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Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 10:48:01 AM   
Goddess007


Posts: 36
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hi.  I am VERY new at considering this concept(as in within the last couple days)and could use some help.  I know nothing of the proper technical terms involved in this particular aspect of the lifestyle, other than the word polyandry, once I thought about it, hit Me like a ton of bricks.  I have had two wonderful submissive males in My life for the past 2 years, although they seem to go in rotation, 6 months at a time so far.  Each time, it was normal, almost petty fighting that got in the way of the relationships, and many extenuating circumstances just made it easier to move on, at least in theory.  W/we remained in eachother's hearts throughout, and the thought never crossed My mind how happy I would be if I could just keep them both.  Each has qualities that both differ from and complement eachother, and both(whom are older than Myself, if that matters), seem to love Me just about the same.  I feel that way, too, although I don't want to come across as greedy or inexperienced, which I am most definitely not.  So, sensing the beginning of yet another cycling through, I began thinking of how nice it would be for all parties if polyamory were an option.  That way, there would be less pressure on them to perform, and I would be a happier Domme(in theory, again).  Obviously, I am aware it could go either way, although one of the subs involved claims he would be perfectly ok with such a situation.  Actually, the other has made the same claim, but I have a strange feeling he is more sensitive about it than he is actually letting on.  I guess what I am looking for at this point is some guidance to lead Me in researching the technicalities of this complicated but fascinating possibility, especially in regards to protecting everyone's interests and feelings.  Obviously, I can't legally marry them both, but are there succinct guidelines for such LT Domme/slave/slave scenarios?

< Message edited by Goddess007 -- 3/2/2010 10:50:11 AM >
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 11:03:18 AM   
TexasGorean


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline 		No, there are no succinct guidelines to a Poly relationship.  It take a very special type of person to be truly Poly.  The first key ingredient is a very low level of jealousy in all the partners.  The second is total communication.  Total honesty and full disclosure of all issues is a must. 

Eventually it is up to all of you to sit down and have a lengthy and serious discussion on the Poly idea and everyone needs to put forth their fears and concerns, especially if you are considering this to be a full time live-in relationship.  I myself have three slave girls, two 24/7 live-ins and one who comes over when she is not in school or working.  So far, there have been no issues or petty jealousies, basically due to my insistence on the communication.  Of course *I* have the final say on everything since I am the Master, but I am also an intelligent person and realize there are more to relationships than my own selfish interests :)

Good luck to you.

(in reply to Goddess007)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 11:39:21 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3650
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		As TexasGorean said, there are no guidelines, but, were I in your shoes, I would think about getting some reading material, and reading it with both of your "boys", and then spending some time talking about what the implications would mean for the three of you.

I've been in the poly world for going on 30 years now, and can't imagine being anywhere else. I'll have to disagree with TG in his comment about jealousy. It's been my experience that -most people- have some measure of jealousy when it comes to relationships. Our culture is set up to reinforce jealousy and insecurity about relationships between adults. While we tell our offspring that having a new sibling won't change mommy and daddy's love for them, we have been, until recently, unable to display the same generosity of affection between adult members of the community. So it is not unexpected that, under the umbrella of something new like a polyamorous/polyaffectionate relationship, there would be some tension, insecurity, and jealousy. Those are normal human responses to stress -- and doing this -is- a stressor for many people.

The best thing to do is do your reading and communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't save your talking for the times when you're comfortable and happy -- make sure that everyone involved communicates both when things -are- working, and when they're not -- so that you have the opportunity to find solutions before someone gets unhappy enough to throw in the towel.

Poly, like any loving relationship, should flow relatively easily, in theory. The reality, though, is that because there is not really a lot of community support, the legal and social impact of poly is -so- deeply maligned in our culture, and there are so few examples of healthy, strong poly families, it -is- harder to figure out how to shape and refine a poly household. That's not even going into the permutations of relationships that can exist under such a structure. Heck, our household has fluctuated between a high of over 30 members to a low of only three in the past 12 years, with most of the time being somewhere between the two. Imagine how many permutations of interpersonal interactions develop in that kind of jumble. *grins*

Among the resources I'd recommend would be:

Loving More (both the book and the website)
Love Without Limits
The Ethical Slut
The Polyfidelity Primer
and some fiction by Robert Heinlein (in particular, Stranger in a Strange Land) and Robert Rimmer (The Harrad Experiment/The Premar Experiment/Proposition 31).

You might particularly find Proposition 31 to be relevant to you, as it deals with two couples who choose polyfidelity as an alternative to separation/divorce.

Good luck to you, and feel free to drop me a line on the other side. I've been around the block in poly a LONG time, and would be happy to help in any way I can as you work through whether this is a viable option for you and your menfolk.

Calla {Fire}Storm


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to TexasGorean)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 12:08:06 PM   
Lorenzo19


Posts: 237
Joined: 2/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Each time, it was normal, almost petty fighting that got in the way of the relationships


I agree with the opinions so far but this quote put up a red flag. If the two boys cannot get along with each other without a poly happening then imagine how it might blow up if they had to get along 24/7.

petty fighting can turn real serious real fast.

