lusciouslips19
Posts: 8576
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: online
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I have never been in a Psych ward but I have had my challenges with Anxiety and depression. I have had sort of manic moments but they were always positive fun loving or me being motivated losing weight and exercise and more hyper. I didnt even realize how messed up I was until I went to my doctor for my blood pressure and was desperate to lose weight. So he prescribed Meridia for weight loss. It was the first time I felt normal. Thats when I realized I had a problem. So consulting my doctor and seeing what was in this drug , I was eventually switched to Wellbutrin. I have been on it ever since. But that not what this is about.
Its been a rough year with months of depression. job loses, losses of a man I loved, hormonal imbalances due to perimenopause and not taking my meds faithfully, and the eminent upcoming death of my mother. She has deteriorated greatly. She really has very few months left of life. Most of you know she was diagnosed with ALS a year ago. In january she was still working. Now shes barely able to live the bed. Her breathing is very shallow. She cant speak anymore and she is on breathing machines and meds and a feeding tube.
I disconnected from people, lost my faith in god, holed up in my messy apartment doing nothing.
I went about what I had to but lost my zest, my fun and the core of myself. I had lost my joy.
I was always spiritual so with what has been occuring with my mother, did not make sense as I always believed that things happen for a reason of growth. That there is a purpose. I just didnt see how if there was a god, why he or she would be taking my mother. Especially since she was rarely sick, always beautiful, watched her weight and exercised all the time by walking alot. She was always going.
I went to work at The Red Door Spa. In a month I have complaints. One of them was that I was "green". I have been a massage therapist for years. But I lost my confidence because i have never done this pampering type of massage. So In some ways I am out of my element.
The manager had a talk with me and showed me how she practiced smiling in her mirror. I was being seen as nervous and negative by some. I wasnt making eye contact. I was told I have to give them the clients and experience of pampering and caring and connection. I needed to smile with my eyes. Ask them if there was anything else I could do to make their experience better.
I took this talk to heart. I dont want to lose this job. So after the talk I had female clients, taking time away to take care of themselves. Wives, mothers of little ones. I smiled, I madeit clear it was about them and they deserved it. I made eye contact. I smiled. My job was depending on it.
One woman during her treatment kept aplogizing. When I asked why she said,"Im sorry itsd a habit". A little while later, I looked at her and said,"I have a mantra for you", "Its I dont have toapologize and I deserve to take care of myself". Then I said, "i dont know why I just said that". She said,"because I needed to hear it".
This is when my epiphany and belief came back. I remembered why I became a massage therapist. Its about the spiritual connection to people. I dont have to believe in a supreme being. I just have to believe in the connection and effect I can have on people whether I enter their life for a minute, and hour or a lifetime. I have to plug back in. Buddhist say we have to live fully in the present moment. Afriend of mine always says."live like you mean it".
So now I am smiling at everyone and asking them how they are. I am making eye contact and connections with clients.
I am really thankful for the tough love I got from a superior that made me reconnect. I really needed to be me again.
I went to the red door spa to do fluffy massage thinking I would not have to get deep with people. Trusting again is scary, being vulnerable and showing my self is scary. Who would have thought that the place would force me to grow!
I love you guys and just want to thank you for for loving me even during my dark times and times I wasnt so giving and was self absorbed in my shell.
Ok, well its still about me, Im such an attention whore being a middle child and all. I just wanted to post this seperate. I will now go back to my regularly programmed threads.
_____________________________
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
-- Bernard Meltzer
Alas, I've been usurped by a doormat.
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I had a mental health epiphany. - 
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