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undergroundsea -> RE: Cognitive Dissonance in the Submissive Man (12/7/2009 10:58:11 PM)
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I think we can consider different types of societal pressure: with respect to (1) general personality, (2) relationship dynamics perceived by others, and (3) how each person in the relationship views male submission.
The first type is what is described in the OP:
quote:
Most societies encourage men to be alphas, to be decisive, in charge, strong, tough.
First, I think society exalts alpha behavior but does not expect every man to be alpha. And alpha is defined differently by different people. Some people consider an aggressive or highly-macho persona to be alpha. By my definition, Barack Obama (someone who exudes leadership versus someone who exudes aggression and physical strength) presents a good example of being alpha.
Also, I consider whether one is submissive with respect to personality, and whether one is submissive with respect to sexuality to be two independent traits. Thus, (1) because the pressure to be alpha is not as great, and (2) because submission and an alpha personality are not mutually exclusive, I do not see this pressure to be tremendous. I do not experience much dissonance with respect to this level and consider it attached to personality, not sexuality.
For the second type (relationship dynamics perceived by others), I don't think society expects men to be the boss at home today to the extent it used to be in the past, but being subordinate or subservient is still mocked. So there is some pressure with respect to how broader society views the relationship without understanding it. This pressure is relevant simply for how much or not the relationship is practiced in front of others.
The third type pertains to how each person views male submission. Knowing that my submission is voluntary keeps me from feeling dissonance with respect to this point within the relationship--I myself do not feel weak for it. However, there is a different type of dissonance with respect to how a given woman might feel about male submission. We are a sum of difference facets and the component that creates an interest in BDSM is one component. Just as societal conditioning would tell a man he should not be submissive, it tells women to look down upon men who are submissive. Most dommes have overcome this conditioning. However, in some dommes remnants of this conditioning might remain to varying degrees. For example, some dommes consider male subs toys for play but not potential candidates to be a lover (not for sake of protocol but for sake of deeming an inadequacy). I think the role of this conditioning is diminishing with time.
Also related to this third type, most people desire some form of social challenge in their relationship independent of societal conditioning or gender. By social challenge, I mean that the absence of which affects the amount of interest for a person who always agrees or who is subservient (outside of BDSM relationships). By social challenge I mean that that is missing or is in small quantity when one can take another for granted and know that another will always bend to one's wish (outside of BDSM relationships). In the context of BDSM, the matter is different because of what creates this behavior. Still, there is a question about how much role the societal conditioning (that applies outside of BDSM) has on a given woman in an Fm relationship, and how to balance and connect with the BDSM component as well as the other components (to address the point about social challenge).
Thus, the third type creates a question about whether or not or how much a dominant might see the submissive as lesser (whether for reasons of conditioning for for reasons of social challenge), and if she does whether the degree of it creates any issue for the type of dynamic envisioned.
Cheers,
Sea
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