Dating a Non Monogamous Girl

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Dating a Non Monogamous Girl

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Dating a Non Monogamous Girl

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Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/18/2010 5:18:51 PM

manrule

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline

Didn't really know where to post this so I went with Ask A Mistress because the question is aimed more towards females.

Let me give you some background. I've been dating a girl for several months now. During our first sexual experience, she told me that she is not monogamous and so to not be offended. She just got out of a long relationship and just wants to date. I don't pry to much because I don't want to offend her and run her off. Sometimes though I do wonder if she will ever be monogamous. Maybe just because we are dating she doesn't want to be monogamous.

So ladies, my question is, what might I expect out of this relationship?Do any of you have history of this? Should I just continue to be ok with her not being monogamous and maybe one day she will only committ to me?

Thank you for any feedback.

Post #: 1

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/18/2010 5:28:31 PM

ourmsbetty

Posts: 259
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

Don't count on it.

You need to ask her, not a bunch of strangers who have never met her and don't know anything about her, because her answers will be unique to her.

Sit down and talk. You need to know what her personal beliefs are on the subject. But if she says monogamy just isn't for her don't expect that to change.

(in reply to manrule)

Post #: 2

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/18/2010 7:15:49 PM

Valyraen

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline

Well, I might not be your target audience, but I've got some perspective on the question.

She just got out of a long-standing relationship and just wants to date? Completely understandable - the first thing I wanted to do when getting out of a long relationship was play the field. Did I eventually settle down and get back in a committed relationship - certainly, but that's because I'm not the kind of person who's happy just dating.

Her not being monogamous? Depending on the age of the girl in question... it might change, might not. In my experience, it goes monoamory-> polyamory, not the other way around - definitely not saying that it doesn't happen, but it's much less likely than going from being poly to being happy committed to only one person.

My question for you, sir: how do you feel about someone you're dating not being exclusive to you? If that bothers you, you might be involved with the wrong girl. Polyamory definitely isn't for everybody.

_____________________________

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There is no creature more loving than a hungry cat.

Valyraen in ValyraenandAqua

(in reply to manrule)

Post #: 3

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/18/2010 8:28:11 PM

GraciousLady

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Joined: 7/7/2009
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Perhaps your feelings about this relationship are different than hers? Perhaps you are more serious than she is? Perhaps she is not going to be interested in being with one person ever.

I think you have only been dating for a few months and it's way to early for either of you to know where it can go. Let the relationship run it's course, whatever that may be. If you find things become more serious sit down and talk with her. For now, remember to use condoms.

(in reply to manrule)

Post #: 4

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/18/2010 9:17:01 PM

peppermint

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Joined: 10/18/2005
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I'm sorry because I know you really want an answer, but we're not mind readers or fortune tellers. We don't know. You know more than we do and look how confused you are.

(in reply to manrule)

Post #: 5

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/18/2010 11:18:58 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 20086
Joined: 2/21/2007
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From the little bit of information that you are giving us to go on, I would say there are two possible outcomes:

1. She may continue to be poly.

2. She may at some point chose to be monogamous.

Personally, I would say that she has been very up front with you about how she sees her situation. She's been honest with you and is not attempting to make promises that she has no intention of keeping. In My book, she should be commended for doing that.

_____________________________

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I really do appreciate your opinion and all, but My dynamic is not a democracy and you don't get a vote.

Now running "Lady Pact's World".

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 6

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 6:17:14 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: manrule

So ladies, my question is, what might I expect out of this relationship?Do any of you have history of this? Should I just continue to be ok with her not being monogamous and maybe one day she will only committ to me?

Thank you for any feedback.

Honestly, I think you've gotten great advice. She's been pretty clear about you can expect for the forseeable future. My personal history going from mono to poly. My suspicion would be that if someone went from poly to mono it's because someone new came into the picture that wouldn't do the poly thing and was worth it to them or someone that they are willing to share. Basically, someone not already in the picture.

Whatever you do, don't go into the relationship thinking about how she might commit to you later down the line. If you'd like that, view it as something that would be nice but totally unrequired. Otherwise you may end up bitter and angry with her.

Good luck!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to manrule)

Post #: 7

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 10:14:54 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 313
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
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Seriously...

quote:

So ladies, my question is, what might I expect out of this relationship? What do u expect?
Do any of you have history of this? History of dating or being non-monog?
Should I just continue to be ok with her not being monogamous and maybe one day she will only committ to me? What do u really what from her?

It is ur relationship and u may need to question urself AND her to help u in ur final decision.

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to manrule)

Post #: 8

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 10:26:48 AM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
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It is possible, though I'd think it depends how fresh out of the relationship she was, and she'd probably know pretty quickly if it was going to go monogamous.

