Recently insulted

Collarchat.com

Create a
Free Account

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Search

Espanol

Deutsch

Francais

Italiano

Portugues

Recently insulted

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Recently insulted

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 2:53:46 PM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

I was recently very much insulted by a submissive leaving Masters' collar. She stated that she was leaving because "... relationships are sacred and not JUST a group activity" ( For the record the poly has nothing to do with why she really left.

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

Post #: 1

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 2:56:07 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Maybe you forgot to take your meds?

_____________________________

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 2

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 3:16:15 PM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

Or maybe it was because my slavery is very sacred to me. In fact my service to him is the single most important thing in my life. Everything I do is because of him and for him, because that is who I am. I am internally enslaved. To think that our commitment and relationships is less than anothers' because we are poly is ridiculous.

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 3

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 3:18:59 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

You might be correct. It might just very well be exactly as you have described.

Me still thinks that you have forgotten to take your meds.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 2/1/2010 3:19:38 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 4

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 3:21:54 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 35843
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqJaUxweI6g

_____________________________

Kam Fong as Chin Ho

For in the final analysis, our most basic common link, is that we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's futures, and we are all mortal. JFK

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 5

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 3:23:19 PM

ourmsbetty

Posts: 259
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

And you were probably also hurt because you had grown to accept her as part of your family, let her into those sacred inner spaces and then she rejected them. You are human. Opening up your most intimate emotional places and then being rejected hurts.

Also if you feel a oneness with your Master you feel what he feels and if he was hurt and insulted by her it is natural you feel the same.

There is also the possibility that she tried with her rejection to make you feel your own judgment in the situation was poor. Even when we know it's not true it is insulting to find our competence questioned.

These are all guesses, but it's a starting point.

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 6

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 3:25:43 PM

camille65

Posts: 5300
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin

Or maybe it was because my slavery is very sacred to me. In fact my service to him is the single most important thing in my life. Everything I do is because of him and for him, because that is who I am. I am internally enslaved. To think that our commitment and relationships is less than anothers' because we are poly is ridiculous.

Why is this about you? Maybe it seemed less to her because in her mind she received less because it was a poly relationship.

Really, only you can know why someone leaving your Master hurts your feelings. Do you see it as a reflection upon him?

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 7

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 3:28:31 PM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

I would say that you are right on target. I cannot help but get defensive when I see someone hurt my family...especially when it is obviously done with intent.

Thank you for helping me find some perspective. It should have been obvious but I am standing so close to the forest that the trees allude me....

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to ourmsbetty)

Post #: 8

RE: Recently insulted - 2/1/2010 3:32:50 PM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

Her leaving my Master did not upset me at all. It was probably the best decision for her. It was what she said that I found insulting and hurtful. I personally feel that her leaving our household was a good decision in the best interest of the family as a whole.

No, I do not see this as a reflection on my Master at all. Also, she insists that she has plenty attention from him and even ask at one point for him to withdraw some of it. She did not leave because of the poly, just to clarify. I apologize if I did not explain that clearly earlier in my OP.

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 9

RE: Recently insulted - 2/7/2010 8:43:13 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Yes, I can certainly see why you found it insulting. Maybe it will help you to realize that many people strike out when leaving a relationship, even if it is their own well thought out choice. Belittling another, or the relationship itself, is very common. If you can look at it from that perspective maybe the sting of the words will go away more quickly.

_____________________________

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 10

RE: Recently insulted - 2/7/2010 8:47:09 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

I dont know that I would find it insulting as much as I would find it a childish attempt at a insult. Sour grapes and all that. She is obviously not wired for poly, and so since it doesnt work for her obviously THAT must be the problem, not her. Things can only get to you if you let them, after all. So, take it from who it is coming from.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 11

RE: Recently insulted - 2/7/2010 10:17:09 PM

tsatske

Posts: 1680
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

DV is right. The words of people outside of yourself have exactly as much power as you give them.

I think you are probably making a mistake and trying to comfort yourself when you declare that she is wrong about why she left the relationship. She knows herself better than you do, if she says she left because poly does not work for her ( a politer, more correct and true way to state the same thing you say she said), then I would accept that and leave it at that. she tried to infer, as someone already said, that, because poly is not for her, it is poly that is wrong, but that is not true. She is not wrong for not being poly, and others are not wrong for being poly. It just is. accept it and walk away. Work hard at having more grace than her.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 12

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 1:11:50 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 7488
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: online

quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin
She stated that she was leaving because "... relationships are sacred and not JUST a group activity"
For the record the poly has nothing to do with why she really left.

