Recently insulted (Full Version)

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Surrenderwithin -> Recently insulted (2/1/2010 2:53:46 PM)

I was recently very much insulted by a submissive leaving Masters' collar.  She stated that she was leaving because "... relationships are sacred and not JUST a group activity" ( For the record the poly has nothing to do with why she really left.

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?



domiguy -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 2:56:07 PM)

Maybe you forgot to take your meds?



Surrenderwithin -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 3:16:15 PM)

Or maybe it was because my slavery is very sacred to me.  In fact my service to him is the single most important thing in my life. Everything I do is because of him and for him, because that is who I am. I am internally enslaved. To think that our commitment and relationships is less than anothers' because we are poly is ridiculous.







domiguy -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 3:18:59 PM)

You might be correct.  It might just very well be exactly as you have described. 

Me still thinks that you have forgotten to take your meds.






mnottertail -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 3:21:54 PM)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqJaUxweI6g



ourmsbetty -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 3:23:19 PM)

And you were probably also hurt because you had grown to accept her as part of your family, let her into those sacred inner spaces and then she rejected them. You are human. Opening up your most intimate emotional places and then being rejected hurts.

Also if you feel a oneness with your Master you feel what he feels and if he was hurt and insulted by her it is natural you feel the same.

There is also the possibility that she tried with her rejection to make you feel your own judgment in the situation was poor. Even when we know it's not true it is insulting to find our competence questioned.

These are all guesses, but it's a starting point.






camille65 -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 3:25:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin

Or maybe it was because my slavery is very sacred to me.  In fact my service to him is the single most important thing in my life. Everything I do is because of him and for him, because that is who I am. I am internally enslaved. To think that our commitment and relationships is less than anothers' because we are poly is ridiculous.



Why is this about you? Maybe it seemed less to her because in her mind she received less because it was a poly relationship.

Really, only you can know why someone leaving your Master hurts your feelings. Do you see it as a reflection upon him?



Surrenderwithin -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 3:28:31 PM)

I would say that you are right on target. I cannot help but get defensive when I see someone hurt my family...especially when it is obviously done with intent.

Thank you for helping me find some perspective. It should have been obvious but I am standing so close to the forest that the trees allude me....





Surrenderwithin -> RE: Recently insulted (2/1/2010 3:32:50 PM)

Her leaving my Master did not upset me at all. It was probably the best decision for her. It was what she said that I found insulting and hurtful. I personally feel that her leaving our household was a good decision in the best interest of the family as a whole.

No, I do not see this as a reflection on my Master at all. Also, she insists that she has plenty attention from him and even ask at one point for him to withdraw some of it. She did not leave because of the poly, just to clarify. I apologize if I did not explain that clearly earlier in my OP.



chamberqueen -> RE: Recently insulted (2/7/2010 8:43:13 AM)

Yes, I can certainly see why you found it insulting.  Maybe it will help you to realize that many people strike out when leaving a relationship, even if it is their own well thought out choice.  Belittling another, or the relationship itself, is very common.  If you can look at it from that perspective maybe the sting of the words will go away more quickly.



VampiresLair -> RE: Recently insulted (2/7/2010 8:47:09 AM)

I dont know that I would find it insulting as much as I would find it a childish attempt at a insult. Sour grapes and all that. She is obviously not wired for poly, and so since it doesnt work for her obviously THAT must be the problem, not her. Things can only get to you if you let them, after all. So, take it from who it is coming from.

DV



tsatske -> RE: Recently insulted (2/7/2010 10:17:09 PM)

DV is right. The words of people outside of yourself have exactly as much power as you give them.

I think you are probably making a mistake and trying to comfort yourself when you declare that she is wrong about why she left the relationship. She knows herself better than you do, if she says she left because poly does not work for her ( a politer, more correct and true way to state the same thing you say she said), then I would accept that and leave it at that. she tried to infer, as someone already said, that, because poly is not for her, it is poly that is wrong, but that is not true. She is not wrong for not being poly, and others are not wrong for being poly. It just is. accept it and walk away. Work hard at having more grace than her.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 1:11:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin
She stated that she was leaving because "... relationships are sacred and not JUST a group activity"
For the record the poly has nothing to do with why she really left.