< Message edited by Lorenzo19 -- 3/2/2010 12:10:01 PM >

_____________________________

Daddy Dom & Romantic Sadist

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating thier brains.
Give Me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 12:54:21 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 6780
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		In addition to the advice and suggestions for resources given by Dame Calla, I'd also like to recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.  Taormino is an award-winning sex educator and her book is, hands down, the best I've found on polyamory.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
Ninja Queen
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Charter Member: VAA Posse - Get Well Soon!
I'm not evil, I'm inventive.

(in reply to Lorenzo19)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 1:47:53 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 1880
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		In addition to The Ethical Slut ... I highly recommend Tristan Taormino's Opening Up: a guide to open relationships.... I love that book.  As with any of them, they should not be followed slavishly, but use what you can and discard the rest of it.  And yes, there are guidelines, there just aren't any rules... there are also great poly societies and organizations out there (google is your friend) and depending on where you live... real live face to face meetings you can go to.  Beyond that, most events and many organizations have a poly class or discussion now and then.

Trust your instincts on their abilities to actually be in a poly relationship -- I've heard lots of people say "oh yes, I can and I want to" only to crash and burn miserably because, really they can't.

Its not for everyone.. its hard work.. but the rewards can be amazing.

good luck

oh darn.. should have read the other responses first.. heh.. great minds think alike

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 3/2/2010 1:48:42 PM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 2:17:43 PM   
Goddess007


Posts: 36
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		I guess I should have clarified on this but was trying not to take up too much space.  It wasn't them fighting, it was I with them respectively.  I often got the impression that alot had to do with the fact that I expected too much from them individually and they were getting cranky and defensive as a result.  Hence, My wondering if splitting the duties(they both excel at different things)might ease the burden a bit.

(in reply to Lorenzo19)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 2:20:59 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 1880
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		One thing I'd suggest.. is be careful with expectations of poly changing things or making things better... that's a lot of expectation.  I would suggest thinking of it as new... a new set of relationships... a new phase of your life... but I'd be careful with expectations of change... e.g., lessening the burden and making them less cranky

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Goddess007)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 3:08:15 PM   
Lorenzo19


Posts: 237
Joined: 2/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I guess I should have clarified on this but was trying not to take up too much space. It wasn't them fighting, it was I with them respectively. I often got the impression that alot had to do with the fact that I expected too much from them individually and they were getting cranky and defensive as a result. Hence, My wondering if splitting the duties(they both excel at different things)might ease the burden a bit.


Ah, ok. I thought you resolved the petty fighting by "moving on". I thought that meant one of the boys moving out. In a poly situation that could be the end of it. My mistake.

_____________________________

Daddy Dom & Romantic Sadist

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating thier brains.
Give Me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it.

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/2/2010 3:20:03 PM   
Lorenzo19


Posts: 237
Joined: 2/8/2010
Status: offline 		We too are going to try polyamory. conflicts are going to be the hard thing. As Master, I am going to have to settle conflicts before they get out of control and one or the other is stomping out of the relationship.

In theory everyone knows what they are getting into and agrees to it. Not just agree but are enthusiastic to make it work. In theory We all live happily ever after.

So much for theory. We live in the real world. There will be disagreements and perhaps even disputes. Maybe downright fighting. (knock on wood) What happens then? Is the third person expendable? If only to keep the peace?


_____________________________

Daddy Dom & Romantic Sadist

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating thier brains.
Give Me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it.

(in reply to Lorenzo19)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/3/2010 9:00:09 AM   
Goddess007


Posts: 36
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much.  I better get reading, then!  Got the balls to bring it up to the reluctant one last night and he is on board, goddamit!  It was so easy, in fact, that I am doubting the other one's confidence.  If nothing else, I am more in love than ever before and have a new outlook, at least for today.  It feels new and exciting already, and that is something I will never complain about...I am in the works of arranging a one on one meeting between the two.  I hope that is not a mistake?

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/3/2010 11:29:31 AM   
Lorenzo19


Posts: 237
Joined: 2/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

arranging a one on one meeting between the two. I hope that is not a mistake?


Dont think so. they are going to live together, they should be able to meet and get along.

_____________________________

Daddy Dom & Romantic Sadist

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating thier brains.
Give Me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it.

(in reply to Goddess007)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/3/2010 1:48:03 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3650
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

As Master, I am going to have to settle conflicts before they get out of control and one or the other is stomping out of the relationship.


I'd like to comment very briefly on this sentence. It's been my experience, over the years, that unless the individuals who are conflicted between themselves are unable to work through the situation on their own, or cannot come up with a viable compromise, it is better, as a Keeper, to... if you'll pardon the pun keep my nose out of it. Usually, the people in conflict can work through the situation on their own, given time and incentive. If I intervene before that happens, I end up having to intervene in every little glitch that comes down the pike (and trust me -- with more people, there are exponentially greater possibilities for "glitchiness").