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?

Prehaps because you don't get your own point . . . which is she doesn't like poly! Note contradiction between bold and red text.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 2/8/2010 1:13:06 AM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=-
-=BDSM Shopping Links=-

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 13

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 7:37:27 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?

I can understand why it's upsetting to you.

However, the cold reality is that just because something is sacred to you doesn't mean others are obligated to view it as such as well. It's great when they do and nice when they respect it anyway, even when they disagree.

I don't know the context in which this was said either. Since we only have part of the quote it could well have been "Look, I thought this would work for me but I've discovered that it doesn't. For me, relationships just aren't a group activity." Or maybe her words were chosen badly because of emotion.

Either way, I do see how it's upsetting to you. But the two of you have different definations of what makes a relationship sacred. It's best that things ended so you can look for another person and let time heal the wounds.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 14

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 8:01:35 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6434
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Surrenderwithin
She stated that she was leaving because "... relationships are sacred and not JUST a group activity"
For the record the poly has nothing to do with why she really left.

However, can anyone relate to why this was so upsetting and insulting to me?

Prehaps because you don't get your own point . . . which is she doesn't like poly! Note contradiction between bold and red text.

actually this is not the contradiction you think it is. It's clear to me that implication is that being in a poly relationship is not just because the individuals have group activity of common interests.. it's clear the person sees intimate relationships to be more than people with common interests coming together. I would say the person felt that the poly dynamic was not giving her the emotional intensity she desired and was more like a bunch of buddies getting together for a common interest.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 15

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 8:04:02 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6434
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

No, I do not see this as a reflection on my Master at all.

I can't see how it is not a reflection of him and everyone involved in the relationship. However, that reflection need not be negative or positive. It is what it is and what it is reflects a bit about ourselves.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 16

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 8:07:41 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 6434
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ourmsbetty

And you were probably also hurt because you had grown to accept her as part of your family, let her into those sacred inner spaces and then she rejected them. You are human. Opening up your most intimate emotional places and then being rejected hurts.

Also if you feel a oneness with your Master you feel what he feels and if he was hurt and insulted by her it is natural you feel the same.

There is also the possibility that she tried with her rejection to make you feel your own judgment in the situation was poor. Even when we know it's not true it is insulting to find our competence questioned.

These are all guesses, but it's a starting point.

well there is another side of the story... just maybe the hurt is also tied with a bit of shame since some of what was said held some truth to it.

I have yet to see a relationship end with one side perfect and lacking responsibility for it's result... regardless of what they claim.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

"Respect.... It is the ability to see people as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality" Eric Fromm

(in reply to ourmsbetty)

Post #: 17

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 9:43:36 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1757
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I have yet to see a relationship end with one side perfect and lacking responsibility for it's result... regardless of what they claim.

Ditto.

To the OP, I can see why you would find someone insulting the way you live your life insulting, but really it sounds like a churlish thing to say so I wouldn't let it affect you that much.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgsh7u7upeA&annotation_id=annotation_282296&feature=iv

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 10:56:26 AM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

I will be the first to admit that the problems, which lead to her choice, were not one sided. In fact, I believe all of us did what we could to resolve them. The fact is, this was not an ideal situation for her. The poly was not the issue and had nothing to do with the problems and why she left. In fact, she is open to another poly, but we simply could not integrate our needs and wants together to make THIS poly work for her or us.

The statement that I quoted was the entire quote. It was a stand alone " paragraph" in a letter she sent us after she left our home.

I was hurt,although I cannot say that I felt any anger. It was her being angry and lashing out. She was in pain because she wanted this to work for her... but couldn't make it so. I see it now for what it was. It no longer bothers me and I know it was just anger.

It is actually fairly unlike me to really let things like that get under my skin. I am a thick skinned kind of gal. I realize now it was my own hurt and disappointment that allowed it to feel like a slap in the face.

Thank you for all your responses!

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 19

RE: Recently insulted - 2/8/2010 10:58:14 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1757
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SurrenderwithinThe poly was not the issue and had nothing to do with the problems and why she left. In fact, she is open to another poly,

And that just shows how nonsensical her original comment was

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgsh7u7upeA&annotation_id=annotation_282296&feature=iv

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Recently insulted

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2012

Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition

Terms of Service

3.188