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?

Prehaps because you don't get your own point . . . which is she doesn't like poly! Note contradiction between bold and red text.



AquaticSub -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 7:37:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?



I can understand why it's upsetting to you.

However, the cold reality is that just because something is sacred to you doesn't mean others are obligated to view it as such as well. It's great when they do and nice when they respect it anyway, even when they disagree.

I don't know the context in which this was said either. Since we only have part of the quote it could well have been "Look, I thought this would work for me but I've discovered that it doesn't. For me, relationships just aren't a group activity." Or maybe her words were chosen badly because of emotion.

Either way, I do see how it's upsetting to you. But the two of you have different definations of what makes a relationship sacred. It's best that things ended so you can look for another person and let time heal the wounds.



KnightofMists -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 8:01:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin
She stated that she was leaving because "... relationships are sacred and not JUST a group activity"
For the record the poly has nothing to do with why she really left.

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?

Prehaps because you don't get your own point . . . which is she doesn't like poly! Note contradiction between bold and red text.


actually this is not the contradiction you think it is. It's clear to me that implication is that being in a poly relationship is not just because the individuals have group activity of common interests.. it's clear the person sees intimate relationships to be more than people with common interests coming together. I would say the person felt that the poly dynamic was not giving her the emotional intensity she desired and was more like a bunch of buddies getting together for a common interest.



KnightofMists -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 8:04:02 AM)


quote:


No, I do not see this as a reflection on my Master at all.




I can't see how it is not a reflection of him and everyone involved in the relationship. However, that reflection need not be negative or positive. It is what it is and what it is reflects a bit about ourselves.



KnightofMists -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 8:07:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ourmsbetty

And you were probably also hurt because you had grown to accept her as part of your family, let her into those sacred inner spaces and then she rejected them. You are human. Opening up your most intimate emotional places and then being rejected hurts.

Also if you feel a oneness with your Master you feel what he feels and if he was hurt and insulted by her it is natural you feel the same.

There is also the possibility that she tried with her rejection to make you feel your own judgment in the situation was poor. Even when we know it's not true it is insulting to find our competence questioned.

These are all guesses, but it's a starting point.



well there is another side of the story... just maybe the hurt is also tied with a bit of shame since some of what was said held some truth to it.

I have yet to see a relationship end with one side perfect and lacking responsibility for it's result... regardless of what they claim.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 9:43:36 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I have yet to see a relationship end with one side perfect and lacking responsibility for it's result... regardless of what they claim.



Ditto.

To the OP, I can see why you would find someone insulting the way you live your life insulting, but really it sounds like a churlish thing to say so I wouldn't let it affect you that much.



Surrenderwithin -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 10:56:26 AM)

I will be the first to admit that the problems, which lead to her choice, were not one sided. In fact, I believe all of us did what we could to resolve them. The fact is, this was not an ideal situation for her. The poly was not the issue and had nothing to do with the problems and why she left. In fact, she is open to another poly, but we simply could not integrate our needs and wants together to make THIS poly work for her or us. 

The statement that I quoted was the entire quote. It was a stand alone " paragraph" in a letter she sent us after she left our home.

I was hurt,although I cannot say that I felt any anger. It was her being angry and lashing out. She was in pain because she wanted this to work for her... but couldn't make it so. I see it now for what it was. It no longer bothers me and I know it was just anger.

It is actually fairly unlike me to really let things like that get under my skin. I am a thick skinned kind of gal. I realize now it was my own hurt and disappointment that allowed it to feel like a slap in the face.

Thank you for all your responses!



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Recently insulted (2/8/2010 10:58:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SurrenderwithinThe poly was not the issue and had nothing to do with the problems and why she left. In fact, she is open to another poly,



And that just shows how nonsensical her original comment was



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