I would refrain from 'settling' any conflicts except for those in which the involved parties are unable to settle on their own-- it may well save your sanity.

In terms of whether the 3rd person is expendable in order to resolve issues, I -never- consider my companions, on any side of the kneel, to be "expendable" -- however, sometimes people need to take a break to get their heads together... so once you're family with the House, if you need to take some alone-time, or want to explore other options, that doesn't mean you're not family and can't come home later, once you know what you want... or can't be family at a distance, if it turns out that collective living just doesn't work for you. As long as a person has invested in the family, they -are- family.

There is one exception to this rule that we abide by without fail, though. If, in the process of sorting things out, one individual -intentionally- damages either another member of the family or the family as a whole, through action or inaction, through active deceit or failure to disclose, or brings damaging conflict into the household, with no thought of the problems it would cause in the House -- they're gone, stripped of their Family associations, and will not be welcomed into the house again, even as a distant associate or "friend of a friend". These decisions are made by our House Council (because we're such a large and diverse group, with in-house members and members-at-large to consider), and input is accepted and considered by everyone in the House -- no matter the side if the kneel. The decision is final and banishment is not subject to appeal. We have no mercy and do not forgive when people intentionally set out to inflict harm. We've only had -two- of these situations in the 13 years that I've been with the House, and we do our darndest to make sure that those are the -only- two... but we also recognize that, human nature being what it is, we're likely to have to deal with the scenario again, so we have a plan in place.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 3/3/2010 1:55:56 PM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Lorenzo19)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/3/2010 4:26:50 PM   
Lorenzo19


Posts: 237
Joined: 2/8/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks Calla. Great advicce. I was sorta feeling the same but you said it very succinctly. I hope youre around for a while so I can pick your brain. (Pay no attention to My sig file)

_____________________________

Daddy Dom & Romantic Sadist

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating thier brains.
Give Me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/9/2010 10:36:27 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		What I have found is that the submissives often show their talents within short order and if those natural talents are encouraged it brings about the smoothest results.  For instance, one may be more mature than the other and a natural peacemaker.  One might have better cooking or cleaning skills.  It doesn't mean that they should only do what they are good at, but the roles will start to develop naturally instead of trying to force a square peg into a round hole.  Each should feel that they are somehow special, that they are never just a spare warm body that could be replaced at a moment's notice. 

Conflicts are inevitable.  Many times these can be handled by the subs without the Master ever stepping in, but each should feel free to go to the Master if they feel it is necessary.  They should be taught to do so calmly, without whining or tattling, but one who feels that they cannot have open communication will start to feel a wall go up. 

A poly lifestyle can be intensely rewarding, especially for the focal point - the Master or Mistress who is looking to be pleased.  That person has a difficult job making sure that everyone's need are met, along with a few wants, and still get what they need out of it for themselves.  Because all involved parties are human there will be some mistakes, some hurt feelings, but with enough care and tending the experience can be magnificent.  Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that it is an easy path - but most things in life that are the most rewarding take a lot of effort.


_____________________________



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RE: Experienced polys please? - 3/23/2010 12:44:48 AM   
VANASHERASK


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		This post is one of the smartest and truest replies I have ever seen on the web. You definitely have the experience. you sound just like me with my experiences. I can relate to everything you wrote. agrees open communication and complete trust is indeed essential to the poly life. My girls see themselves as sisters. They never would even dream of butting heads, and step back when they feel they are causing tension. TY for this post. Keep them coming. hope it enlightens others into what we are.

Be well

Vana'she Rask

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 4/10/2010 2:45:56 AM   
differentdoms


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/16/2010
Status: offline 		I think everyone here has given terrific advice in a TON of ways! I am a Dom who really had no idea of the BDSM world at all, nor Polyamory but was living the lifestyle already in a lot of ways. I think the WORST thing anyone can do i go into a new situation unarmed! In this instance 'armed' would mean not only knowledge of the facts, but all 3, or more, members BEFORE they meet! Not just "I want you and Sam to come over for coffee on monday" but really make a list about pro's and con's about each person that is not familiar with the other and dicuss those topics with the other people. The more background on behaviors, personal hygene, sex preferences, etc each party knows ahead of time, the less likely it is there will be ANY kind of problem intagrating these seperate entities into one home.

We started our first Poly relationship first as sexual encounters only, then as a bf/gf/gf situation and eventually moved on to more deeper things once both women moved inhome... but i think that buffer time between transitions is VERY important, especially with people who are completely new to Poly... as even though some try or want to try... they simply cannot get past certain issues like jealousy, etc.

Hope this helped... Wish i had a forum for me when i stumbled into the world a few years back! take care all!

-Master Angel
(P.S. i know my spelling and grammar suck... i chose NOT to use spellcheck for a reason so i dont need anyone to point it out :p)

(in reply to VANASHERASK)
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RE: Experienced polys please? - 5/4/2010 9:27:25 PM   
igagumi


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/29/2010
Status: offline 		Wow this was a great thread, thanks for all of the leads on reading material! ^_^

(in reply to differentdoms)
Profile   Post #: 18
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