Poly and children

Create a
Free Account

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Search

Poly and children

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Poly and children

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Poly and children - 11/24/2009 4:51:38 PM

vanillasub67

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/18/2009
Status: offline

How are others managing the lifestyle with children and are you keeping it from them?

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Poly and children - 11/24/2009 4:55:54 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 20086
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline

I don't keep it from any of them. All of them are aware. Mine, My husband's, and My subs.

_____________________________

Proud owner of LPslittleclip.

I really do appreciate your opinion and all, but My dynamic is not a democracy and you don't get a vote.

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to vanillasub67)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Poly and children - 11/24/2009 5:12:21 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2104
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Every poly family has to make its own calculations, and accept the consequences of their decisions.

Kim and I are very vanilla-seeming people, and prefer to keep our lifestyle private. We also have one adolescent child apiece, and have decided that when we take a girl into our home, we won't be sharing the intimate details with the children.
Especially for adolesents, carrying that sort of information would be a burden, so for now, we will simply have a very close friend of the family.

Of course, in time everyone will put the clues together and figure it out. But accepting that "Aunty so & so" is actually your Dad's second wife is a little easier as an adult than wrestling with it during your teen aged years, we believe.

Others of course, take a different path.

(in reply to vanillasub67)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Poly and children - 11/24/2009 5:14:50 PM

BloodLuna

Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline

Most of what goes on does when the kids are in school or in bed. We refer to our submissives when we have them as "roommates" or as uncles/aunts and they are integrated as members of our family. I've raised my ums from the cradle to be aware that loving is acceptable, that it is preferable to love than to commit violence. So they are aware that it is ok to be in love with more than one person if they so choose, or with someone of any gender.

It is more than possible to live a poly life and have it accepted by children. It is done in many cultures through out the ages to this very day as an accepted part of their lives. It's often quoted that it takes a village to raise a child and I am gratified when I am cleaning or dealing with one child that another can be having homework help from "uncle boy" or be playing a game and happy to have the attention. It gives them a strong point to stand on, knowing that there is a wealth of people within their immediate family structure that are available to them. It gives me more time when a slave is cleaning for me so that I can be the one to play a game or snuggle with a movie. And school and bedtime provide ample time to enjoy the finer points of BDSM that kids shouldn't be exposed to.

Luna

_____________________________

"Old goths never die, they just need less makeup"

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Poly and children - 11/24/2009 5:44:34 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6434
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

We have 4 under 17... living at home.... They are very aware of the facts of life here!!! No issues... one big happy family!!!!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to vanillasub67)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Poly and children - 11/25/2009 6:54:05 PM

HisPhedre

Posts: 32
Joined: 7/26/2008
Status: offline

My Lord and his wife have two UM (a girl, 10 and a boy, 6). Both children are aware that there are 3 additional adults in their lives that love them and that Daddy and Mommy have a special relationship with the three of us. In fact his daughter has already stated that she wants "a husband and a boyfriend like Mommy has".

They see My Lord and I snuggle with each other while Mommy and "John" snuggle.

His wife was and is a firm believer in the "it takes a village..." scenario. In fact they have listed us at their children's school as people who can take the kids out of school should the situation ever arise. (God, I hope not!!).

As another individual stated [and I'm paraphrasing] "being raised to know that loving multiple someones is acceptable" and "having access to more adults than just Daddy and Mommy" is good for them. I also think it's good for the adults who have been given that gift of trust from a child because Daddy and Mommy said that you can be trusted, is very humbling.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Poly and children - 11/26/2009 4:29:56 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3650
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

We are a family first. Our children were raised with multiple parents, and loved and cherished all of us, and we loved and cherished them. We didn't discuss our sex lives any more than I suspect any typical parents did, though we have always been pretty honest and forthright about discussing with our offspring in age appropriate manner when and if they asked questions, and in preparing them for their own impending adulthood as they reached dating age. Since, for us, our household is a matter of family and structure, but not focused on kinky sex, we had no problem raising our children in a happy, healthy poly situation. We hugged, kissed, and maintained the hierarchy of our family without inhibition, and plan on continuing to do so through generations to come.

Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to HisPhedre)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Poly and children - 11/26/2009 5:12:15 PM

NormalOutside

Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

Mine aren't old enough to understand yet, but when they are, I'll have to speak with my ex about it. She doesn't let me tell them anything she doesn't approve of. I can't even tell them I don't believe in their "god", let alone show them much about me. It's a source of stress from time to time.

_____________________________

I won't see your reply, because I don't use this account anymore.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Poly and children - 11/26/2009 8:12:42 PM

GYPSYMAMBO

Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline

OP:

My children were raised by 3 parents...our home was based on love..harmony and the empowerment of each individual..

THEY knew not .. what was in the "workshop" above the pole shed...

Daily they saw I was head of the house...and how we worked together.
ALL my children had the same father( 20 yr marriage) but there were 3 other men( husbands to me) in a 20 year period...

THe D-s relationship was fairly apparent but they did not see such things as naked men on leashes....boot licking and such..
They were told things on a NEED TO KNOW basis..