When I met Master I knew I was looking for a relationship. Not "marry me now" but at least the potential to grow into something committed. Master told me He was poly but looking to move in that direction. I adopted a wait and see policy; I gave Him credit for being honest, but I wanted to see where it went. True to His word, He stopped seeing other women within 2 weeks of us dating. All this happened because I was upfront and honest about my needs and expectations. I knew He might walk away, but this wasn't a want, it was a need for me, and He understood, and felt I was worth it.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to MsDDom)

Post #: 9

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 11:05:19 AM

PrincessDonna

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Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline

If youve only been dating a short time why are you expecting her to be exclusive? Thats what dating is,going out having a good time,may get some,might not,it's dating! She is not trying to get committed and she put that out front(you go girl!)If that is not what your looking for then you need to keep dating till you find someone that better suits your needs.

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 10

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 5:09:45 PM

OralCuckGurl

Posts: 61
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Does the thought of her with other lovers excite you? If so, then revel in it. If not...then get out before you get hurt.

(in reply to PrincessDonna)

Post #: 11

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 5:57:22 PM

manrule

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/23/2009
Status: offline

Gracious Lady,
Thank you. I found what you said comforting because it has only been a few short months. I will just let it run its course. And for the other who asked, she was fresh out of a relationship when I met her by only a week or two.

(in reply to OralCuckGurl)

Post #: 12

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 8:05:25 PM

honkymagoo

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline

babe, some of us just ain't wired to be monogamous. sometimes i've had good intentions or made promises or whatever, but when it comes down to it, i can't really limit myself to just one guy. sometimes i've hurt guys really badly by making promises i knew i wouldn't keep, even as i was making them. that's just how it goes. you should just be thankful your girl is honest enough to admit she's never going to be monogamous with you. there's just too many hot guys out there to limit yourself to just one, especially when you're young and gorgeous.

(in reply to manrule)

Post #: 13

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/19/2010 11:51:26 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: honkymagoo

there's just too many hot guys out there to limit yourself to just one, especially when you're young and gorgeous.

So... if she is ugly and old, he should expect her to be faithful?

No offense, but this just doesn't make a damn bit of sense to me. Val and I aren't poly cause we are young and hot and get some tail. We're poly because we want to form lasting romantic bonds with mutiple people. In fact, in being poly I'm more selective than I ever was single. I have a man who loves and trusts me enough to have no problem with me taking on other partners. I think I need to cherish that and not let some hot guy turn my head simply because he happens to be hot.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to honkymagoo)

Post #: 14

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/20/2010 6:31:22 AM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

honkymagoo is just one of those girls who don't think what they do affects other people. It is common in the 18 to 15 group, I am close enough to it they still tell me their secrets.

It's almost like a movement.

I see lots of the younger people I know (16 to 27 mostly) who are either fucking everything that moves and looks pretty or pretending like they are fucking everything that moves and looks pretty.

In the end it seems that the idea of courting and then making a commitment are dead. However it should be noted that BDSM is not know for it's rampant long lasting commitments.

In the end I am Poly because I am Poly. To me it a part of who I am. I am wired to love and genuinely desire being with more than one person. I am Poly even when I am not engaged in ANY relationship. Poly is something that I am not something that I do.

Being a Non Monogamous individual is different from being Poly I just wanted to make that distinction.

QSM

I am sure there will be other who argue this point but I know more people who have been in this lifestyle 3 to 4 times as long as they have ever been commited to one person or to a group. Yeah we all know the couple who has been together forever but in the end I know 100 who go through partners like some people go through tissues.

_____________________________

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(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 15

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/20/2010 3:28:52 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

I'm very aware of the distinction but there is also a huge difference between non monogamous and fucking everything that moves just because it's hot.

Quite frankly, I've got no problem with fucking around. I used to do a lot of it myself and I know I still would be if I didn't have my relationship with Valyraen to cherish and protect.

However, I don't think that someone being honest is so uber-special that we should be "thankful" about it. Way to lower the bar - we should expect that. Those who aren't honest are subpar, not those who are honest are above par.

And the attitude that it's the "young and gorgous" and that one can't limit themselves to just one... what happened to self-control? If you don't want to be monogamous, that's fine and awesome. But can't? What happens when a person gets older? Quite frankly, it's bullshit as I know people who are older and not stereotypically attractive that get more tail than the 18 year olds.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/20/2010 3:29:32 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 16

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/20/2010 3:38:58 PM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Quite frankly, it's bullshit as I know people who are older and not stereotypically attractive that get more tail than the 18 year olds.

that would be me :P Way more tail now than when I was 18, and I am far and away pleased to say I handle it a hell of a lot more maturely without leaving a trail of bad energy in my wake.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 17

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/20/2010 4:05:44 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Quite frankly, it's bullshit as I know people who are older and not stereotypically attractive that get more tail than the 18 year olds.

that would be me :P Way more tail now than when I was 18, and I am far and away pleased to say I handle it a hell of a lot more maturely without leaving a trail of bad energy in my wake.

Well I you are extremely hot and I want to do horrible things with you. But then again, I've got a thing for girls with pretty ink.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 18

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/20/2010 4:12:42 PM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline

*kisses pretty aqualady* I gotz a thing for green red head girls myself!!

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 19

RE: Dating a Non Monogamous Girl - 2/20/2010 4:13:30 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

....

I must travel up North and brave the Yanks...

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 20

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