|
CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: I Admit It I........ (3/9/2012 10:21:52 AM)
|
I admit that I spend more time in the "casual banter" section than anywhere else in the forums...though when I first joined over 6 years ago, under another "name", it was different.
I came here originally after a failed marriage and after recognizing aspects of myself. I wanted to learn, I ended up with a woman who was a sub/slave and had more 'experience' in D/s than myself. I learned a lot about myself, I wrote a lot, I learned from others here and some actually had respect for what I had to say (I even had followers...poor, delusional fools).
I also learned a lot about myself. I learned that though I am strong, sorta intelligent, creative and that I was regaining aspects of myself that I had set aside while being married, that I am definitely flawed. After the first year of setting boundaries, rules, etc and trying to make my sub feel 'safe', I found that I was dealing with a woman I should've walked away from. She had a lot of issues which regardless of how I approached, I could not help her get past. I found myself the target of continual criticism, which initially I looked at what was being said, recognizing that few people I have ever met are perfect (well, besides the one time out bar hopping with Jesus and Siddhartha that one night, none) and that there is growth for everyone.
What I discovered is that I had placed myself in a situation of being manipulated by someone who was not "well" in an emotional situation. I had made the mistake of wanting to create a safe relationship, a safe place for my sub, my partner, someone whom I had wanted to be with by stepping away from myself. That I had allowed her her "tantrums" because they didn't affect me and I would help her get through her past shit. It got to the point where it became one long, boring complaint fest where I was the root of all evil and bad things in her life. Yes, little did you realize that my gargoyle avatar looking over the streets of Paris actually shrouded the spawn of Satan. No, not the spawn but Satan himself... My original signature for my previous account was "Yes I am an asshole, I have references". Unfortunately I had set aside the asshole part of my personality.
What did I mean by asshole? Exactly what my daughter reminded me of in an email awhile ago, one aspect of my personality and perspective that she remembered growing up was that not only did I not care what others thought of me, but I changed for nobody or their opinion. That I was the strongest, most secure, consistent individual that she knew and that she still saw those aspects of myself. Yes, there are aspects that were negative... I tend to procrastinate in daily shit, details that I don't like to be bothered with. That I set aside some things important to myself to help those close to me achieve their shit... and that though creativity is a strong focus of my life, for some reason for the last decade, I have kept myself from succeeding and finishing anything creative.
Well, I had listened to how I needed to be more humble, own my own shit, etc...and a laundry list of things wrong with myself for over three years before this 'relationship' finally ended. I had allowed it to continue for 4 years longer than I should have out of plain fucking stubbornness, an unwillingness that I could not actually cause something to happen. As well as the fact, plain and simple I just fucking loved her...and it still hurts. When my previous marriage and relationship of over 13 years had ended, it didn't hurt because there was no love...this time it did hurt. A lot.
I have emailed with some friends, one a sub that I had mentored...successfully I might add, she is in a strong, growing D/s relationship and she still thanks me for helping discover what she wanted, needed, etc. She had stated for years, that if I just left this toxic shit and moved on, I would see how strong, focused I actually was.
So, just a long, anonymous ramble of an "I admit" from a keyboard over the internet, on a forum post where "men" don't post to say she was right, "I am not a real dominant" and fuck it. I am whatever I decide I am. Just like I knew when I entered into this shit and full circle what I know leaving it.
[image]http://imagecache6.allposters.com/LRG/52/5283/5M7IG00Z.jpg[/image]
|
|
|
|
