Uncharted Territory

Uncharted Territory (Full Version)

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floorkitten -> Uncharted Territory (3/9/2010 10:44:47 AM)
History: Owned and life partnered for 7 years. Children raised and off to college. Own a home together as well as 3 businesses. His interest has from the start to eventually expand our home to include additional submissive(s). We have attempted numerous times over the years, but have never really found the right fit for our way of life. Until.... Current: We met a woman who seems to just fit into what we would be proud to call an extended family. She too - feels the same way. We are all excited, emotional and yet remain quite logical at the same time. Several months have passed, yet - there is something that tugs and nags. Situation(s): She is within 60 miles of us and stays anywhere from 3-5 days/nights a week. She is wanting to sell her (no mortgage at all) home (donating much of her gains to her new family, us) to move in, and is wanting/waiting/asking constantly for permission to do so. As much as we are positive about the current situation - we are not ready to have her up heave her life in such a manner. We are firm believers that none of us can predict the future and a few months is simply not enough of a foundation for such a massive decision. Second, she has asked/requested - when in the company of her family, that I step back and simply become "the friend" while she and my life partner are considered the couple. Please note: she wears no collar, nor at this time has any lifelong commitment been made. So last night we talked - just he and I - and he told me he did not think he could ever just refer to me as a casual friend, we are, for lack of a more resourceful definition - the primary couple. Yes, that did warm my heart, yet I now I fear losing the one lady we have looked so long for. It almost feels as if she is testing us, or has started her own submission with condition itinerary. Although we do care for this lady, it has only been several months - I cannot imagine her rising to the position in knowledge and emotional involvement that we have experienced and shared over 7 years, in her short time with us. Funny, I realize much that is written about here in this forum seems to come from the new person coming in side, but here is a situation where the new person is causing us to stop and think. The reality is, that we will find a balance to this situation - on our terms. But nonetheless, I am curious as to the comments of others.

Madame4a -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/9/2010 11:02:24 AM)
I see red flags that would make me pause.. and wonder... and I'd wonder, are there more that you ignored before? Do not step back and become something you are not for anything or anyone. The moving thing? I'd have to wonder what the big hurry is.. .if its going to work, you'll still be there. Do you really know what her situation is 60 miles away? I can understand being interested and making that clear, but it sounds pushy. I'd slow right down.. and decide in the primary partnership that... say in ONE year.. you'll start to consider her moving in... but how long would you wait if this were a primary? Personally, I'd wait a minimum of a year before even discussing it...

theGuideGoddess -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/9/2010 11:06:29 AM)
Pay careful attention to that 'yet - there is something that tugs and nags' thing. While you whisper that something bothers you, and it is entirely possible that you cannot put your finger on or words to it: pay attention to it. That is your intuition. Always listen to that! From what you say, she does want to be the first or primary in the relationship. While she is not living with you, masks can be worn, and even after. Something tells me that she wants your position. I would be extremely caution about that. I would not want someone to make such a huge change either. Perhaps you could rent her house out and this would bring additional income into the home. As well as waiting for the real estate, market to be more favorable from the sales perspective. Then keep in mind that I am not poly and do not share well with others! I think it takes a very special person to pull poly off with any level of success. I see many who try and few who succeed.

Cdub2U -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/9/2010 12:59:10 PM)
As one that has lived poly, I agree with all the rest... listen to that inner voice. Oh, you might want to tell her this is a very bad time to sell (she is going to lose her drawers), a logical approach. Also you guys (you three) need to sit down and discuss those concern of yours. We did a family meeting every Friday (bitch session) just to clear the air and let those feeling out into the light of day.

sunlitflames -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/10/2010 3:20:21 PM)
"Second, she has asked/requested - when in the company of her family, that I step back and simply become "the friend" while she and my life partner are considered the couple. Please note: she wears no collar, nor at this time has any lifelong commitment been made." -- a huge red flag. . i've been looking for years for a couple in my area... and i would never ever absolutely not make such a request.

