Collarchat.com

Create a
Free Account		 As the Collar Turns:
 Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home  Login  Search 
Espanol  Deutsch  Francais  Italiano  Portugues 

To those seeking a second


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> To those seeking a second Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
To those seeking a second - 11/3/2009 12:06:35 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 1680
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I started to use this as an answer in 'Why do it?', then decided it was just enough off topic that I did not want to risk a derailing.


this is not really to every Dom on here who is seeking His second (spoken from my dynamic standpoint, but all dynamics, of course, could apply). Only to some of them - but those some seem to do a lot of writing to unattached submissives, such as myself. If this happens to be you, I have some free advice for you, or something to attempt to explain, that could, potentially, help you in your hunt. Or, well, anyway, your hunt for me - if we are just not a fit because of this, I wish you well in your search.

Many Doms who already own slaves will write, because they are looking for a second. the Dom, that is, is looking for a second. the first slave? Well, most likely, being a slave, she just doesn't have much choice, and Maser will train her to his way of thinking once he gets the other slave there, and, since he is Master, and he so wills it, it will all work out fine, cause he will order it to work out fine.

at the best, she has reluctantly consented. At the worst, she has consented on condition of a whole bunch of conditions which basicly amount to, yes, you can beat another woman, but she better not get any attention, affection, love, support, friendship, quality time, ect, ect, ect. At that rate, I could be in an affair with a cheating appaerantly monogamous man, for all that it will get me.

The most common statement is, "I am the Dom. Your focus will be on me. You don't have to worry about her.'

See, if that was what I wanted (and, in fact, that would be fine with me, I am not hard set upon just having to have a poly situation, myself) - to get that, I would find a monogamous Master. If I am going to engage in a poly relationship, my reward comes in having a sisterslave. the most important thing in that relaitonship is not you, the all powerful Dominant upon who I should be focusing all my attention - but HER. She is what makes the difference, to me, to make me consider joining your poly household.

Some on here answered in the 'why do it' thread and pointed out that, maybe you love a Dominant that you can't have to yourself. Okay, but when you are writing a potential submissive, they do not love you at that point. The reason I would consider joining you, as a dominant who already has a slave in place, is to be in a loving household, - is because of the potential very special relationship with HER - the chance to have a sisterslave. If you already have a slave, I promise you, you are not such a catch that it is YOU that I just can't resist, it is the honest chance to join a fine, functioning, loving BDSM family.



_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/3/2009 5:52:36 PM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline 		I just wanted to make a quick comment that I think this is very sweet and very indicative of a person actually being cut from the fabric of poly.
Maggi

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/8/2009 6:40:44 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		An excellent post. When I am looking to enter into a poly relationship, I get turned off by not knowing about the other partners. I want to have a good relationship with them as well. Perhaps not lovers, but certainly trusting friends.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/10/2009 2:57:34 PM   
tekniq


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/8/2009
Status: offline 		My wife and I will never have children, although we wouldn't mind having a family. A poly relationship would allow us to have that family without ever changing diapers and wiping noses. Also, my wife and I live the better part of our lives on equal footing. Her submissive side only comes out when it's time for sex (finally a sign given off by a woman that I can actually read!). Another submissive woman (and possibly slave) in our relationship would give me an outlet for my dominant needs when my wife is feeling like a perfectly strong member of the household. My wife's submissiveness also becomes much more pronounced when she's around other subs (and I find her to be a whole lot hotter when she's more submissive). Another submissive woman would also give her a safe partner to explore her bi-sexuality.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 1:43:01 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4035
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

The most common statement is, "I am the Dom. Your focus will be on me. You don't have to worry about her.'

That would annoy me.

There are fewer thing that would make me smile wider than to see the genuine, amorous, playful interactions between two of my partners.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 7:49:07 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 6434
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		damn.... you mean the sun doesn't revolve around the earth??? oh my poor ego can't take this reality....

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 8:10:25 AM   
northernsiren


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		I never set out to be in a poly relationship, I thought myself to be too jealous to ever be happy there.  In first joining this site, I met a Master who was seeking a second, and talked to him quite a bit. In time, I began talking to his slave as well.  I ended up visiting them and spending 4 days in their household, which they asked me to join. I declined, because between the move that would be required and the huge departure from my experience and concept of what I wanted, it was just too much for me at that time, though who knows what the future holds.  I write in response to this post because despite my ultimate decision I truly had my eyes opened to what poly was, and the benefits of it and wanted to share. I have read some things on this board I find troubling, and hoped to share my experience to show what GOOD poly can be.

First off, my relationship was with both people.  Yes, I talked to the Master more, a lot more, but part of the reason for that was my relationship with his slave was effortless.  She was/is beautiful, sweet and so loving, completely selfless in all things.  It was more difficult to accept his dominance and thus we had to work at it more. Plus, he knew the depth of her feelings for me, and mine for her, and wanted to prevent us from getting hurt by each other, if my decision was ultimately not to join them.

