thanatosian -- 9/11/2004 1:15:53 PM >

_____________________________

Apply Usual Caveats Here

An expert is somone who has made all the mistakes there are to be made

(in reply to Karasuman)

RE: New to this - 9/13/2004 8:21:10 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/30/2004
Status: offline

My Husband and i are both new to the scene, We have been married for 28 years. We are taking it slowly. i can't imagine having any other Master

< Message edited by Kenandkate -- 9/13/2004 8:27:36 PM >

(in reply to Karasuman)

RE: New to this - 9/14/2004 6:33:44 AM

Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kenandkate

My Husband and i are both new to the scene, We have been married for 28 years. We are taking it slowly. i can't imagine having any other Master

Welcome to collarme boards... this is a wonderful place to learn... BDSM is wonderful in itself but to have Love and 28 years of marriage already must be a awesome feeling. i wish Y/you both the best!!

Growing and learning together, discovering new things ~~ have fun but be safe :)

*hugs*

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to Kenandkate)

RE: New to this - 9/16/2004 11:14:37 PM

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

If I may, I began this lifestyle with my exwife; both of us green. We thought the same thing, we will grow into this and add to the smorgasbord of our life. What we did not foresee was that we would actually grow apart. What we needed, as we progressed, wasn't what the other did. We eventually ended up going our own separate way in life and the lifestyle. No way do I state that this would be true for every married couple coming into this. It is just that the possibility exists. I suggest many many discussions on why you are drawn, your expectations and what you want from it. I also suggest a mentor (if possible) for the each of you to assist in your goals.

I highly recommend, one way or another, to find a munch near you, even if it is a few hours away. That is the easiest and safest avenue to take to meet like-minded others. One last thing to the subs here. As a founding member of a local group here in my area I have found the hardest to draw to a munch, workshop or any other function are the single subs. Other than forums such as this, they offer you the safest haven to talk, ask questions, listen and learn. If possible, do attend workshops...know what activities are in this lifestyle and what they entail. Though they may not end up as something you partake in at least you have the knowledge to make a better decision. If it is something that heats your blood, you can indulge with the knowledge of all the safety precautions in place to enjoy it to it's fullest.

CC

(in reply to subbiejenn)

RE: New to this - 9/17/2004 3:24:00 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/15/2004
Status: offline

Reading this has helped a lot, thanks folks.

(in reply to CarnalCravings)

RE: New to this - 9/17/2004 7:39:19 AM

Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karasuman

Hello, all. I was wondering if any of you had any advice for a person (read: me) who is new to this sort of thing. It feels a little strange bridging the gap between fantasy and reality, and I've tried to get all the info I could on the subject. But it's still been unfamilar, so I wanted to ask all of you about your experiences getting into this scene at first. Reactions, thoughts, dos, don'ts etc. Any advice would be helpful. (I decided to ask in here because though I've never thought of myself in definate terms, I guess the closest would be sub.) Anyway, thanks for the help.
Yours,
Karasuman

Hi Karasuman,

my first advise is patience that is the hardest thing for me. Take the time to read read read and meet people before jumping into things with someone. I am a jumper so i know and its hard to take a step back and when you are new and we have whats been referred to as the frenzies, it can ge almost impossible not to go full steam ahead.

Find a sub that you relate to and can talk to and learn from their experinces. Please be safe on this journey, there are some really not nice people out there that like newbies so they can take advantage of. That is something i would hope no one has to experience as some have already.

Be well, enjoy the ride and take your time! Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to Karasuman)

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