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CaringandReal -> RE: To the general poly public... (1/28/2010 5:19:03 PM)
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Ok, I'll give this a try. Even if I was looking for exactly what you offer (I'm not but I could be someday) and thought you very cute (which I do) and was attracted to the dynamics of your household as you describe them (which I am), and was age-appropriate, I would never dare write you, ever. I'd be scared I'd be blasted to smithereens if I did because you sound so very, very, angry in your profile. You may not have felt angry writing it, but that is the impression it gives. The thought of writing someone who wrote what you wrote scares the living daylights out of me.
Here's how you can fix it:
Fluffy paragraph: first two sentences are fine. The rest is overkill and kind of off-putting, it makes you sound angry even if you are not. Kill the rest of the paragraph.
Pagan paragraph: first two sentences fine. Kill the rest. It's hostile. There's no need to state it, the fools are still going to write and argue with you, and the people who are cool with it, again, are going to get the impression that you're angry at THEM, that you're accusing them. I know you're not accusing the good readers, when I think about it rationally, but if I were one of those readers I would still feel your anger directed at me and be afraid to approach you.
Strong Will paragraph: Kill half of it. Starting with "So do not reply..." Again, that never stops the fools from replying, but it does serve to make the really cool submissives want to run and hide from you. Again it sounds like you're accusing your reader personally of being this way. Talking about yourself is fine, it's when you start implying what your readers are like that you get into trouble, as people apply what they read personally to themselves.
Two Pets Paragraph: 1. Kill "and if you don't like me playing with my husband, you can get the hell off this profile." Same reasons as above. The people who would never do such a thing will read your profile and think you are accusing them of it, or suspect they will do it before you even meet them, and this will scare them off. 2. Change "so you don't have to worry about that pet playing with you" to "so that pet will not be playing with you." The first wording implies you know what the reader is thinking or worrying about. You don't, and it's mildly insulting, particularly to someone intelligent.
Straightforward paragarph: Change "If you are not, please leave this profile. We have ZERO room for liars, drama-momma's, and psychos in our group" to "We are strongly interested in someone with similar values." Same reasons as above. The assholes never read or listen, the good people are going to think you're already suspecting them of the most henious thoughts and not want to get near you.
Cuddly paragraph: Kill the part that starts with "If you do not like..." all the way to the end of the paragraph. It's Ok to replace that part with something else positive, like "We're looking for someone who finds the idea of sleeping this way irresistable."
Movie Watchers paragraph: kill the last sentence. or replace with "If you enjoy any of these things as well, please let me know in your reply."
Puppy paragraph: Take out the "get used to it sentence." Everything you've said up to that point implies this, so saying it, again, just adds to the hostility impression. Oh, and most definitely kill that last sentence. Again, it's both hostile and insulting to the intelligence/sensibilities of the people you want to attract. It also, to be frank, makes you sound a little insecure. Don't worry about the jerks--you can't prevent them from swarming by anything you say in your profile. Just deal with them as you will when they do come knocking. Again, peopel with good hearts are going to think you expect them to act like total shits, and they aren't going to want to risk getting to know you if you seem that touchy.
Java paragraph: kill the last sentence. It helps one's cause not to overly threaten the people one hopes to attract. ;)
Blondes paragraph: Clarify whether you'd accept a natural blonde who dyed her hair another color.
6. Work paragraph: (a) Delete "the Get a damn job you lazy..." sentence. Why are you assuming someone is lazy, someone you've never met? That is what your readers will be asking, and some of them may be people who work much harder than you do. (b) It's unclear whether you are offering full-time housemaid/housework as a viable alternative to a money-earning job, because you are so sarcastic about it. Some of us will have no trouble doing that level of physical housework daily, some might even relish it, so it would be better if you take that part out if you don't mean it. If you need your potential submissive to bring in money, just say so directly without this confusing side trail.
7. is nice. :) Actually, a lot of what you write is very attractive, if you take out the parts I've indicated. Don't worry about attracting more trolls and creeps. No matter what you write (I've experiemented with all sorts of profile styles), they will still come. So you might as well write something that attacts the people you do want to meet.
8. My property paragraph: Take out the words "Must be able to understand that" - it's insulting.
9. drugs paragraph: Leave it exactly the way it is. This is one case where a very hard-nosed style is important. If you change the rest of your profile to remove the harsh bits, this paragraph will stand out in stark relief to the rest and will be noticed more. Right now, because most of your paragraphs are harsh, this one gets lost among them all. And you don't want this point to get lost.
10. Wild paragraph: kill "and I'm sorry..." It's funny but it adds to the hostility impression. Maybe if you delete all the other hostile stuff, that would work. Not sure though, I'd need to see the rewrite.
Last paragraph: oh! you weren't being sarcastic with the housework option. Ok, then...
6. Work Paragraph: in addition to what I wrote above, delete "Think that's a little too much?" to the end of the paragraph. While not openly hostile, it makes it a little confusing as to whether you'd seriously entertain a house slave.
In general...
It's OK to demand and expect a lot but overall, I think it would help your cause to say more about what you offer to others. Yes, that is implied in some of what you said, but it helps attract others if you make it clearer. Your household is well established everyone knows and like everyone else in it and a newcome is going to wonder if she will be accepted or liked. It'll feel kind of like breaking into a closed clique, because you make it so clear you all get along so well. Telling a potential submissive that she'll loved or at least warmly accepted/regarded, or made a part of everything wouldn't hurt. And, are you open to learning about her interests? Maybe she'd have some fascinating ones you could add to your list of fun things that you do. Your profile, once rid of the hostile bits, will appeal strongly to those looking for a family. I'm sure you can trust yourself to weed out those that won't make good members of your family, so there's really no need to try to do the weeding beforehand. Those that are inappropriate to begin with never weed themselves out. Those that are a spectacularly good fit for you will, because they will be sensitive to the undercurrent of hostility that your words seem to convey.
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