"MOMMY loves DADDY and *d"

OUR " kink"( part of our life) was in the shed/garden/woods /events/parties/or on trips we took and when they were away or at sitters.

OUR life was a D-s home daily..

*WE found it helpful to know other parents and do weekend sitter exchanges.
*I felt it important to keep a lot private so they could make their own choices just as I encouraged them to explore other religions and have not imposed mine on them
*We each had our own bedrooms and also a suite above the shed as I said so that if there were 3 for an erotic evening we would be in the suite
(sound monitor at house for their safety)
( to some that would be hiding our life style but it is how I wanted it and it worked)
* If I needed to correct ( discipline)a sub husband then it would be away from the kids

GM

< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 11/26/2009 8:15:07 PM >

_____________________________

"Better served women will better serve the world"

** ** **

"A turd is still a turd even if it is shellaced!"

(in reply to NormalOutside)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Poly and children - 11/29/2009 4:20:21 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4458
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

I can't thank you enough, OP for asking the question and I can not thank the responders enough. I've had a tough day today and struggle at this very moment with my married, poly, UM, BDSM, household. I've spent today wondering if I'm leading myself down a negatively twisted path. In my heart, I know better, but when we are down, sometimes what we know as truths leave us for some bit of irrationality.

I'll be stealing bits and phrases from each of you as I explain how I live my life to all those new potential partners I meet....(way too many new for my taste...where is the one?)

_____________________________

D~

Thrilled owner of Underuman. Collared and cut 12/23/09. 2010 will be an amazing year.

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Poly and children - 11/29/2009 4:31:46 PM

Underumam

Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline

I believe children should be exposed to the lifestyle lived by their parents. If the parents TRULY believe their lifestyle is correct,(assuming they wouldn't do it if they didn't), then the kids will understand HOW/WHY the lifestyle is important. Take an FLR for example, why wouldn't the parents want their children to grow up understanding the dynamics?

I'm personally against exposing their minds to images of sex and etc, because once imprinted, they will never get them out and that's almost like rape to me. They'll find the sexual stuff out as adults soon enough if that's what they want.

(in reply to earthycouple)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Poly and children - 11/30/2009 9:23:59 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 22760
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: online

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

Every poly family has to make its own calculations, and accept the consequences of their decisions.

Kim and I are very vanilla-seeming people, and prefer to keep our lifestyle private. We also have one adolescent child apiece, and have decided that when we take a girl into our home, we won't be sharing the intimate details with the children.
Especially for adolesents, carrying that sort of information would be a burden, so for now, we will simply have a very close friend of the family.

Of course, in time everyone will put the clues together and figure it out. But accepting that "Aunty so & so" is actually your Dad's second wife is a little easier as an adult than wrestling with it during your teen aged years, we believe.

Others of course, take a different path.

Actually this has not proven to be true at all, for me. My adult son has very narrow opinions on what he believes is right and wrong. Where that came from I am not sure but it has affected what we discuss and what we do not.

My daughter just prefers to operate on a 'need to know' basis.

As long as they are both courteous to whomever, we all will continue to get along.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to AnimusRex)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: Poly and children - 11/30/2009 11:16:24 AM

GYPSYMAMBO

Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

I believe children should be exposed to the lifestyle lived by their parents. If the parents TRULY believe their lifestyle is correct,(assuming they wouldn't do it if they didn't),

I know you did not mean druggie/prejudice/criminal lifestyle..etc..

However my concern here as a retired teacher is always this..

THE OUTSIDE world does not always accept the lifestyles

and I have seen children take from homes for the very lifestyle I lived myself..in a discrete manner.(poly and witch)

Assumptions can be made.."events" brought to light by exes and vicious divorced spouses..as well as neighbours or those wanting someone to lose their postions or jobs.
WHEN SOCIAL Services is pressured children can be whisked away
becuz mommy attends a circle naked under the moon..or daddy has 2 women in his bed...and littel J went in to ask for a drink of water in the night.

ONE must practice..discernment..caution...alertness..it does not mean you have to hide..that can make things worse...
but to be alert to the STAGE of growth the child is at...and varying circumstances..

GM

_____________________________

"Better served women will better serve the world"

** ** **

"A turd is still a turd even if it is shellaced!"

(in reply to Underumam)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: Poly and children - 12/2/2009 10:09:26 AM

HOUSEofSIRE

Posts: 22
Joined: 4/17/2009
Status: offline

We have 4 children and when we had a girlfriend in the past we didn't explain it to them. She was just Jaden. They got along great with her. They saw that we were all very close and happy and they never asked any specific questions. Sire and i are very affectionate people by nature. We hug and lightly kiss several of our friends in a platonic sort of way and i don't think the kids ever saw anything more than that going on between the three of us. Although she and i did purposely refrain from kissing eachother in front of the kids. That kind of thing would definately invite them to start asking questions that they are too young to know the answers to!

sirenity

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)

Profile

Post #: 14

RE: Poly and children - 12/2/2009 5:15:37 PM

NormalOutside

Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HOUSEofSIRE
Although she and i did purposely refrain from kissing eachother in front of the kids. That kind of thing would definately invite them to start asking questions that they are too young to know the answers to!