Darkeroticpass -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/10/2010 4:39:18 PM)
Floorkitten, Your worries are well founded. I begin to think that your lady of choose does not understand her place in a relationship. Also possible, she has a fear of what her family may think of her choice of lifestyle. It is good that you and your Master had a talk. Both of you may want to think about the ground rules then talk to your lady about it . Best of luck.

mirror88 -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/11/2010 11:52:08 AM)
Ask your significant other to DUMP HER NOW.

peppermint -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/11/2010 1:23:54 PM)
I guess I see this situation a little differently from the others who have written. First I want to say, I do agree that it is way too soon for this lady to sell her home. That is something to be considered at a much later date. What type of poly relationship is this? Will the new girl be answerable to both of you, or just the Master? Will she be submissive to both you and the Master? This makes a very big difference. If you both she and you are equal you should expect that eventually she will be equal to you in the Master's affections. It really does not matter how many more years you have been with him. If it's supposed to be equal then it better be equal. I sense from what you wrote that you hope she will always be less in his eyes or always lesser in the relationship. ("I cannot imagine her rising to the position in knowledge and emotional involvement that we have experienced and shared over 7 years") No, she will not have that immediately but it should be one of the goals of this relationship. It leads me to believe that you are not quite ready to enter into a full time poly arrangement. If this is a hierarchy then that changes things a bit except that she should still be equal in the Master's affections whether you are her Mistress or whether you are both slaves to the same Master. The idea of poly is for all of you to have great relationships as a whole, between you and the Master, between you and her, and between her and the Master. It ALL has to work well together. I see nothing wrong with her wanting a bit of deception where her family is concerned. Apparently she is not ready or willing to stand up to them and tell them she is beginning an alternative poly lifestyle. I see nothing inherently wrong with going along with this white lie when her family is visiting. I will assume that her family lives 60 miles away near where she lives presently. Perhaps you can suggest to her another way of handling the situation. She can present the situation to her family as good friends sharing a home rather than she involved in a romantic relationship with the male while you are the roommate. quote: The reality is, that we will find a balance to this situation - on our terms. I hope you mean all 3 of you, and not just you and Master against her. If you can't settle this then I think you should break it off until all of you can come to an agreement as to what your poly household will be like and how each person will function as part of the household.

LadyNTrainer -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/11/2010 1:34:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: floorkitten She is within 60 miles of us and stays anywhere from 3-5 days/nights a week. She is wanting to sell her (no mortgage at all) home (donating much of her gains to her new family, us) to move in, and is wanting/waiting/asking constantly for permission to do so. As much as we are positive about the current situation - we are not ready to have her up heave her life in such a manner. We are firm believers that none of us can predict the future and a few months is simply not enough of a foundation for such a massive decision. On this I agree. It's too soon, and hopefully you've been clear and honest on this, while holding out hope that someday it could be, once you all feel ready. quote: Second, she has asked/requested - when in the company of her family, that I step back and simply become "the friend" while she and my life partner are considered the couple. Please note: she wears no collar, nor at this time has any lifelong commitment been made. As much as I dislike failing to acknowledge and respect either of my partners, neither is in a position to be "out" to their respective families or co workers as either kinky or poly. So in the presence of the family or co workers of either, if they are both present, we all exercise our acting skills a little. This is just one of those things that Has To Be Done in the real world to compromise when people can't afford to be outed as poly, but do want to let their co workers and family know that they are in a relationship so they aren't set up on dates or hit on. Honestly, I don't see it as an unreasonable request. I am the dominant and the hinge in a "V" relationship with two boys collared to me, and I very much respect their needs to avoid disclosing TMI to their family and to co workers. It doesn't feel good to pretend that I have only one partner, but I recognize that it's necessary to avoid outing them in a way that could be personally or professionally damaging while still letting me participate in their vanilla social lives. So I compromise and do what has to be done to keep them safe. IMO, that's a more responsible course of action than insisting on doing what emotionally feels right to me even if that may be damaging to their personal or professional relationships. Sometimes the real world has to win, and this is the compromise.

Madame4a -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/11/2010 3:21:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peppermint I guess I see this situation a little differently from the others who have written. First I want to say, I do agree that it is way too soon for this lady to sell her home. That is something to be considered at a much later date. What type of poly relationship is this? Will the new girl be answerable to both of you, or just the Master? Will she be submissive to both you and the Master? This makes a very big difference. If you both she and you are equal you should expect that eventually she will be equal to you in the Master's affections. It really does not matter how many more years you have been with him. If it's supposed to be equal then it better be equal. I sense from what you wrote that you hope she will always be less in his eyes or always lesser in the relationship. ("I cannot imagine her rising to the position in knowledge and emotional involvement that we have experienced and shared over 7 years") No, she will not have that immediately but it should be one of the goals of this relationship. It leads me to believe that you are not quite ready to enter into a full time poly arrangement. If this is a hierarchy then that changes things a bit except that she should still be equal in the Master's affections whether you are her Mistress or whether you are both slaves to the same Master. The idea of poly is for all of you to have great relationships as a whole, between you and the Master, between you and her, and between her and the Master. It ALL has to work well together. I see nothing wrong with her wanting a bit of deception where her family is concerned. Apparently she is not ready or willing to stand up to them and tell them she is beginning an alternative poly lifestyle. I see nothing inherently wrong with going along with this white lie when her family is visiting. I will assume that her family lives 60 miles away near where she lives presently. Perhaps you can suggest to her another way of handling the situation. She can present the situation to her family as good friends sharing a home rather than she involved in a romantic relationship with the male while you are the roommate. quote: The reality is, that we will find a balance to this situation - on our terms. I hope you mean all 3 of you, and not just you and Master against her. If you can't settle this then I think you should break it off until all of you can come to an agreement as to what your poly household will be like and how each person will function as part of the household. I am responding only to the part I put in bold.. and I might be reading you incorrectly but it sounds like you're saying that some form of equality should always be the goal in poly situations and I don't think that's it. I think happiness (and all that goes along with it) should be the goal for all involved but there are all forms of poly relationships with various levels of involvement and many different kinds of relationships that are not necessarily all equal in affection or stature.