Second, I found it easier to be the second.  In coming into their relationship, I was fulfilling a need they both shared.  Her need stemmed from bisexuality, and a yearning to share her experience with a sister slave.  She wanted me just as much if not more than he did, someone tender and loving like her, someone to cuddle and whisper and giggle with.  He had the typical male desire for a second woman, however his overarching reason was for a companion for her.  He loved/s her so much, he couldn't stand to think of her alone.   When I visited them, they both welcomed me with open arms.  She and I spent most of the time wrapped around each other, embracing and cuddling, kissing and smiling while he looked on with pleasure and pride having two happy beautiful women in his home.  NEVER did I feel like I was intruding on their love, or that my place was threatened or insecure because I was so wanted by both people.

Third, there was no issue of dominance between her and I.  I looked to her for guidance in terms of how to behave and how to be pleasing, but she had no desire to dominate me or be dominated by me.  I get no pleasure from domming anyone, though admittedly with women I can be more sexually aggressive, that is a different thing. 

Finally, she and I both being givers, were more concerned of each other's happiness and pleasure than our own.  We "fought" over who cleared dishes, prepared food, etc. We easily assumed tasks together, straightening up, making the bed, etc.  I couldn't stand to be idle while she worked, and vice versa.  She would constantly pick things out for me at the store, never for herself and I would do the same.  Her happiness was mine. 

To close a story which I believe sums up the best of poly.  The Master was playing with us, and ordered us both to cum, with the admonishment that the one who came second would be punished.  Both of us looked at each other, and fought so hard not to cum, so that the other would not be punished.  In the end, we watched each other, and came at exactly the same time, so either we both would be punished or neither of us.  This was a powerful moment for all three of us, the desire to protect the other above all else, and sacrifice for that end to me was at the heart of what the best poly experience should be. 

I find it sad to read on here stories of firsts that feel alienated or insecure as a result of the idea of introducing a second.  Like many couples have children to fix their relationships, so too do D/s couples bring a second in to "fix things". This will never work.  By all rights, seeking a second should occur when you have a most perfect love, a stable home, a strong bond, so good that you want to share it with another, where their presence can only enrich your already existing happiness, and should be COMPLETELY desired and yearned for by both parties.  A good Master would never want his first to suffer by the idea or presence of a second, it should entirely negate the idea if it causes her a moments distress. Just my .02...

Best wishes to all for their successes!

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 8:23:31 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

See, if that was what I wanted (and, in fact, that would be fine with me, I am not hard set upon just having to have a poly situation, myself) - to get that, I would find a monogamous Master. If I am going to engage in a poly relationship, my reward comes in having a sisterslave. the most important thing in that relaitonship is not you, the all powerful Dominant upon who I should be focusing all my attention - but HER. She is what makes the difference, to me, to make me consider joining your poly household.


Brilliant. :)

Personally, I'm not into the rhetoric of sisterhood (I'd be cool with a brother slave.) but your larger point is very well stated. 

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 8:31:49 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 22760
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: online 		The thing that I find interesting is that online, I have never once had anyone that has contacted me, WANT to hear about the other people in my life. Not once. 

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 9:04:47 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2226
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		That's because you've already said you won't discuss generic dude on here and i'd automatically assume you aint going to discuss your grand kids or whoever to strangers
*has got answers to everything*


_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 9:10:12 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 20086
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline 		LaT, that has been a factor in every single occasion when a situation hasn't worked out.




_____________________________

Proud owner of LPslittleclip.


I really do appreciate your opinion and all, but My dynamic is not a democracy and you don't get a vote.

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 9:24:18 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 22760
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: online
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

That's because you've already said you won't discuss generic dude on here and i'd automatically assume you aint going to discuss your grand kids or whoever to strangers
*has got answers to everything*



There is a marked difference in discussing personal life stuff with all and sundry and discussing personal life stuff with someone that has expressed a sincere interest in being a part of my personal life.

On here, it is a respect and consideration for those that I love. I respect other people's privacy. It's no different than if you had emailed me, talked to me on the phone, or visited me. I would be very selective in what part of that I divulged on the forums. It is not for public consumption. It doesn't matter if you identify as slave, submissive, or are simply a vanilla person I care about.......I care about you and your privacy. Especially with a net paranoid person like GD who expressly asked to not be a part of my internet discussions except in a very vague way. I would do the same for you.

If someone wants to become someone I love, wants to serve me, become a part of my life, I would be more impressed if they showed some interest in my personal life beyond their own kink. If they asked me exactly WHO generic dude is, what the relationship is and how it would relate to their place in the home. How they would relate to other family members, etc.

On here, no one needs to know that stuff. If they want to be a part of my life, I would think it would be VERY important to them.

But no, I get moronic questions like........"Where would I be caged?" "How would you punish me?" etc...


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 9:32:48 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2226
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

But no, I get moronic questions like........"Where would I be caged?" "How would you punish me?" etc...


dayum I thought those things turned you on...

as to the rest... you're right.


_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 9:37:54 AM   
stef


Posts: 5273
Joined: 1/26/2004
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

But no, I get moronic questions like........"Where would I be caged?" "How would you punish me?" etc...