Because the concept that love and affection can exist between people regardless of gender, ethnicity, and so on is a concept too vile for people until they reach a certain age?

_____________________________

I won't see your reply, because I don't use this account anymore.

(in reply to HOUSEofSIRE)

Profile

Post #: 15

RE: Poly and children - 12/2/2009 5:49:55 PM

HOUSEofSIRE

Posts: 22
Joined: 4/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NormalOutside

Because the concept that love and affection can exist between people regardless of gender, ethnicity, and so on is a concept too vile for people until they reach a certain age?

They saw plenty of love and affection just not anything that would make them think that we were lovers, But No. Because we did not want the choices we made to cause embarassement for them in front of their friends. Children can be rather cruel. But thanks for reading something into it that i did not say. It's always awesome to meet such friendly people.

(in reply to NormalOutside)

Profile

Post #: 16

RE: Poly and children - 12/3/2009 9:24:23 AM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

We struggle with this. Master and his lady have a girl who is just over 2 and my Love and I have a boy who is about a year and a half. Our companion lives with us part time and is very much a part of our daily lives. In general, the wee ones see us interact as very loving friends. At the moment, we haven't curtailed the more "girlfriend" interactions with our companion when we are in our own home, but I fear that time is upon us. My family would not understand/approve at all and my son is an early talker. We don't want him to say anything awkward by the time he is clearly putting sentences together, which I think will be in the next 6 months to year. I am extremely torn, because I do not want him to have to carry a burden of secrecy, but I also do not think there is anything wrong with being poly. I want him to understand that however you love is beautiful and right. Right now I feel like I am in the hypocritical place of waiting for the world to catch up, while not doing much to make that happen. Most of our friends know, but only one member of our group has told her family, and even then, just her mom. Between family issues and the fact that 3 of the 5 people in my poly family are educators, myself included, I just don't feel like we can come out. However, I think by the time the kids are old enough to be discreet, they also won't be that surprised to discover that their aunt and godmother is our girlfriend, etc.

It has been interesting reading what other people do and I look forward to reading more.

(in reply to HOUSEofSIRE)

Profile

Post #: 17

RE: Poly and children - 12/3/2009 11:26:16 AM

SinisterSimon

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/9/2009
Status: offline

I think it's perspective. Children raise from a point before they are aware of their surroundings I believe will take to the lifestyle so much easier than attempting to thrust a new lifestyle upon them. I have recently split with my very vanilla wife (she don't even like sprinkles!) and our children are 11 and 7, both girls. We have an amicable split...as much as possible anywayy, and she is aware of my lifestyle choices and was given my word that my children would never be exposed to this lifestyle.

And if I may comment on what beltainefaerie posted. Waiting for society to catch up. That is so painfully optomistic...this is not meant to sound disrespectful, but is based in reality. If only our society would be more accepting, but we are SOOOOOO far from that place and time, I doubt anyone reading this will see it in their lifetime. If anyone disagrees with that statement, then I ask you to review the current state of gay marriage in our country. Most vanilla perception to a Poly family are those idiots in Texas that like breeding with children, and making their women wear rediculous clothing and hair! There is too much hate and intolerance in this world, but I am always happy to know that our community, the people that believe in BDSM as a lifestyle, is the most accepting an loving community on the planet!!! A a lovely young woman once told me when I was first considering this lifestyle, "Come on in! The water is WARM!"

< Message edited by SinisterSimon -- 12/3/2009 11:27:59 AM >

(in reply to beltainefaerie)

Profile

Post #: 18

RE: Poly and children - 12/3/2009 3:55:36 PM

Underumam

Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SinisterSimon

I think it's perspective. Children raise from a point before they are aware of their surroundings I believe will take to the lifestyle so much easier than attempting to thrust a new lifestyle upon them. I have recently split with my very vanilla wife (she don't even like sprinkles!) and our children are 11 and 7, both girls. We have an amicable split...as much as possible anywayy, and she is aware of my lifestyle choices and was given my word that my children would never be exposed to this lifestyle.

And if I may comment on what beltainefaerie posted. Waiting for society to catch up. That is so painfully optomistic...this is not meant to sound disrespectful, but is based in reality. If only our society would be more accepting, but we are SOOOOOO far from that place and time, I doubt anyone reading this will see it in their lifetime. If anyone disagrees with that statement, then I ask you to review the current state of gay marriage in our country. Most vanilla perception to a Poly family are those idiots in Texas that like breeding with children, and making their women wear rediculous clothing and hair! There is too much hate and intolerance in this world, but I am always happy to know that our community, the people that believe in BDSM as a lifestyle, is the most accepting an loving community on the planet!!! A a lovely young woman once told me when I was first considering this lifestyle, "Come on in! The water is WARM!"

lol. You obviously haven't checked out the political threads.....

(in reply to SinisterSimon)

Profile

Post #: 19