peppermint -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/11/2010 5:36:36 PM)
quote: I am responding only to the part I put in bold.. and I might be reading you incorrectly but it sounds like you're saying that some form of equality should always be the goal in poly situations and I don't think that's it. I think happiness (and all that goes along with it) should be the goal for all involved but there are all forms of poly relationships with various levels of involvement and many different kinds of relationships that are not necessarily all equal in affection or stature. I feel that IF the relationship is not hierarchy based and IF both slaves are equal in power THEN equality should be one of the goals of the relationship. Equality does NOT mean the absolute same thing done with each slave with the same time spent with each as each will have separate needs. However, the OP can not even imagine that the other slave might eventually be as intimate with the Master as the OP is. I see that as a bit disturbing. Time is not always the measure of intimacy. It's the feelings involved that make for intimacy. I get a feeling (yes using that word again) that the OP not only can't imagine the new slave will become as important to the Master as she is, but also get the feeling that OP would not be happy if that close intimacy does happen between the Master and the new slave. Otherwise, why even mention it in the context of this post? The OP is basically asking whether we agree that the new slave should not sell her home at this time. Also, she wanted to know what we thought about the new slave asking them to help her cover up the poly with her family. As an aside she mentioned that she could not ever see the new slave being as close to the Master as she is. My gut feeling is that this fear is what the post is really about. Gut feelings are all we have here until the OP comes back to explain the situation further. If I am wrong about this, then I apologize in advance. I have seen so many posts and profiles from female subs and slaves who really want a poly relationship meaning a Master and 2 or more females. However, it seems that most of them want to be the primary slave and few want to be the secondary one. Most wish to be first in the Master's affections, not the one who is asked to leave if things get rocky. I could be completely wrong about poly people worrying either way about being primary or secondary, but I don't believe so.

Madame4a -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/11/2010 7:00:34 PM)
I guess I don't think there is anything wrong with primary and secondary.. as long as everyone is clear.. and open and honest up front -- to my mind, primary and secondary makes it very clear who/what someone is in the relationship. This is how I see equality: 1. as great as; the same as (often fol. by to or with): The velocity of sound is not equal to that of light. 2. like or alike in quantity, degree, value, etc.; of the same rank, ability, merit, etc.: two students of equal brilliance. 3. evenly proportioned or balanced: an equal contest. 4. uniform in operation or effect: equal laws. 5. adequate or sufficient in quantity or degree: The supply is equal to the demand. 6. having adequate powers, ability, or means: He was equal to the task. 7. level, as a plain. 8. tranquil or undisturbed: to confront death with an equal mind. 9. impartial or equitable. ------------------------------- I tend to see things as FAIR rather than equal.. to my mind.. that brings into play the concept that infact not everything will be equal... being treated fairly might be more appropriate in some cases than being treated equally...

NihilusZero -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/12/2010 4:10:10 AM)
Everyone's offering up their own personal views but the only actual concern here that I see is you and your partner taking the time to re-assess how adequate a fit this lady is, with all the new information you have. You appear to be going into the issue already assuming she is the right fit and then trying to rationalize the non-fitting pieces (perhaps out of partial desperation to have a partner finally?) rather than honestly viewing things from an objective perspective. If you and your partner had just met her yesterday, knowing what you know about what she expects out of a relationship, would you both be saying she's an acceptable partner to bring aboard?

Madame4a -> RE: Uncharted Territory (3/12/2010 5:19:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero You appear to be going into the issue already assuming she is the right fit and then trying to rationalize the non-fitting pieces (perhaps out of partial desperation to have a partner finally?) rather than honestly viewing things from an objective perspective. If you and your partner had just met her yesterday, knowing what you know about what she expects out of a relationship, would you both be saying she's an acceptable partner to bring aboard? Really good points! What a great perspective to view this from.

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