RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please

Create a
Free Account

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Search

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please - 4/3/2010 9:01:35 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1580
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Warmher

Heartfelt has it correct… if your living in a poly house, weather it has multiple subs or Doms or a Dom/Domme, one is going to be primary, everyone else follows.

I actually disagree with this. In many cases this would be accurate. However, I can see it working where the concept of primary and secondary is rather irrelevant terms. In my world... the family is primary and every relationship is secondary after that. With two Doms... both would be putting the whole family ahead of there own individual aspects. In fact... I see Val doing this very thing. By opening this door for Aquaticsub there will be an enhancement to their relationship as a whole. I am a strong believer in what I call Power Enhancement Relationships. In short it is about enhancing the power of the individuals with the motivation of making the relationships stronger. I see Val doing this very thing. The question is finding a person that sees the whole as more important than the part.

Ps... so Aquatic... when you are coming up to visit ;)

PSS... don't forget to bring Val... the girls will keep him busy while I make you cry!

i would also disagree with the statement that Knight was responding to and i wasn't trying to put a hard and fast rule in place, i was merely trying to describe the dynamic that i was a part of. i was emotionally closer to the One who i was eventually collared to so i considered Him a more primary person in my life because i shared more of who i am with Him. That was not supposed to indicate that a hierarchy is required, because it is not.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please - 4/3/2010 9:45:18 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

That was not supposed to indicate that a hierarchy is required, because it is not.

heartfelt

I don't believe that you indicated it was required... unfortunately some use an example of one to project what they believe is the way it should be for the many. I understood what you shared was only in the context of your situation and to move it beyond that was taking it out of context.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please - 4/4/2010 8:45:56 AM

Warmher

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/23/2008
Status: offline

I see I stepped into the wrong room to offer my experience…. Excuse me for intruding into your idyllic world.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please - 4/4/2010 2:41:46 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6464
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Warmher

I see I stepped into the wrong room to offer my experience…. Excuse me for intruding into your idyllic world.

Your experience doesn't reflect the way it must be for everyone... but if your ego is such that you can't conceive it working different for others... well rock on with yourself... and others will continue to do what works... regardless of your limited experience

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to Warmher)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please - 4/6/2010 9:13:59 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Warmher

Heartfelt has it correct… if your living in a poly house, weather it has multiple subs or Doms or a Dom/Domme, one is going to be primary, everyone else follows.

I actually disagree with this. In many cases this would be accurate. However, I can see it working where the concept of primary and secondary is rather irrelevant terms. In my world... the family is primary and every relationship is secondary after that. With two Doms... both would be putting the whole family ahead of there own individual aspects. In fact... I see Val doing this very thing. By opening this door for Aquaticsub there will be an enhancement to their relationship as a whole. I am a strong believer in what I call Power Enhancement Relationships. In short it is about enhancing the power of the individuals with the motivation of making the relationships stronger. I see Val doing this very thing. The question is finding a person that sees the whole as more important than the part.

Agreed. Since I've posted this thread I have actually gotten involved with another dominant and his poly family. I don't regard them as secondary by any stretch of the imagination. I hope they will be in my life for a long time. The bond I have with them isn't as established simply because it's new but it's not less important to me. I'm really not a fan of "primary" and "secondary" as relationship titles. Perhaps I'm an odd little duck.

quote:

Ps... so Aquatic... when you are coming up to visit ;)

PSS... don't forget to bring Val... the girls will keep him busy while I make you cry!

I actually REALLY want to come up there. It's been a goal of mine since I was in high school!

Plus, I have a deep weakness for maple candy and it's really hard to find in NC. The store I was buying it from just went out of business. *sobs into her pillow*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please - 4/7/2010 8:53:15 AM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Warmher

I see I stepped into the wrong room to offer my experience…. Excuse me for intruding into your idyllic world.

Well, you stepped into the wrong room to offer One True Way-ism. No, it honestly doesn't work that way in my own experience of the poly community. Most of the extended poly families I have known do include more than one dominant, just as the vanilla ones include more than one man or woman. There are poly situations that have a "one penis policy" or "one vagina policy", or a "one dominant policy", because one or more of the participants involved don't feel capable of dealing with more advanced negotiations or feelings of jealousy. That's basically the same strategy as monogamy, dealing with the potential for jealousy by attempting to remove the potential and limit your partners' other attachments. It's not automatically or always a bad strategy, but most poly folk generally consider it as being something less than actual poly and more like a harem situation.

What do you do with two dominants if their immediate needs and wants conflict? The same as you do with any two people in a poly group - you talk, negotiate, figure out comfort zones, and everyone on board works towards a win-win solution where boundaries are respected and needs are met all around. That is the core definition of how poly works when it's working. BDSM is not magically different from other relationship needs and is not, in my experience, necessarily going to cause any more conflicts or jealousy than vanilla emotions.

There are potential logistics issues if (as an example) one person prefers their submissive be shaved and the other prefers not shaved, but that can crop up in a vanilla situation also. If part of your D/s relationship includes behavioral training to your preferences, another dominant can certainly throw a monkey wrench in the machinery if s/he isn't specifically on board with it ahead of time. Again, it's about getting with the other person in the family whose needs may potentially conflict with yours, and negotiating from a win-win position of making it work for everyone. It can be done. If you think you don't have the skills or the fortitude to do it, then you may want to stay monogamous, or consider a poly-mono situation where you don't share your submissive. But that's your choice, not necessarily how poly actually works.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to Warmher)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Two doms in poly - your experiences please - 4/18/2010 11:59:23 AM

sbo614

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

Quite recently we have introduced another Dom into our life. A bit of background my wifehas been my sub for 20 years and the new Dom is a friend for a bit longer. We started a swing relationship with him 4 years ago and have had a lot of fun with it. The wife is submissive by nature and she was regularly submitting to him and it was getting us all off. So we made it formal, I am the Alpha, she will listen to me over everyone else him included. He has been given rights and access to her second only to me. Our rules are simple, Anything between the two of them he can request and she will comply (our guidelines are set up and are minds are aligned on the dos and don'ts), but if he wants to expand beyond the two of them or the three of us he needs my permission. He cannot take precedence over anything I want and he falls into line behind my needs. If he plays it correctly he will have an obedient, caring, diligent sex slave who will take care of all his needs.
Part of the motivation is the enjoyment we get out of watching each other with other partners.

I think it is most important for everyone to be on the same page, understand limits, what and who comes first and hierarchy. Without those fundamental ground rules I don't believe it would work for us.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Profile

Post #: 27