That's when you send them the photo of your lime pit.

~stef


_____________________________

Some people are like Slinkies. They have no practical use whatsoever, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 10:26:28 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 22760
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: online 		I knew I was forgetting something.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 7:22:43 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2225
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: northernsiren


First off, my relationship was with both people.  Yes, I talked to the Master more, a lot more, but part of the reason for that was my relationship with his slave was effortless.  She was/is beautiful, sweet and so loving, completely selfless in all things.  It was more difficult to accept his dominance and thus we had to work at it more. Plus, he knew the depth of her feelings for me, and mine for her, and wanted to prevent us from getting hurt by each other, if my decision was ultimately not to join them.




Thank you. Your whole story is beautiful. It also sounds very much like what Master and I tried to create with someone. It didn't work out because she was not emotionally ready to submit to Him; she and I got on like a house on fire.

You've given me hope that our goal is realistic and achievable.

_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
The Pimpettes
MoGa's IN-Crowd

"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to northernsiren)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/11/2009 8:46:30 PM   
CandleSwitch


Posts: 10
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: offline 		This is a great post. In one of the off again times with my owner(?), he found someone else. We had always talked about being poly, and I am bisexual. So I thought it was not so bad when he and I reconciled, and she came to live with us instead.

Unfortunately, we did receive the "focus will be on me" aspect, but I knew she was straight, and miserable when he made her interact with me on another level. I wasn't physically attracted to her either, and it led to issues between them I think. As odd as it might sound, I can't really get jealous for long at time (something in my brain chemistry according to a shrink when I was teen), and managed on my own a lot better than they did. Oftentimes, I tried to support her when they got into it, but that just frustrated him.

I still wonder what happen to Jen, and hope she ended up having a happy life after all. I don't really grieve, but I do feel some regret that circumstances prevented us from being sister slaves as I think he wanted for us, and you are absolutely right about a Master not being such a catch that he can't be resisted if there is no promise of a functioning household. I wish that all girls kept that amount of perspective when looking or being approached.


quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske
The most common statement is, "I am the Dom. Your focus will be on me. You don't have to worry about her.'

If I am going to engage in a poly relationship, my reward comes in having a sisterslave. the most important thing in that relaitonship is not you, the all powerful Dominant upon who I should be focusing all my attention - but HER. She is what makes the difference, to me, to make me consider joining your poly household.

Some on here answered in the 'why do it' thread and pointed out that, maybe you love a Dominant that you can't have to yourself. Okay, but when you are writing a potential submissive, they do not love you at that point. The reason I would consider joining you, as a dominant who already has a slave in place, is to be in a loving household, - is because of the potential very special relationship with HER - the chance to have a sisterslave. If you already have a slave, I promise you, you are not such a catch that it is YOU that I just can't resist, it is the honest chance to join a fine, functioning, loving BDSM family.



(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/12/2009 7:29:37 AM   
northernsiren


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'm glad my story could give you hope.  In the end, I think it's best the potential person knew themselves well enough to say they weren't ready, what an awful thing to open your home and hearts to someone and have them "flake" after the fact.  I looked at your profile, and both you and your Master seem to be wonderful, loving people. I am sure if you meet the right person, it will work out most beautifully.

Best wishes! 

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/14/2009 7:32:25 PM   
ESVA24SubF


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		My wife and I are seeking a second. The reason it came up was her desire to explore her bisexual desires, and of course once she was satisfied, I could have privileges with the sub of my sub :-) This seems to be the crux of what many have said on here. The second is desired by us BOTH, and wouldn't find herself tossed aside like a sex toy when we're not horny. Anyone who comes into a relationship, poly or not, has some things the want or expect out of that situation. If they don't find what they seek, they feel their time has been wasted. This is all the more reason for people to get acquainted and learn as much about each others wants needs and desires as possible, and if someone concentrates on the "will I be caged? and How would I be punished?" aspects up front, they are probably too shallow to be seriously considered. A CERTAIN amount of that is to be expected to see if the rough dynamic is even what a person is looking for, but that wouldn't take more than a few lines in the first few emails. After all, if a total pain slut were otherwise totally compatible with a couple she wouldn't be happy if they were a Daddy Dom and his 'little girl' looking for a 'baby girl' (pretty much our situation) But I wouldn't send any messages out to a pain slut, and I doubt there's anything in our profile that would elicit an inquiry from one (NOT slamming masochists, just not into sadism myself). But once you find that yes, the party you're talking to IS into the same....proclivities that you enjoy, you need to start concentrating on what TV shows you and they like, if you even enjoy similar foods, and what day to day LIFE would be like, not just playtime.

(in reply to northernsiren)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: To those seeking a second - 11/15/2009 8:11:01 AM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1042
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		my poly family does not yet have a second but i would welcome the addition to it weather it was another for my Mistress or her primary partner. it would be best to be able to work with all the members of the family to make it the best it can be.

_____________________________

proud slave of LadyPact

(in reply to ESVA24SubF)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> To those seeking a second Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2012
Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

1.453